Jesnicole

Irony and the Waiting Place.

2012-01-28T15:01:00.001-08:00

As I ponder the irony of this poem, I find myself thinking the exact same thoughts I wrote four years ago. I see the irony in how I keep adding to it. Waiting. Yearning. Longing. For a dream. Asking the same God for the same thing, only to sit back and wonder....when? It's oh so easy to tell somebody else to be patient when it's not yourself who is longing for something so dear. It's a whole other thing when it becomes you...thrown into a room of "wait".....praying the same prayer, awakening each morning to the same Waiting Place. Waiting. Crying. Yearning. Yet still, expectantly waiting. Hoping against hope. Hanging on for dear life, even though it seems impossible. As I wait, long, dream, hope, and wish....I share this again with you. I hope it can bring comfort, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt there are others in another kind of Waiting Place. From my heart to yours.

"The Waiting Place"

YOU KEEP TELLING ME NOT TO WORRY
I KEEP TRYING MY BEST TO TRUST,
NOT LETTING MY HEART BE TAKEN OVER
BY WANTING MATERIAL THINGS OUT OF LUST.

YOU KEEP SAYING YOU’LL DELIVER
THE NEEDY WHEN THEY CRY…
YET I’VE BEEN HERE WAITING…
AND EVERYDAY WONDERING “WHY?”.

I KNOW YOU ALWAYS KEEP YOUR WORD
I KNOW YOU WILL ANSWER ME
AND I ALSO KNOW ALL I CAN DO
IS SIT AND WAIT PATIENTLY.

I’VE PUT MY TRUST IN THINGS BEFORE,
IN OTHER PEOPLE, MYSELF, AND MY PLANS…
BUT THE LESSON I KEEP LEARNING
IS JUST TO LET YOU HOLD MY HAND.

“BUT LORD, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND-“
AT TIMES I’VE CRIED OUT TO YOU…
AS IF YOU DIDN’T, YOURSELF, CREATE ME-
AND MAKE ALL THINGS AND PEOPLE NEW!

“I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE-
I GIVE UP!” I’VE CRIED BEFORE.
BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT’S NOT
THE WAY I CAN BE ANYMORE.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I DON’T KNOW!
AND IT’S OKAY TO BE HERE NOW.
IT’S OKAY TO TRUST YOU HAPPILY,
AND NOT KNOW THE “WHY’S AND HOW’S”.

IT'S EVEN OKAY TO HOPE THOUGH SO MUCH
DESPAIR IS STILL LINGERING AROUND...
SOMETIMES YOU DO YOUR BEST WORK
WHEN MY HEART IS SO CLOSE TO THE GROUND.

EVEN THOUGH OTHERS MAY FAIL ME,
AND IT SEEMS LIKE YOU HAVE, TOO...
I'LL REMEMBER YOU SAID THAT ONE DAY
YOU WILL MAKE ALL THINGS NEW.

THOUGH THINGS AROUND MAY BE HOPELESS,
AND LONELINESS AND DEATH ABOUND HERE...
I'LL REMEMBER YOU SAID YOU COMFORT THOSE
WHO ARE MOURNING, AND I WILL NOT FEAR.

EVEN WHEN THE FUTURE SEEMS HOPELESS,
IT’S A GOOD THING TO TRUST IN YOU-
IT’S GOOD TO KNOW, LORD JESUS,
THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO.

SO I STAY HERE-IN THE WAITING PLACE.
I MAY BE HERE FOR YEARS OR DAYS.
BUT I WILL DO MY BEST TO FOLLOW YOU, JESUS
AND LET YOU TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.

*I WON'T LET GO, THOUGH IT HURTS.
THOUGH I KEEP CRYING OUT IN PAIN.
I WILL CLING TO THE DREAM YOU GAVE ME,
THROUGH THE MUCK, THE STORM, THE RAIN.

EVEN WHEN LIFE KEEPS SHOUTING, "NO!",
I WILL COME BACK WITH A TEAR-FILLED, "YES!"-
I WILL KEEP HANGING ONTO YOU AND ASKING,
THROUGH THE YEARNING, THE SORROW, THE STRESS.

AND AS DAYS MAY KEEP PASSING ME BY,
AND I WONDER IF I SHOULD LEAVE
THIS WAITING PLACE AND GIVE IT ALL UP,
I'LL CHOOSE TO LOOK AT YOU, AND STILL BELIEVE.

JESSICA SCHAFER-JULY 4, 2007
*new lines added in 2009*
*newer lines added January 28, 2012*

How do You Measure Your Worth?

2012-01-24T09:46:00.000-08:00

Several years ago, when I was pursuing a different career, I unexpectedly (yes, I know how babies happen…but still, work with me here) became pregnant with our absolutely amazing, wonderful, bright, beautiful son. He was a HA-UGE surprise. He was so VERY much welcomed into our lives. I knew the second I was a Momma, I wanted to be a Work at Home Momma. (I say “work”, because the term “stay at home” seems to imply we do nothing but merely “stay” at home.) Anyhow, that’s what I did. That’s what I do. And I’m going to take this opportunity to speak out for other Mommas who do the same. Because quite honestly, I don’t hear many other people doing this. And brutally honestly, I think I need to hear it myself, as I’ve been wrestling with my own problems of feeling de-valued.

There have been countless articles, I’m sure you’ve seen them, that break down all the things a WAHM does. They’re always true, mentioning all we do, and then break it down into a paycheck, mentioning what a WAHM is TRULY worth. I will not post these articles. I will not give you a chart, breaking down all you do into financial terms. I have an ENORMOUS problem with this. Because for some reason, we have this bassackwards thought that to be “worth” something, we have to break it down financially…..much like we do to a pure-bred animal, placing a price tag above her cage. Get the point? Listen, folks, we’re not cattle. We’re not top of the line horses, being viewed by the highest bidder. We’re not up for auction.

Dear, sweet WAHM….. Your worth is NOT in a paycheck. (Neither is anybody else’s worth in what they make at their job(s)!!) If what we bring, or don’t bring, into our bank accounts is how we measure our value, then our faith is absolutely EMPTY. Jesus would’ve been an absolute FAILURE if we measured Him according to our standards of success in today’s world.

It’s so very often about language. I can’t even begin to count out the times I’ve been asked, usually after we’ve talked about what my husband does, “So, do you work?”….or, “So, what do you do, or do you just stay at home?”. Yes, I just stay at home. Yes, so many women I respect just stay at home. They sit there, on the couch. The entire workings of the home take care of themselves, schedules take care of themselves, husbands take care of themselves, children take care of themselves, things run smoothly on their own. We, however, just stay.
We WAHM’s knew the second we chose to do this, we wouldn’t get all the appreciation, pay raises, plaques, words of acknowledgment, etc. We knew we wouldn’t always be talked about. We knew we wouldn’t even have a lot of grown-up human interaction throughout our days. We knew what we were signing up for. However, we never, not ONCE signed up to be put down and demeaned. We never signed up to be ignored. We never signed up to be called “just a stay at home mom”.

If we truly want to talk about “girl power”…..let’s do it. Girl power doesn’t have to mean joining the corporate face of America. It doesn’t mean we have to hold countless degrees, sell books, teach lectures, become CEO’s, own businesses….etc. It doesn’t mean we have to join alongside every man we know and do what they do. (Many women do, and that is SO VERY good for them, they are doing what they love, and I absolutely support that!! And one day, I just may do that as well!) But for now, for me, THIS is what I’m doing. This is what I LOVE. This is what I talk about, think about, dream about, what I do day in, and day out. And many other women do the same. We wanted to do this, THIS IS OUR EMPOWERMENT. And it’s even better if your husband absolutely supports you in your dreams, just as you do in his!!! Girl Power.

So no, I don’t have a TV show. I don’t hold countless degrees. I don’t own a business. I don’t bring home six figures a year. I don’t sell books.
I work here, at home. I invest my time, my energy, my days, my very soul, into all I do here for my family….which in turn affects others around us. Hopefully for the good. (Just as many other women invest themselves in other things, which is absolutely great that they’re doing what they love, as well!!) This is what I chose to do. I guess this is my way, in my little corner of the world, standing on a chair, raising up my fist and shouting, “SOLIDARITY, SISTER!!!”. Just as we support our spouses, wholeheartedly….just as we support our friends who do the complete opposite of what we do….we, too, need support. We need encouragement. We need to be reminded that we are valuable. This is me, for what it’s worth, reminding you of that. You ARE valuable. And I won’t demean you by putting a price tag on all you do. Because I’ve been learning, just as my parents always told me, “Money isn’t everything…..sure it’s nice, but it’s not everything.” It’s not. There’s so much more to life. Keep doing what you love, WAHM’s!!! I notice you!! I acknowledge you!! Spread the word…….Girl Power!! (Which for me, by the way, means not only empowering girls, but guys as well….after all, I’m married to a great guy, and Momma to an amazing son.)

***Disclaimer, please don’t read what I’m NOT saying. I have had many other jobs while being a “work at home” Momma. Also, My Momma worked outside the home her whole life. Very obviously, she is my Hero. So please don’t see my writing as diminishing others….I’m not, in any way, shape, or form. I think we’re all on the same side!! One of my closest friends works outside her home. I’m just wanting to remind you sweet girls that you are valuable, just as each person is. Sometimes we need to hear it.

A Thankful Tension.

2011-11-14T16:54:00.000-08:00

I can still remember the calmness inside when I was singing to my sweet little boy who had just turned three only weeks before. I remember knowing that He was going to take care of her, that she would be okay, that I’d be okay, that we’d all be okay. That He was here…among us. It was something I can’t describe in mere words. I’d prayed for that forever….I remember even releasing that deep breath (ever done that?) that just let go of the fear I had concerning Her. I knew He’d handle it. And not even minutes later, we got the phone call that would unleash a living hell that lasted day after day….even to now. I felt betrayed by Him. (I fully believe we belong to a God who has broad enough shoulders for ALL of our emotions, desires, feelings…etc.)

Fast forward to now, almost four years later. SO VERY much has happened to our family…..more than you’d care to read about. So many tears, so much heartache…doubt, fear, worry, even more grief, and sorrow. We’ve been hit with so many things from outward, it’s seemed like one long nightmare. (And I have many loved ones who have also gone through hell recently, how my heart aches for them…) And finally…again….a few weeks ago I had that comfort and peace, in knowing we were going to be okay. I felt hope again….it had come in tiny little waves, probably a handful of times over the past few years…but this time was different. I had that same inner peace, happiness…calmness that I’d had that night we got the most horrible phone call ever. I was ready to laugh again, to trust again, to stop being so afraid. And not even a day after that “sense of peace and closeness” from God…..it has been as though hell was unleashed again. Many things have been popping up…worries, doubts, fears, questions, frustrations, tears. And I found myself resenting this God again….the One who keeps stripping away at my soul. The One who has left me alone so many times…..I found myself shaking my fist at Him again. Really? Again? Now? More of the same nightmare? Why?? Why does my heart keep getting stripped away? Why are people I love having to hurt so much?

All those emotions welled up again….at Him. Some days, I am just so angry at Him. Some days, I wonder if He’ll show up…

And as horrible as that sounds, I’m SO THANKFUL for these things I feel. I’m thankful I CAN wrestle with Him. I’m thankful I can cry out AT Him, be frustrated with Him, question Him, doubt Him…….I’m thankful I can grab onto Him, and not let go until I get some peace, until I get some prayers answered.

I used to feel guilty for that. I used to think I was horrible for crying out to Him, because I’d been told “be grateful, thankful, shut up, get in line, other people have it worse, your problems aren’t that bad, get over losing your Momma, quit complaining…”blah, blah, blah. And true, some people do have “it worse”….but we can’t minimalize our own agony. We ALL have hurts. To ignore pain, to ignore ANY of our issues, with ourselves, or within our marriages, and to push things under the rugs of our lives will ONLY make everything worse….because all secrets will come back to haunt us if we don’t handle them. Don’t be naïve, whatever cheap remedy we think is “fixing” our issues that we’re keeping from all those around us won’t last….the only way through is THROUGH. Ya can’t go around reality.

Today, the one thing I know to be true is this; a God I can’t cry out to, or even complain to when life is so brutal, is NOT a God worth hanging onto.

If this God who loves us as much as we TRULY believe He does, if this God who created us in HIS very image really does care for us…….WHY would we EVER IN A MILLION YEARS believe that He’d want us to push our broken hearts aside and ignore our pain?? Why do we choose to make up our own false reasons about our hurt, or someone else’s hurt? Why do we create these false stories that shut up the oppressed, only to appease our false sense of “faith”?

That isn’t the Gospel.

The Gospel isn’t afraid to look at tears. The Gospel isn’t afraid to comfort somebody beaten up by life, by other people. The Gospel isn’t afraid to be around somebody who has a negative attitude, who is angry, who is hurt. The Gospel doesn’t cover up the truth, it drags it out into the light, exposing all that is dark. The Gospel doesn’t shut up the oppressed. When it does, it stops being the Gospel.
Isn’t that what it’s supposed to be for? The oppressed? And oppressed by what?
Sometimes, we become the oppressors of others in our silence, in our actions and inactions, in our hatred, in our judgments, in our “false stories” (thanks to my husband for these ideas) about others, and ourselves. We become our own “anti-Christs”…in more ways than we even care to learn about.

I think sometimes we mistake motivational speaking as the Gospel.
And it’s not.
The Gospel is summed up in one word; LOVE….in one man; JESUS.

I think we need to be careful with our false doctrines that we hold so dear. The Gospel is big enough to accept us all, and all of each of us.

All of our brokenness, all of our weakness, all of our hurt, despair, sorrow, grief, and tears.

Have we learned nothing of a Saviour born into poverty? A Saviour who went to the poor, the broken, the sad, the depressed, the sorrowful…….have we forgotten the Gospel Story that much?

Anyway…..I guess I am thankful, still, as I’ve mentioned in years past….for hurting. I hope for pain to stop, for myself, for my sweet loved one (you know who you are). I hope for the grief to end. Until then, I will be thankful that God is big enough to understand my hurt and become the “suffering servant” (thanks again, My Love) to each of our own hearts. He is big enough to handle the truth of your life, the things we keep away from others…pretending that all is well. What was it Emily Dickinson said?... “I like a look of agony, because I know it’s true…”

The Gospel is a true story….one of LOVE. Love takes on everyone, and love would never shut out the cry of any person who was oppressed by anything.

Be love for one another.

“And He said to him, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’…..” Matthew 22:37-39

And oh, by the way… I often wonder if this God gives me these very real, very calm, very peaceful and hopeful reminders of Him just before these horrible storms to let me know that no, it ISN’T okay….but that He is with me, even as I hang onto Him and keep wrestling with him, being persistent in asking Him to show up and answer my cries.

I am convinced that He will wait with me until He does.

Talk is Cheap.

2011-10-25T15:26:00.001-07:00

“Maybe, sorta, kinda, if I really had to say
Something good is on its way…
And we’re gonna pull through, we’re gonna pull through.”
*Over the Rhine*

Life can offer so much heartache.

Through the times it has handed us grief, tears, frustration, loss, and sorrow, you have been the kind of husband who always offered hope, broad shoulders, and comfort. You have reminded me I wasn’t alone. You have carried my grief. You have shared in my sorrows. You’ve reminded me how much God loves me…and ironically, you’ve hardly used any words at all. You’ve simply loved me…….every single moment.

And because of the way you have loved me, I have been able to remember His love for me. Because of how you have acted, always out of love and never obligation…….I will forever be thankful. I only hope I am almost as wonderful to you as you always have been to me. I love you, Love. I don’t know why some things in life come so hard…but I’m so glad that loving you comes easy. I guess I just wanted to remind you of that.

Trapped in Time.

2011-10-04T12:53:00.000-07:00

I sit here watching my sweet son work on his science lesson. He is reading about pandas. He starts telling me all sorts of facts about pandas and other animals. I notice something that I hadn’t ever thought of before. I’m listening to his little sweet voice, and just taking in the way he pronounces his words, the excitement in his voice. He just turned 7, (goodness….where does the time disappear to?) and I realize he won’t sound like this anymore. I began to think of the way his voice sounded last year, two years ago…..and even further, trying to remember the sound of it when he first started talking. It sends chills down my spine to think that I can’t exactly remember. Sure, I can watch a home video and hear that voice again, but it will still be somewhat distorted from being recorded. The time has passed. He won’t be sounding like that anymore. In a few short years, he will be speaking to me in a voice that is deeper, more mature. He will be turning into a young man sooner than I ever could’ve imagined. Try as I may, I can’t go back. Neither can I go forward. All I can do is be present, be here…in this time, in this moment.

Whatever life is handing you, whatever you are living out today, LIVE it. If it’s happiness, abundance, love, joy…..live those things. Laugh until you cry, take care of others in your abundance, love so fiercely that you feel as if your heart may explode, savor the joy. Yet in your happiness, remember those around you who are hurting, be there for them, encourage them, cry with them, help carry their burdens. If what you’re going through today is grief, drought, heartache, sadness…..live those things. Let yourself grieve, allow others to take care of you, let your heart literally ache, because often- that is what it takes to heal. Cry as much as you need to, and don’t feel guilty about it…there are times in life when all we can do is offer tears and grief, and that is perfectly acceptable. Allow others to carry your burdens with you.

Whatever we are living through today will pass…time is both a blessing and a curse.

Not everything we endure happens to teach us some grand lesson . When we are experiencing pain and loss, it doesn’t mean God may be trying “tell us something”. It just may be happening, and the best thing we can do is LIVE through it. The key word being LIVE.

Don’t ignore your tears, nor your laughter. LIVE them.

Tomorrow, he may sound different. I will always remember yesterday’s voice. But today, I can LIVE it with him. I can listen to him, love him, cry with and for him, learn from him, teach him, LIVE with him.

I think that pleases Him, for us to live…….whether we are living out tears or laughter…….He is with us. Either crying with us, or laughing with us. Either way, let’s LIVE each today for what it’s worth, because we can't escape the time that has us trapped.

“There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven…” Ecclesiastes 3:1

A Fake Smile, or an Honest Tear?

2011-09-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

When did we start equating happiness, optimism, and distancing ourselves with those hurting as Godliness?? This is absolutely not Good News. We are to speak up for the oppressed and hurting ones, to be a voice for them when they don't have one. To often sacrifice a "good mood" for another person's tears. Shutting a person out of our lives simply because they are hurting, mourning, pessimistic, or heaven forbid, depressed, will not do a single thing to bring about the Kingdom. For the life of me I can't understand how we have confused turning our hearts from the hurting ones as love.

I remember reading that we are to "let all that we do be done in love". I remember reading stories of people hurting, crying out, and wailing for love, healing, and restoration. I remember reading that we are to "bear one another's burdens". I remember reading of a Saviour who wept. I remember Him accepting the oppressed.
If we have a problem with people hurting, and being honest and faithful enough to talk about their hurt, instead of pasting on a fake smile to appease the masses of christians around them.....then following a Man who was crucified may not be what we really want to do.

After all, what is more important? Him, His children? Or the ability to shut out the cries of the oppressed so we can always wear a smile on our faces...and never have to feel an honest, human, God- given emotion?

Whispering Love.

2011-08-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

"For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.' But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another." Galatians 5:13-15

It is such a freeing thing to grasp the idea that His will for us is to love, always. Not a corruption of love, not a twisted love, but the love mentioned above. Love never tears down, it builds up. Love doesn't condemn, it embraces. Love doesn't insist upon a certain theology or doctrine. It doesn't demand it's own way.

As I look back at the days I've been given, something fascinates me about love. I've never, not once, experienced love shown to me by cold doctrines, shallow faith, or judgments cast upon me from those who "know better" than others. I've not once experienced His love when someone is shouting at me, "Do this, do that". I haven't seen love when someone shamed another in their hurting.

The times I have seen Him, love, have been when a friend is crying from a broken heart. When someone chose to comfort another, rather than judge them. When someone whispered hope to a broken heart, rather than condemning them.

I remember seeing Him when my closest friends cried with me after losing my Momma. I see love when I get a postcard reminding me I am being prayed for. I know real love when I think of Her. I see love when my husband teaches. I feel love when I'm with my whole family.

I don't remember ever seeing real love, the kind that is pure, selfless, compassionate, and faithful when someone was shouting from the rooftops that their way was the only true way. On the contrary....everytime I've experienced times like that, I've seen a distortion of love. And everytime I hope and pray that the real thing will win out, for His sake...for your sake...for our sake.

Because as absolutely true as it is that there ARE other wills at work on this earth.....His will, the one of LOVE is also at work. My hope for my son is for Him to always recognize what real love is, and choose to do it. Even when that choice seems unpopular, or goes against some system's set of beliefs. I hope he grows up to be a man who is loving, loyal, honorable, and who constantly whispers hope, peace, and comfort to those around him, even when the opposite is being shouted back at him. I hope he will be a man who helps the oppressed. I hope he can look back on his days and recognize love, when he's truly seen Him. I hope he knows how truly loved he is in a world that can be riddled with grief. In other words, I hope this sweet boy grows up to be just like his Daddy.

Restoration.

2011-07-25T17:19:00.000-07:00

Since The Deep Sadness, our family has been visited by tragedy upon tragedy. Even though God could have changed things but didn't, we are left here handling the grief. Yet I have still been comforted by knowing that he has been here with us all along. Even though we have felt His absence...we have also felt His presence.

Living through losing her, in the terrible way it all happened, I have written how it brought me to see the sorrowful side of God. The past few years, He has so chosen to continue to show that same side of Himself. My thoughts and ideas on God have been challenged, changed, shattered, mangled, stretched, and strengthened. There is a place a daughter gets to when she loses her Mother at a young age. I never expected it. But yet, here I am. If God can so choose to cause such deep, great, life-changing loss in our lives.....if He is THAT powerful, then He can be powerful enough to bring comfort, and hope. He can carry this lifelong grief with us. He can even so choose to give us many new, wonderful blessings. Losing her has left a huge gap in my soul that can never be filled until we meet again. However, though it has opened up my eyes to see how great and awful life can be, and it has affirmed my deepest fears....it somehow has reminded me that if He is THAT big....He can cause just as many great and wonderful things, as well.

This emptiness in my soul has given me wings to take flight. Because I know wherever I go, she is with me.

I have a tiny piece of faith, tattered and torn.....I have an even tinier shred of hope that has somehow remained, amidst all this pain. I believe it has been kept safe for these moments in my life. Instead of asking God, "Will you?"....I am now saying, "I know you will!!!". Because I can't ignore the part of Him that has kept me sane and alive. I have to believe, for my sake, my family's sake, my friend's sake, and even His...that He is about to pick up the broken pieces He has shattered...and piece together new and beautiful pictures of restoration.

I have always said to ignore deep grief is to ignore Him. "For if He causes grief, then he will have compassion according to His abundant lovingkindness." Lamentations 3:32

These words have been stuck in my head for days...

"He'd begun to wake up in the morning with something besides dread in his heart. Not happiness exactly, not eagerness for the new day, but a kind of urge to be eager, a longing to be happy." ~Jon Hassler~

"Do you dare? Why not? Think of your loved one as blessing your effort, smiling through the veil that separates life from death, cheering you on---'Go ahead. Give it a try. I dare you. You know I'd love to have you succeed. And you may. This is the time!'..." ~Martha Whitmore Hickman~

"'Why not' is a slogan for an interesting life." ~Mason Cooley~

*"You who have shown me many troubles and distresses will revive me again, and will bring me up again from the depths of the earth." Psalm 71:20

The God Who Takes...and Gives.

2011-07-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

This God who loves me, who created me, who gives me breath everyday, has allowed me to see a side of Him that I never would have tried to get to know on my own. He has allowed tragedy after tragedy to surround me, and there have been many nights I grappled with wondering if He was even "there". There have been nights I cried silently, wondering as Job once did, "What is my strength that I should wait? And what is my end that I should endure?" (Job 6:11). I never would have understood why a person would speak those words, until the past three and a half years. Day after day, week after week, there have been so many different things I have given to Him to take care of.....and nothing. Minute after minute, hour after hour, through bitter, sad, broken tears I have cried out, "Why?". I know there is no answer, regardless of all the nice, tidy religious suggestions one may try to push on someone who is hurting...all I have come to know is to just keep going. Even when grief is all He gives, keep going. Even when silence is all He gives,keep going. Even when He takes.....keep going. Even when He could change it all in a second but doesn't...keep going. "Shall we accept good from God, and not accept adversity?" (Job2:10)

I have come to know through tears, loneliness, and grief over the past many moons of darkness that one thing is certain; this is God's doings. I can't change that. And He knows my heart well enough to know that the anger I have towards Him is out of the love I have for Him. The doubt I have in Him is out of the belief I have in Him. He alone brought on these dark days...He alone can change them. I will continue to wrestle, and feel each pain for what it's worth until He answers....just as those we read of in the Bible did....I can't let go of Him, because I believe He has been here beside me through it all. And if I believe that,then I believe He has felt it all. And if I believe that, then I must believe that He can change things. I have learned that my great grief is, indeed, great faith.

My family has many things hanging in the balance right now. So much can change, for the better. But because of the past few years, I have some issues with trusting that things will get better. (Because I think there is MUCH to be said of our theology/faith/hope changing due to life's happenings. If we blindly ignore the bad, we will surely miss Him in it. If we only smile when hell is all around, we negate the beauty of hurting, and become like unfeeling robots. I canNOT look at His life, and the way He created us, and believe that that is the way we are to live....it goes directly against the heart of the Gospel.) Because I have become so familiar with the darkness around me, it's been tough for me to get to re-know this God who gives. Yes, I've seen Him as the God who takes for a while now...but I am seeing glimpses again of the Giver.

I guess I'm walking a fine line. I am *almost* at a point where I can say, "What if He actually DOES answer these deep prayers I've been crying for years?". Almost. That is a big step. A different place. A place that is still quite unfamiliar to me. There's so much He's taken, things we've longed for, prayed for. I am beginning to wonder if He may, just maybe, give again. Restore again. Much like Job, I guess. Job didn't get his loved ones back, but He did get a new family. So there's this great tension of living with reality, but accepting new gifts. Still carrying love and grief for what was, but getting to love and and accept new gifts, as well.

Maybe that's where I am right now. I am still in this cold darkness, where He has placed me...but my empty hand is reaching out, and it is warm...and I think I may feel the Hand of the Giver, once again.

A VERY happy and sappy love story…….but a true one.

2011-06-27T17:42:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl,
I often fantasized about
A picture perfect family for me.

To be married to the greatest
Man, who loved me so truly,
My own handsome prince charming.

I looked, I waited, I prayed,
I often gave up that dream,
And convinced myself there was no such man.

I forgot my worth,
I forgot what love was,
I gave up on my wonderful plan.

Still, I needed someone
to share in this life,
To laugh with me, cry with me, love me.

A man who would be
Always faithful and true,
A wonderful husband, he’d always be.

Somehow, and I just
Don’t know why,
God made my whole dream come true.

He sent a man who
Was better than any prince,
An amazing love….He sent me YOU.

When I’ve needed to
Cry, you’ve held me…
My burdens you’ve always helped carry.

When I’ve laughed,
It’s been so much sweeter,
I’m so glad we decided to marry!!

When I often forget
Who I am in Him,
You remind me of His grace.

When I picture in my
Head what love is,
It’s always your handsome face.

You’ve made all the
Happy days much brighter,
Because you’re here, there is more joy.

You’ve made the
Sad days seem a little less heavy…
Oh Em Gee, you’re my favorite boy!!!

I don’t deserve
To call you mine,
In fact, I often feel unworthy of

This love you give me,
I’m so grateful for you,
Happy 8th Anniversary, My Love!!

It’s always been you, it will always be you.

Life has handed us despair, grief, anger, love, happiness, doubt, worry, stress, bliss, laughter, joy, and tears.

And because God has given me YOU to share this life with, the laughs have been longer, and the hurts have been much softer.

Eight years…it may seem like a long time…but when it comes to loving you, it’s not anywhere close to the number of years it would take to show you just how much I love you.

Happy Anniversary, My Love. You are such a reminder that true love does, indeed exist, and that God answers prayers.

Paradox.

2011-06-22T18:08:00.000-07:00

Three and a half years. It’s been that long since we lost Her. My Momma.

Has the grief left? No, not at all. (I refuse to believe that “one day” it won’t hurt that I don’t have my Momma here. I don’t see our God as one who sees the need to blot out the memories of our loved ones……if that were so, then what is the point of loving one another now??) Yes, I have laughed since then. I’ve laughed so much that my stomach burned with joy. I’ve felt immense love so much that there are no words to describe- from my amazing husband, son, Daddy, sister, friends, etc. I’ve also still cried. Cried bitter, angry, sad, lonely tears for her.

I’ve mentioned before how many people see grief as something that needs “12 steps” to recover from. Another danger for people experiencing grief is that others see it as a weakness…and will then treat them as a project that needs fixin’. We grow our whole lives being told, “Be strong” when Jesus overcame death with weakness. We say, “Do it yourself!”…when we learn that apart from Him we can do nothing. “Don’t cry”….yet He says he keeps our tears in a bottle. “Don’t depend on anyone”…when we learn from Him to “bear one another’s burdens”.

Grief IS A WEAKNESS. However, what makes us think that being weak is wrong?? We erroneously equate weakness for sin. And it’s not. Sin is making a choice to do the absolute wrong thing. Is grief wrong? NO. Then WHY on earth do we treat hurting people as though they need to “overcome” their grief? Why do we treat them as though they’re stuck in some dark sin? Why on earth do we say things like, “I’ll pray that God gives you strength to get over this, and smile and be happy, even though your loved one is now buried six feet under, and you’ll spend the rest of your life without them”... Sounds ridiculous when you read that out loud, huh?? But let me tell you…..I’ve heard things just like that before, and all too often somebody needing hope whispered to their broken spirit is condescendingly told, “I’ll pray for you”.

Grief brings to the surface an intimate side of us. When we long to have our loved ones back, we are vulnerable. We hurt, and sometimes we have to talk about it. We cry, and sometimes need someone to cry with us. We are often weak from hurting, and the hurt is all we CAN feel. We feel great loss, because great love is there. Weakness is something He was all too familiar with. Heaven help us for ever thinking that as Believers, it is our god-given duty to “be strong” when parts of our very being are dead. Forgive us for belittling those amidst their pain, when bearing their burdens is truly what mirrors Him.

When did we become so arrogant in our faith that we think our grief is something we need to overcome? When Jesus, Himself, missed someone he loved so much, that he brought him back FROM THE DEAD.

I am often appalled at the way we silence someone else’s tears. It sickens me, really. We call them crybabies, we say they just need to get to a “more mature” point, we say we’ll pray they can stop being so sensitive…..when Jesus said we are supposed to be like CHILDREN. What’s the FIRST thing a child does when they are hurting? THEY C R Y!!! They seek comfort. They seek someone’s lap to sit on while they hurt. They want to know they’re not alone. They complain out of their pain. They express a basic, God-given need that we grown-ups often forget….the need for one another. They are honest…so much that they acknowledge the pain within, don’t understand it, but know they need others to lean on. And what do we do? We are there for them (hopefully). But somehow we see grown-ups acting like children, having the audacity to shed a tear because a loved one was ripped out of their lives…..and we tell them to “build a bridge and get over it”. We see someone living with grief that’s too hard to even speak of…..and we choose to ignore them, finding every reason in the book to excuse our unloving responses. God forgive us. Forgive us for only wanting to see Your good side, and ignoring Your sorrowful side.

This God who loves us is not a big fluffy, pink marshmallow of a man who wants nothing for us but rainbows, laughs, riches, and self-righteousness.

He is a paradox. Though He comforts….He causes grief. Though He catches our tears….He causes crying. Though He gives…..he takes away. Though He is present…..He is often absent.

Our tears, our hurts, our broken hearts, our grief…….are all precious to Him. Just as our laughter, joy, prosperity, and smiles may be used to further His Kingdom….. so will our cries, sadness, poverty, broken hearts, and grief. If Jesus’ story is true, then we HAVE to get to a point to live as though we believe this.

Not My Home.

2011-05-26T17:44:00.000-07:00

As my family eyes a potential move to a faraway place, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. I’ve never been out of the southwest, barring one trip to Ohio years ago. I’ve been thinking about that word, “home”. What does it mean? The past three and a half years have redefined home for me. I can’t drive down 15th street in Frederick, Oklahoma, and go visit my Momma and Daddy at “home”. I won’t find them there. Momma is not in a place where I can see her anymore. Daddy is at home with Nonna, in Texas. And my heart rejoices in that for him. We’ve been praying for peace and healing for him for so long, and we are thankful for this new phase in his life, and thankful for Nonna, who’s been a huge blessing to our family in more ways than she knows. That’s another story, for another time.

Home.

As many people know, “The Wizard of Oz” is my all-time favorite movie. I have a pretty good collection of memorabilia from that movie, and the books. It’s sort of poetic, how much I love that movie, and how I identify with Dorothy.

I’ve written about my story, probably so much that people don’t care to hear, but I can’t apologize for that. (I believe with my whole heart that sharing our stories with one another provides comfort, healing, and is another way to spread the Good News….after all, isn’t the whole Bible a collection of stories?) And for all the sadness, tears, grief, sorrow, hopelessness….many times that is all I’ve had to offer. And if I’ve learned ANYTHING over the past few years, it is that that is okay. It is actually a VERY good thing. In fact, if I were to withhold what God is putting me through….it would not be fair to me, or you. As hard as the truth is sometimes, it’s just that, the truth. My husband mentioned recently how he was oddly comforted by the words of Jesus, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”…..that hits home for me as well. Sometimes I need to know that someone else is hurting and crying out for comfort…..sometimes knowing I wasn’t alone was the ONLY thing that kept me going through the very long days and nights that drew out the latter days of my twenties. It’s comforting to know that I’m “safe” to hurt, mourn, cry, have sorrow, “feel”….because He allows that……we are safe in our sorrow with Him. In fact, shouldn’t I offer my whole self to Him, rather than withhold those most honest parts, such as grief and sorrow?? That is why I share these hard things….because I know there are others hurting silently…..you are not alone.

There are days when it seems as though the past few years have aged me a good fifty years. There are days when it’s still hard to wake up, because the first things I remember are the tragedies that have happened to my family. There are days when all I can do is drink coffee, and make it through what seems like endless hours of despair. Nights when tears just flow as I lay next to my husband. Tears of grief, anger, despair, worry, doubt. Days when I fear what may happen to our family, not out of some neurotic mindset, but because of what already HAS happened. Yet, there are good days. There are days when I can just sort of “feel” (for lack of a better word) that my Momma is here alongside me, missing us just as we’re missing her. Days when I feel hopeful, as small as that hope may be, that something good is coming our way. Days when I look at my son, and I’m so proud of his accomplishments at only 6 years old. Days when I cry tears of joy for the sweet moments God’s given me amidst the sorrow. Days when I want to “sing of His mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy….”.

What has life reminded me lately? Home isn’t a place I can see, it isn’t the town I grew up in. It’s not the town my husband and I started our lives together. It isn’t the house I grew up in, that I still picture my Momma living in on many days. It isn’t where we may move to in a few weeks.

There is a beautiful picture I have hanging in our home that reads, “HOME IS WHERE THEY LOVE YOU”.

That’s just it. Right there. Those simple words. But who are “they”? They are my family, my close friends. Home is my Momma. Home is who my Momma is now with. Home is East Texas, near a beautiful lake, where my Daddy and Nonna live. Home is where my sister resides, in a suburb of Kansas City. Home is in my best friend’s homes. Home is Kansas where my in-laws live. Home is where My Love, our offspring, and myself reside…..whether that’s a one bedroom apartment given to us from friends to shelter us from life, a beautiful home rented to us from other selfless friends, or a small apartment in Pasadena, California. Home is, indeed where they love me. I can only hope that no matter where life takes us, I will lavishly give that love back that’s been given to me. God’s been showing me how to redefine home. Home is more than a house, more than a town, more than a country. Home is with my husband, who has always been loving, inspiring, loyal, encouraging, comforting, and often put up with more than he deserves. Home is in my sweet little baby boy’s eyes, as he continues to grow everyday.

I identify so much with that little girl who is longing for a place to call home, a place to belong, to fit in…a place where she is loved. In the end, she ultimately finds she’s been there all along…that home is where they love her the most….

And I can assure you, there’s no place like home.

Overwhelmed in the Thought.

2011-05-09T18:06:00.001-07:00

The night before the day that we’re all to celebrate the muthas…..I didn’t get much rest. I think my eyes didn’t close until around 3:00a.m. For some reason, one thought entered my mind, and it is still screaming at me. Don’t know why it’s taken three and a half years…..but it has. There I was, winding down for the night with my husband. Attempting to keep my mind off of the elephant in the room, and enjoy my husband’s birthday weekend as well…..
And it hit me like 87 thousand bricks…

She’s not coming back, my Momma.

She’s not going to be here when I turn 35, 40, 45, etc. She’s not going to see the rest of the children we have, they’ll never hear her contagious laugh. She won’t be here again, on this side of eternity, anyway. For the rest of my days here, her absence is permanent. Now I already knew that. It’s been hard enough trudging through the past few years without her, never having her to call and ask important Mommy questions….never celebrating birthdays and holidays with her, never having her to call when something amazing happens….I already knew. But for some reason that night, it really started to resonate….it’s permanent. And no matter what I try to say to make myself “deal” with it….it doesn’t take away the fact that it hurts like hell, it’s not fair, and it’s permanent.

Usually when some big tragedy or revelation happen, I (which I’m sure many people do as well) have so many ways to cope. I think we are kinda sorta made that way. We can talk ourselves through what we need to say, feel, or do. We can try to look at the bright side. We can keep ourselves busy. We can focus on something completely different. And some of us even ignore what needs to be dealt with. These mechanisms may work fine sometimes in life, they may help for a season. For me, I write. I don’t take grief lightly, and I have made it a point to try to help others as much as I know how in their sorrow. And sometimes it helps, to just get it all out. To just cry. To tell my husband I just need a hug. To eat some chocolate.

And then there are nights like that night. Where no words will help. No hug will heal. No amount of tears will relieve the pain. No amount of writing will soften the blow. On these nights, when the world seems silent….when God, Himself seems to be somewhere off in the distance…I believe with my whole heart I’m not “supposed” to cope. I’m not supposed to find some bright spot. I’m not supposed to make myself busy with life. I’m not supposed to pretend to be happy about something so dark.

And sweet you, neither are you.
Some moments in life, we’re supposed to be broken, needy children who have no answers. Sometimes we’re supposed to be souls carrying cracked hearts, drowning in our tears from the pain of missing our loved ones. Sometimes we’re supposed to be needy people who have nothing to offer but broken hearts full of questions that angrily, or even bitterly cry out, “WHY?!?!”…..

Because if we’re all-knowing people, full of answers, full of smiles, full of rainbows, sunshine, kittens, puppies, unicorns………if we’re a people who don’t need the love and comfort of a Saviour, who never need one another for love and support…..that is what we will pass on to those looking to us for answers; that simply ignoring one another’s pain, including our own, is the answer…and how sad to pass that on to another human being. If we don’t need one another, what’s the point??

…..and what was the point of a Man on a cross?

If we are people full of certainy and hands overflowing from an abundance of answers about life…then we can never come to Him like a child (which He mentions in that thing called His Word…) who often has nothing to offer but questions about the world, eyes full of tears from life’s hurts, and the faith of simply coming to Him, without a single thing to offer.
I’ve noticed that about our son.

He wants us most when he’s sick. He needs us most when he’s hurting. He needs us most when he’s angry, even at us! He cries for us when he’s upset and doesn’t understand why bad things have to happen. He simply comes to us with all of his hurt, sadness, wounds, and sickness…..but he still comes knowing we are here for him, he knows we are here.
Sometimes, that is the only way I can come to Him. As a child with nothing but questions, hurt, sadness, despair, doubt, worry, tears…..even anger at HIM. But I still go…because it’s all I know to do—as my husband has said before, “We still go even then, because we know He is our only hope.” He is indeed, especially when looking at something as dark, sad, and lonely as death.

He knows I have some serious beef with him about the past few years. He knows my feelings, my hurt, my anger. He knows the injustices done. He knows the reason I cry like I did that Saturday night. And He is still my Father, our Father…..who is carrying around our hurt with us. He loves us that much…..to not cast us away when all we know to do is hurt. His love is that B I G that it doesn’t run away when we question why He causes us to grieve. Heaven forbid we ever make another soul feel stupid for hurting. Heaven forbid we abandon our friends in their deep sorrows. Heaven forbid we ever silence a crying, grieving heart, whether it’s a two-year-old who scraped his knee, or a thirty-year-old who needs her Momma. Heaven forbid we ever get to a point where we think He only offers smiles and giggles, and not sadness and tears. If so, we may have totally missed what happened those dark hours when there was nothing BUT sadness, grief, blood, and tears.

Shut Up Already!

2011-04-19T18:36:00.000-07:00

I've written about my own grief for over three years. I've talked about how way too often (not always, but often enough) people ignore grief, as if ignoring it will make the grief disappear.....or better yet my own experience has been that others see someone hurting and ignore their pain, hoping to shut them up. This thinking runs rampant throughout American churches, as well.

“It is hard to have patience with people who say, ‘There is no death’, or ‘Death doesn’t matter.’ There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn’t matter. I look up at the night sky. Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn?” -C.S. Lewis in “A Grief Observed”

Lewis makes some great points in the above quote. 1) Death IS real, and it DOES matter. 2) It has consequences that can't be changed. 3) Talking as if it doesn't matter is equal to saying our own lives don't matter.

Each event in life brings on changes....some make things worse, some will make life much better. Either way, changes make us think of our loved ones who are gone. If I'm sad, if more tragedy happens, I find myself reaching out for Momma. If I'm lonely, discouraged, I find myself wanting to call her and just cry and let it all out....because she is definitely the one person who would listen and care in more ways than even I understand. She's my Momma. I'm a Momma...I know if my son is hurting, I hurt doubly so.

Again, I will say, I write for those out there who are grieving fiercely for their loved one(s)...for those who have been made to feel stupid by others for talking about their pain...for those who are carrying this burden alone...I've been there. I know others have been there. And many, MANY times, I have cried out, spoken out, poured out my very heart to people only to find that I've been pouring my very soul into a bottomless pit that spews out nothing but empty words, and makes me feel like I'm "less than" for actually STILL talking about hurting and grieving-three years after the Deep Sadness happened. But that is NOT the case with God. That's not the case with many others, either.

I get it. I get that some don't like to hear about the hurt death causes. I get that some feel uneasy when a person speaks of their hurts. I get that some want me to "get over it already!!"....which yes, I have been told...I get that hearing about pain is NOT EASY...it costs us something. It costs us something, deep within, when we CHOOSE to hurt with those around us who are hurting.

And each and every time I think about the uneasiness of carrying other's burdens, of listening to another person's pain....of the cost it is to us, be it our time, our words, even our tears...I think of Him...I think of a cross....I think of a Saviour who hears us. I think of my husband who carries this burden with me. My two best friends in the world who never cease to pray for me when I let them know out of nowhere, that I'm just having a hard day. I think of those dear people I know who carry around open wounds that many people silence with their heartless words, and sometimes by even quoting a select Bible verse to make them feel justified in their heartlessness!!

I have grown SO ENTIRELY WEARY of having to defend my faith, my grief, my tears, my fear, my broken heart. Is it not enough that I’ve gone through all of the hell of the past three years, which has been much more than losing Her, that I have to now defend my hurts?? Is it not enough that I cry over that, but have to tiptoe around what I say to others?? Is it not enough that I carry a heart that’s cracked in half, a spirit that’s been wounded by those who claim to be the “faithful” ones, that I have to now become silent for fear of being told again and again to “shut up already!”??? It frustrates me, to say the least. It HURTS me. YET, what hurts me EVEN MORE is knowing that this happens to other people every. Single. day. THAT is what I will spend my days forever trying to change.

So for whatever reason, be it stubbornness, or mercy…..I can’t stop. I can’t stop thinking of the people I know (and don’t know) who are hurting beyond words…..and have been told by people, namely the church, how they “should be” dealing with their grief, and how they should just sit down, shut up, smile, and move on.
You, the one hurting…..your broken heart is precious to Him. Your tears are caught by Him. Your deep grief, your broken heart, it is NOT a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it’s a sign of FAITH. For when we are true to the hurt that He, Himself hands us…..we’d be nothing less than human (created in His image) if we cried out to Him. When we truly offer Him, and one another our ENTIRE selves…..we are being nothing BUT honest.
We are being nothing but vulnerable, needy, and broken children who need comfort from our Heavenly Father……….I ask you, what kind of a parent would turn away such a heart???

And if we agree that we should NEVER turn a heart away like that…..then I ask W H Y do we treat one another this way?!?!?

It needs to end.

Find someone who’s hurting, and comfort them. Find someone who’s crying, and cry with them. Find someone who’s depressed and love on them. Find someone who’s alone and be with them. Find someone who’s been betrayed and be faithful to them. Find someone who’s grieving, and grieve with them. Are these not MORE ways to share the gospel???

If we don’t truly grasp the deep pain that death brings, the sting of the grave, the absence of a loved one, then how on earth can we pretend to understand the entire Easter event?

The Overflow.

2011-04-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

Death.

Suffering.

Poverty.

Forgiveness.

Mercy.

Grace.

These words have been running through my mind. It doesn’t matter what bookstore you’re in, what denomination you claim (if any), your age, your ethnicity, what political party you’re affiliated with, nobody quite knows how to answer the questions that loom when these things happen. I’m quite certain you can walk into any bookstore and find countless people’s opinions on these subjects. Be cautious if you ever read an author claiming to have all the answers to these things.

In spite of having no answers, one thing is sure; they DO happen. From the abandoned child left in a dumpster, to the mother who murders herself and her children, to the untimely death of a loved one, to the spirit broken by hate-filled words, to the orphaned child crying in the night…….suffering happens.

We have no answers…..which makes it hard to handle. Which makes some people not handle these things at all. They just look away and shut the doors of their very souls on these hurting ones.

Then there’s grief. Twelve steps, no-- fourteen now? Which stage are we supposed to be in now….I’ve lost count. And when should it end? (does it?) We better not talk about grief, because we all know that makes people uncomfortable.

So still, people walk away….choosing to ignore the very REAL hurt they carry around….as well as the hurt of others.

Then there’s the flipside….there are those who forgive such heinous crimes. There are those who forgive even when they’re not asked for that forgiveness. There are those who have done horrible things, yet receive mercy. How can this be? They do NOT deserve it!!! LOOK at what they did?!?!? The evidence is there, they KNEW better….yet they still did it, over and over again. They knowingly hurt many people, they need to PAY!!!

For some, this is simply unacceptable. Heinous acts deserve to be punished. How DARE they be forgiven!!!

So they do what it takes to make people pay. They speak out. They hold rallies. They bomb places. They openly pray for the demise of these horrible people who’ve messed up tremendously.

This FASCINATES me. The culture we live in is fixated on making people pay, yet wanting a “get out of jail free” card for themselves. We do NOT like to see other people receive mercy, yet we BEG for it for ourselves. We do NOT offer grace freely….yet we pray for it and accept it so easily.

We don’t mess with talking about the things that don’t fit into our boxes.
And we like our boxes.

If you don’t fit, you’re not invited.

If you are going through something we can’t explain, please exit now.

If you are doing things we don’t approve of, sorry….no invitation.
Come back when you fit in.

And boy oh boy….do we LOVE telling people how wrong they are!!! How much they’ve messed up! We ADORE making sure everyone knows how this guy over here and that gal over there just cannot get it right. They really need to be prayed for…….until they look just. Like. Us.

Many of us have become mirrors of Job’s friends.

But here’s the thing with all the words that have been running through my mind. They can’t be explained. They don’t fit. They are M E S S Y. They overflow and spill out, getting everything dirty and messy. Then we have to take time out of our “spiritual” lives and actually spend our energy on cleaning it up. Grief. Death. Suffering. They touch every part of our lives, drowning us in tears, as the Psalms say. And mercy and forgiveness……they’re MUCH too big to fit in our boxes. We don’t deserve them. Ever. They can’t be contained…..but isn’t that the beauty in them?? Isn’t that the beauty in tears, in laughter…..that they always spill out?? That they touch us inside in a place that’s simply too strong for words?...

What do you want to be known for?? For the person who was against this, against that, who brought about vengeance!!!

Or do you want to be known for the person who cried with your friend who just found out her husband was unfaithful to her?

Do you want to be known for the one who rallied against those ignorant *insert political party here*!!

Or the one who took care of the family who was having a rough time and couldn’t pay their bills?

Do you want to be known for the one who preached and preached against this and against that!!!!

Or the one who preached love, mercy, and peace…..?

I think sometimes we spend an awful lot of energy playing judge and jury when we should be sitting in the witness stand for those who are hurting.

We like to demonize, yet we call it “evangelize”.

From what I’ve seen over the past few years, people don’t know what to do with hurting, suffering, death, poverty……..so they don’t try to understand it. And for the ones who do, they’re busy telling everyone else how they OUGHT to be behaving, how they OUGHT to be grieving, how they OUGHT to be mirroring them…….

From what I’ve seen, this culture, this “Christian” culture has become a place that’s not….so……Christian.

This shouldn’t be. Knowing there are views like this of the church should change us…..knowing the church has had a big hand in oppressing the already oppressed should bother us….does it?

Better than a Fairy Tale.

2011-02-14T08:37:00.000-08:00

I realize it's Valentine's Day, and there are several camps of people out there. Some will go out of their way to express their love to their loved ones. Some don't really observe it at all. Some are single. All of these, I truly believe, can be great.

But if you know me, you know that YES, I'm going to talk about my husband. For going on a decade, my Love and I have been there for one another. We've been loving, faithful, encouraging, going through each phase of life hand in hand. I can't speak for other women, I can only speak for myself. For me, having this man be part of me for so long has been an experience that I wish every woman in the world could have. I wake up each day knowing he is mine. I wake up each day knowing he thinks (for some odd reason...) that I'm the MOST beautiful, perfect, amazing woman ever. He makes me believe in myself. I look forward to the day that his son grows into being a man just like his Daddy.

I have been in VERY bad relationships. I have to admit that, to my shame, it took me years to fully appreciate the fact that Darryl DID love me, and only me. It took me a while to understand that his heart belonged to ONLY me. That it always would. I had been broken down for so long, that I never thought I would experience love like this. But I have, I do, and I know it will continue.

There are happy marriages. There are happy, loving, amazing husbands and wives out there. Amidst a world of hurt and heartache, my husband reminds me of that everyday. He reminds me that L O V E is real....it's not just a fairy tale...in fact it is BETTER than any fairy tale ever imagined.

I am convinced I would be a different person, had I lived through the trauma of everything that has happened in the past three years without Darryl. I can't say how I'd be...but I cringe to think at how dark my soul would be. Because God gave this wonderful man to me, I have been comforted, loved, encouraged, and reminded of a Hope that never dies.

Yes, it's Valentine's Day. But with my husband, I can say each and everyday has been even better than Valentine's Day. He loves me. I love him. Every moment. To me, that is a pretty big deal.

I love you, Slim. So much. Thank you for always making me know how loved I am. I can only hope I do the same for you.

The Absence.

2011-02-05T11:54:00.000-08:00

I’ve got an awful lot on my mind…one of the very big things is missing my Momma an awful lot. Her birthday is February 7th. I wrote this in observance of just that. So, though I have a lifetime full of sorrow, frustration, darkness, and doubt to deal with, in many other areas of my life…..this is just for her.

You are missed, Momma. Every. Single. Moment.

The Absence.

Time will never heal
The pain I always feel
When I think of wanting you still here with me.

Every time I see another
Young lady out with her Mother
It brings on all sorts of feelings of jealousy.

Each time I have some news to share
You were the one who cared-
Whether things were really bad or really good…

I still reach for the phone
But I remember you’re not home,
Just to hear your voice again…I wish I could.

There are moments I see
Just a small glimpse in me
That remind me just a little bit of you…

I always wanted your blue eyes,
But now so many times I cry,
And there are still some moments that’s all I can do.

Many moons have gone by,
The sun’s still in the sky,
Though I hate it, the world keeps spinning on.

Life has kept on going
My baby boy won’t stop growing
How I’d give anything to have you here back home.

Things are so different now
I can’t explain how
Your absence has left an emptiness that can’t be filled.

Though I see you in a dream,
And as happy as it seems,
Reality wakes me up to seeing it wasn’t real.

Still, some nights I pray
God will send you my way
Even though I can only see you while I sleep.

So here’s to you, my Mommy!
As we celebrate your birthday…
And next time we meet, we know it’ll be for keeps…

Your laugh, so happy and true,
Your eyes bluer than blue,
Your presence always made us all so glad.

You are missed so deeply,
Remembered so sweetly,
You’re the best Momma a girl ever had.

Jessica Nicole Schafer
2-5-11

For You, Our Friends.

2011-01-12T12:43:00.000-08:00

In the blink of an eye, I can count 22 people VERY close to me who are deeply hurting. Whether it's family issues, marriage issues, job issues, spiritual issues, they are hurting. How I wish I could fix their problems. How I wish I could take away their pain. They know who they are. And God knows who they are, and also helps carry their pain.

I wanted to share this letter. This is for you, my friends whom Darryl and I love dearly. We are carrying your burdens with you, and thinking of you constantly. This was our Christmas letter this year. Some of you haven't received it yet, it will be coming soon! (My apologies, I left them behind on our Christmas trip, so that's why they're late. Better late than never, right?)

You are loved. You are not alone. We are hurting with and for you. I hope amidst your pain that knowing this brings you comfort, if even for a moment.

He is FOR…

The broken
The lonely
The abused
The bruised
The neglected
The hungry
The poor
The hopeless
The homeless
The despairing
The mourning
The forgotten
The cheated
The weary
The lame
The prodigal
The broken-hearted
The foreigner
The orphan
The widowed
The sick
He is for YOU.

Sometimes life gives us NOTHING BUT hurt….and ALL WE CAN OFFER is a broken heart. That is okay. That is acceptable….and believe it or not, it can even be an act of worship! He NEVER turns us away.

In fact….He is closely acquainted with all of those things.

Just as a mother holds a child who’s hurting, and hurts alongside him, wishing she could take away those hurts and carry them herself…how much MORE does He wish we’d come to Him so He could do that very thing??

Our tears, our hurt, our grief, and our broken-hearts are accepted in His Kingdom.....

The story of Christmas is a dark story, filled with scandal and heartbreak. It reminds us of the fact that even in our darkest hour of our darkest days….HE is with us. He is with you. Emmanuel.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

“Let all that you do be done in love.” I Corinthians 16:14

With love for you this Christmas season,
Darryl, Jessica, and Dylan Schafer

"Worth it" (and a little Volf)

2011-01-07T15:40:00.001-08:00

While experiencing another day of, well LIFE, this hit me;

Not everybody grows up with a family that encourages them.

Not everybody grows up hearing, "You can be whatever you want to be!". Not everybody grows up being L O V E D. Of course, I already knew all of this, but it really resonated with me recently. For my sister and myself,(granted our lives weren't perfect,) I think it's perfectly safe to say, even speaking for her, that we grew up with a Momma and Daddy who thought the world of us, gave us everything they could, loved us beyond words, and encouraged us everyday we were growing up.

My sweet lil' boy has two parents who L O V E him incessantly. We try to show him daily our love for him, as well as God's love for him. I hope he grows up knowing his worth, that it is NOT bound up in ANYTHING here....but that his worth is in Him.

My husband loves me. He has reminded me this every. single. day. Sometimes by his words, yes. And the other times, by his very life. MOST times, by his life. By his breaths. In fact, if he were to never speak those words to me again, (which I very much need to hear, I'm just trying to make a point here...) I would still know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me because of the way he HAS always LOVED me with his life since before we were even married. He reminds me in the way he holds me, hugs me, kisses me. He reminds me in the way he takes care of our family in EVERY way. He reminds me in how he carries my burdens with me. He reminds me that I'm worth "it". That I'm worth this whole life....that I'm worth living for day after day, year after year. That I'm worth his days. I only hope I remind him the same thing about himself.

If we grow up without knowing how loved, accepted, valuable we are....it echoes in our hearts throughout the rest of our lives....affecting not only ourselves, but those around us.

I guess I really just wanted to remind you of your worth.

Whoever you are, whatever you've been through, wherever you are tonight...you are loved.

No matter the times another person has torn you down, no matter the hurt you've been handed, no matter the mistakes you've made...your worth is indescribable.

No matter your successes, or your failures, you are worth it.

No matter the times life has scarred you beyond words....you are worth it.

No matter how broken you are, you are loved.

No matter how many things are going wrong in your life, or how many people have abandoned you, you are loved.

No matter how many people have been unfaithful to you, you are worth it.

No matter the burdens you carry, you are loved.

No matter the grief you walk around with day after day, you are worth it.

No matter how much you may not even believe these words, you are still loved, your worth is incomparable...you are worth "it". Believe it, dear reader.

And by the way, I wrote these words to myself tonight, as well. Sometimes life happens, or people happen....and both of those can destroy our humanity to the core. The past three years have undoubtedly done that to myself and my husband. I am hanging on to what I know to be true....even though circumstances don't change, some people don't change.....I have to remember what is T R U E, what is L O V E, because if I forget those things, evil wins.

My Love sent me these words the other day. He has no idea how much I needed to hear them. I want to share them with you. Those who know most of our story can appreciate how comforting the following is to my husband and myself. We have given our very lives over to serving Her, and will NEVER regret it, not for a minute. But for what we've lived through.....we have definitely been left scarred, hurt, and broken-hearted. Still, we will love Him, and His church, and serve them. Because we do not live for ourselves, we live for one another.....even those who hand out nothing but evil. As my husband always says, regardless of who we are, or the damaging things that people do, "We are still part of the same Body." I leave you with what he wrote me:

"So what will happen with the poison that spoils God's good gifts? God will either turn it into medicine or remove it completely. The gifts will remain--which are we ourselves and everything that surrounds us."

"For the God who resurrects, nothing is the end."

*Both quotes by Miroslav Volf*

Amen to Him resurrecting what man has poisoned. Maranatha.

THAT is my hope for this year, and the years to come...for your family, and for mine.

Who are You???

2010-12-31T12:25:00.000-08:00

"According to what I have seen, those who plow iniquity and those who sow trouble harvest it." Job 4:8

"If you would seek God and implore the compassion of the Almighty, if you are pure and upright, surely now He would rouse Himself for you and restore your righteous estate." Job 8:6

"If you would direct your heart right and spread out your hand to Him, if iniquity is in your hand, put it far away, and do not let wickedness dwell in your tents; then, indeed, you could lift up your face without moral defect, and you would be steadfast and not fear." Job 11:13-15

"If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored; if you remove unrighteousness far from your tent, and place your gold in the dust, and the gold of Ophir among the stones of the brooks, then the Almighty will be your gold and choice silver to you." Job 22:23-25

Sound familiar??

These verses, on their own, may sound good and well enough. "Do right, and God will reward you."

What is so saddening, depressing, heartbreaking, is that these words were spoken to a person who had just lost EVERYTHING. His family, his estate, and his health. We read in Job verse after verse, chapter after chapter, how sad he is. He is mourning. He is a broken man. He has nothing. He has lost the very people he lived for, and is now being mocked by those who claim to be part of the "family of God". He is told he MUST have done something wrong to open this door for God to take everything away. He is told, pretty much, "shut up and straighten up".....surely if only he'd repent, God would "show up".

To add insult to injury, Job was crying out to his "friends".....he was crying out from the depths of his soul, wondering, grieving, seeking....needing someone to comfort him. Enter these people who did nothing but point a finger of blame and tell him all the "holy" things they knew, as they sought out ways to teach him the "right ways" of God. If only one day he'd "learn" to fall in line, God would restore his life. Because obviously, according to them, he had it all wrong. (If you read the story, you can even hear the condescending tones in their voices.....the self-righteousness that comes with their heavenly words of wisdom spoken to Job.)

Know what happens throughout the story? The same thing, over and over again. Job laments...he can't understand why God has allowed this. (Which if you read the first chapter, we see that God DID, indeed, allow it all.) He cries, he complains, he asks question after question. And friend after friend comes along to tell him how wrong he is for doing so.

Surely we don't see this, NOR would we ever dream to condemn someone in their hurting now-a-days, right? Surely we've learned enough to know the heartlessness of this....surely....

Then finally, God speaks, after thirty-something chapters of Job crying out to him. A very long time of waiting. And doesn't he say what we expect? Doesn't he tell his friends, "Good job, he had it all wrong....thank you for pointing out the error of his ways and kicking him when he was down, my servants, you got it all RIGHT!"....

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This is what he says to Job's friends;

"My wrath is kindled against you and against your two friends, because you have not spoken of Me what is right as My servant Job has..." Job 42:7b

Now there's so much in this story. Please, find the time to read it. It's worth it.

I wrote all this to say, who are we being??? Who am I? Who are you? Dear reader, are we spending time telling those who are hurting how holy we are, and that if only they'd come around to our way of thinking, God would "show up" in their lives? Are we discouraging those who are already overwhelmingly discouraged??? Are we even using select verses out of the Bible to shut up the cries of the oppressed????

Heaven forbid. I hope not.

But for some reason...I felt the need to share this story yet again.

I am thankful for a God who catches our tears, cries with us, hurts with us, grieves with us, feels with us.....and NEVER belittles a broken heart.

Because who have we ever learned more from in our hurt?? Those who had all the lofty answers of how we needed to change our ways??? Or those who took the time to carry our burdens with us???.....

I hope we all know the beauty of the cross...that it wasn't a beautiful thing at all that night. It was dark, scary, and He was alone. Much like we are throughout different times in life. Go "be a light"....don't add to the darkness that already surrounds us. After all, that's what the Gospel is all about...shining a light in the darkness. Not blowing out the flame of an already broken spirit.

Amen?

He is FOR...

2010-12-20T16:20:00.000-08:00

He is FOR…

The broken

The lonely

The abused

The bruised

The neglected

The hungry

The poor

The hopeless

The homeless

The despairing

The mourning

The forgotten

The cheated

The weary

The lame

The prodigal

The broken-hearted

The foreigner

The orphan

The widowed

The sick

….even when His very children live as if they are NOT.

Sometimes life gives us NOTHING BUT hurt….and ALL WE CAN OFFER is a broken heart. That is okay. That is acceptable….and believe it or not, it can even be an act of worship. There have been MANY days in the last 36 months that all I’ve had to offer God are tears, grief, sadness, and a broken heart…….what I’ve learned is that he NEVER turns that away.

In fact….He is closely acquainted with all of those things.

Dear reader, God never did ask you to “grin and bear it”…..don’t expect that of yourself, or others.

Just as a mother holds a child who’s hurting, and hurts alongside him, wishing she could take away those hurts and carry them herself…how much MORE does He wish we’d come to Him so He could do that very thing??

Our tears, our hurt, our grief, and our broken-hearts are accepted in His Kingdom.....

“Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

She is Everywhere, Yet Nowhere.

2010-12-13T08:15:00.000-08:00

There is a small, almost invisible, part of me that still hopes I can call my Momma, and she'll pick up the phone. That somewhere, somehow, she is reachable. I know reality, I know she is gone. I know I won't see her until the end. But that's just it.....I think I still have this almost non-existent feeling because it hurts too much to realize over and over again that she's not here. Some days, the pain of reality is too much. Everyday I wake up, and I remember. It's as if that first breath I take in the morning, when I realize I'm awake, is ruined immediately because I remember what the day will bring. And I remember what it won't bring. Her.

Sure, I've tried to even tell myself those things that other people have told me...that I have a wonderful family and wonderful friends who love me, and who are here for me. That is so very true....and it is a GOOD thing. Without precious loved ones by our side, who would we be?? But the ever present reality is that I still do NOT have her.

And I've tried to keep myself busy, as I've been told it will somehow "help"...or I've tried to focus on other people, so my mind won't be on my own hurt....which is ironic to me, because if I don't know how to deal with grief, how in the WORLD can I help others deal with their own by ignoring my pain? THIS is how I hope to help...by being brutally honest about the sting that death brings. It's not neat. It's not pretty. It hurts.

And so....life happens. Another milestone passes. I grow older. I attempt to celebrate another year. Without her. It's almost as if I'm chasing her memory, and I hate that. I hate calling her a memory, because she WAS. She is...

Some days, when the tears pour and I can't stop them, I just wish I could take a magic pill that helps me not hurt so much. I know no such pill exists....but there are some days that the pain cuts so deep, so fresh...and I wish I could shut off a magic switch--today is one of those days.

The other night we watched The Last Airbender with the Babylove. There was one part I can't get out of my head. The Last Airbender, a little boy named Aang, is pushing aside the grief of losing his loved ones so he can focus on battling the enemy. He wants to ignore his own pain so he can win against the ones who are heartlessly causing war.

But it won't work.

He is told that unless he lets himself fully grieve, and feel, he will NOT be able to win the battle. It is ONLY through grieving that he can help the people he's fighting for.

That is my hope. That somehow, somewhere, this very real pain that I carry around every. single. day. can give somebody the ability to be honest and real with their pain, whatever it is. Because let me just say this; I would much rather feel the empty sting of missing my Momma than have no feelings at all about her existence.

Without her and my Daddy, I wouldn't be here. My son wouldn't be here. My sister and her kids wouldn't be here. She is my Momma. And I miss her. And even three years later, I am grappling with her being gone. I will always want her, and miss her. Nobody can fill that emptiness. But I DO feel the emptiness, as well as others who love her.

I will be relishing in His words that I am blessed simply because I mourn. I will keep living, and keep hoping. And I will keep writing in the hopes that my pain and loss, which many of you dear people have felt in your own lives as well.....will help you grieve....or maybe help you be there for someone who needs you.

We were created to feel.
Think about that.
Think about the complete opposite of feeling, loving, mourning.....it's nowhere near how we were fashioned.
The opposite would be unemotional, unloving, unfeeling individuals who just went through the days never experiencing love.

That's chilling....because I can actually see how I could have ended up there, had I never dealt with reality.

We were created to love. With love comes grief.
It's something we can't ignore, and I believe with all my heart when we ignore our grief, or other's grief, we ignore Him.

Comforting one another is a very real way to spread the Good News.....

An Everyday Nightmare.

2010-12-08T08:25:00.001-08:00

Grief is messy.

Try as I may, I can’t describe it fully. I cannot put into words the gaping, bleeding hole that rips through me daily as I mourn her. If you were to ask me to describe it in one word, it would be impossible…..though “nightmare” is the first that comes to mind. The same nightmare every. single. day.

Grief is heavy.

We can’t carry it alone, nor were we ever supposed to. How could one ever be able to bear alone the deep sorrow and sadness that accompanies losing somebody that was a part of them? If it is true that love never fails (which I believe it is) then it won’t fail now, even after death.

Grief is cyclical.

It is always here, staring me in the face. Greeting me in the morning, reminding me of this present reality. Staring at me in the mirror as I hold back more tears, wishing I could just call and hear her tell me, “Everything will be okay, I’m here…”…It is here in the winter, the spring, summer, and autumn. And some days, it’s so heavy that the tears just flow, regardless of how hard I try to contain them.

Grief can’t be contained.

There is not a word to describe what we feel for those who are closest to us. Our “cups runneth over”. It is the same with grief…we can’t pretty it up and tuck it away. It is carried within us, echoing the love that was/is shared between ourselves and the missing ones we long for.

Grief is real.

Regardless of how hard we try to ignore our hurts, they will still be there. Have you ever seen somebody cry about their departed loved one? Did it seem fake to you? OF COURSE NOT! It is such a real thing….that we don’t know what to do sometimes. We don’t know how to react. We don’t know what to say, but we do know it hurts. It hurts like hell. That is, maybe, the best way to describe it. Every year, from December 4th to December 14th, I am visited by the reminder of walking through hell…and it does not hurt any less.

And how could it?? Time heals all wounds? REALLY? Then why do we still grieve over a Saviour who was crucified years and years ago? Why do we still hurt? Time may heal some wounds, true, but I hope I never see the day on this side of Heaven when we wake up and say, “You know, I am totally healed of grieving my loved one!”….there is only one Day that will end my grieving heart regarding my Momma…..

I’ve been told that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Let me tell you, I have tried to tuck it away. I cannot. For some reason, try as I may, it stays there. My writing about grief has been more than an outlet for me to trudge through the days without her. My hope is that it brings comfort to somebody, anybody else, if even for a moment……because the scariest thing in the world is to live through this nightmare called Grief alone.

Love is a mystery. If that statement is true, then so is grief. Many who study this very subject discover how difficult it is to define, and how endless it is. It’s limitless. Yet I press on, living through each moment….sometimes minute by minute….and I relish in the comfort I get from Him and His children.
I write for you who are hurting, in the hopes of letting you know that you are not alone.

Grief runs deep.
Grief is raw.
Grief can be a sweet reminder of happy moments.
Grief is always fresh when we think of the missing ones.
Grief can bring tears, laughs, anger, hurt, resentment, bitterness, hatred, screams, sighs…..

Grief just “is”.

In my tears, in my hurting, in my missing Her…….I can’t help but think of the others I know who are hurting. I can’t help but hurt with and for them. I can’t help but share my story with them, so I can somehow, in my small corner of the world, whisper, “Me, too”…….

“For if we have never loved,
Our hearts would never break.”

Untitled Lament.

2010-11-29T18:43:00.000-08:00

I’ve seen many eyes roll,
And many shake their heads
When I speak of my grief,
How my Mother is dead.

And I STILL have a hard time
Putting those words together-
Because in my mind,
Her days would end never.

Some have said to be strong,
Don’t talk about it, don’t cry.
And all the while I’ve wondered
A great big, fat WHY?!?!?!

Why would I not talk,
Why would I not feel?
As if I ignored it, the pain
Would be less real???

And if I stopped my grieving,
It would bring her back again?
If I just shut my mouth,
The hurting would end?

If I just didn’t mention
The heartache and sorrow,
If I just didn’t cry,
She’d come back tomorrow?

Grief was meant to be carried.
By one another, and shared.
When we don’t help each other,
We all wind up scared.

Our hearts become hardened
By our unfeeling souls…
And instead of being warm,
We’re known for being cold.

If you know someone hurting,
Let them know they’re not alone,
And that you’ll help carry their burden,
Though their loved one is gone.

I’ve had a handful of people
Who’ve carried my grief with me,
And I can’t put into words
How it’s affected me deeply.

Though you may call this grief a weakness,
HE still calls it strength,
For if we have never loved,
Our hearts would never break.

Jessica Nicole Schafer
11-30-10

Holiday Ponderings.

2010-11-21T13:55:00.000-08:00

I haven’t been able to sleep well in…honestly….going on three years.

Since December 4th, 2007, to be exact.

It amazes me how I STILL put these expectations on myself regarding grieving Her. “I shouldn’t be so sad”….”I shouldn’t have such a hard time during Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries…”…”My lows shouldn’t be so ‘low’”….”I should be able to think about Her without missing her so much that my heart breaks all over again”….

Why do I do that? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a combination of what other people have told me through the years, and maybe it’s a little bit of myself, too. Either way, let me tell you, I’d never wish this sort of grief on my worst enemy.

I think about what we’d be doing right around now. We’d be planning on what to bring for our family’s Thanksgiving get together. I’d be talking with her about Dylan’s Christmas wishes. We’d be talking about Carmen’s kid’s Christmas wishes.

I’ve written before about the red coat she got for me that last Christmas. I’ve still not worn it. For some reason, I can’t. It hangs with the tag still on it.

I still lie awake around 2:00 a.m. wishing I could just talk to her. Even for a few minutes. I miss her laugh. I miss hugging her. I miss the way she’d always wink at me…..ohmygoodness that made me feel so special.

I still go to my phone to call her when anything cute, sad, hilarious, or crucial happens throughout my day. I want to text her again. I want…..I want….I want…….

It’s been three years next month. Let me tell you, time heals ABSOLUTELY NO WOUNDS.

I guess for me, the biggest thing I’ve learned about grieving is that it doesn’t end. How could it? How could I ever get over the absence of my Momma….the one that birthed me, the very one that put in me a desire to be a wife and Momma…the one my heart breaks for every. single. Moment?

Grief doesn’t end. I grieve, but not without hope.

I’ve not had a Christmas wish list since she’s been gone. She always used to tell me, “I don’t want a thing! As long as I have my family, that’s all I want!!”

That’s been my wish every day. Every Christmas. Every Birthday since she’s been gone. Only now, I TRULY know what she meant when she said that.

Happy Thanksgiving, Momma.
We miss you with words that can’t be explained. You left a huge absence that is filled with love, laughter, grief, and longing.

A New Day Will Come

2010-11-15T17:10:00.000-08:00

A new day will dawn at
a moment's notice-
The hurt you've been handed
will all disappear.
A new time will come
when justice is upon us,
Where you'll live
in freedom, not fear.

Those tears you've been crying
in private,
Will be answered for,
and you will see...
That the hell you've endured
on this side of Heaven
will have nothing
on eternity.

All the times you chose love
instead of hate-
Even when hate is all
some of them ever gave...
Will be rewarded,
and you will have hope again,
What they've done will be
buried deep in the grave.

All the times you didn't
understand why
Life kept handing
you disappointment and despair...
Will be replaced with new
indescribable life,
More than you'd ever be
able to share.

Keep on forgiving instead
of hating,
though they know exactly
what they do...
Keep showing grace in
place of the hate
that is continuously handed
to you.

Keep right on giving with
all you are even though
others choose not
to live that way...
Keep loving and trusting,
be faithful and pure,
even when hope seems
so far away.

Keep your heart fully
in the long journey,
For one day we will all
be set free-
To that place where
there is no hurting or fear...
And hatred and death are
nowhere to be seen.

J.N.S. October 27th, 2009

Can't Find the Words.

2010-11-04T18:09:00.000-07:00

I would like to say, "I love you!"-
But that won't really do.
I can't seem to find language rich enough
To describe what I feel for you.

I've seen the sickness of innocence shattered,
I've felt the loss of death's cold door.
I've been without a place of my own,
I've been broken, depressed, and poor.

I've stared my best friend in the face
as she laid there taking her last breath
I've held the hands of the maternal
As she crossed over to another land.

I've felt hurt from close friends
Who've betrayed and turned away,
I've seen loved ones scar you deeply
So much more than words can say.

I've felt life inside my womb,
The beating heart of a fragile child.
I've seen his spirit so full of life,
One that is hopeful, free, and wild.

I remember saying our vows,
Through cracked voice and eyes full of tears.
I remember the feeling of knowing
We would have each other through all fear.

I look back and don't see how I
Would have made it through some days.
You being here and loving me
Has kept so much more hurt away.

You've always been so loving,
Always faithful, comforting, true-
Never because you felt it a duty,
Simply because you have wanted to.

Each time life takes another twist,
And brings another change our way,
I'll hold onto you, my husband...
The love we share will grow each day.

So, "I love you, you're the greatest,
My soul lights up when you are near!"-
Those words don't come close to describe
The love I have in here!!!

Jessica Nicole Schafer
October 2010

Momma-part two

2010-10-21T10:30:00.001-07:00

This is the second part of what a dear friend asked me to do, which is write about my Momma, and my relationship with her. Thanks for reading.

One of the most bittersweet things to realize is that I still HAVE a relationship with her. Though she is now gone...the mother/daughter bond remains. Ahhhh...the circles we motherless daughters run in. Though she is here.....she is gone.....it's a neverending, heartbreaking circle in this life without them. Not to mention the fact that those sweet women who didn't have a great relationship with their mothers, or may not have even known their mothers....still yearn for that relationship. I could write about this for days. I'll save that for another time, though.

As I mentioned, the ties are still here. And the way she Mothered me still affects me every. single. day. It has made ALL TOO REAL to me the BIG job of being a Momma. It is an everlasting bond.

My Momma had a job outside of the home. She mentioned to me many times that though she DID enjoy working, she wished she could have stayed home with us. I think for me, that is why I have chosen to do what I do. I don't get a paycheck every two weeks. I'm not on salary. However....you couldn't pay me enough to stop doing what I do. So in an ironic way.....her working outside the home, which was what worked for my Momma and Daddy.....had a huge factor in my choosing what I do.

Another thing that has affected my whole family's life thanks to Momma was the way she encouraged me...as I've mentioned before. When we were pregnant with our sweet Babylove, I mentioned homeschooling. I was scared to talk about it with many people, because so many people have STRONG opinions. I talked to her about it, and the first thing she did was talk about how she knew I could do it if that's what we decided to do. Immediately I felt that familiar "you can do anything" feeling that she always instilled in me. I love thinking about that. I know our decision also affected several of our friends, giving them hope in homeschooling their children. To this day, our lil' boy is thriving in our little school. I really believe my Momma's encouragement has a huge part to play in giving me the hope of knowing our family can do this.

If I may, I'm going to back up a bit to when my amazing husband and I were dating. Momma and Daddy both instantly loved him...and my sister did, too. (He was called "Uncle Darryl" way before he was actually an Uncle.) :) Both Momma and Daddy encouraged our relationship, and thought VERY highly of Darryl. It really is a good feeling when one's parents love the person they're dating. It speaks volumes, actually. Parents always want what is best for their children....so it did my heart good. I never had a reason to call my Momma and complain to her about my husband....because he's never given me a reason to do so. Needless to say, losing her had a huge impact on Darryl. I can't speak for him, but I know part of the reason he's been able to carry my grief with me is due to the grief he, himself has carried.

Another thing about my Momma that my sister can agree with is the love she had for her grandchildren. I could write for days on that. She just thought the world of them. And Dylan was C R A Z Y about her. He would literally double over with laughter, squeezing his fists together whenever we got to see her, and say "It's NANA!!!!!!!"....and laugh like crazy after he said it. :) She had that affect on people....and I miss that.

There is an unspoken language for motherless daughters.....we are often very hard on ourselves, wondering if we're doing things "right". We are often lonely. We are often angry. The smallest thing can trigger our longing to have our Mommas back. When I see little ones Dylan's age out with their grandmas, when I hear a child say, "Nana!".....when Dylan tells me he misses her....it is the worst feeling ever. It is an ache that I would never wish on the cruelest person. I remember the look in Momma's eyes when she talked about my Grandma after she was gone. It was a look that I didn't understand until December 2007. Seeing my Momma miss her own Momma after she lost her helped me know it is okay to show how much I miss her. It is indeed a wound time will never heal, counseling will never fix, and no amount of tears will be able to cover. It is definitely a grief I know I will always carry. Until all is made new.

The one thing I've been thinking about so much over the past year is that I can't replace my Momma. As much as I'd love to find somebody to Mother me.....there is nobody else. Let me be clear....there are many who I know love me, and I know who they are! But there is not, nor will there ever be another Momma. She is gone for now. One day, I will get to have her back....and she will get to have us back.

Until then, I will learn to live with this HUGE VOID that can only be filled with her.

**Thank you again for asking me to write this. You know who you are.**

My Momma (Part One)

2010-10-21T09:20:00.000-07:00

At the risk of diving into what will certainly pull out many feelings (good ones, that is....just emotional) I was asked by someone I love VERY much to write a post about my Momma. To write about the things that I love about her, our relationship, etc.

Keeping in mind that a person's writings are only a SMALL glimpse into what is in their mind/heart.....one would never be able to put onto paper all the things they know/feel about another person. (This fact fascinates me.....because the Bible is only PARTS of what we know. It isn't exhaustive. That definitely CHANGED the way I read the Bible.) Just wanted to put a little disclaimer....this is only small parts of the wonderful life experiences shared with my Momma. From my point of view. Enjoy.

She was always encouraging to me. I can't remember how many times I heard, "You can be whatever you want to be"....and things like that. She supported me. I always knew she was "in my corner". I remember having a BAD experience with an ex-boyfriend and knowing she was just as upset as I was made me realize my feelings DID matter. (This fascinates me, because so many times we try to downplay other people's feelings, thinking it'll make what they feel go away...and in reality it will only deaden others as well as ourselves....but that's a whole other subject...) She let me cry when I needed to. Even in my teenage years, when I knew she didn't understand what I was going through....you know, because she'd never been a teenager herself. ;) How my heart aches when I think of the times she was carrying my hurts with me....and I didn't even know it. And now, as a Momma myself, I've realized we hurt even more than our child does during any sort of pain they have....physical or not.

Looking back, now that I think about it, she always encouraged me to be ME. I never felt her pushing me in any certain direction, she supported my decisions, and wanted me to know who I was as an individual. Even when I was becoming an "adult" and I BEGGED her to make my decisions for me....she wouldn't. She would listen, talk about things with me, but she always made it clear that in the end, I needed to be the one making the decision, whatever it was. That mere fact has helped me so much....everyday. It stretched me, and helped mold me into a wife, Momma, and every other hat that I wear. Thank you, Momma.

I also idolized my big sister. (And still do, of course. Hi, sister.) Everything she did, I wanted to do....and I ended up following in most of her footsteps. She never compared us though, she always loved(s) us both so much.

My Momma always made me feel beautiful. I have always struggled with self-image. In my head, I am the MOST unattractive girl EVER created. She always told me I was beautiful, though. I remember picking up magazines with beautiful models on them. Salma Hayek is my idol. I remember her being on the cover of one I was reading....and I said, "Momma, LOOK at her. Is she not the MOST beautiful woman you've ever seen!!??!?!" She responded, "Not at all, I think MY girls are the MOST BEAUTIFUL!!" And you know what? I know she meant it. She wasn't trying to make me feel good, she believed that with all her heart. The way SHE saw me, though I still disagree, helped me know how loved I was, and how adored I was. The fact that SHE believed in me helped me believe in myself tremendously....and that still has a hand in who I am today, and how I mother our sweet son.

There's so much more, I think I will need to split this piece into two parts.

I realize there is a part of people who will try to make their loved ones look like Saints. This is normal. However, I want to be clear that when I do write about Her, it's reality. Yes, I fought with my Momma. Mainly when I was in high school. I rebelled in a big way. Though at times I wish I could change those few years....it was a part of our relationship. Seeing both my Momma and Daddy embrace me even when I made FOOLISH decisions that hurt me.....the way they always loved and always had open arms....THAT echoes the Gospel to me, and STILL does.

In a very odd, ironic, bittersweet way......my Momma's believing in me has helped me know how to grieve through her absence.

I've never thought about that until this very moment.......

Thank you friend, for asking me to post this. It helped me so much. I hope it encouraged you, too.

Second part to come.

I'm Trying.

2010-10-12T17:10:00.001-07:00

My Momma's untimely, unexpected, tragic death.

Loved ones ripping my husband apart....and causing more damage than they'll ever know.

Countless friends enduring pain in their marriages.

Heard "no" too many times over the past two years to even count. Whether it be from people, or from God....the "no's" have been winning.

Watching loved ones struggle through various trials.

Being hurt deeply by those I called "friend".

Still looking for a place to belong.

One may say, looking over the past couple of years that I'm strong. That I've "hung in there, endured, kept the faith".....I beg to differ.

The truth is, I'm weak.

I can't do this alone.

If it weren't for my amazing husband, son, sister, Daddy, and amazing friends who've been by my side through the past "desert season" I've been in....I'm not quite sure I'd still be standing.

And Him. Of course. I have gone 'round and 'round with Him for so long....I have asked question after question. I have yelled at Him, cried desperately to Him, brought the pieces of my broken heart to Him time after time over the past thirty months.

And I know He's okay with that. He loves me...oh how He loves me.

But I have to admit...I get scared to death when I think about some things.

And here's the kicker; I don't get scared because of what MIGHT happen.......I get scared because of what has ALREADY HAPPENED.

Yeah, go figure.

One would think that after going through Hell in more ways than one, due to circumstances beyond our control, and finally being in (what looks like) the other side, that now I'd be oh so full of hope, happiness, joy.

I'm not. I can't explain it. I think it's because starting from December 4th, 2007...SO MANY of my worst fears have happened. Those close to our family know what I'm speaking of. And every. single. time I've thought good news was headed our way...we've been handed even worse news. It seems like the only light at the end of the tunnel has been a dream...one that won't be coming true.

Today, I'm just at a loss. Yes, I have faith....of course. I recognize the fact that faith is more than just "I believe"....it's "I will keep pushing through the murky, lifeless water in spite of it drowning me"....I know that. I now recognize that faith is so much more than what we think it is. It has taken my husband and other loved ones to remind me of that.

There is potential good news on our horizon. So many good things could happen, and very soon.

But still, I have been finding it hard to hope....can you blame me?? Everytime I've held out hope recently, it's been for naught.

I am trying, Lord help me, I am. I am trying to believe that He will be bringing my family to a place of healing, restoration, new life, and answered prayers.

Until then, I will still be holding my breath.

I saw this the other day, and it's stuck with me. For me, it's HUGE. Because if you've EVER been in a prolonged place of heartache, sorrow, grief.......simply getting out of bed in the morning takes every piece of strength one can muster. Simply moving on through the days is a triumph...when one could so easily shut down...

I am proud of that. I am proud of myself for getting through all of this. I just hope with all of myself that I won't have to be "getting through this" much longer.

And you, thanks for reading. Writing brings such healing to me. Maybe it's "getting it all out".....or maybe it's knowing there are people out there who care. Either way, thank you.

There will be a HUGE sign posted in our new home one day that reads:

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. Psalm 126:5-6"

Amen.

Until then, I will still be trying to keep hope.

Breathe Again.

2010-10-08T13:43:00.000-07:00

In a couple of moons, I will be turning thirty. 30.
My life is nothing that I thought it would be at this age. It's a milestone, yes. For me, it's so much more than that.
It has opened up some fresh wounds and heavy sorrows that I've been carrying around for many months now.

In so many ways, I still feel like a little girl. And yes, I'm sure to many people, including my Daddy and sister, I still am. ;)

I still crave hearing my Momma tell me what a great job I'm doing being me....I know nothing will ever replace hearing her tell me she's proud of who I am.

When The Deep Sadness happened, I was still a new mother. My lil' Babylove had just turned three years old. I was still learning so much....had so many questions about Motherhood, and still do. HOW I needed her....and still do.

I think if maybe all the hellish circumstances my husband and I had faced in the past two years had happened at a different time, I would have been much stronger. But that, which I'd never wish on any person, coupled with losing Her, has just left me unbearably heartbroken.

So here I go, I've been holding my breath for quite sometime now. I've been carrying around sorrows that have happened to my family regarding my Momma, people who've hurt us deeply, and effected our very livelihood...and so much more that I won't bore you with.

*DEEP BREATH*

So, Hello thirty.

I hope that you will be kind to me. I hope I can keep hoping...because this despair that's been upon my family and beyond our control has taken a lot of light out of my eyes. I hope that you bring new life, in more ways than one.

I hope, that for once in a long time, God will reach down, pull me out of this murky, lifeless water....wrap His arms around my family and myself, and let me breathe again.

Happy 30, me.
I hope you're proud of me, Momma. Actually, I know that you are.....it just hurts not being able to hear it.

A birth story.

2010-09-24T12:39:00.001-07:00

I don't think I've really ever shared my Babylove's birth story. Here goes.

My husband and I were VERY pleasantly surprised to learn we were pregnant when we'd been married for eight months. We were seven weeks along. The SECOND we found out, we were OVERjoyed, and of course, I called Momma and Daddy first. You couldn't take the smiles off of our faces. We weren't "planning" (ha,ha) a pregnancy, but so happy with the news.

A few days later I was rushed to the ER due to bleeding. I had no idea what was happening, everything happened so quickly. We saw my doctor, heard all sorts of things, ran all sorts of tests. When we were home that night it hit me when I realized what the doctor meant when he said, "You're only seven weeks along, all you can do is relax and hope for the best".... They thought we were going to lose the baby.

We were scared out of our minds. Within a week we went from extreme joy to extreme fear. So, we waited. And prayed. And I did a lot of crying.

What made things scarier was that two very dear friends of mine would suffer miscarriages around this time. Our hearts were so heavy for them, and we tried to make our way through the very long days.

After a period of time, things seemed to look better for our pregnancy. Though we would sit on pins and needles until this new life were out of the womb, his little life grew and grew. I went through all sorts of feelings of guilt after what our friends went through, fear of wondering if we'd carry him full-term, and you can imagine the things that went through our minds and hearts.

Our son thrived.
He grew and grew and well.....grew so much that they decided at one check-up to do a c-section because he grew TOO MUCH. :) He was due near my birthday, but they took him two weeks early, the day after my sister's birthday. (Keep in mind I'm 5'1", Darryl's 6'7"....a dear friend compared it to a chihuahua having a doberman's puppy...)

An added joy was that my Momma and Daddy happened to be visiting the weekend they decided to do the c-section. I am so thankful they were here.....

Dylan James Schafer entered the world at about 12:45p.m. September 28th, 2004.

The world has been much brighter since.

He has brought so much joy to our hearts, laughter to our mouths, and hope to our spirits. He is a miracle. I am fully convinced he is one piece of Heaven we see daily....especially considering what our family has endured over the past two and a half years.

He is wonderful. I can't describe just how wonderful. As I've said before, some things are just too wonderful for words....my husband, my son....they are some of those "things".

We celebrate you, Dylan James Schafer. You are wonderful. You are so bright, and full of joy. You are brilliant, and you have a heart full of compassion and mercy. You laugh a lot, and it is your laughter that lights up my heart.

What joy it is to watch my son grow, love, and get to know the God who gives life.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OUR SWEET SON!

Grieve Freely.

2010-09-21T16:37:00.000-07:00

Over the past two and a half years, I've written so much about grief. Quite honestly, in the beginning, it was the only safe place for me-aside from only a few dear people in my life. They know who they are. I've written before on the GREAT need for us to learn to comfort others....and I am a firm believer that we have to face our own issues, embrace our own hurts, or we will end up squelching ourselves, AND others if we refuse to do so. That has been a big part of my experience. I've heard it all. I've been belittled for expressing my grief. I've been told to "get over it". I've been told it's not that "big of a deal". I've been told to "put a smile on my face and move on". I've been told that maybe if I change my perspective,it wouldn't be so hard. I've heard loved ones being told things things just as hurtful, as well. As you sit there reading, I'm almost positive your hurts have been squelched before, and I apologize for that. There is R O O M for grace. Those hurtful, heartless, selfish things we've all heard before by people who DO know better, they are forgiven. I choose to extend the same grace everyday that is extended to myself by Him. How could I not? He freely gives it....even to those who we think don't "deserve" it. So that same grace is given even to those who have scarred my already broken heart.

However.......

I think often in life, some evils need to be called out before they will ever be acknowledged and then changed. This is how I feel about our lack to grieve for ourselves and one another. I will never stop writing, talking, crying about my own grief.

My Momma is dead.

She is gone.

She should still be here.

There is no explanation for this.

There is no quick-fix band-aid answer that will explain it all away. I cannot enroll in a twelve step program, because I don't have an addiction. This happened to our family. It is a burden placed on us, and I will forever grapple with the effects, as will my Daddy, sister, and all my Momma's family and friends who miss her. So though I have spent many months feeling guilty for simply grieving, those days are gone. I will give full vent to what has been placed in my life. To ignore it would be to ignore God, to ignore the reality He, Himself has placed us in.

I will write, feel, grieve, hurt, love, heal.....for myself, for my family and friends, for other motherless daughters, for any hurting hearts out there who feel alone. Those precious people are the reason I do this.

Maybe you are one of those who has experienced the brutal, dark, calloused remarks of others......maybe you have been one to give those remarks. Sweet child of the Most High....He never intended us to live as robots. He gave us this life, and often it is full of hurt.....His OWN life was full of heartache. Don't ever fool yourself into believing that turning off your emotions is trusting Him more.......when we do that, we lie to ourselves, others, and Him.

For over two and a half years, I have tried to put into words the way I've been made to feel.......and I finally realized it days ago. The picture below came to mind. It is hard to look at, it was even harder to draw. It has been my reality. Let me also mention, this picture is for you.....I hope you see the great fallacy in it, the hurt in it, the hatred in it......so you can move on, and freely grieve, as I have. I guess this is my way of giving you "permission" to grieve freely.

For I truly believe we are MOST like Him when we are MOST HUMAN.......embracing humanity is embracing Him.

You are loved, you who are hurting and grieving for whatever reason.....you are not alone. I will use my days to honour you, to lift you up, and I will not be ashamed of grief any longer.....I hope the same for you.

Can't find the words.

2010-09-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

Invitation.

2010-08-31T16:35:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with one of my favorite people today. I’d call her one of my best friends, and that’s true enough, but really, it’s SO much more than that. There are only a couple of gals I feel close enough to share my very soul with, and she is one of them. She said something that really stuck in my head. We were talking about an upcoming party, and she said, “I think sometimes people just need to know they’re invited, and they’ll show up…”

Interesting. It immediately made me think of all the impressions I’ve been given by those calling themselves followers of Him. It also made me think of the times I’ve been judgmental, myself.

So, Body of Christ, are you “inviting” or excluding others to His table?

When we tear one another down, for whatever reason we try to justify doing so, are we inviting them?

When we tell someone they are not “believing” right, (which always means they’re not believing like us…) is that inviting or excluding others?

When we tell someone they are not affiliated with the “correct” political party, (even though the world is much bigger than America…..) are we inviting or excluding people?

What about when someone hates us, and we hate them back in return…….inviting?

What if we exclude somebody for how they dress....is this inviting?

When we exclude someone from His church because of where they live……inviting?

But what if they just don’t “get it”….they keep sinning over and over and over again…..shouldn’t we cast them aside?

What if their skin isn’t the right color?

What if they hurt us? In ways that are irreconcilable? Shouldn’t they be disinvited?

What if they aren’t American? What if they’re a terrorist? Surely they’re not invited to His table, right??

What if they’re too “liberal” or the opposite, too “conservative”? (These terms always crack me up….nobody can truly define them. It’s different for each person.)

What if they are homeless…or the direct opposite, they own too many homes?

What if they’re homosexual?

What if they are immigrants???

What if they don’t speak English, the “chosen” language??

Is anybody picking up on the sarcasm??

How DARE we, for any reason, have the audacity to exclude any person from His OPEN invitation?????!!!!!?!?!?

Church, we have to stop the hatred. We SAY “love one another”…but we do NOT, as a whole, live this way. Don’t believe me? Read the news. Or better yet, talk to somebody who isn’t part of a church, and they’ll tell you. There is a reason we are known more for what we hate rather than His life-giving, comforting, encouraging, L O V E.

His invitation, regardless of what anybody says, is for everyone. E V E R Y O N E.

If they have breath, if they are human, He invites them.

But the question is…….are WE inviting them?? Because we aren’t required to “get it all together” and THEN come to His table. We are to simply come. Dear reader, there is always hope. We can change this. It all starts with one word: L O V E.

So, are you known for excluding those who are made in His very image?

Or are you known for sending out an invitation to the table that He, Himself, has set?

L O V E

2010-08-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Fear,

When I was a little girl, I used to be so afraid of what might happen to my Momma and Daddy. I don’t know where these thoughts came from. I would pray night after night that God would protect them and keep them here with me, letting them have healthy and long lives.

Then the unthinkable happened. I was Momma to my sweet little three year old boy, still waiting to have more children, still needing my own Momma for so many things. Still hoping she’d be here throughout the births of my other children, still looking forward to talking on the phone with her everyday since I didn’t live near her. And just like that, my worst fear happened. Her life was tragically ended. I will forever grieve that amazing woman…but I know this is not the last word…for in Him I have the hope of being reunited; because of L O V E.

I was forever afraid that I would end up with a husband who did not treat me well. I don’t know where this came from, either. I just didn’t believe I was worth much, I guess. Then God gave to me the most amazing gift ever, my husband. He has forever been loving, faithful, encouraging, and a shining example of what God’s love is to me. Our marriage has been the bright spot through this season of darkness; because of L O V E.

I have watched people I thought were our friends tear us down in their judgmental ways. I have been abused by the very ones I loved. BUT I have been blessed to find out what true love is in the midst. I have realized in an even bigger way that I hurt for these people who have treated my family miserably. They need help. They need to understand His love before they are able to give it. I hope one day they realize that, and reach out a hand to the God who is Love. They are forgiven; because of L O V E.

After going through so many hurtful things over the past two and a half years, especially since last summer, I was so scared my family would still be searching for community and a place of our own. Here we are, still searching. We stand here hurting, wounded, often alone, wondering what will happen in the future. Yet, we are still pressing on; because of L O V E.

Guess what, Fear???

We ARE still standing.

We have survived my biggest fears…and lived to tell about it. I have survived the deepest wounds, and I press on.

Though I carry the scars to prove the battles I have endured, that is all they are…..BATTLES.

You will not win. You never have. You have already been defeated in the mere fact that I am sharing my story. My victory is in Him. Though He could have changed many things, He is still the One who holds my family. Though you still whisper falsities into my ears….EVEN through His very children sometimes, I know you are full of lies. For even through the heartache, despair, loneliness, and hopelessness…….L O V E has already won, and L O V E will prevail.

Signed,

A loved one.

"We, the Faithful"

2010-08-04T14:18:00.000-07:00

We have the answers. We are the faithful ones.

We won’t allow any outsiders. We already have it “right”.

We know those who are living in poverty are there because they deserve it.

We know those who don’t have blessings are just being taught a lesson.

We know the ones hurting are not as blessed as we are, so we hope they change into our way of thinking.

We know we are the privileged ones.

We know we are entitled to every blessing because we have earned them.

We don’t need someone coming to change things. Different is NOT welcome.

We insist you do things our way, for there IS NO OTHER correct way.

We know the secrets, and will remain faithful to what we know to be right.

We will not listen to this man who claims to be the Messiah.

He is too close to those who are accursed. He loves the very ones we hate.

We will indeed win and crucify him for his blasphemy.

We will flex our muscle and show everyone who’s in charge.

We will show everyone that POWER is what brings about truth.

Sound familiar?

In their very hard-heartedness, in their judgmental ways, self-righteous minds, they missed the very One who came to them out of love. What they didn’t know was that in submitting His very life to the powers that were, their crucifying Him only fulfilled His grander plan. And they didn’t even realize He was also doing it for even them….the very ones who hated Him.

Church, we have to stop living this way. Look around. We are known more for being affiliated with a certain political party, for hating any sort of outsider, whether they are a different color, religion, race, denomination, or heaven forbid a foreigner tries to come in our midst. If another doesn’t “believe” the way we do, vote the way we do, we deem them an outsider who just doesn’t “get it”.

We are known in a big way for hatred. For trying to claim power. For silencing anything that doesn’t sound like “us”.

BUT….there is GOOD NEWS. We can change this. Let’s remember that as long as we have breath, there IS hope.

Let’s have a hand in beautifying what is broken….instead of killing what is already bleeding.

Today.

2010-07-31T13:45:00.000-07:00

If you know our story, which is pretty much a story of sorrow, closed doors, and hurting…..then you can appreciate more than anything what I’m about to say.

I feel encouraged today. I can’t say it will last….I don’t even know what the next ten minutes will bring, much less the next ten months. But I will say this….my family has gone from one form of a desert to another. And there have been many reasons to stop. When serving a church affects you emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, and even financially….you just may have every reason to give up. When you give your life over to serve a church that in return does not treat you so well…..you are probably even justified in quitting. I have talked so much about the story of Job. I can identify with it. (NO….my story is not the same as his…none of our stories in this life line up, but there are definitely similarities and we can learn from one another both then, and now.) I’ve learned through the story of Jesus and Job that very unjust things will happen in this life. I’ve learned that those who say they love Him will often be the very ones that hurt one another the deepest. I’ve learned that the crying I’ve done almost every night for the past three years has not been done alone. I’ve been comforted in this deep sorrow, though NOTHING around our lives has changed…..I’ve been comforted by Him, my husband, my son, my sister, and many close friends who know very well who they are.

I’ve also been reminded that God believed in Job. That’s one of the biggest themes of that story. God, Himself, had a big part in the heartbreak…”Have you considered my servant Job?...........Behold, all that he has is in your power, only do not put forth your hand on him.” (Job 1 verses 8 and 12) Throughout the story, we see his friends come in for seven days (which is relatively a long time) BUT…..when they can’t find an answer for Job’s suffering, they immediately start to pin the blame on Job, himself. Trust me, this still happens today. I’m sure many of you have been there. However, through it all, Job cries out….he remains faithful. He remains faithful in JUST THAT: by crying out to God…relentlessly. He remains faithful by simply STILL going to God. He remains faithful by hurting to the fullest. Oftentimes we think if we can just ignore the pain, remain busy, hide the hurt….then we will win out.

That was not the case for Job.

To deny the heartache, sorrow, grief, loneliness, depression, and despair that God, Himself, had a hand in- would undermine the VERY thing God was trying to do. I think one of those things trying to be conveyed in this story is to let everyone, including Job, know that GOD BELIEVED IN JOB. Despite the pure hell Job endured, he felt the pain, the sorrow, for all it was worth…..by doing that very thing—HURTING—he was being faithful. I think another point to this story is that we can NEVER undermine the plot around us. A friend told me recently that she wishes I could find a way to be happy, because it hurts her to see me so sad…and maybe if I could find a way to do that, it would change things around me. She said this out of love, for she knows the hurts my family has endured. I shared with her that I can’t just “grin and bear it”. If I were to ever do that, I believe it would be being unfaithful to WHATEVER IN THE WORLD it is that God is doing in our lives.

I say all that to say this:

I feel encouraged today. Not because anything has changed. Not because all my prayers have been answered. But simply because I am reminded of Job. God believed in him, that he would do the right thing. He did. Throughout the whole story, he hurt, wailed, cried out, begged for God to do something….and he endured through the pain. He never ignored it. He never denied it. Yet he still cried out to God…which I believe with all my heart is another way to worship Him. (Psalms teaches us that.) I have done that very thing. I will still do that very thing. I could give you every reason why I have to give up, and trust me….you may even tell me I’m a fool for pressing on. Some days I have ALMOST told myself that very thing.

But amidst the turmoil, the unwarranted pain, the sorrow, the loss….

God believed in Job.

He believes in my husband and myself.

And guess what?

HE BELIEVES IN YOU.

We are to believe in Him, true.

But let’s never forget He ALSO believes in us…..as individuals, and as His children.

For me, for today, that has made a big difference.

“Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?” Job 2:10

“Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.” Psalm 126:5
**I often quote this verse…it brings me more comfort than I can explain.**

Eyes to See and Ears to Hear

2010-07-21T19:28:00.000-07:00

DEAR CHURCH,

I left you to do My job.

Why isn’t it getting done?

I left you to fight hatred.

Why are you fighting for it instead?

I left you to take care of the poor.

Why are they still suffering from poverty and hunger?

I left you to take care of the widows.

Why are they all still alone?

I left you to care for the orphan.

Why do they still feel unloved?

I left you to love the unlovable.

Why are you hating them?

I left you to embrace the outsider.

Why are they being cast aside?

I left you to encourage.

Why do you discourage?

I left you to do justice for the oppressed.

Why do you judge them instead?

I left you a world to care for.

Why are you destroying it?

I left you to live out My Gospel.

Why do you twist My words for your own personal/political gain?

I left you to usher in My Kingdom.

Why do you choose to usher in your own?

I left you with knowing that the love of money is evil.

Why do you choose to love it more than Me?

I left you to love your enemies.

Why do you rip them apart instead?

I left you to be united.

Why are you divided?

I left you to spread hope.

Why do you spread despair?

I left you to forgive one another.

Why do you harbor bitterness?

I left you to seek wisdom.

Why do you settle for ignorance?

I left you to be faithful to me and one another.

Why do you betray instead?

I left you to be truth for one another.

Why do you spread lies?

I left you my Holy Spirit.

Why do you constantly squelch it?

I left you in knowing that love conquers all.

Why do you hate in your words, actions, and inactions?

I left you to be My hands and feet.

Why are you sitting down?

I left you to be a light.

Why are you known for darkness?

I left you….yet I am still with you. I created you in My image. I still believe you will do the right thing. Go, and do it.

Signed,

A Broken Heart

by: Jessica Nicole Schafer
July 21, 2010

It Ain't Ice Cream

2010-07-19T14:43:00.002-07:00

"Maybe if you just looked at things differently, it would change your life."

"Maybe if you just stopped thinking about all the bad, it wouldn't 'seem' so tough."

Sound familiar?? I've heard many things like this before. Admittedly, there is a kernel of truth here. However, there are times in life when it does nothing but rub salt into the wound. I've been there lately. Ever been there yourself?? I was thinking the other day about how sometimes people don't want to face the truth about the hard, hurtful, sorrowful things that they, themselves are enduring, much less what their loved ones are going through. I'm sure over the course of my life, I've been guilty of this. I hope it's not something I'm still guilty of. I am reminded of Job. And even moreso, of Jesus. "Hey, it's NO BIG DEAL, Jesus!! It's only a CRUCIFIXION!! Change Your perspective, and maybe it'll downplay the hellish circumstances You're in!"....think that would've helped at all?????

WHY do we do this with one another, when He, Himself NEVER did?!?!?!

I think sometimes we do this because seeing someone hurt or suffer for a long time is just too hard to handle. We can't find a reason. So people begin to think like Job's friends..."Well, they must have done something wrong." And we see in Scripture that is not always the case. Sometimes we think the hurt is too hard to face, so we turn away. Derek Webb put it best in one of his songs, "I don't know the suffering of people outside my front door, so I join the oppressors of those I choose to ignore. I'm trading comfort for human life, and that's not just murder, it's suicide...".

When we turn our back on pain, on hurt, on grief, on the oppressed.....I believe we turn our backs on Him.

My point, to put it quite simply, is this;
you can pile whipped cream, sprinkles, and a big ol' cherry on a pile of manure.....but trust me, that won't make it ice cream! It'll still smell and taste of what it truly is.....nothing sweet at all.

I know I've needed reminding of this lately. And by the way, I am indeed thankful for my amazing husband, and our loving family and friends who have and are living out the Gospel to us during this season in the desert...they are great reminders of the comfort that Christ offers.
They "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." -Galatians 6:2-

You who are hurting...you who are aching....you who are torn up on the inside through no fault of your own.....you who are weary....you who are hopeless......you who are poor.....you who are lonely......you who are despairing.........

I have something to tell you.

I am sorry for the times that others have minimalized your pain. Because HE DOES NOT!!!

We serve the God who hurts alongside us, even though He may be able to prevent the pain. We serve a God who cries with us. As I've mentioned before, He even catches our tears. (Psalm 56:8) We serve a God who is FOR the oppressed. I hope that gives you strength....if even for a moment.

And by the way, you are not alone. This 5'1" wife/momma/sister/daughter/friend is right there with you. Sometimes the pain is too much to carry. This is why He is here, and also why He gave us one another. Until my family gets out of the desert, I will do all I know to do, and that is worship Him, serve Him, my family,and His children, remain faithful....and HURT to the fullest. There are sometimes in life when that very thing, HURTING, will somehow bring honour to Him....for whatever reasons He is choosing to allow the pain. Even though we may never fully know...

"So am I alloted months of vanity, and nights of trouble are appointed me. When I lie down I say, 'when shall I arise?' but the night continues, and I am continually tossing until dawn............My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle, and come to an end without hope." *Job 7:3-4 &6*

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation. Selah." Psalm 68:19

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him." Psalm 126:5-6

"I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare my trouble before Him." Psalm 142:2

"For the LORD takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation." Psalm 149:4

"I know that the LORD will maintain the cause of the afflicted and justice for the poor." Psalm 140:12

"How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will you hide Your face from me?" Psalm 13:1

"As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; and you will be comforted in Jerusalem." Isaiah 66:13

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:3-4

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it." I Corinthians 12:26

"For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ." II Corinthians 1:5

"casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." I Peter 5:7

The Power of One.

2010-07-13T14:18:00.000-07:00

You wash the peanut butter crust off of the plates.

You spend hours studying His Word.

You rock a sweet child to sleep.

You write words that affect people for the good.

You clean rears.

You hug someone who is crying for her departed Mother.

You preach sermons that move one’s soul closer to Him.

You feed a hungry person.

You cry tears of hurt for another person’s sorrow.

You put a band-aid on a wounded knee, and kiss it to make it better.

You clean the socks that are drenched in sweat and dirt.

You listen to a friend who has nobody else to listen to her.

You give a home to the homeless.

You hug your Mommy and in doing so kiss her soul.

You pray relentlessly for your friend who is engulfed in grief.

You carry your spouse’s grief and sorrow.

You laugh with your husband.

You teach your child to read.

You remain faithful to your spouse.

You take care of the orphan.

You suffer hardship.

You lift up the downhearted.

You love the unlovable.

You don’t change who you are to appease the masses.

You touch the untouchable.

You love those who persecute you.

You pray God will send you a spouse because you’ve been waiting so long.

You wake up each day and do your best for those you love.

You offer worship from your weary soul.

You wash dirty feet.

You wonder if anyone notices your hard work.

You catch the tears of someone who is hurting.

You hug the hurting rather than judge them.

You fold and put away the laundry for the thousandth time.

You set the table again.

You clear the table yet again.

You wash the crayon marks off of the table.

You sacrifice your wants for other’s needs.

You comfort your brother who is caught up in his sin.

You believe in the midst of hopelessness.

You carry a cross up a lonely hill.

You give of yourself to those who hate you.

You forgive those who never ask for forgiveness.

You get out of bed though you are depressed.

You take another breath through your despair.

You keep waiting and praying….though nothing good has happened.

You study hard and learn subtraction.

You sing a song to your parents and bring a smile to their faces

You feel alone, yet somehow you make it through another day.

You worship in your grief.

You help your Momma with the chores, though you loathe them.

You clean the floors yet again.

You do another load of dirty pots and pans.

You wash the linens again.

You try to make a budget out of a very small income.

You remain a friend to someone who hasn’t been a friend in return.

You don't realize how much you are loved.

You are not alone.

You listen.

You laugh.

You cry.

You ache.

You hurt.

You mourn.

You feel.

You gave Yourself willingly on a tree for a people who despised You.

**Never underestimate the power of one. One person can build up. One person can tear down. One person can hate. One person can love.**

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

SEVEN

2010-06-25T13:39:00.000-07:00

Seven years.

We've had our plans, God's had his. Sometimes, they've lined up, sometimes they haven't.

However, no matter the weather....no matter the happiness...no matter the grief and sorrow life has thrown our way....

Darryl James, I'm happy I've spent these days with you.

You are the ideal husband.
I mean it.
You make me feel beautiful when I haven't showered all day. You make me feel loved when I'm not so loving in return. You make me feel encouraged when I'm down on myself. You comfort me when I'm grieving. You hurt for me when I'm crying. You laugh with me when I'm laughing (even when my laughing hurts your ears...). You hug me when I am not acting very "huggable". You listen to me, even when what I'm saying often seems neverending. You even listen to what I don't say. My Momma adored(s) you. My Daddy thinks the world of you. My sister spoke of us being married even before we thought we'd be dating.

God has used you in my life in much bigger ways than you've ever imagined. You've always loved me with all you are. You've always been faithful to me. You've always thought of me before yourself. You've always lived out the gospel in my life and those around you. Everyone looks up to you. (Get it? haha....I couldn't resist.)

Though I know you're humble and don't like praise, I can't help but share the joy with everyone that you've given me.

Seven is my favorite number. You are my favorite husband. ;) The two of those together is bomb-a-licious.

Since you have loved me wholly, fiercely, tenderly, and fully...I only hope you'll give me the next SEVENTY years to do the same to you, my love.

HAPPY 7th ANNIVERSARY!!!

I will say, "I love you"....however, that doesn't begin to describe the immensity of what I feel for you.

Here's to seventy more...

In the Face of Despair.

2010-06-20T22:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life will beat the daylights out of us. I won't go into details, but the past three years have brought despair, loneliness, and hopelessness to my family's doorstep. Had someone told me years ago the things I would endure, I would simply say, "IMPOSSIBLE!". I would NOT believe it. It's too much to bear. I've seen my husband carry burdens that should not have been placed on him. I've seen my Daddy go through things no man should endure. I have seen many friends close to me live through tragedies that are horrible. I have seen many dark places myself. People have mentioned to me before that seeing the "positive" side of things will make it all better!!! However, sometimes in life, my friends...the positive side is a million miles away. Been there? Please tell me I'm not alone in this thing called life...

For so long I've beat myself up about feeling the way I do. I feel horrible at times for grieving. I feel guilty for hurting. I feel horrible because I've been told to "make lemonade" when life gives me these lemons!! But what about when I'm not getting lemons? What if I'm getting only silence? What if I'm getting darkness?? THEN WHAT?!? I learned such an important message of hope one day recently from a man who has a tendency to see things a little differently than most people. It was as if this message he was preaching to a large group of people was solely intended for my heart. I needed it. It has freed me. It has given me hope.

He said that maybe my faith and hope are stronger than I think. Maybe the mere fact that I still cry out to God shows the depth of my faith and hope in Him....because even through all the sorrow....I STILL choose to cry out to Him, to go to Him, to pray to Him, to hope in Him, that He will change things.

That. Changed. Me.

So I've come to a very big conclusion. I can't look at the despair, sorrow, loneliness, and emptiness surrounding me and NOT see God. I can't look at the hurting ones around me and NOT see God. He is here. I have to believe that...no, I GET to believe that. One of the biggest themes throughout the Bible is HOPE. The story of Irael=hope. The story of Job=hope. The story of Abraham and Sarah=hope. The story of Isaac and Rebekah=hope. The story of Joseph=hope. The story of creation=hope. The story of Noah=hope. The story of Jesus=HOPE.

Pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?

I can't, in any way, look at these stories, my stories, your stories....and NOT see hope. The thing that sticks out to me, though, is that in order to grasp the great hope we have in Him.....we DO need to see the very serious and sorrowful things that happen in our lives. Without the cross there was no Resurrection, right?

So I do. I look around, and I hurt. I wail some moments. I can't even find the words to describe the hurt some days. I wonder what the future holds in so many aspects. I wonder if this life will indeed bring some good news to my family. I bank on the fact that my tears WILL sow a harvest of joyful shouting! (Psalm 126:5)And I do all of this....and STILL hope. Because I believe that is what makes our faith so great. We have the audacity to look around, to see death, poverty, sorrow, and despair, and claim HOPE in the face of it. We GET to do that.

I think Job did it. Even when his "friends" found every reason to tell him he MUST have done something to anger God, he held out hope. He despaired, yet hoped. Through the many days and days and DAYS of hearing NOTHING from God, he still cried out to Him. When he heard nothing but silence, he STILL cried out to Him. He didn't give up that hope of knowing that something had to give eventually.

In Matthew 15, the woman mentioned in verses 21-28 asked for healing persistently, three times before Jesus answered. Perhaps her perseverance had something to do with it??? Maybe.

I guess I just wanted to share this story because isn't that what life is all about....our stories? This is a tiny part of my story.
Hope in the face of despair.
I will still hope.
I can't help but do it, even though many times throughout life I have many reasons to despair....I hope all the more. Easter is always just around the corner.

"Out of the ashes of hopelessness comes the fire of our hope." -Anne Wilson Schaef-

"At the bottom of the well, one can look up and see the sky." -Martha Whitmore Hickman-

"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God hs been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." -Romans 5:3-5-

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33-

"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ;" -I Peter 1:6-7-

P.S. I bet you can probably guess who that man was that helped me cling to hope in the midst of despair.

An End to Grief?

2010-06-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

I've been very open with my grief. Some would say that is foolish...others may be indifferent. I admit I have even felt those feelings. I wonder sometimes if what I share regarding my grief makes a difference.....and lately I've been thinking.

It does make a difference.......for me, at least.

I can't speak for anybody else. I can only tell my own story, and I believe wholeheartedly that healing comes out of sharing life with one another...and part of life IS grief. That is why I share my journey. That is why I think it's important to share my grief. So for you who do read, thank you.

**************************************

Grief is a burden. It is a burden that, as I've mentioned many times, we canNOT carry alone. We need God....we need one another. I am no expert....but I do think I can speak about some things I see that are wrong with how the world handles (or does NOT handle) grief. One big issue I've noticed, while looking through book after book, title after title, is that there is one GREAT assumption we have.....there is this false belief that grief will eventually END.

My response to that is simple:

Does love end?
If grief ends, then what of our faith??
Do we not still grieve at the loss of our Saviour on a tree?

WHY did we ever get to a point of thinking we're "strong enough" to be over grieving the great loves that God has given us? HOW DARE WE discount the relationships that He has blessed us with??!!?!

I am not saying that there is never a time for laughter, joy, happiness after losing a loved one. (Ask my husband and my friends.....I laugh all the time....very loudly, mind you.) But I am saying that this idea that we are not "recovering well" if we still express feelings of grief is SHALLOW. I share these things because if you've ever grieved, I'd be willing to bet that you've been told things that make you feel as if you need to "get over it". (If you haven't, I envy you.)

There is something to be said for wallowing in self-pity. However, I cringe at the thought that I've been told I've been doing the same in grieving my Momma. I am EVER SO THANKFUL for a God who's picked up the pieces of my heart that have been stomped on during my grief. As if grieving the one who birthed me is a sin!! I would never have known His great comforting hand, had I not brought my whole self to Him.....including the grief that will forever weigh heavily upon my heart. I am thankful for those who love deeply enough to go to such a heavy place of grief with me. I only hope I can do the same for others.

I've been thinking about these things, hour after hour, day after day....month after month. I would never be able to live through this, had I not offered myself to Him. Sometimes, it's quite simple to see:

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
**How can we be blessed and comforted if we don't first mourn?**

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
**How can He give us rest if we don't first come to Him?**

"In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried to my God for help; He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry for help before Him came into His ears." Psalm 18:6
**How can He answer if we refuse to cry out in our distress?**

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation. Selah." Psalm 68:19
**How can He bear them if we're trying to carry them on our own?**

"O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and You healed me." Psalm 30:2
**How can healing come if we never cry out?**

"Jesus wept." John 11:35
**If even HE acknowledged hurt and grief, why do we think it's okay for us to ignore them??**

"You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" Psalm 56:8
**How can He catch our tears....if we never cry them?**

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him." *Psalm 126:5-6*
**How can the harvest of joyful shouting happen if we never plant our seeds of tears and grief?**

LORD...
forgive us for ever thinking that hiding our grief will bring us closer to the truth. Forgive us for ever thinking we are right in holding back our grief. Forgive us for holding others back from their own grief. Help us to know there is room for all of us at the cross....our smiles, our tears, our joys, and our fears. Help us be a people that offer up to You our grief, and carry one another's tears with them.

"Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15

The Importance of Tears.

2010-06-03T21:37:00.001-07:00

Many times throughout my life I have cried.
I am a very emotional girl. I used to hate that about myself. I felt out of control, like something was wrong with me. Not only would I cry when I was sad, angry, or mad....but I would cry when I was happy. I still do.
For many reasons, I cry. The difference now is that I see the importance of it...I even see the good in it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about tears. My tears, yours tears. The tears I've shed for family and friends whom I love. The tears shed over life's tragedies. Now, in this part of my life, I am comfortable in my tears.

At this time.
On this hour.
I am thankful for a God who hears my cries.

I am thankful for a God who hurts with me.

I am thankful for a God who carries my burdens.

I am thankful for a God who catches my tears, when I feel so utterly alone in a world full of grief and hurting.

"O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and You healed me." Psalm 30:2

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation. Selah." Psalm 68:19

"You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" Psalm 56:8

Pictures of God Amidst the Pain.

2010-05-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

I have a confession, I used to have all these ideas about God, the pictures I painted of Him were beautiful. They were mighty, strong, He was probably carrying an American flag. He voted a certain way. He shared my beliefs regarding well...everything. He had a very good paying job. He had a savings account. He, though a male in my pictures, looked an awful lot like a mirror of myself.

How my pictures have fallen.

I'll spare you the story of the past three years of my life. A handful of those close to me know the big things. Even then...I'm quite sure nobody aside from God and my husband know everything of the true heartache and sorrow that has gripped my very soul over the past several years. To say I feel as if I've been alone in a desert is an extreme understatement. There are times I look around....at myself, my family, my loved ones...and I have wondered WHERE IS GOD??? Why are they suffering? Why are we suffering?

Ever been there?

If He is God....why won't He step in and do something? (I believe with my whole heart that even today...He does. And I also believe that often He calls His children to step in....and sometimes, they DO!! They BECOME His hands and feet. On the flipside, there are those times they/we choose to do nothing...which echoes out into the world around us.)

I've learned that my pictures of Him are severely wrong because of just that.....they are PICTURES. HE is more than just a picture. More than an idea. More than any doctrine. He is more than a political party. More than a denomination. More than any gender or race. More than age. More than time....more than space. Try as I may, I will never be able to describe Him in His "God-ness". I have learned THAT is the beauty of Him.

I have found comfort and hope in my own grief and suffering. Not in ignoring the pain-absolutely not! Only THROUGH the pain can I recognize my weakness. Through the grief I recognize my limits as a human being. Through the tears I see my neediness.

In my tears, I see Him. I know He is all around...even though the pain lingers.

My pictures are no longer "pictures".....

He is alive. He is here. He is here not only in the beautiful things....but He is here with the brokenhearted. I dare say He MAY be a bit closer to the ones who hurt.

My pictures are now speaking, living, loving...they are animated. And not only that, they are here...amidst the suffering.

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him." *Psalm 126:5-6*

Hope in Falling Apart.

2010-05-13T12:23:00.000-07:00

So much is happening in and around me. I know people hurt for so many reasons...and something I've learned throughout my walk is that putting a happy face on a tragedy WILL NOT fix it. So, this is for those of you hurting...for whatever reason. If you're hurting, grieving, mourning, angry, lonely, feel abandoned...I hope this is encouraging.

I've been thinking about the relevance of tears. There's good in them...so often we try to hide them, and are afraid to cry for ourselves or for one another. I find comfort in reading "Jesus wept". He didn't ignore hurting hearts...neither should we.

HAS THE PAIN OVERWHELMED YOU LATELY?
IS THERE A BIG CLOUD OVER YOUR HEART?
DO THINGS LOOK DARK ALL AROUND,
DO YOU FEEL LIKE FALLING APART?

WHEN YOU AWAKEN EACH NEW DAY
DO YOU JUST NOT WANT TO SMILE?
HAS THE NUMBNESS SET IN WHERE JOY
USED TO BE, DO YOU JUST WANT TO CRY FOR A WHILE?

ARE YOU TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT TRAGEDY?
DOES HAPPINESS SEEM FAR AWAY?
DO YOU JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND SHOUT,
NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO YOU TODAY?

ARE THERE TIMES YOU FEEL ALL ALONE,
THOUGH YOU KNOW THERE ARE MANY AROUND?
DO YOU JUST WANT TO OPEN YOUR WINGS AND FLY,
BUT YOU KNOW YOU’RE STUCK THERE ON THE GROUND?

ARE YOU WEARY FROM FACING SORROW?
AND NOT JUST YOURS, BUT THOSE WHOM YOU LOVE?
DO YOU FEEL AT TIMES THERE IS NO HOPE,
BUT YOU STILL LOOK FOR HELP FROM ABOVE?

HAVE OTHER’S ANSWERS JUST FAILED YOU?
THOUGH WITH GOOD INTENTIONS, THEY COME…
YOU STILL HEAR WORDS OF EMPTINESS,
AND YOU’VE FOUND HOPE IN NOONE?

MY CHILD, I HAVE NEVER PROMISED
THAT YOU’D HAVE EVERY SINGLE THING THAT IS GOOD…
I JUST ASKED YOU TO ALWAYS FOLLOW ME,
THOUGH AT TIMES YOU WOULDN’T THINK YOU COULD.

I NEVER PROMISED ALL YOUR DAYS WITHOUT SORROW,
DEATH, TRAGEDY, AND SICKNESS ARE ALL PART OF THIS LIFE.
BUT OH WHAT SWEETNESS AWAITS YOU
WHEN YOU MAKE IT THROUGH ALL THE STRIFE!

I NEVER PROMISED TO BE YOUR GENIE,
ANSWERING YOUR EVERY LITTLE WHIM,
BUT I DID ASK YOU TO STILL KEEP TRUSTING IN ME,
THOUGH ALL AROUND YOU SEEMS GRIM.

I NEVER SAID TO PRETEND THINGS ARE FINE,
OR TO JUST PRETEND YOU HAVE NO PAIN….
YOU HAVE TO BE REAL WHEN YOU COME TO ME,
AND STILL TRUST ME WHEN GRIEF COMES AGAIN.

SO AS YOU GO THROUGH THESE HORRIBLE MOMENTS
AND YOU WANT TO WISH IT ALL AWAY,
COME ONLY TO ME, I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE,
I DID PROMISE I’D NEVER GO AWAY.

AND IN THOSE TIMES THAT YOU FEEL ISOLATED
LIKE THE RAIN HAS DROWNED AWAY THE LIGHT,
REMEMBER THAT I AM HOLDING YOU CLOSE,
THROUGH EACH DAY, AND THROUGH EACH NIGHT.

AND WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE LOSING IT,
GO AHEAD AND LET IT ALL OUT!!
COME TO ME, SCREAM AND CRY TO ME,
I CAN TAKE IT ALL, EVEN YOUR SHOUTS!!

FALL APART AND CRY UNTIL YOU CAN CRY NO MORE,
AND JUST LET ME WRAP MY ARMS AROUND YOU.
FALL APART LIKE YOU’VE WANTED TO FOR SO LONG,
IT’S THE BEST THING THAT YOU CAN DO.

AND REMEMBER THE PAIN YOU HAVE IN THIS LIFE
WON’T LAST FOREVER, IT WILL ALL SOON BE GONE.
I, YOUR LORD, HAVE ALREADY HAD THE LAST WORD,
I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU TO LEAN ON.

I AM YOUR PEACE, AND I AM YOUR LIGHT,
I BRING YOU DELIVERANCE, COMFORT, AND HOPE.
AND MY PRECIOUS CHILD, I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE,
EACH TIME YOU’VE COME TO THE END OF YOUR ROPE.

J.N.S. January 14, 2009

2010-05-05T15:51:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I can't help but think that some people roll their eyes as I constantly talk about how much I ADORE my husband, our family, and our marriage. But....I can't help but do just that. So on the one hand, I feel compelled to say, "I'm sorry".....because I DO know there are those who aren't married and wish they were, who have gone through a bad marriage, are in a bad marriage, and I know hearts have been broken. There are those like my wonderful Daddy, who has lost his one love. This is nothing to ignore. Many of you I'm speaking straight to, and I am sorry. Trust me, my heart is heavy for you, and if I know of your pain, there have been tears shed out of my own eyes.

However, I have to share this. To me, it's too good NOT to share.

You see, there are times in life that one looks hell straight in the face. There are times when tragedy comes, and those who know me know our story. These times will continue on throughout life. If you're lucky, maybe they won't come your way. But if you're like most people, sometimes life will beat. the. heckfire. out of you. It is in those times that I have become even MORE thankful for this birthday boy that I'm talking about.

You see, Jesus said, "the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand." This speaks to me. In a world where people hurt. In a world where babies starve. In a world so full of hatred. In a world of broken homes, abusive spouses, hateful words.....HIS Kingdom is at hand.

For me, there have been many times in my life that I have been certain of this, because I have experienced it. In my marriage. In giving birth to our son. In sweet friendships I have been blessed with. In my Momma, Daddy, my sweet sister.

I look back on the past two years...much more have I carried besides the burden of losing my Momma. Much more have I endured. Much more have I cried about, ached about, been depressed about.

And this man, this very, (VERY), tall man that God gave to share this life with me has been here by my side through it all. He has been a reminder to me of the VERY real presence of God. Just in being himself, in loving me day in and day out with his very life. In hurting with me, mourning with me, and yes, even arguing with me because there was that ONE time I was wrong..... ;) Just in showing me true love, loyal love, REAL love, God has used this man to remind me of His very presence. My husband's love for God, for the wonderful humanity He created....it is beautiful. He loves with his whole self. I admire that. Through him, I am reminded that though I may go through hell many times throughout life...God has given him to me. I have seen glimpses of Heaven because of my husband. And I just had to share that.

Darryl James, my love, my husband....HAPPY BIRTHDAY. You are wonderful and I am honoured to be the one you choose to love everyday.

Exclusion

2010-04-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

There has to be a better way
Than what we’re seeing now
There has to be a better route
Than letting hatred and exclusion abound.

We’re saying we’re pro-life, save
All the babies, keep them alive!
Yet we hate others with our very words…
Dehumanizing through our strife.

It’s as if we only want to treat
Life sacred while it’s in the womb…
But once someone is breathing
It’s okay to send them to a tomb.

Indeed, humanity is lovely…
From beginning to the end…
What if we treated each other with honour,
Just as we’re told to do by Him?!

We act like it’s okay to tear someone down
When they don’t agree with us…
Because people will come to know Him
The more we shout and scream and cuss!

The more we shout, the louder we’ll be!
What a great way to spread the love.
What a great way to let people know
Of a God that looks down from above.

As if He’s not here, he’s off in the distance
Unattached from us and looking down…
What if we lived as He said to live,
As if His Kingdom were all around?

Yet we still sit back and judge other’s actions-
As if its our duty to measure the heart.
But, when it’s us needing help--
We cry for forgiveness and grace from the start.

We like to say, “God is love!”
And that’s the business we’re in!
Yet we can’t even be faithful and love one another,
And even backstab ones we call “friends”.

Instead of being known as oppressors,
When will we stop the oppressing that’s being done?
When will we be known for the love
That’s supposed to bring others to the One?

When will we stop being busy
Gossiping about other people’s days…
And get down on our knees instead
Praying we can all understand His grace?

I long for a day when His church
Will be known for what they adore,
For showing love and grace-
Rather than the hatred many of us are known for.

I long for the day that we’ll be known
For embracing every person, and showing grace-
Instead of drawing lines in the Kingdom,
Whether it’s because of opinions or one’s race.

When can we sit back and realize that
His table is open to us all?
If He’s given someone breath, then they’re human…
Everyone’s invited to hear His call.

Jessica Nicole Schafer
04-28-10

Waiting.

2010-04-22T09:43:00.000-07:00

This poem, which I wrote back in 2007...before the Great Sadness...has been on my mind so much lately. In life, we're often stuck in "wait". Sometimes we haven't done anything wrong to be here...we just have to wait. I've been here often. The most recent "waiting" period....well....let's just say I was ready last month to put it behind us. I'm holding out hope for something good....though I don't know the future. I'm holding out hope for some stability, and believe me, it hurts to wait this long. So, again, I share my heart with you. Hoping that maybe somewhere, someone can be encouraged by my own hurts, and the hope I've found in them.

"The Waiting Place"

YOU KEEP TELLING ME NOT TO WORRY
I KEEP TRYING MY BEST TO TRUST,
NOT LETTING MY HEART BE TAKEN OVER
BY WANTING MATERIAL THINGS OUT OF LUST.

YOU KEEP SAYING YOU’LL DELIVER
THE NEEDY WHEN THEY CRY…
YET I’VE BEEN HERE WAITING…
AND EVERYDAY WONDERING “WHY?”.

I KNOW YOU ALWAYS KEEP YOUR WORD
I KNOW YOU WILL ANSWER ME
AND I ALSO KNOW ALL I CAN DO
IS SIT AND WAIT PATIENTLY.

I’VE PUT MY TRUST IN THINGS BEFORE,
IN OTHER PEOPLE, MYSELF, AND MY PLANS…
BUT THE LESSON I KEEP LEARNING
IS JUST TO LET YOU HOLD MY HAND.

“BUT LORD, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND-“
AT TIMES I’VE CRIED OUT TO YOU…
AS IF YOU DIDN’T, YOURSELF, CREATE ME-
AND MAKE ALL THINGS AND PEOPLE NEW!

“I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE-
I GIVE UP!” I’VE CRIED BEFORE.
BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT’S NOT
THE WAY I CAN BE ANYMORE.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I DON’T KNOW!
AND IT’S OKAY TO BE HERE NOW.
IT’S OKAY TO TRUST YOU HAPPILY,
AND NOT KNOW THE “WHY’S AND HOW’S”.

IT'S EVEN OKAY TO HOPE THOUGH SO MUCH
DESPAIR IS STILL LINGERING AROUND...
SOMETIMES YOU DO YOUR BEST WORK
WHEN MY HEART IS SO CLOSE TO THE GROUND.

EVEN THOUGH OTHERS MAY FAIL ME,
AND IT SEEMS LIKE YOU HAVE, TOO...
I'LL REMEMBER YOU SAID THAT ONE DAY
YOU WILL MAKE ALL THINGS NEW.

THOUGH THINGS AROUND MAY BE HOPELESS,
AND LONELINESS AND DEATH ABOUND HERE...
I'LL REMEMBER YOU SAID YOU COMFORT THOSE
WHO ARE MOURNING, AND I WILL NOT FEAR.

EVEN WHEN THE FUTURE SEEMS HOPELESS,
IT’S A GOOD THING TO TRUST IN YOU-
IT’S GOOD TO KNOW, LORD JESUS,
THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO.

SO I STAY HERE-IN THE WAITING PLACE.
I MAY BE HERE FOR YEARS OR DAYS.
BUT I WILL DO MY BEST TO FOLLOW YOU, JESUS
AND LET YOU TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.

JESSICA SCHAFER-JULY 4, 2007
*new lines added in 2009*

“HOW LONG, O LORD? WILL YOU FORGET ME FOREVER? HOW LONG WILL YOU HIDE YOUR FACE FROM ME? HOW LONG SHALL I TAKE COUNSEL IN MY SOUL, HAVING SORROW IN MY HEART ALL THE DAY? HOW LONG WILL MY ENEMY BE EXALTED OVER ME? ……. BUT I HAVE TRUSTED IN YOUR LOVINGKINDESS; MY HEART SHALL REJOICE IN YOUR SALVATION. I WILL SING TO THE LORD, BECAUSE HE HAS DEALT BOUNTIFULLY WITH ME.” *THE PSALMS*

“THE MIND OF MAN PLANS HIS WAY, BUT THE LORD DIRECTS HIS STEPS.” *THE PROVERBS*

“REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS; AGAIN I WILL SAY, REJOICE! LET YOUR GENTLE SPIRIT BE KNOWN TO ALL MEN. THE LORD IS NEAR. BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING, BUT IN EVERYTHING BY PRAYER AND SUPPLICATION WITH THANKSGIVING LET YOUR REQUESTS BE MADE KNOWN TO GOD. AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH SURPASSES ALL COMPREHENSION, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS.” *PHILIPPIANS 4:4-7*

“FAITHFUL IS HE WHO CALLS YOU AND HE WILL ALSO BRING IT TO PASS.” *I THESSALONIANS 5:24*

2010-04-14T20:44:00.000-07:00

I had a very. long. day.

Nothing major happened, just a lot of little things. The day didn't go as planned...bad attitudes throughout the house. All these little things just added up, piling up on my back, and reminding me of all the things I've already been worried about for the past several months.

And reminding me most of all that I miss my Momma.
I need her.
Tonight, I really wanted to talk to her.

I found myself driving and just crying harder than I've cried in a long time. I was asking question after question to God. And at one point I came back to that age old question, "Why did this have to happen to me?!?!?!?!". Of course, I already know that there is no answer to that question. But I, like many others, will keep asking it.

I'm reading a book called "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. I HIGHLY suggest it. It's brutally honest. In times like tonight, when I feel so utterly alone, books like this remind me that I am not alone.

Her absence is everywhere. When I want to call her to tell her something cute that Dylan did. When I want to call and ask her a question about when I was younger. When I talk to Daddy. When I see a lady having a nice day out with her grandchild. When Dylan asks to talk to Nana because he misses her. When I dream about her--only to wake up to reality. When Darryl calls his Mom. When I remember her laugh. When I hear friends talking about their Mothers babysitting for them.

As hard as that is to read....as hard as it is to write....trust me, it's much harder to feel all those feelings.

Being without her has changed me. And of course it would. It has made me see the great delicacy of life. It has made me know a side of God I never knew before. It has made me more vulnerable. It has made me love harder.

And on days like today, it reminds me that I'm still a little girl who sometimes just needs her Momma.

In His Image.

2010-03-25T07:52:00.000-07:00

I'm sure many of us have been hurt by other’s words. The sad thing I’ve noticed is that most of the people I know, including myself, have been hurt in the biggest ways by those IN the Church, the ones who should “know better”.

Most people think we have to clean ourselves all up, look like we have it all together. (Which everyone knows that nobody has it “all together”…..why do we need to try to pretend?) We need to read our Bible 45 minutes a day, go to church when the doors are open, participate in Bible study, V.B.S., show charity to someone, (usually it isn’t even to help them, it’s to make ourselves feel better). And though most people would say, “I don’t just do those things, I have a REAL relationship with Jesus!”……my question is, do we???

Do we? Can we have a relationship with the One who IS love when we’re constantly ripping one another apart in hatred? Can we have a relationship with the One who associated Himself with the poor, when we hoard all of our money while our neighbor has no food? When He, Himself, mourned and cried, yet we shut our ears to those who are deeply grieved? Can we really know Him, who gave Himself for even His enemies, (which at one time we fell into that category) when we’re constantly saying how wrong others are, and hating those who disagree with us with our venemous words???

These are just questions I have.

Because if we are His followers, if we are His children, we are to exhibit love. At all turns. Even when that evil *insert political party* says something that we totally disagree with. Even then? Yes. Even when our so-called friends gossip about us constantly? Yes, still….show love. Even when *insert name here* has done nothing but be a jerk to me all the years I’ve known her? Yes…..love holds no wrongs. Now, does this mean we let people run over us and enable them to do these things to us? I think not. However, we are called to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. Evil has to be brought out into the light and called out for what it is, but I think sometimes we call PEOPLE out…..

…….and we forget that they, too, were created in His very image.

What would the world look like if we actually lived as we believed that? Each person, no matter their race, appearance, what’s in their bank account, their religion, their political party, the country they live in………..that they were created in His image??

What if we, as the Body of Christ, were so overflowing with His love, that all we ever did was show love to each person that draws breath? What if we decided that hatred has no place in the Believer’s life? What if we not only decided that, but actually LIVED like that?? What if we ever got to a point that we could look at the face of ANY living human being on this earth and see the face of Jesus…….

Maybe that is the defining factor of whether we have a “relationship” with Jesus.

Do we? Do you?

Because He created us to live on this place together.

He created us to be a light.

Some people would say we’ve turned into a black hole.

His hands and feet.

2010-03-03T12:09:00.000-08:00

"You just need to get over it, you’ve mourned, I’ve mourned with you, and now it’s time for you to get over it.” (Ironically…..this person hadn’t “mourned” alongside me at all. If they had, I sure didn’t experience it.)

I was told these words twelve weeks, three months, after the unexpected and tragic loss of My Momma.

These words have stuck in my head because it makes me wonder if the person who told me this had been told the same crap at some point in the past. It was such a heartless thing to say….yet I hurt deeply for the person who said this to me. I care deeply for this person. And I hurt for who said this, because I know there are bigger things this individual needs to deal with.

I want to tell you something. You, who are broken. You, the grieving. You, the one hurting. There is nothing wrong with you!!! You are hurting and mourning and grieving because you feel the great emptiness that happens when someone you love no longer stands beside you.

There is a sick, ignorant stigma in our society that treats someone grieving as if they’re hooked on a drug. As if they can’t control themselves. There is this idea, though nobody talks about it, that one who is openly grieving has “issues” and they are having a “hard time” recovering. (Assuming that one is supposed to “recover”.) I have seen it so much in the past two years. The wrong assumption that most people have is that one has to “end” the grieving period.

I ask you, how does that look?

Can someone please tell me?

There is no “end” to the grief that accompanies the death of a loved one. It is an ongoing process. And I am so weary of seeing others, and myself treated like we need to be institutionalized because we are actually handling the hard things that life has thrown our way. This is not like being hooked on anything….a drug, pornography, etc. Grief is something that happens TO you, not something you chose to do to yourself.

I am not an expert on grief. But I do know, having been dealing with it for much longer than I’d ever dreamed of, that grief is more of a journey that lasts a lifetime rather than a period of time that can be boxed up, dealt with, and handled in a twelve-step program….which is how some people treat it.

You, the one grieving…..feel free to do so. Feel free to hurt, to question, to cry….to FEEL. Feel free to mourn the loss that is so apparent. Feel free to be sad. All the while remembering that this IS NOT the end and that in your grief, Christ offers you comfort. I believe He, Himself comforts us. And I also believe that if we, the church, are to be His hands and feet……we ought to be comforting one another, too.

I guess I just wanted to tell you, the one who’s been carrying this burden; You are not alone.

There are others. I am one of them. And if we were called to live this life in community (which I believe we are…) then part of that is carrying one another’s grief and hurt. Even when it is not convenient to us……..lest we forget that the Cross was not convenient for Christ. And we are called to be a mirror of Him to one another…….all the time….even when we don’t feel like putting up with someone else’s hurt.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." -Jesus-

A Blanket of Grief lined with comfort.

2010-02-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

If you've ever lost someone close to you, you know the hurt that comes and goes throughout the rest of your life. Some days are harder than others, but the absence of that loved one is always there. And if you are a girl who lost your Mother at a young age.....it changes you in ways you'd never expect. One of my sweet friends, who is actually in her sixties, told me that when she lost her mother at a young age she found herself couting down the days until she was her mother's age when she passed away. I've found myself starting on that same path.

Of course, birthdays are tough to celebrate.....and especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. My Momma's birthday just passed at the beginning of this month. That day is always really rough on myself, and I'm sure my Daddy and sister. For some odd reason.....Valentine's day was a real tear jerker for me. (And I cried thinking of my Daddy having to go through this day without Momma.) Let me back up a bit.

We woke up Sunday morning and I was exhausted. I don't remember how late I was up the night before, but I just couldn't rest well. Given our family's predicament over the last several months, there are many nights that I don't rest well. But my husband was nudging me awake bright and early Sunday morning, Valentine's Day, saying "Get up! Happy Valentine's Day! We need to get ready to go to church". We've been attending a place that's about half an hour's drive, and we have to get up pretty early. I was not into this whole, "get up" thing that morning. I would've been perfectly content to rest a little bit. But I got up, quickly got ready, fed my lil' babylove and got him all dressed and ready to go.

After Sunday School, we walked down to the sanctuary, and sitting in front of me is a young girl, about my age. Beside her is what appears to be her Mother. Her mother keeps putting her arm around the young girl, lovingly. And I couldn't help but notice, they were directly in front of me. There's this part of me everytime I see a girl my age with her Mother that makes me want to scream, "WHY!!!!! Why do you get to have yours, but mine is gone!?!?!??!".....and I know that's normal. But quickly, that part of me was quieted by another part. I just wanted to go grab that young girl and tell her, "Hold on!!!!! Don't for a second take for granted that your Momma is right there with you, loving you and doting on you, treasure it!".....

There are days that are much harder, days when the tears just flow and as quickly as I wipe them, more are falling right behind. Valentine's Day was one of those for me.

Just after I noticed that girl and her mother, someone gets up and reads, Philippians 4:6-7 which reads,
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Those were the last words My Momma wrote in her journal.

The entire sermon was about these verses.

So needless to say, the tears were flowing. Times like this I can think, "God, WHY!!! Why torture me with these memories?!?!"....OR I can think, "THANK YOU, LORD!! Thank you for such sweet memories and reminders of My Momma.....it brings me such comfort to know You're there and You remember me, You remember my pain and You offer comfort and hope!!" I chose that second line of thinking.

To top this Sunday morning off, we sang a hymn that had these words,

"The Lord is never far away,
But, thro' all grief distressing,
An ever-present help and stay,
Our peace and joy and blessing;
As with a mother's tender hand
He leads His own, His chosen band:
To God all praise and glory!"

"Sing Praise to God Who Reigns Above" by Johann J. Schutz

Through the pain and tears, through my joy and fears, through my aches and memories....thank you, Lord. Thank you for reaching out to me in a time where the hurt cuts so deep I can do nothing but cry. Thank you for a husband who encourages me.

2010-02-02T20:15:00.000-08:00

It's broken.

We can pretend it's not, but it is.
We can ignore the reality of the darkness that happens in our lives, or we can face it head on. I choose to face it.

Because if I don't, I'm pretty sure I could describe what would happen. I'd be like a shell of a person. I'd be unfeeling. I'd be unloving. I'd be unsympathetic. I would never want to hurt with you if you were hurting. I would never cry with you when you were crying. I would never simply be with you in your pain. Nor would I be with you in your joy. I would try to find all the easy answers for all the "why's"....and those easy answers would suffice.......for a little while.

I'm talking about this because the circles I run in have lots of people who like to gloss over reality and slap a big band-aid on the bad, hoping to cover it up....and that it will all go away and nobody will notice. That is never a good thing. What happens is things will get worse. And all things that are covered up have a way of finding their way out of the darkness.

Talking. I think that's a good place to start. Not just shallow talking, but talking about both the good and the bad. The Church in America is REALLY good about talking about the "good" things (because I think good is a relative term) but downright horrible when it comes to talking about tragedy. We are quick to blame either ourselves or someone else.....and we never really know what to do with tragedy when it happens to us. Much less the tragedy of others. We are often like Job's friends.....though someone we know is hurting beyond belief, for a very long time, we like to pass judgment on them and tell them all the reasons these horrible things are happening. (We need to be reminded of what God said to Job's friends at the end of that story!) We've become a society that says, "I don't believe in prosperity preaching, the belief that good happens to those doing good and bad happens to those who are doing bad".....but we LIVE exactly that way.

Words. Marriages begin with them. Wars start with them. Friendships begin with them. Relationships are shattered with them.

It is with our words we pray to God. And with those same words we tear down one another. It is with words that we whisper to our lovers. And with those same words that spouses whisper to mistresses. It is with words we talk about the sanctity of life, yet tear down lives everyday with the evil things we speak, and the slander we spread about one another. It's with our words we say we believe in the truth and love, yet we still spread lies and hatred. Words. They are important.

I've been told some pretty hateful things. And I'll be honest, they have hurt. The whole "sticks and stones" saying is NOT TRUE. Words hurt. They scar. They stick to us sometimes. And the Bible has plenty to say about our words. To me, if the Bible speaks so many times about the words we say.....I think we need to PAY ATTENTION. Instead of mentioning all the shallow, unloving things I've been told that have stuck with me (which would be a very long list...I'd be willing to bet your list would be long, too.....and by the way, there are many things I've said to others that I wish I could take bake....I speak to myself here, as well as others...) I am going to list a bajillion Scriptures written to us on what we say, and in what way we need to be saying these things. Let's be honest, the church needs some help in this area. In a world where the church is supposed to be a city on a hill, we're quickly becoming known as a village in a valley. I think one of the ways to start is with examining how we're living....and what we're saying to one another. I hope it is encouraging, because if you're anything like me....I need all the encouragement I can get. I believe we were meant to live this life in community.....and if that's so, we'd better start paying attention to what's going on outside our doors, to those in and out of the church, and to those who are hurting. We need to learn to be loving again, (both in words and action) and get rid of this judgmentalism that is associated with the church in America. Whether we like it or not, that is how many see the church today. We can sit and say all the reasons we think that is wrong, or we can stop arguing and start ACTIVELY living out the life of love we were called to by the One we say we follow. One good place to start is by examining our words.....and the hearts from which they come. I mean, words must mean a lot, right? God did create with His very words..............

*Psalm 19:14*
"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."

*Psalm 54:2*
"Hear my prayer, O God; give ear to the words of my mouth."

*Psalm 59:12*
"On account of the sin of their mouth and the words of their lips, let them even be caught in their pride, and on account of curses and lies which they utter."

*Psalm 78:1*
"Listen, O my people, to my instruction, incline your ears to the words of my mouth."

*Psalm 94:4*
"They pour forth words, they speak arrogantly; all who do wickedness vaunt themselves."

*Psalm 119:103*
"How sweet are Your words to my taste! Yes, sweeter than honey to my mouth."

*Psalm 119:147*
"I rise before dawn and cry for help; I wait for Your words."

*Proverbs 4:20*
"My son, give attention to my words, incline your ear to my sayings."

*Proverbs 4:24*
"Put away from you a deceitful mouth and put devious speech far from you."

*Proverbs 3:27-28*
"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. Do not say to your neighbor, 'Go, and come back, and tomorrow I wil give it,' when you have it with you."

*Proverbs 10:18-21*

*Proverbs 12:17-22*

*Proverbs 15:1-2*
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, but the mouth of fools spouts folly.

*Proverbs 16:24*
"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

*Proverbs 15:26*
"Evil plans are an abomination to the LORD, but pleasant words are pure."

*Proverbs 12:14*
"A man will be satisfied with good by the fruit of his words, and the deeds of a man's hands will return to him."

*Proverbs 17:4*
"An evildoer listens to wicked lips; a liar pays attention to a destructive tongue."

*Proverbs 17:27-18*
"He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is considered prudent."

*Proverbs 18:4*
"The words of a man's mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook."

*Proverbs 18:6-7*
"A fool's lips bring strife, and his mouth calls for blows. A fool's mouth is his ruin, and his lips are the snare of his soul."

*Proverbs 18:20-21*
"With the fruit of a man's mouth his stomach will be satisfied; he will be satisfied with the product of his lips. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit."

*Proverbs 20:15*
"There is gold, and an abundance of jewels; but the lips of knowledge are a more precious thing."

*Proverbs 20:19*
"He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip."

*Proverbs 21:23*
"He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards his soul from troubles."

*Proverbs 25:11*
"Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances."

*Zechariah 8:16*
"These are the things which you should do: speak the truth to one another; judge with truth and judgment for peace in your gates."

*Matthew 5:22*
"But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, 'You good-for-nothing' shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, 'You fool,' shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell."

*Matthew 7:24*
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock."

*Matthew 7:26*
"Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand."

*Matthew 12:35-37*
"The good man brings out of his good treasure what is good; and the evil man brings out of his evil treasure what is evil. But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned."

*Matthew 15:8-9*
"'This people honors ME with their lips, but their heart is far away from Me. But in vain do they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the precepts of men.' And Jesus called the crowd to Him, He said to them, 'Hear and understand. It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles the man but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man.'"

"Matthew 15:18-19*
"But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders."

*Matthew 24:35*
"Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away."

*Luke 6:31*
"Treat others the same way you want them to treat you."

"Luke 6:46*
"Why do you call Me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?"

"John 1:1*
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."

*John 1:14*
"And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory...."

*All of John*

*John 6:63*
"It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing; the words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life."

*John 14:24*
"He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine, but the Father's who sent Me."

*I Corinthians 16:14*
"Let all that you do be done in love."

"Ephesians 4:25*
"Therefore, laying aside falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE of you WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, for we are members of one another."

*Ephesians 4:29*
"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear."

*Ephesians 5:19*
"speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord;"

*Hebrews 4:12*
"For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart."

*James 1:19*
"This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;"

*James 3:5*
"So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things."

*Psalm 34:13*
"Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit."

*Psalm 15*

*Psalm 52:4*
"You love all words that devour, O deceitful tongue."

*Psalm 64:3*
"Who have sharpened their tongue like a sword. They aimed bitter speech as their arrow,"

*Proverbs 10:32*
"The lips of the righteous bring forth what is acceptable, but the mouth of the wicked what is perverted."

*Proverbs 12:18-19*
"There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Truthful lips will be established forever, but a lying tongue is only for a moment."

*Proverbs 31:26*
"She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."

*James 3:8-10*
"But no one can tame the tongue, it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way."

*I Peter 3:10*
"For, 'The ONE WHO DESIRES LIFE, TO LOVE AND SEE GOOD DAYS, MUST KEEP HIS TONGUE FROM EVIL AND HIS LIPS FROM SPEAKING DECEIT.'"

2010-01-26T09:23:00.000-08:00

I am just so relieved right now, in this moment. It's not because anything other than the fact that a sweet friend called me today. She knows all of our circumstances. And you know what, she didn't say to me, "You need to get over it..." (which I was told to do regarding grieving the tragic loss of my Momma, a mere twelve weeks after it happened.....)......or, "You must be doing something wrong"......or, "Well, if you just trusted God more"....or, "Just stop complaining".....(and YES, if you know anything about what our family has been going through, those are REAL things that have been said to me.) I didn't hear any of that!!! You know what I heard?

It's okay.

It's okay to cry and question and even say a few curse words if I need to get it all out!!! She told me things I already knew.....but you know what?? I had forgotten so much of it. And you know why?? Because so many people had told me all of the things I mentioned above. She just, out of nowhere, said, "I hurt for you guys. So much. I can't imagine why you're going through this. You are not alone, and we are here to just listen to you. We are here to go through this with you, for the long haul." WOW. THAT is love. That is fellowship. That is encouragement. That is the love of God reaching down and wrapping His arms around me. In a world where Christianity has been dumbed down to prosperity preaching and empty doctrine.....THAT was what I have been needing for so long.

It was such a breath of fresh air.

I was reading Job last night. Again. It always comforts me. He pours his very soul out to his friends, and they immediately bash him. Wait a minute, they do sit with him. For seven days. Which seems like a good amount of time. But then, when things don't get better for Job, when things STAY horrible. They are gone. Because who has time for that? Who has time to mourn with someone? Right? They immediately have that "disconnect" from him. They immediately judge him. I have been there. I'm sure you have, too. I'm sure many of us have. If you have been going through a horrible time, if life has been just beating the crap out of you, I apologize on behalf of many Christians who have not been there with you. It's a different thing to be there "for someone"....and "with someone". And even as I write this, I think of all the poeple who are saying, "I can't believe she's bashing the church right now......what a bad thing to say". My answer is simple; there are real problems in the church. Don't believe me? Read your Bible. Nothing is new under the sun. The thing is, we need to address them, it's good to talk about the bad and try to fix it. It's a good thing to bring the dark things into the light and see them for what they are. When our children do things out of hate, do we simply pretend they didn't? Or do we not take them aside and talk with them about how love works?

The same here. I was comforted last night. I was comforted to read the words of Job, "So am I alloted months of vanity, and nights of trouble are appointed me. When I lie down I say, 'when shall I arise?' but the night continues, and I am continually tossing until dawn............My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle, and come to an end without hope." *Job 7:3-4 &6*

"...and come to an end without hope..." That is where I have been. I can't apologize for that. For too long I have tried to keep silent to "appease" those Christians out there who bash others for talking about the bad things in life. It's taboo to talk about the hard things in Christianity. And when we do, we're told such shallow, band-aid answers. I don't believe God wants that. I believe, with all my heart, that though God can reach down and change things for me, though He can make things better and I'm still waiting for Him to do something.......He STILL hears my cries. He still hurts with me. He still comforts me. I find comfort in my suffering.

If you're experiencing sorrow, hopelessness, despair. You are not alone. If you keep wondering, "Why does all the bad stuff keep happening?". You are not alone. If you keep looking for hope because you've run out of it, you are not alone. God is with you. And let me tell you, it helps so much to have someone who loves you be there with you. Let us not forget we were meant to go through life in community. We need one another. Even when it is tiring, taxing, emotionally draining, we're called to carry one another's burdens. Don't take the easy way out and turn your face from someone who needs you. That is not love. That is not from God.

"Lord, thank You. I hate the way things have been in my life for so long. It seems as though despair has been in my family since losing my Momma. Everything we've gone through in the past two years, You know it all. You, alone, know our hearts. You could easily change things. And yet You haven't. I don't know why. I admit that I have felt guilty, trying to find all the reasons I deserve all this bad. Thank you for reminding me not to try to find something that I'm doing wrong as a reason that You are "punishing" me. Thank you for sending this friend to remind me that following You sometimes gives no answers. There may be no reason for all the sorrow. Thank you for mine and Darryl's friends who have been there for us through all of this, who have been an ear for us. I have no idea when You will step in for my family. I don't know at all. But thank you for reminding me that You do feel what I'm feeling. Thank you for giving me this friend who is hurting with me. Please answer my cries, Lord. Amen."

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him. Nevertheless I will argue my ways before Him." *Job 13:15*

2010-01-09T14:50:00.000-08:00

"You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" -Psalm 56:8-

It's much easier to pretend things are good when they're not. It's much easier to ignore the reality of what's happening around rather than deal with the very hard things in life. I have never been one who's able to do that, though. I have to ask questions. I have to wonder. I have to talk about the hard things. I ask God those tough questions that I used to never think of asking Him. And you know what? He's okay with that!! He can handle my questions. He can handle my frustrations. He can handle my unbelief. He can handle my sorrows. He can handle my grief.

Today I am trying, as hard as I can, to remember that there is a rainbow somewhere. It is there. I can't see it, and I am not experiencing it. But I am holding onto that promise. There's no way to "pretty it up".....I've been going through pure hell the past two full years. And right now, it doesn't look like things are getting any better. But until they do....assuming they will.....I am holding onto God, and these precious people He's given me. I love Him. I love them. I love my God, even during the stormy seasons of life, when death seems to be all around and sorrow seems to have camped out for good.....I still love Him. Nothing can change that. And nothing can change the great love He has for me.

Another year.

2010-01-01T21:44:00.001-08:00

I went back to that lonely place this year. I kept saying it was my first Christmas back since The Deep Sadness....and it pretty much was. We drove back to Oklahoma again after those horrible, horrible days in 2007, and we spent Christmas there in Altus with Darryl's family. I couldn't tell you one thing I got. I couldn't even tell you one thing anybody else opened from beneath that tree. So, to me....yes, it was my first Christmas back. I was alert this time. I was aware.

I went to the gravesite for the first time since then. It was difficult. I had a horrible feeling in my gut. However, it wasn't any harder than the previous two years have been without My Momma. Her absence has been loudly apparent. There were two things that really hit me hard, though. They got to me in such a deep way that I know I will never forget. First of all, seeing the words "Parents of Carmen and Jessica" on the tombstone made me fall apart on the inside. It doesn't make sense. It shouldn't be. My sister and I, standing there, looking at a slab of stone resting above our Momma. Oh, how I have felt robbed since that December. Not to mention seeing my Daddy's name on the other side. That was not comforting at all.

As I walked through that cemetery, seeing names of other loved ones in our family....I started reading dates. For many of the tombstones, there were a lot of years between those two dates. Many of the souls resting there had full lives. And as I glanced again at the dates on My Momma's tombstone, all those feelings of anger came back. WHY in the world was she not allowed many more years here with us? And what about those who don't even have as long as she had? So many questions. Not a soul on this earth will ever be able to answer them, though.

Grief lingers. The absence of our loved ones lingers. And it should. Because they were, no, ARE loved and missed.

I am thankful for the grief, as I've said before. In our grief, we remember the love. In grief, we are reminded of our neediness. In grief, we are reminded that we are not in control of this life. In grief, we are reminded of this wonderful breath we have in us, and that we never know the minute that breath will be taken.

Christmas morning we woke up at my in-laws home. Darryl looked at me, and he knew. He knew exactly what I was thinking before I even said it. I wouldn't be finding
My Momma under that tree. The only present I have wanted for so long now.

**********************************************************************************

The past two years has been filled with heartache for my family. There have been other things Darryl and I have had to live through, and I am ready to be done with this dark period in our lives. Every inch of me wants to scream as loudly as I can for some sunshine to come peeking through for us. God only knows the heartache we are carrying. Just as He knows the heartache every single one of us carries.

I wait. I hope. I refuse to be overtaken by bitterness. How easy it would be for anybody who's lived out these last 24 months to become a shell of a person. To lose their humanity, their faith. And many people do. It is such an easy thing to do to become hard-hearted. There are so many excuses for it.

But I can't. I simply can't. I see all the heartache. The grief. I see all the injustices. I see all the poverty. I have seen death. I have seen people treat my husband like dirt. I have seen hatred fill so many people's lives that it becomes who they are. I have seen marriages fall apart. I have seen fear all over my face in the first part of our pregnancy with Dylan after being rushed to the ER and told, "you'll just have to wait and see what happens......"....

But...................

I remember Christ. I remember My Momma's voice, her laugh, her hugs. I remember her grabbing my hand. I remember kissing my husband on our wedding day. I remember feeling Dylan move for the first time in the early part of our pregnancy. I remember holding him the day he was born. I remember his little voice calling for me for the first time. I remember the grief shared and the comfort given among my sister, my Daddy, and myself. I remember our close friends who have reached out to us through this. I remember laughing.

And as I remember all those things, I know that God is real. I know that He is not a fluffy white man in the clouds who will give me all the riches I want if I'll just name it and claim it. I know that He is a God who not only hands out sorrow, but comfort. I know that He is a God that not only causes tears sometimes, but cries alongside me when I do. I know He is a God who loves me. Even when I question His love for me, He still loves me. I know that. I know that through all these dark days. He loves me. Even though it doesn't look like it, and even though sorrow has camped out in our home.....He loves me. I can't deny that.

So with that said, here's to another year. One that I hope finds my family in happiness, comfort, fellowship, and answered prayers.

2009-12-30T17:16:00.000-08:00

Not sure about the heartache
Or why things keep falling apart.
But I'm trying as hard as I can
To make some good things start.

I'm holding onto what is good
And living through all the bad...
It's times like this I remember
all the good things that I've had.

Life keeps spinning and handing
out things that devastate and destroy...
I'm clinging tight to my lover with
all I am, and our little boy.

I remember the good Lord teaching me
that tribulation will come my way-
But I think I've had all I can take,
I'm ready for something good to come today.

I'm holding on to the amazing marriage
God has blessed me with for so long.
I do not take that for granted,
In his arms I'll always belong.

I'm holding onto this precious blessing
wrapped up in my little boy.
The sunshine he gives me everyday
brings me nothing but pure joy.

I'm holding onto This Holy Spirit
whom I know will intercede....
In these darkest days and darkest nights,
of which I am in my greatest need.

December 30, 2009
J.N.S.

2009-12-21T08:37:00.000-08:00

A Red Coat.

2009-12-13T12:48:00.000-08:00

(This post was written on December 14th.)

Did I ever tell you about my red coat? I love it!!!!! It is so adorable. It is a long, wool coat that I wanted for many years. I finally saw the exact one I wanted, and got it two years ago at Christmas. It is beautiful. However, it's never been worn.

It was the last Christmas gift My Momma got for me. She had all of her Christmas shopping done early that year, (which NEVER happened,) and we knew it would be tough opening her gifts. My Daddy, sister, myself, our spouses, and all the grandchildren....we all knew we'd have to sit there together and open up the things she'd taken the time to get for us. Open them up, that is, without her there with us.

I'm not sure why I haven't worn it. I want to, I love it. But part of me doesn't want to chance "messing it up". I know my Momma would DEFINITELY want me to be wearing it!!!!! Hopefully I can sometime.....I just haven't worked up the nerve.

It is true that Christmas, birthdays, and most holidays are tough on families that are missing their loved ones. However, I have found that it's difficult year round. Some days are still much harder than others. Today at church a very sweet friend of mine took my hand in hers, and told me she would be thinking of me so much this week, because she knew the date was tomorrow. It took everything in me to make sure I didn't burst into tears. I NEEDED to hear that. I needed someone to tell me that. I'm not sure why.....but I did. C.S. Lewis said it best when he said something like "her absence is like a blanket.....it covers everything." If you have ever lost someone close to you, I'm sure that makes sense. Yes, certain places and certain times make you think a little more about them....but the great sadness will always loom, no matter the day. I still go to my phone to call her when amazing things happen. I still try to dial her up when things are just going horribly, because she always listened to me and said, "It will all be okay...". Today, especially, I'd give anything to hear her say that.

And still, though I know I can't hear her say it.....I CAN still hear her saying it...

"It will all be okay." One day, it will, indeed.

"For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus." -I Thessalonians 4:14-

2009-12-04T18:58:00.000-08:00

Momma, you have no idea how much you are missed.

Blessings?

2009-11-30T14:42:00.000-08:00

I’ve been thinking so much about the holidays this year. For many reasons. One of the most obvious being that the holidays are always tough when they’re celebrated without our loved ones.
Another reason I’ve been thinking about Thanksgiving is because of our culture. I’ve been raised (as I’m sure most of you have been, also) to see blessings from God as good paying jobs, owning big homes, having three or four vehicles, having 3.5 children, and being healthy. I have been raised with the idea that if those things are NOT happening, then “blessings” from Him are NOT happening.
Think about that for a minute.

As I piddled around online during the past week, almost everybody was thanking God for their blessings…..and everytime, it was for the things listed above. And rightly so, these things ARE blessings. But what about when God does NOT give these things?
What about when life is not filled with happy days? What about lives that are filled with sorrow? What about lives that are filled with people hating you? What happens when things “fall apart”? By fall apart, I mean when we do NOT have a good paying job, do NOT own a nice, big home, do NOT own several vehicles, have no family, and our health is failing? What about loneliness? What about death? What about despair? What about those things??

We shouldn’t be surprised. As a wise man has reminded me time and time again….”If we claim to be followers of Christ, we shouldn’t be surprised when His story is lived out in our lives.” (One guess as to the wise man I’m referring to.) And His story is NOT filled with money, material things, children, etc. It is quite the opposite. It is filled with persecution, poverty, and towards the end He is put to death by the very ones who said they knew Him. (Thankfully, that is not how the story ends.)

We simply cannot see ONLY these things as blessings from God. Because eventually, that thinking falls apart. It falls apart when God stops being a magic genie who gives you everything you want. It falls apart when jobs are lots. It falls apart when women have miscarriages. It falls apart when a family loses their home because they were laid off and can’t pay their mortgage anymore. It falls apart when a spouse is loving and faithful only to find that they were cheated on by their mate. It falls apart when someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, and you have to sit back and watch that cancer take it’s toll on someone you love dearly. It falls apart when you step out of this country!!!!! Because Christians living TODAY in many other countries do not have the things that most American Christians see as “blessings”. They don’t. There’s no way around that. And yet, I’d be quite sure to say that those Christians living there, who have no running water, who have no home, let alone a vehicle….who watch their children die sometimes, due to hunger……they still somehow consider themselves blessed SIMPLY BECAUSE they know God.

What is a blessing? Who defines it? Does our culture? Do we? You? Me?

I was talking to a dear friend the other day. I was telling her my frustrations as of late, and I LOVED having her listen. She is a wise woman. She said something that Darryl had actually said to me before. I was telling her how I’m tired of hearing “things will be okay”….and nothing happening. She said, “When people say those things, it’s never to comfort you, they say it to comfort themselves”. I think she and Darryl are so right on this one. Often-with good intentions- we tell people in their distress, “It will be okay……It will work out……..Things will work out…..I’ll pray for you”…..etc. We’ve all said those things at one point. And of course, there is something to be said for encouraging one another. But I’m wondering if sometimes people say these things in the midst of tragedy because the tragedy itself is too hard to face…….speaking these words to someone who is going through living hell brings comfort to the one speaking because it’s just too hard to figure out.
Because if someone we love is unjustly suffering, then where is God? If someone we love is living in poverty, why isn’t God doing something? If someone we love is facing a terminal illness, why isn’t God healing them? If someone we love is doing everything they can and NOTHING good is happening, WHERE IS GOD???? This same friend told me that MANY times through the past year, when her family has been going through a terminal illness, financial troubles because of it, heartache, sorrow, etc…..she has been asked by Christians, “Well, what are you learning through this?”. WHAT THE HECK!?!?!?!? And yes, as most of you have guessed, the times she’s been asked this, it’s been from a very condescending point of view.

I believe sometimes tragedy happens not to teach the one who’s hurting a lesson, but to teach the Church, as a whole, a lesson. Asking my friend that question would be like asking a toddler who has the flu, “Well, what have you learned from this experience?”. DUH…….That having the flu sucks, and I don’t want to have it!!!!!

(A little side story: Last year when Darryl's sister was dealing with a VERY tragic experience, Darryl said something that has stuck with me. The first time we got to see her, his parents were there, beside her in the hospital bed. She was laying there, unable to move anything at all. There were so many unanswered questions. There was so much hurt, anger, worry, grief, fear, sorrow. When asked "where is Jesus in all this?"....Darryl answered, "He's there, lying in the bed." I will never forget that.
By the way, his sister is doing MUCH better. She has a family that bent over backwards helping her. That is encouraging. )

I do not have the answers, of course. But I do know two things, following Him will not always be rainbows and sunshine. And ignoring the reality of sorrow, grief, and suffering in our lives, or those we know, will never turn out good.

As we sit here in America this year. As we spend Thanksgiving thanking God for our jobs, money, homes, families, health. And then as we go and spend hundreds-some people thousands- on Christmas presents that will probably be obsolete in a year or two…..I wonder if we’ve got it “right”. I wonder if it is pleasing to Him for us to thank Him when we have all we want, and shake our fists at Him when we don’t. I wonder if He is pleased when we sit idly by while those we know suffer. I wonder if He is pleased when we contribute to this beast that we’ve created when it comes to consumerism and Christmas.

I wonder. I don’t have answers…..these are things I’m trying to get a handle on, myself.

I spent last week thanking God for grief, as you probably read in my last post. Yes, I thanked Him for what I have. But one of the most sobering things I had to do this year, because I had NO CHOICE, was to thank Him for what I don’t have. Because I have been reminded that I need Him. Even in my lack of many things…..still I need only Him. Whether He gives me all those things my heart desires….I need Him. We need Him. Even when He is choosing not to “bless” us according to what the church in America thinks. We still need Him.

I guess what I’m trying to convey can be summed up in the following words, words that turn our thinking upside down…..words that my loving husband often reminds me of. As you experience the holidays, I hope you remember these life-changing words:

“And turning His gaze toward His disciples, He began to say, ‘Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh. Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and insult you, and scorn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man. Be glad in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven. For in the same way their fathers used to treat the prophets. But woe to you who are rich, for you are receiving your comfort in full. Woe to you who are well-fed now, for you shall be hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you shall mourn and weep.’” Luke 6:20-25

Thankful.

2009-11-10T14:00:00.000-08:00

Grief.

I have written so much about it since December of 2007. To you, that may seem so long ago. Almost two years. So much has happened since then. My lil' baby was only three years old. The future looked so bright to me then. It seems so far away because the time since then has been so hard without her, yet at times it seems so close, because I remember her so well. I remember having just let go of the burden of worrying about My Momma. For those of you who don't know, she had dealt with cancer, and recovered fully from having a kidney removed a couple of years before. I had worried so much about that coming back, and just a couple months before that December, she had another surgery that ended successfully. I had finally, FINALLY gotten to a point that I literally told God, "Thank you. I feel like I don't have to worry about her anymore. Thank you for taking care of her. Thank you for keeping her here and healthy." That was actually my prayer at around 7:50 that evening, just as I rocked Dylan to sleep.

Minutes later was when we got the phone call.

Trust me, there have been moments that I was so ANGRY at God. There still are. There are so many questions. Why her? Why now? Why couldn't my son, who loved her more than any child I've ever seen with his Grandmother, get to know her for many years to come? Why won't she be able to be here when we have the rest of our children? WHY?.......

She ended up giving her final breath on the day of one of my best friend's birthdays. In the middle of December, right in the midst of the Christmas season.

Darkness has hung around my family many moons since then. I cringe thinking of my Daddy being here without her. They had been together since they were about fifteen years old. I think of my sister.....dealing with this as My Momma and Daddy's firstborn. I think of her grandchildren who adored her. I think of my husband, who was very close to her.

I'm no expert on grief, not by a long shot. I have learned that we DO need to grieve. I have learned that we can't pretend it doesn't exist. I have learned to be there for others in their grief, and NOT tell them to "get over it". I have learned to remember her life. I have learned that grief hurts. I have learned that when one doesn't deal with grief, it makes them bitter and angry, and often full of hate. I have learned that our Heavenly Father grieves alongside us. I have learned that grief NEVER goes away. It is carried, forever. I have learned that My Momma is grieved for not only by my Daddy, Sister, myself, but all of our family, and many, many more family members and friends. I have learned that the grief is SO BIG because the love shared was, and is, SO BIG.

This Thanksgiving season I am giving thanks for something a bit odd.
I am thanking GOD for GRIEF.
It hurts, it hurts to the core of my being. There are days that I remember everything all over again. There are days when Dylan is asking constantly, "When can I see my Nana?!!". There are nights when I just cry for no reason other than the fact that I can't call her on the phone. Because I need her, I need My Momma. I'm not even thirty years old yet. I have a five year old. I need HER. There are days when my husband wants to fix everything, but all he can do is hold me and say nothing. There are days I want to just scream because I still can't understand the reality of death. Death is not what we were meant for.....I think we Christians forget that sometimes. We try to mask our grief by calling it a beautiful thing. It's beautiful in God's eyes, yes...the death of His saints. THEY are reunited. BUT.....it's not pretty on our side. We were NOT meant to die. It's not supposed to be a beautiful thing to see our loved ones die. It is beautiful for THEM.....but it's not supposed to be this happy event on our part. It will be fixed one day...But that's a whole other subject, for another time.

I am thanking God for grief this year, and I will continue to do so. Because you see, in those dark moments of despair, in the deep grieving of my soul, I remember My Momma. I remember WHY I am hurting. I remember why there's a big emptiness in our family year round. I remember why there are odd silences when her name is mentioned. I remember why there's even more of an aching during birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. It's because I love her. She was and is loved by our family. It's because life is THAT GOOD. Life was that GOOD with her here. Her laugh. Her smile. Her telling me, "Everything will be alright". God was in those moments. God is in the business of giving life. And GOD IS IN THE GRIEF.
And even in my grief, I thank Him. Because without the grief to remember every moment I had with her, I'd forget.
And I don't want to forget her.
I want to remember.

Grief is what I'm thankful for this year.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you for the grief.

Life.

2009-11-01T18:11:00.000-08:00

I was doing the dishes as I heard a blood-curdling scream coming from my little boy. I was wondering what in the world could have happened, I had just walked out of the room to do the dishes while he was viewing a movie about an adorable little puppy. What could have happened in five seconds?!?!?!? I turned the water off, and darted around the corner to him, only to find him standing up and screaming and crying as if someone was yanking his arm off. I asked as quickly as I could....."Baby, what is it!?!? Tell me, what is wrong......what's wrong, take a breath.....". He was heartbroken. He finally cried out, "They hurt him! Those bad guys hurt the puppy's little friend. Momma, they hurt him!". His new favorite T.V. pup had made a puppy friend.....and in the movie, some burglars hurt the little pooch.

So we sat down and I held him as he cried and tried to make sense of what just happened. He just kept saying, "Momma, I'm okay, I'm not crying.....I'm okay. I'm not sad and I'm not crying...". He was saying all this through his tears. It was as if he was ashamed of feeling his own feelings. We had a very long talk. I was trying hard not to cry, myself! We talked about how it was just a movie. But I also told him that whenever he is happy, Mommy and Daddy are happy with him. Just as when he is sad, Mommy and Daddy are sad along with him. We talked about God feeling things with him, too. I told him that God has given him a gift, he has a very caring heart, and he sees the GREAT importance of life. He also sees the importance of feeling for others as they hurt.....

A few minutes later as I was holding him, he said, "Mommy, I was lying to you when I said I wasn't sad. I was very sad, I'm sorry for lying."

I wanted to get the point across to this tiny little human that God made us to live in community. He made us to celebrate with one another. He made us to grieve with one another. He made us to go through the mundane with one another. He made us to feel with one another. He made us to feel FOR one another. I didn't want to see a day when my son didn't care so much for another living being that it hurt him to see life being taken away. I want him to know that what he feels, God feels, too.

(When I use the phrase "life being taken away"....I am talking more than murder. I'm speaking of the life sucked away from poverty....or from doing nothing about it. I'm talking about the life stripped away from an individual due to harsh and hateful words. I'm talking about the life taken away when people objectify one another. I'm talking about the life stripped away when The Body doesn't step up and do Her job to those in need....whatever that need may be.)

Don't undermine the pain someone you know is going through. I could write for days on the hurtful words I've heard from God's own children regarding the grief I've endured through losing my Momma. But I won't. That's not about this. I want to talk about the other side of humanity.

I want to remind you that there are people who care. There are little Dylan's who grew up and still care about the power of life. There are people like my husband who love everyone they comes across in a self-sacrificial way, even those who treat them disgustingly. There are people like Hilarie who care deeply and stand by their best friend through the storms that come her way. There are Krystles who end up going to the doctor because they have sympathy pains for their grieving best friend so badly that they manifest into physical symptoms. There are Kelis that come visit and constantly pray and do random favors for her dear friend. There are people like my sister and her husband who do MANY things for their loved ones that go unnoticed by many. There are Jils who send their close friend a bragbook filled with precious memories from the years past. There are Elizabeths who are constantly thinking of her friend when she has grief of her own to carry. There are friends who come along and pick up the pieces of a family that was hurt beyond belief by God's people. There are friends that stick closer than a brother. They are still here. I promise you that.

The next time you see someone hurting, DO NOT close your door and pretend they aren't hurting. That absolutely WILL NOT make the hurt leave. Do something. If we're teaching our children to "Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.".....are we doing the same thing?

I'm thanking God tonight for those that love Him enough to follow Him, to serve Him and His children.....even when it's hard and uncomfortable.....and requires them to think of someone else before themselves.

"Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth."
-I John 3:18-

Comfort and Hope.

2009-10-18T15:38:00.000-07:00

Where laughter is heard in abundance
And love is given by all around-
Where hate has been defeated,
buried deep into the ground.

In a place where leaves don't fall
And the flowers never fade,
In a place where hunger is no more-
And there's comfort in the shade.

Where pain is non-existent
And every soul has been set free.
Where joy and singing fills the air-
That's where I want to be.

My heart cries out for healing,
My soul cries for deliverance and security.
I'm hoping against hope that
Life will show us a sweet release.

The poverty that's on each doorstep
Has been carried away by love...
And the tears we've shed have been answered for
Nothing but sunshine from above.

There's no need for a springtime,
For winter and death won't ever set in.
There's love and acceptance, not hate and exclusion,
For His church learned how to love again.

There is no room for darkness,
Death is beaten by His empty grave.
Loved ones are all gathered 'round,
That's where I want to stay.

J.N.S. October 18, 2009

"Help me, O LORD my God; save me according to Your lovingkindness. And let them know that this is Your hand; You, LORD, have done it." *Psalm 109:26-27*

2009-09-28T20:06:00.000-07:00

I admit that in my darkest hour, I doubt God. I cringe to even admit that. In just a handful of months, it’s amazing how life can mess with a person. I’m not talking about when we choose to live in sin, and things fall apart. (Though I, like I’m sure you are, am all too familiar with that…..but this is a different kind of falling apart.) I’m talking about the falling apart that happens around you, and you have absolutely no control over it. I’m talking about the falling apart that happens as a result of those claiming to follow Him. I’m also talking about death, which I think most of us have experienced. There has been a lot of change in our family lately, those of you close to us know all about it. I say that to say this. There are others grieving. There are others I love dearly, grieving for many reasons different than what I’m dealing with. I wrote this tonight on the heels of getting a text message from my husband yesterday. I really needed to hear this from him. Lately I have felt like evil around me has won. EVERYTHING around me tells me that. But I needed to remember that IS NOT the case. I needed to remember that even though things are so chaotic right now, GOD IS WITH US. I needed to remember that even though some things in our future seem so uncertain....that doesn't mean all hope is dead. And if you are going through something dark…..Remember. Thank you, my love, for reminding me of this. You inspired this poem. These are a few of the words Darryl wrote to me that started this very post……

“Things don’t need to stay like this…..We need to imagine the world that Jesus talked about and lived out constantly. And we need to believe that He is very much at the center of and entirely within that world of peace, love, care, justice, and compassion. He’s with us.” -My Love-

“I Remember”

I’m picking up the pieces now and
Trying to move on.
I’m living like You’re with me,
Even though it seems you’re gone.

I’m refusing to believe the hurt
That’s been handed to my heart.
I’m leaving behind this desert place…
Ready for a brand new start.

I’m not sure where You will take me
But I’m hoping to heal.
Though it seems you may be a fantasy,
I’m remembering that You’re real.

I will remember You through a broken heart,
I will remember you through the grief.
I will remember that You are my hope,
I will trust You for my relief.

I will remember You through the tears shed
I will remember You through the pain.
I will remember that though I lose all things,
I have Your Kingdom to gain.

I will choose to forgive the evil
Though it has ripped me to the core…
And even though there’s no apology,
I will forgive all the more.

I will remember You, though around me
Darkness seems to have won…
I will live as You said to live…
As though Your Kingdom has already come.

Jessica N. Schafer
September 28th, 2009

2009-08-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

What good is love if it's
something we don't live?
What good is forgiveness if
It's something we don't give?

What good is abundance
If we will never share?
What good is honesty
If we're only putting on airs?

What good is integrity
If we hide our sin behind closed doors?
What good is compassion
If we don't give it anymore?

What good is friendship
If judgment and jealousy get in the way?
What good is encouragement
If it's something we never say?

What good is edification
When we're busy tearing others down?
What good is our faith
If we've buried it in the ground?

J.N.S. 08-26-09

"...but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people."
-I Thessalonians 5:15-

Uncovering. And Cheap Subsitutes.

2009-08-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

I sat in my home the other night, after serving dinner to my family. Seated were my husband, my Daddy, my babylove, and myself. We sat there eating at the dinner table that sat in My Momma’s and Daddy’s home for years…..eating off of the dishes they’d had since the eighties, I’m sure. I love them, they’ve got sunflowers in the middle, and they make me smile….simply because they were hers. Then I walked into the living room and sat on the furniture that was also in my parents home for many years. It is a heartwarming feeling to know I have many of My Momma’s belongings. In a way, it makes me still feel a little “connected” to her. Honestly, looking at that kitchen table was a hard thing for me. It’s such a beautiful table and it has ceramic tiles on the top……I remember many meals at that table. But for almost a year and a half, I didn’t see it. I had it covered with a tablecloth, because it was just really hard for me to look at, I didn’t want to be reminded of what had happened. Then several months ago, the table was uncovered.

No particular reason, just one day I decided I wanted to look at it. So it’s here, uncovered. Maybe one day I’ll have enough nerve to let you know everything that happened. After all, life is made up of all of our stories, the good and the bad.

All these thoughts have been flooding my mind lately. In a world where grief is covered up, ignored, or minimalized…….I’ve learned many things about people. I’ve learned many things about myself. As wonderful a thing it is to have my Momma’s belongings, to be her daughter, to know the love shared between us, our whole family…….it is still NOT HER. I could “pretend” I’m okay…..that after a year and a half, I’ve “checked off the list” of what is required of those dealing with grief……I could tell you exactly what you want to hear….”I’m fine!! I’m happy, and life goes on.” BUT, that wouldn’t be the truth. That would be a cheap substitute. I could cling to all My Momma’s things…..hold them dearly…..but it’s not her. She and I will be reunited one day…..just as Christ and his Bride will be reunited. I will always speak of her, remember her, think of her, tell stories about her…..I think there is MUCH honour in that. The Body of Christ, the Church, is not only those living today…..it’s all those through history, and all those that are living, and all those that will be born…….there is honour in remembering our loved ones. There is truth in that. There is freedom in that.

We are never told to ignore reality. We are never told to “pretend” things are fine. We are never told to go through this life alone. We are never told to cover up what we’re going through. As a matter of fact, the Scriptures point us directly opposite of that. We’re never asked to ignore our pain and our hurts. We’re never asked to “Be strong, hold it together, and just smile!”. We’re told if we are going to choose to follow Jesus, to be LIKE him. He was compassionate. He mourned for those He loved. He mourned with those who mourned. He, Himself…JESUS….prayed to the Father. He kept company with those in need. He kept company with those whom nobody else wanted to keep company with. He loved…and loves. He, Himself said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4) He wept. He is the God of comfort, of hope, of love. He hears the cries of the poor, needy, and oppressed. (Psalm 72:12-14) He is the God who wants us to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. (John 4:24) He is the God who keeps our very tears. (Psalm 56:8) But if we’re keeping parts of ourselves from Him…..and from others…..how will we truly be able to worship Him? If we NEVER see ourselves as needy. If we never cry out to Him. If we can make it through each day, each milestone, each moment, each joy, each tragedy, each triumph, each valley, each mountaintop without Him, and without ONE ANOTHER…..then what is this life for? How can we expect to be LIKE HIM when we never are even HONEST with Him, ourselves, or each other? How can we BE the Church when we’re divided, reclusive, unloving, and unwelcoming? How can we usher in the Kingdom of God when we won’t live through this life together, in community, and in love? How can we usher in His kingdom when we’re too busy building up our own? How can we share in this life with one another if we remain closed off from one another? I was telling a friend the other day that one of the most comforting things in the world is to have someone just there with you when you’re going through a hard time. Just to have someone there, not judging, not pointing a finger, not offering advice…..merely there as comfort….merely there to maybe cry with us……that is showing God’s love. I hope we’re not settling for any cheap substitutes. There is freedom in living in community, bearing with one another through whatever is happening around and within us. “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15)

What part of ourselves are we keeping from Him? What are we keeping from one another? He knows, yes. He always knows. He knows our very hearts. (Psalm 139:1-4, Acts 15:8) But just as we hope our children come to us with every need, just as we hope we can wrap our arms around them when they are hurt….whether it’s a small hurt or a big hurt…..and do we not LOVE to be their comfort? Do we not LOVE encouraging them, loving them? Do we not, ourselves, hurt WITH THEM? Why would we expect any less from Our Father in Heaven? Why would we deprive ourselves of our VERY NEED FOR HIM? Why would we deprive ourselves as living as we’re supposed to be living---in community? “Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2) “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden…” (Matthew 11:28).…….He told us to come. That is all we NEED to do…..simply come. And before we can come, we need to recognize our great need for Him…everyday, in every moment. We NEED HIM, and we NEED ONE ANOTHER.

A choice.

2009-08-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

I can’t get the following words that Jesus said out of my head lately, “..’You shall love the LORD your GOD with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ “ -Matthew 22:37-39

This is something I try daily to instill into my son. He’s four, granted, but there’s a lot one can teach a four-year-old….and there’s also a lot a four-year-old can teach us. Anyhow, I’ve been deeply disturbed lately. Because I’ve been trying to make sure my son “gets it”. You know, that he understands that over and over and over and over again in the Scriptures, we’re taught to love one another. We’re taught to love one another, regardless of what people look like, what income they have, how old they are, and whether they are family, friends, enemies, or strangers……we’re taught to love. Repeatedly, we’re taught to love. And Jesus even spoke of the importance of this. I guess I’m disturbed because it’s a pretty sobering thought to realize that I’m teaching my son to love EVERYBODY….and I know full well that the world he is a part of is FULL of so much hate. Hate, that is…not just in the “world”….but in the church as well.

I mean come on, let’s be honest. I’m sure as you read this you can think of several people who have NOT shown love to you, and I’m sure you can think of several people that you have NOT loved. We were created----every single person that has breath in their bodies-----were created in His image. What I’ve seen throughout my life, though, is that it gets pretty easy to look at an individual, or a group of individuals, and forget their humanity. It becomes easy for some people to forget that the person or people they are hating are HUMAN. And once you stop seeing any individual as a human, as someone’s son or daughter, as someone’s husband or wife, as someone’s brother or sister…..it’s easier to stop loving them. And especially when people hurt us, right? It’s VERY easy to loathe those who hurt us, or those who hurt our loved ones. And oh, how we can find any little excuse to hate……”But what they did was evil….they haven’t changed…..they’ve done this over and over again…..they never have apologized…….”. But we forget those words of His….”Love your enemies..”. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we are to be doormats and enable those we love to step all over us, because that is NOT love, when we constantly let others abuse us in anyway, that is a perversion of love…..that’s a whole other subject.)

And yes, I know I’m being very preachy……..with good reason. I have seen so much hate in the church, it’s pathetic. I have seen those who are called to walk in love instead walk in hate, and judge others constantly. I see it in those who are not part of the church. I used to see that in myself. I still see it almost everyday. Why is it so hard for humans to love one another?

Someone told me a story the other day about how her husband has experienced racism many times by others, and even lost his job, because he is Hispanic. In America. In the year 2009. Seriously? I have never been able to wrap my mind around treating a person differently because they look different than I do. It’s baffling. And it’s pretty pathetic. I know of a person who has been told the most hate-filled jokes regarding racism during Sunday School. In the HOUSE OF GOD. I have heard Christian people tell the most racial, vulgar jokes regarding our President's race in the last several months.......Why is it easy for us to hate one another? She hates him because he's not the "right" political party. He hates them because they're too "liberal". They hate those other guys because they're covered in ink head to toe. She hates her because she's jealous. He hates them because the lifestyle they live is just wrong. They hate the other guys because they're not in agreement about abortion, or gay rights, or healthcare.....And the hate goes on and on until a Doctor is shot. Or someone is attacked at a town hall meeting. Or someone's dignity is stripped away. Or a relationship is shattered. Or a war is started. Why is hate spread so much quicker than love?

We have a choice to make. Everyday, with how we treat one another. With the very words we use or don’t use with one another. With how we treat our spouses, our children, our friends, our enemies…..we have a choice. Pro-life means so much more than what many think. Pro-life means pro-HUMANITY. It means loving every person that draws breath into their lungs. It means loving those who disagree with us on every single issue. It means loving those who are VERY hard to love. It means loving those that Jesus gave his very life for.....which was everybody. We can bring about His Kingdom while walking in love for one another, or we can surely bring about Hell while walking in hate. What choice will we make?

2009-08-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

"I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please - not enough to explode my soul or disturb my sleep, but just enough to equal a cup of warm milk or a snooze in the sunshine. I don't want enough of him to make me love a foreigner or pick beets with a migrant worker. I want ecstasy, not transformation; I want the warmth of a womb, not a new birth. I want a pound of the Eternal in a paper sack. I'd like to buy $3 worth of God, please."

-Wilbur Rees-

2009-07-30T13:21:00.000-07:00

STILL HONEYMOONING.

I realize I posted this picture at the end of last month. I really like it. Sue me. ;)

Marriage is a beautiful thing. I love being married. So much that I couldn't even begin to describe it to you if I tried. I'm not sure if there's a word to explain the "love" between my husband and myself. But I do know this; God is love. It all starts with Him. I know that my husband loves me so much because he is constantly showing me. LOVE IS A VERB. We see that in the Cross and the Resurrection. Love always puts the other's needs ahead of it's own. Love doesn't treat any human like an object. Love is wonderful.

When My Love and I were going through a class for engaged couples and newlyweds, we were all asked a question, "How long will your honeymoon be?"....I immediately said, "We'll always be on our honeymoon, it will never end!!" Admittedly, I'm a bit of a cheese, but I meant that. It is such an honour for me to be able to spend the life I've been given with my husband. And it's because he knows how to love me.......and only me. And YES, we're still on our honeymoon.

2009-07-22T12:42:00.001-07:00

There are many people who do what's right when everyone's looking, and do what is completely wrong when they are alone--whether it be something with their actions, inactions, words, or even their own thoughts. Should we do what is right simply out of fear? Because we're afraid of what would happen if we got caught? Should we do what is right because someone has manipulated us into it? Should we do what is right because "Momma says so".....or is there more to it? I think about this so much as a Mother. I want Dylan to do what is right because he wants to, because that is what is in his heart. I want him to do what is right because he loves God, and he loves the people God created. I don't want him to do the right thing because he's afraid Momma and Daddy will catch him and send him to time-out, or take his toys away for a brief time. I don't want to manipulate him into doing what is right, because if I do that, what happens to him when he's a grown man? I talk about this stuff with him many times throughout the weeks. Yes, he's only four years old, but he thinks an awful lot. And I want him to understand that God loves him, and that is reason enough to do the right thing---even when nobody will know the difference.

Do we do the right thing? Do we ALWAYS do the right thing, or do we do what is the EASY thing? Do we want to do the right thing out of fear? Do we want to do the right thing because we think we deserve a medal for doing so? Do we do the right thing because we're self-righteous? If these are our reasons, then trust me, they won't last. Eventually we will find out that those reasons are not good enough to base one's life on.

Christ didn't take the easy road. If He had done what everyone else wanted, He couldn't have accomplished all the things He was sent to earth in the flesh to do. But He still did the very hard things, the things that cost him friends, brought scrutiny, and cost Him His very life.

Have you been doing the right thing? What is your motivation? Fear, self-righteousness, or LOVE from God, and for Him, and all whom He created?

"Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that's wrong is to get caught." ~J.C. Watts

"The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out." ~Thomas Babington Macaulay

"...but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people." -I Thessalonians 5:15b

"We love, because He first loved us. If someone says, 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also." -I John 4:19-21-

*If you're wondering why I picked these particular verses, it's because everything hinges off of love. LOVE IS A VERB. God SHOWS his love for us, He doesn't just tell us. So in the same way we should understand His love, so we can ACTIVELY love Him, ourselves, and one another. That is when doing what is right comes easily to us, though it may not be the easy thing to do, we shouldn't have to think twice. It will happen automatically when it comes from a place called LOVE.

2009-07-16T11:27:00.000-07:00

IT'S NEVER EASY.

We were NEVER promised that life would be easy. We were also never promised that we'd have an abundance of friends and family with us through the hard times. Sometimes it's just lonely. Sometimes there's nothing we can do about it, though we try with all our might. Sometimes life is full of storms, and it has nothing to do with what you have or have not done. If you've experienced a time like this, or are right now, I hope you're as encouraged by these verses as I am. There are times in life when one doesn't need anything but another warm body to listen to them, to cry with them, to sit silently with them through the storms that may last longer than expected. These are the times when God's children should not show you judgment and scorn, but instead; comfort, understanding, and hope............

"But God, who comforts the depressed,..." -II Corinthians 7:6

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." -Romans 12:15-

"Jesus wept." -John 11:35-

"For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ." -II Corinthians 1:5-

"...Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" -Job 2:10b-

"In the day of prosperity be happy, but in the day of adversity consider---God has made the one as well as the other so that man will not discover anything that will be after him." -Ecclesiastes 7:14-

"Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both good and ill go forth?" -Lamentations 3:38-

"Trouble and anguish have come upon me, yet Your commandments are my delight." -Psalm 119:143-

"My soul weeps because of grief; strengthen me according to Your Word." -Psalm 119:28-

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." -Psalm 27:13-

"In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried to my God for help; He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry for help before Him came into His ears." -Psalm 18:6-

".......You have been the helper of the orphan." -Psalm 10:14b-

"He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark." -Psalm 91:4-

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." -Matthew 5:4-

"Casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." -I Peter 5:7-

"This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil," -Hebrews 6:19-

"Come to Me all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28-

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33-

"Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap, if we do not grow weary." -Galatians 6:9-

"For I hope in You, O Lord; You will answer, O Lord my God." -Psalm 38:15-

"And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You." -Psalm 39:7-

2009-07-08T18:45:00.001-07:00

THINGS SOMETIMES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL
MY BREATH CAN BE TAKEN AWAY
SO GOOD IN EVERY ASPECT,
IN THAT MOMENT, I WISH I COULD STAY.

BEAUTY IN A KISS FROM THE
SWEETEST MAN I KNOW,
BEAUTY IN THE FRESH SMELL OF RAIN
AND AFTERWARDS THE RAINBOW.

AND THEN SOMETIMES LIFE SEEMS
TO TAKE A TURN AROUND
IT SEEMS LIKE I CAN’T GET MY HEAD
OUT FROM UNDERGROUND.

DEATH HAPPENS, TRAGEDY COMES
IN SO MANY WAYS TO SAY
SO MUCH HURT I’VE SEEN AROUND ME
SOMETIMES I SEE IT EVERYDAY.

I CRY, I HURT, I MOURN,
AND WHEN THAT TIME PASSES, I SEE
THAT SO MUCH HURT IS AFFECTING OTHERS,
AND NOT ONLY ME.

SO I WAIT, I PRAY, I CRY
FOR THE DAY TO ARRIVE
WHEN EVERY PERSON AND EVERY LIVING THING
WILL BE GIVEN BRAND NEW LIFE.

AND IN THE DAY I HOPE FOR,
DEATH WILL HAVE NO SAY,
TEARS WILL BE WIPED FROM THE ONLY ONE
WHO WILL NEVER GO AWAY.

POVERTY WILL VANQUISH,
HORRIBLE THINGS ALL DISAPPEAR,
NO MORE WORRIES ABOUT ANYTHING,
BECAUSE OUR MAKER WILL BE HERE.

EVERYTHING BROKEN WILL BE FIXED
IN THE BLINKING OF AN EYE.
NOTHING HERE IN THIS WORLD CAN DO THAT-
EVEN AS HARD AS I MAY TRY.

SO MANY THINGS I COULD HOPE IN HERE
A DOCTRINE, A JOB, A CAUSE, A MAN…
BUT THEY ALL SEEM SO EMPTY
WHEN I SEE MY LORD’S OUTSTRETCHED HAND.

SO AS LIFE KEEPS HAPPENING AROUND ME,
THE JOY, THE PAIN, THE SORROW, THE GLADNESS,
I’LL REMEMBER THAT HE SAID ONE DAY
HE’LL TAKE AWAY ALL THIS MADNESS.

JESSICA SCHAFER
April 18, 2008

2009-07-04T09:55:00.000-07:00

I won’t pretend I have the answers,
For You know how clueless I am.
I’ll just keep holding my arm out,
Letting you lead me by the hand.

I won’t pretend that I’m not hurting while
I’m living through sorrow and doubt…
But I will keep coming to you,
While life is so hard to figure out.

I won’t find another substitute to make
Myself feel better for a little while…
I will continue to lay myself at your feet
I will not let myself live in denial.

I will keep hoping though everything
In life sometimes seems full of despair…
I’ll keep asking You to come and act,
I’ll keep giving You every care.

Though things may spiral downward,
And loneliness is always near,
I’ll keep holding onto hope in You…
I’ll keep trying to let go of fear.

Though I’m told by others, and often myself
That it’s foolish to trust in You…
I’ll remember the truth of Your Word,
And that I’m nothing without You.

And though your children may continue to hate,
Though they bring no comfort, hope, or peace,
Though they may keep tearing down Your works,
I’ll trust in You for both mine and their release.

Though it seems today that Your followers
Are spreading nothing but disunity and hate,
I’ll still pray for them--myself, included-
Because I know with You, it’s never too late.

Even when there are days I feel a very little piece
Of what Job felt years ago…..
I will keep hoping in You, My Lord,
You’re the Only One who really knows.

Though I come to you empty-handed
With nothing at all but myself to give,
I’ll keep waiting on you to deliver me,
For it’s because of You that I live.

J.N.S. 07-04-09

2009-06-28T17:18:00.000-07:00

Six years ago my life changed.

My husband and I became one. On that day, I never believed I had any room left to love him any more than I already did.....but I was mistaken. I love him more today than I did then. He makes me laugh. He loves me so intensely, so whole-heartedly, so lovely. He loves me not with just mere words....but with his very being, his whole self. He loves me even when I am not so lovely to him. My heart is so full, so satisfied with this man that God gave me. We wake up everyday, and enjoy our marriage, our family. Life has brought many heartaches, beyond our control....especially over the last year and a half in dealing with The Great Sadness. He has been my soft place to land when I needed comfort and encouragement....when I needed someone to just hear me cry. I LOVE YOU, Darryl. I have many nicknames for you. But my favorite one is "My Love."

Ephesians 5:25 reads: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her"

This man has loved me in such a way, everyday, without question. My Momma loved him so much for a reason. My Daddy told me when we first started dating that he'd been praying that God would send me my husband, and that he'd be a godly man. Thanks, Daddy. Your prayers were heard.

Happy anniversary, My Love. Loving you comes so easily.

2009-06-21T13:18:00.000-07:00

HAPPY DADDY DAY!!

Depressed One.

2009-06-16T14:01:00.000-07:00

This post is for anybody, young or old, single or married, with or without children.....any person who has or is dealing with depression. Whether it's been brought on by a death, loss of a job, divorce, loss of a friendship, loss of a relationship, tragedy, postpartum depression, or even if you have no idea why.......I want to share some things with you.

Someone I love very much told me just several weeks ago that she felt "stupid" for even being depressed. She feels stupid that she has to take medication for her depression. (Which, by the way, sometimes some people need medication for a while.) She feels that since she's a Christian, she shouldn't be depressed.....but in reality, it's other people......GOD'S CHILDREN.....who have made her feel stupid. They may have told her things like "well, if you know God, he wants you to be happy......well, just keep on the bright side, and you'll get over it........are you sure you even KNOW the Lord, because maybe if you did you wouldn't be depressed...". (Which makes me want to scream out loud, because those things aren't true!!!) She's done nothing wrong. She is hurting, she is very discouraged, she is sad, she is lonely. This has been heavy on my heart for sometime now. It has made me think about everyone else who may be feeling these same horrible feelings about themselves, on top of already being depressed, which is such a hard thing, itself. For my friend that I love dearly, and anyone else who is burdened with carrying this, these words are for you.

* You're not stupid. You're not useless. You're not alone. You're not "less of" a Christian. (what an oxymoron)

You're going through something that needs to be dealt with. It may be easy for a time to push depression aside, but it will be much harder to deal with later if it's not dealt with now. You may even feel like you're a "loser" if you even entertain the notion that you're depressed. But sometimes, it happens. You may be depressed for a long time, or for a short time.....but you are not alone.

I want you to know something, God is with you. Though He may even be the one you're angry with, He is with you. I do NOT think He thinks you are a failure for being depressed. I encourage you to read the book of Psalms. Lamentations. There are more verses than I could even list that would bring comfort and hope to you through these dark times. Jesus, himself, said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4) II Corinthians 7:6 reads, "But God, who comforts the depressed,.....". If we are told in His word that those who are mourning or depressed are comforted........are we really to assume that He sees those same people as failures? Are we really to assume that He's comforting those that need it, but thinking, "You know, you should really get over it, keep your head up, think about positive things, just smile...."??!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! One of the ladies in our Bible study said something that has stuck in my head for weeks now. She said when we're going through hard things in life, people may say, "Well, look at all the good things you have.".....but that doesn't fix the problem!!! She said that sometimes in life, there will be things happening that are so bad, the good probably won't outweigh the things that the person are depressed about. And I think she's onto something. Think about it. If I were to lose both of my legs and weren't able to walk, telling me, "Hey, Jess, you still have your arms!".......I'm not sure that'd make me that happy. And you'd better be glad I didn't have legs to run after you after telling me something that insensitive!!! :) I doubt that when Christ was carrying that cross a long time ago, that God was telling him "Pick your head up, things could be worse!". Isn't that what we do? Come on, I'll admit that there are times I've done that. Sometimes it's too hard to talk about the horrible things going on in someone's life, so we try to let them see the good. And yes, there's something to be said for that, but it hardly EVER brings lasting comfort or hope. A very wise lady here at my church, who now has great-grandchildren, told me a story that still sends chills down my spine. She and I were talking about grief, and how many people in the church are insensitive to other people's grief. She said she had a friend who had a miscarriage years ago. Her sweet child was no longer here anymore. MANY people told her things like, "Well, at least you have your other kids!......well, maybe something was wrong with the baby, so.........". I couldn't believe that!! I had a hard time even typing those words, let alone knowing they were told to a grieving Mother! And times like that, comments like that, told to people hurting for whatever reason, are where the loneliness begins, the depression sets in. To people who are hurting, they need comfort. They need hope, yes....but comfort. Jesus, himself wept. If THE LORD, the One who created everything and everyone, wept with those whom He loved, ....why don't His children do this more often? My friend, whatever it is that has you down, you are not alone. You are not worthless. You are loved. And Jesus, Himself, says you are comforted.

Sheila Walsh, one of my favorite authors and speakers, has a book titled, "The Heartache No One Sees". (It is a great read, I highly recommend it.) She talks about Job, and how his friends weren't really his friends during his time of grieving. We read in Job that his friends were there for him for a period of time....and then when he started speaking up about his pain, they immediately started pointing the finger of blame at him. They pretty much said things to him that insinuated maybe HE did something wrong.....SURELY God was punishing him, otherwise things would be going better. IN HIS PAIN. IN HIS MOURNING. IN HIS DEPRESSION....the very ones he hoped would comfort him only rubbed more salt into his wounds. I have been there before, many times. I am sure you have, too.....or you know someone who has.

Hurting one, alone one, mourning one, grieving one, angry one, hopeless one, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. The book of Psalms tells us that He keeps our very tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8), that is how precious we are to Him always.....even in our hurting, yes, even in our depression. Talk about what you are feeling. Even if, like Job, nobody else will listen, HE WILL. We are to come before HIM in truth. All the time, even when things are dark and seem hopeless. If we don't START off in truth when we come to Him, when we gather with one another, how in the world do we expect to end up in truth?

People can be REALLY good about rejoicing with those who are rejoicing....but let's not forget the other part of that verse......."Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15

If you are depressed, relish in His comfort. Hope in Him. Don't look for a quick fix, trying to ignore the reality, or some band-aid that temporarily "fixes" you. He is our Hope. No matter your situation, or how you got there, whether you did it to yourself, or life has simply happened around you.....HE is your hope. And depressed one, He says He comforts you.

2009-06-08T18:17:00.000-07:00

*Quotes from my babylove from today.*

“Dylan, look at all those cows!! I wonder why they’re all meeting together?!? Do you think they’re saying they’re in a bad mooo-oooood?”….he responded, “Hey, Mommy! I bet they’re having a deacon’s meeting!” (Can you tell he’s a Pastor’s child? haha)

“Wouldn’t you rather go to Incredible Pizza instead of the zoo, since it’s so hot today?”…..after thinking for a moment he proclaimed, ”No, Mommy, I’m really cold right now, and I need to be warmed up, so we should go to the zoo.” (It was 90 degrees today……..I doubt he was cold, but he sure is clever.)

“Mommy, you’re just the greatest mommy, greater than all the other mommies!.........Are you gonna cry now, since I said that?” (Because I usually cry when he tells me something sweet.)

At the zoo today: “Look, the storks!!! Hi, storks!!!! Thank you soooooooooo very much for taking me to my Mommy and Daddy!! Thank you!”

2009-06-01T19:39:00.000-07:00

"Daddy, you have the longest, most magnificent arms ever!"

That is what my handsome lil' son exclaimed proudly to his Daddy today. He has no idea how right he is. You see, I FULLY agree. For more reasons than one. Lately, for many reasons, marriage has been at the forefront of my mind. I've seen a lot, watched loved friends go through a lot of hurt in their marriages, my Biffuh got married two months ago, another close friend of ours is getting married next month, and sadly, I watched my Daddy lose his best friend, his lover, not even a year and a half ago. Lately, we've had the honour to talk with a couple of our dear friends who are marrying one another this weekend. Also, my giant husband and I will be celebrating six amazing years of marriage this month. So you see, marriage keeps coming up.

I say all that to say this; life can carry a lot of hurt. So much that it is IMPOSSIBLE to carry alone. We are called, children of God, to bear one another's burdens. We read in the New Testament to rejoice with those who are rejoicing and weep with those who are mourning. If there has ever been a husband that does this very thing, I can say without hesitation it is my wonderful husband. He has watched me go from this bubbly, super-excited, not able to stand still, smiling all the time woman to what seems to be a little girl of ten again.....carrying burdens that I haven't chosen to carry, yet they've been placed in my life for reasons I'll never know. Everyone, I'm sure, can understand burdens like this. And those arms of his, those loving arms have been the ones that have held me up when I didn't have my own two feet to stand on. The comfort he has shown me, and I'm sure will continue to show me because we all know grief comes in spurts throughout life, has been beyond what words can describe. I can honestly say I don't know where I'd be today if I didn't have him to lean on through what I've lived through over the past year and a half. Marriage. It can be so wonderful. I am so thankful for this man, who gives me heavenly glimpses, for lack of a less-cheesier term, of my Lord.

My love, my best friend, the one who has been so comforting to me.....you DO have "the longest, most magnificent arms ever." I need those arms.

2009-05-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

What bliss there is in not dealing with reality.

My wonderful little babyboy had such a wonderful relationship with his Nana. Nobody, to this day, could make him light up like she did. He had just turned three when The Deep Sadness happened. So, of course, he hasn't been able to understand yet what is going on. He still wants to call her, he still prays for her everyday, he still says "I miss Nana" on a daily basis. Soon he'll inevitably learn reality. For now, he's able to fly through these tender years of his life, not having to carry the grief that has fallen on the rest of us.

What a wonderful thing. There are many days that I wish I could just "turn it off". That I could just pretend nothing happened, that My Momma is still here. That I could just shove all the grief, sorrow, and mourning into a neat little box and tuck it away. That I could just consume myself with the busy-ness of life and never have to deal with what has been handed to me. I could. I've wanted to many times. Many people do this, and for a time....it may work. But one day, we have to live through what it is that God has placed us in. It may be today....it may be twenty years from today. But we will.

Two of my greatest faults in any kind of relationship I have are being too trusting and being too transparent. I give my heart away so freely....and many times, I end up getting hurt. I have learned throughout life that I have to guard myself. I have had to apologize to myself for that. But being too trusting and transparent with My Lord, I WILL NEVER apologize for. It's how I am. It's how He made me. I have been face to face with sorrows beyond belief many times over the past three years....the main one being losing My Momma. And ignoring the realities around me would definitely have put me in an awful place by now. I thank God for listening to me. I thank Him for listening to me complain, cry, mourn.....and for allowing me to actually worship Him through my complaint!! WHAT?!?!? Yes, I said it. From what I read in scripture, Old and New Testament, beginning to end.......I have NO IDEA why people think it's just an abomination to complain to our Lord. Read the Psalms. Read the Old Testament. Read the New Testament. Look at Jesus' life!!!

I find comfort in knowing I can offer my hopes, my dreams, my mourning, my complaining, my sorrows, my joys......everything to My Lord. I believe He finds it good. He made me, He knows me. Why hide?

There is still this mindset within the church of America that "well, if you just work hard enough........or.........if you just think good thoughts.......or say good things........good will happen". Don't buy into it. First of all, it's not even Biblical. (HELLO.....look at Jesus' very own life!) Second of all, what many American Christians live for nowadays, what we see as "Gawd-s hand blessin' us"....Christians in other countries will never see. Some even here will never see them. Those things, whatever they may be, are not our hope. Sorrows will probably happen. Death is a promise in this life. (Though the next one, it can't touch us!! AMEN??!?!) I refuse to ignore the realities that are around me. I will continue to love My Lord, to serve Him as best as I know how, to follow Him, to try and learn from Him everyday.......even if sorrow continues to abound. HE ALONE is my hope. Nothing here, no job, no thing, no person, no house, no idea, nothing else lasts.......HE ALONE is my HOPE. I will never try to find a cheap substitute that makes me "feel" better for a moment. Hallelujah, He is Hope.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ."
-II Corinthians 1:3-5-

2009-05-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

Being a wife and a momma never ceases to amaze me. I think I have learned more about the Lord through my husband and my son than I ever knew before I had them in my life. I have much to learn, but I cherish every moment He gives me, and I hope change happens when I learn....I also hope the lessons continue.

One of my favorite lessons was earlier this year. My husband had just given our precious little one a wonderful new toy. It was some Star Wars toy....and I'm quite sure my husband got it because it was more precious to him than it would EVER be to our son. Just about a day after that, I discovered the toy was already missing one of it's parts. I quickly told my son he'd better find that piece as quickly as he can, or Daddy would NOT be very happy when he got home!!!! I could see the tiny little wheels turning in his head.......he thought for just a minute. Then with the sweetest smile on his face he looked up and said, "It's okay, Mommy! I will just hide the toy, and then Daddy won't find out, and he won't be angry!". WOW. Now, understand, he wasn't trying to be mean, in his little heart, he was just trying to make sure Daddy was happy. This particular time, it came from a good place. I quickly explained to our sweet little son that he should never hide things from us, he should always be able to talk with us about anything, even if we may get angry about what happened. I then tried to explain to him that we should always do what is right, even when nobody is looking.

And I have yet to get that story out of my head. Who am I? Who are you? What lurks in the dark corners of our minds, what goes on behind the closed doors of our hearts? What thing or things are we keeping from others....even those closest to us? That, my friend, is who we are. Is that who we want to be? Is there something we are holding onto that compels us to stay hidden?

I hope as I ask myself these questions that I am answering them honestly. I hope that those things nobody knows about are being changed in myself.....in yourself. I hope that when I read Proverbs 15:3, it brings great comfort and hope, not terror and the urge to hide myself.

Who am I? Who are you?

"The eyes of the LORD are in every place, watching the evil and the good."

-Proverbs 15:3-

2009-05-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

**Conversations with my little Prince.**

*While I stared at him being silly in front of the big screen television, I said, "Were you staring at your bottom in the T.V.?"

He replied while laughing, "Yeah....you mean my butt!"...

"No, you don't use that word....."

Sensing he was in trouble, and quickly trying to fix it, he replied..."Oh, no, Momma, I meant the 'one-t' but!" (Yeah, right.....I'm sure you did.)

*Earlier this evening he came to me and said, "Momma, you're just the best mommy!!! Nobody else is a better Mommy, because you're just better than them all!!!"

I hope he always thinks that! :)

2009-05-09T17:48:00.000-07:00

I wrote this for my Momma the last Mother's Day we had with her in 2007:

What is a Mom?

Is a mom someone to come to when it’s food our stomachs
crave?
Or is momma the one who comes to us-reminding us to
behave?
Is a mom someone who holds us when we scrape a tiny
knee?
And is she the one who comes running when we scream out,
“M-O-M-M-Y!”?
Is she the one who used to tuck me in when I would cry at
night?
Then she’d come in and tell me, “Everything will be
alright…”.
She works all day and runs the house, a wife, a mom,
a cook,
But still finds time to clean it all-from every cranny to every
nook.
Is a mom that lady who, somehow, can always make me
smile?
Is she the one who always says, “Come sit with me a
while.”?
Is a Mom someone I aspire to be more like
everyday?
From the way she laughs, to how she thinks, or something she may
say?
I think she’s the one who may get mad, but she’s always quick to be
kind,
She’s poured so many years into this tiny, little
mind.
She’s the one who’s given me so much more than I
recognize-
Not only the manner in which I speak, but my attitude, my heart,
my eyes.
She’s all these things, my best friend, and more special than she
knows-
Lord, help me show her everyday how much I love her
so!
By: Jessica Nicole Schafer
May 12, 2007

Part two.

2009-05-05T13:41:00.000-07:00

Since I talked about the SUFFERING, now what? What about when the suffering doesn't stop? I had already told myself back in December that 2009 would be such an WONDERFUL YEAR. It had to be, right? I mean, after all the junk, the heartache, the sorrow......SURELY God will show mercy and let me have some happy times in 2009!! RIGHT?!?! Well.......not so much. In fact, MANY things have fallen apart since New Year's Eve. Not just with my family, but with many dear, dear friends of mine. WHY!?!?! "But God, I thought.....I thought THIS year would FINALLY be happy!?!?!?"

So, WHAT NOW? Prolonged suffering. And Waiting. Waiting for Him to deliver me. What do I do in the meantime? What if the suffering lasts many more months......what if (GULP).....my life is FULL of deep sorrow and grief until my very days here are over? Hard pill to swallow, that's what I've been thinking about. HOPEFULLY, that will not be the case. HOPEFULLY, I will get to BE IN the Promised Land, and not just SEE IT. That is my hope, but there is NOT a person who can answer that, only the LORD knows. So, I've been asking myself. "Jessica, WHAT IF this is to be the story of your life?". And you know what, yesterday I got a little piece, not the whole picture, but a little piece of hope. A little piece of what to do, you know, in case "WHAT IF" turned into a reality.

All my life I have been told of the LORD's lovingkindesses. How they never cease, they're new every morning. Lamentations tells us of this, a huge picture of Hope. We even have songs about it..."Great is Thy faithfulness....Morning by morning, new mercies I see...". (For me, lately I've been singing it "mourning by mourning".) Did you know the English language doesn't have an equivalent for that Hebrew word? His "lovingkindness" in Hebrew is such a good word, a loving word about God, we didn't have a word to fully describe it, so we called it "lovingkindess". WOW. That's good stuff. I learned that in my college days. ;) Didnt know you'd learn something here, did you? Haha. Moving on.......so I'd been thinking about His lovingkindness.....and how I'd been waiting on Him, MY DELIVERER to show up....how I've been wanting to see some more of this lovingkindness. So, I opened up that Bible, and I went looking. And do you know what? I found something. Let me share. Please read this first, because I don't want you to miss it.......

"I am the man who has seen affliction Because of the rod of HIS wrath........He has broken my bones.......In dark places He has made me dwell.......Even when I cry out and call for help, He shuts out my prayer........He has turned aside my ways and torn me to pieces.......He made the arrows of His quiver to enter into my inward parts.......My soul has been rejected from peace, I have forgotten happiness. So I say, 'My strength has perished, and so has my hope from the LORD.' Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me. This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." -Lamentations 3:1-23NASB- (excerpts from)

Did you catch it? I never did until Sunday. I was able to find even more Hope to cling to when I did. For the writer, what brought hope? Did God come down and change all his circumstances? Did God audibly tell him He would "fix" everything? Did the brokenness change, did the suffering stop? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! But, we read, "This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease......". Nothing changed, there was no change in what was happening around. He remembered the Lord's lovingkindnesses. He remembered His compassions never failing. He remembered His faithfulness. And if you've read the rest of that chapter, we find even more hope. But YET, we're reminded of this...."Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both good and ill go forth?" -Lamentations 3:38NASB-

That was the shift in thinking for me, in hoping, in my "theology"....which, thanks to my old professors I learned our theology should always be changing and growing.....never stay where it is. You see, I was freed from that thinking that I can hope in Him and rejoice in Him and worship Him whenever He comes to deliver me. Because what IF he doesn't come in this life, for me? What if MY deliverance will be the end, when we're all reunited with Him? Like I said before, HOPEFULLY that will not be the case. But if so, I learned the other day to lift up my face, look ahead, yet still look back and remember. Remember the suffering, remember the sorrow and the grief, remember the dire circumtances God has placed me in.....yet alongside that, remember Him. I learned to remember that I can't change what's going on around me, but I can change me. (Please don't misread, there are times in one's life when SIN is the reason for the suffering, they need to repent and stop the sinning.....but sometimes the suffering has nothing to do with that. It just happens. Look at Job, and hellooooo, JESUS!!!) But I can let Him change me. I can look back and remember Him, my Hope. I have to hope in Him even when NOTHING AROUND ME HAS CHANGED. Because if I don't, sorrow wins. Death wins. Loneliness wins. Grief wins. But if I just remember, though all around is the same.......I know that CHRIST has already won. And THAT is HOPE.

Part one.

2009-05-05T13:07:00.000-07:00

So, I've been thinking. Ever do that? Gets me in trouble sometimes. ;)

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO GRIEVE WITH ONE ANOTHER??

Looking back on the past fourteen months, I've learned a ton. More than I could ever write on a little ol' blog. But I DID want to share a few things. I want to talk about SUFFERING. I want to talk about PAIN. Now, before you click to another blog, please stick with me. I am FULLY aware that many people do NOT want to read about hard times in another's life. I mean, why worry about someone else when you have ENOUGH of your OWN WORRIES?! And, in our society, in AMERICA....we often think that if someone is enduring prolonged suffering, it MUST be their own fault, either they're living in SIN, or they're simply NOT TRYING hard enough. I have had MANY a "friend" talk with me about how maybe I'm stuck in a hard place because God's trying to "teach me a lesson" or I'm not "trying hard enough"....I've even been told to "get over it". As disheartening as it is to hear someone say those words to me, I'm sure I'll continue hearing the same stuff from people who have good intentions....however, good intentions aren't always good.

Okay, back on point. I want to talk about something in this post, and continue on with the next post when I get the chance to get it all out successfully. MANY people say while enduring hard times, "Well, I know God will never give me more than I can handle...". Where in the Bible does it say that? If it DOES say that, I am FULLY UNAWARE OF IT. I know some use I Corinthians 10:13....but that verse is talking about God making a way for you when you're being tempted. Not suffering.

So.....where do we get this idea? Beloved reader, whoever you are, could it be that indeed WE ARE given MORE than we can handle sometimes? What if God often does give us such a huge load to carry because he WANTS US TO COME TO HIM? "Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest. Take MY yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easey and My burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-30 NASB-

I can't get Job's story out of my mind. I have thought about that story over and over again through the past fourteen months. The tragic circumstances with my Momma were one of many things I've been going through. I remember Job. I remember how he still said "Blessed be the name of the Lord" though he lost everyone he loved. I remember how his "godly" friends were the VERY ONES pointing at him telling him SURELY he has done something wrong to be living through such hard times.....the very friends he needed were the ones quick to judge him instead of be there for him. I remember so much of his story. AM I JOB? No. I am Jessica. BUT, is not life a mixture of all our stories in history? Was not the Bible written for us to learn from and draw comfort from? That is what has comforted me lately. I can say, with all my heart, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD." -Job 1:21b NASB- Though we never forget sorrows, we have to move on.......BUT, ignoring reality will NEVER bring true healing.

Read the Psalms. They're filled with complaint. Almost all of them are filled with complaint WITH Hope, though. (Though I wonder about Psalm 88.) I have learned that God knows my heart, HE alone knows my sorrows, what I've seen, what I have endured, what I will endure.......and HE is BIG ENOUGH to hear my complaints. He is the VERY ONE who is in charge of what's happening around me. He listens. He comforts. He doesn't condemn me when others do. He knows. He always knows. I have learned, as a very wise Professor of mine spoke of, to worship him THROUGH my complaints. Why pretend with Him? Why push aside reality with Him? HE KNOWS!! Oh, what comfort I have been able to experience through my questions to Him, my anger, my loneliness, feelings of betrayal.......through staring death in the face.......through one thing after another falling apart.......what comfort in knowing HE IS WITH ME. And HE KNOWS and DELIGHTS in my honesty with Him.

And you who are reading, HE KNOWS. He knows your struggles, your pain, your worries, your doubt, your fears, your loneliness, your depression, your sadness, your frustrations, your sorrows, your grief.......He Knows. He wants you to bring it to Him.

More next post.

2009-04-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

*I LOVE THIS THING!!!!!!!*

I've been tagged by Tiaras & Tantrums. (Great blog, go check her out!) Thank you, girl! I hope you don't mind I modify it to "7 Things"......everyone knows my obsession with 7. Here goes.

7 Things I'm looking forward to:

1. The Ladies' Retreat I'm going on soon.

2. Figuring out our Homeschool curriculum for the fall.

3. Having a bajillion more babies. (Okay, maybe just a million.)

4. Kissing the baby I have, all day, every minute. (Really, I do...just ask him. ;)

5. Kissing my husband, and a date with him soon...its' been too long!

6. What God does with our family in the near future.

7. Getting some hummus at the store soon.....I love hummus. Hummus with pita chips, and cherry pepsi=heaven to me lately. :)

7 Things I did Yesterday:

1. Drank plenty coffee.

2. Drove out of town with the family. (Love it when my man gets to go!)

3. Said bye to my Daddy who'd been here visiting. :( Hate it when he leaves.

4. Homeschool.

5. Got the bean measured for a tuxedo for an upcoming wedding.

6. Ate some AWESOME spoonbill....first time we'd ever had it. Our sweet friends had us over, Darryl helped our friend go fishing for these last weekend, and they were HUGE!!!!!!! (I'm such an Ozarkian now.....)

7. Visited with some good friends. And missed the friends that don't live near me!!

7 Things I wish I could do:

1. Start an orphanage.

2. Start an orphanage.

3. Dye my hair red.

4. Lose a million pounds.

5. Go to New York and Los Angeles.

6. Take my baby to Disneyworld.

7. Start an orphanage.

7 Shows I watch:

1. The Office.

2. Scrubs.

3. Supernanny.

4. the end. (Sorry, can't watch much T.V. with bunny ears!!!.....and these that I do watch I watch online....)

7 People I tag:

1. Sister.

2. Krysbina

3. Benecca

4. Andrea

5. Sarah (though she may not have time with her new baby!)

6. Jessica

7. Vicki

2009-04-21T11:32:00.000-07:00

A letter Dylan wrote....(not sure why my computer turned it sideways.....)

First time Fishin' with Daddy. He'd been before, but this time he got to actually fish. (He caught seven fish!)

Dylan and Daddy coloring the Easter eggs.......

All dressed up for Easter Sunday!

Making lots of Easter goodies with Momma....

2009-04-14T19:49:00.000-07:00

YOU KEEP TELLING ME NOT TO WORRY
I KEEP TRYING MY BEST TO TRUST,
NOT LETTING MY HEART BE TAKEN OVER
BY WANTING MATERIAL THINGS OUT OF LUST.

YOU KEEP SAYING YOU’LL DELIVER
THE NEEDY WHEN THEY CRY…
YET I’VE BEEN HERE WAITING…
AND EVERDAY WONDERING “WHY?”.

I KNOW YOU ALWAYS KEEP YOUR WORD
I KNOW YOU WILL ANSWER ME
AND I ALSO KNOW ALL I CAN DO
IS SIT AND WAIT PATIENTLY.

I’VE PUT MY TRUST IN THINGS BEFORE,
IN OTHER PEOPLE, MYSELF, AND MY PLANS…
BUT THE LESSON I KEEP LEARNING
IS JUST TO LET YOU HOLD MY HAND.

“BUT LORD, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND-“
AT TIMES I’VE CRIED OUT TO YOU…
AS IF YOU DIDN’T, YOURSELF, CREATE ME-
AND MAKE ALL THINGS AND PEOPLE NEW!

“I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE-
I GIVE UP!” I’VE CRIED BEFORE.
BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT’S NOT
THE WAY I CAN BE ANYMORE.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I DON’T KNOW!
AND IT’S OKAY TO BE HERE NOW.
IT’S OKAY TO TRUST YOU HAPPILY,
AND NOT KNOW THE “WHY’S AND HOW’S”.

IT'S EVEN OKAY TO HOPE THOUGH SO MUCH
DESPAIR IS STILL LINGERING AROUND...
SOMETIMES YOU DO YOUR BEST WORK
WHEN MY HEART IS SO CLOSE TO THE GROUND.

EVEN THOUGH OTHERS MAY FAIL ME,
AND IT SEEMS LIKE YOU HAVE, TOO...
I'LL REMEMBER YOU SAID THAT ONE DAY
YOU WILL MAKE ALL THINGS NEW.

THOUGH THINGS AROUND MAY BE HOPELESS,
AND LONELINESS AND DEATH ABOUND HERE...
I'LL REMEMBER YOU SAID YOU COMFORT THOSE
WHO ARE MOURNING, AND I WILL NOT FEAR.

EVEN WHEN THE FUTURE SEEMS HOPELESS,
IT’S A GOOD THING TO TRUST IN YOU-
IT’S GOOD TO KNOW, LORD JESUS,
THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO.

SO I STAY HERE-IN THE WAITING PLACE.
I MAY BE HERE FOR YEARS OR DAYS.
BUT I WILL DO MY BEST TO FOLLOW YOU, JESUS
AND LET YOU TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.

JESSICA SCHAFER-JULY 4, 2007
*with added lines April 14, 2009*

“HOW LONG, O LORD? WILL YOU FORGET ME FOREVER? HOW LONG WILL YOU HIDE YOUR FACE FROM ME? HOW LONG SHALL I TAKE COUNSEL IN MY SOUL, HAVING SORROW IN MY HEART ALL THE DAY? HOW LONG WILL MY ENEMY BE EXALTED OVER ME? ……. BUT I HAVE TRUSTED IN YOUR LOVINGKINDESS; MY HEART SHALL REJOICE IN YOUR SALVATION. I WILL SING TO THE LORD, BECAUSE HE HAS DEALT BOUNTIFULLY WITH ME.” *THE PSALMS*

2009-04-08T11:00:00.000-07:00

EASTER PEOPLE, SING OUT LOUD.
EASTER PEOPLE, HOPE IN ME.
EASTER PEOPLE, DON’T FORGET
ALL THINGS WILL BE NEW IN ME.

EASTER PEOPLE,YOU CAN LOOK AROUND
AND SEE THE SUFFERING, PAIN, AND TEARS…
DON’T JUST FOLLOW ME, I’VE CALLED YOU
TO JOIN IN MY WORK THROUGHOUT YOUR YEARS.

IT’S IN ME THAT YOU WILL FIND LIFE
YOU’LL FIND HOPE IN MY COMFORTING VOICE,
REMEMBER THAT EVERYDAY I GIVE YOU,
EVERY MOMENT YOU HAVE A CHOICE.

WILL YOU LOVE THE LOWLY?
WILL YOU TAKE CARE OF THE POOR?
WON’T YOU COMFORT THOSE WHO HURT,
WON’T YOU BE AN OPEN DOOR?

WILL YOU LOVE OTHERS THE WAY I LOVE YOU?
SO MUCH THAT IT CHANGES YOUR INNER CORE?
DON’T LOVE THROUGH ENABLING OR SELF GRATIFICATION,
YOU CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE.

I LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO CHANGE YOU,
YOU CAN’T KNOW ME AND STAY THE SAME.
STOP SAYING AND START DOING,
AND DO IT ALL THROUGH MY NAME.

YOU SEE IT’S MUCH BIGGER THAN YOU THOUGHT,
I CALLED YOU OUT TO DO MY WORK….
SITTING IDLY BY IS NO GOOD…
DON’T JUST SIT THERE AND SHIRK.

I LOVED YOU WITH MY WORDS, INDEED,
BUT I LOVED YOU WITH MY ACTIONS, TOO…
DON’T FORGET THAT YOUR WORK ISN’T DONE,
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

SO EASTER PEOPLE, REMEMBER
THE REASON YOU’RE STILL THERE…
TO CARRY A CROSS TOGETHER AND SHARE
THE HOPE I GIVE TO PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.

J.N.S. April 7, 2009

Kid Questions.....(from my Facebook page)

2009-04-03T11:41:00.000-07:00

1. What is something Momma always says to you? Ummm..I love you!

2. What makes Momma happy? When I kiss and hug you before you leave sometimes…(Although I never go anywhere!!)

3. What makes Momma sad? When I don’t eat what you give me.

4. How does your Momma make you laugh? You do jokes.

5. What was your Momma like as a child? Ummm…You liked “Don’t break the Ice”

6. How old is your Momma? I don’t know…49?

7. How tall is your Momma? Nine pounds.

8. What is her favorite thing to watch on TV? You like to watch Scrubs

9. What does Momma do when you’re not around? You just have fun.

10. If your Momma becomes famous, what will it be for? When God gives you to me.

11. What is Momma really good at? Ummm…Playing games with me.

12. What is Momma not very good at? You’re not very good at Hungry, Hungry Hippos.

13. What does Momma do for her job? Umm…to take care of me!

14. What is Momma’s favorite food? Weight Watchers. (haha, can’t tell by looking at me!)

15. What makes you proud of your Momma? Eating all your food!

16. If your Momma was a cartoon character, who would she be? Batman

17. What do you and your Momma do together? We have fun together!!

18. How are you and Your Momma the same? We’re not the same.

19. How are you different? Our voices are different.

20. How do you know Momma loves you? Umm…because God gave me to you!

21. Where is your Momma’s favorite place to go? You like to go to Springfield.

2009-03-31T13:38:00.000-07:00

LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO SOME OF MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD'S NUGGETS OF WISDOM......

"GUARD-STEMMER"-THAT'S ANY LONG, GOOD STICK HE CAN FIND OUTSIDE.

"GUARD-STEMMING"-THAT'S WHAT HE DOES TO THE GROUND.....STILL NOT SURE WHAT IT IS. MAYBE HIS WAY OF GARDENING.

"SMACKIN' IT UP"-OH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW ALREADY? SURELY YOU'VE HEARD OF THIS. HE TAKES HIS "GUARD-STEMMER" AND DRAGS IT ALONG THE GRASS, THUS THE TERM "SMACKIN' IT UP".

"MOLE-HOLE DIGGIN'"-SELF EXPLANATORY.

"FORKIN' IT UP"-USING A FORK TO THROW SOMETHING, ANYTHING UP INTO THE AIR.

I'M SURE YOU'RE ENLIGHTENED NOW.

2009-03-29T12:42:00.000-07:00

THE LONELINESS WILL NOT LAST MY CHILD,
THE TEARS WILL SOON CEASE.
JUST COME TO ME AND BE YOURSELF,
AND YOU’LL FIND SWEET RELIEF.

A TRUER FRIEND YOU’LL FIND NOWHERE ELSE,
NO OTHER CAN LOVE YOU LIKE I CAN.
JUST COME TO ME, BE HONEST, BE TRUE,
AND LET ME TAKE YOU BY THE HAND.

IN YOUR DARKEST MOMENTS,
I’VE NOT LEFT YOU, I’VE BEEN THERE.
I’VE SAID I’LL NEVER LEAVE YOU, LOVE,
I’LL BE WITH YOU EVERYWHERE.

I KNOW THE DARKNESS SOMETIMES LASTS
SO LONG, LIKE IT WILL NEVER END…
BUT TRUST ME, KEEP ON WAITING FOR ME,
I’M THERE JUST AROUND THE BEND.

SOME HAVE BEEN GIVEN SWEET LIVES,
SOME HAVE BEEN HANDED MANY SORROWS…
BUT I NEVER PROMISED HAPPINESS, ONLY HOPE,
THAT’S WHAT WILL GET YOU THROUGH EACH TOMORROW.

SO THROUGH THE HOPELESSNESS, KEEP HOPING,
THROUGH THE LONELINESS, STAND STRONG…
KEEP TRUSTING IN ME WHEN IT SEEMS TO YOU
THAT I’M DOING IT ALL WRONG.

KEEP YOUR EYES FIXED ON ME, CHILD-
NO OTHER WILL BE ABLE TO OUTLAST.
JUST TRUST ME, I HAVE YOUR FUTURE,
YOUR PRESENT, AND I ALSO HOLD YOUR PAST.

IF YOU’RE ANGRY WITH ME, I CAN HANDLE IT.
IF YOU’RE SAD, COME TELL ME WHY.
BECAUSE NOT ONLY FOR THE WORLD, BUT FOR YOU, TOO,
DID I RISE AFTER GIVING MYSELF TO BE CRUCIFIED.

DON’T LOOK TO THE LEFT, NOR THE RIGHT,
STAND FIRM IN MY WORD, AND ME…
KEEP DOING, LOVING, FORGIVING, TRUSTING,
FOR IN ME, YOU’LL ALWAYS BE FREE.

J.N.S. March 29, 2009

2009-03-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

I WROTE LAST WEEK’S POST BEFORE READING THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER OF THE BOOK I’LL BE QUOTING. I, WHICH I’M SURE YOU HAVE, HAVE SEEN SO MUCH TRAGEDY IN LIFE. SOME OF WHICH PEOPLE HAVE BROUGHT ON THEMSELVES, AND SOME THAT HAVE JUST HAPPENED, REGARDLESS OF WHAT PEOPLE HAVE DONE. IT’S A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW. THE ONE THING WE CAN’T DO, AS I WROTE IN THE PREVIOUS POST, IS TURN OUR HEADS AND IGNORE REALITY. THOUGH IT’S EASIER, WE KNOW IN OUR HEART OF HEARTS THAT CHRIST DID NOT CALL US TO A LIFE OF “EASY”. AT OUR LADIES’ BIBLE STUDY, WE’VE BEEN READING THROUGH N.T. WRIGHT’S BOOK “FOLLOWING JESUS; BIBLICAL REFLECTIONS ON DISCIPLESHIP”. IT’S AN AMAZING READ. IT POINTS YOU TO BOOKS OF THE BIBLE SUCH AS COLOSSIANS, REVELATION, JOHN, AND SEVERAL OTHERS.

I ALMOST CRIED WHEN I READ THE FOLLOWING PARTS OF THIS BOOK. THEY ARE TAKEN FROM CHAPTER SIX TITLED “A WORLD REBORN; REVELATION”. WHAT HE WRITES ABOUT IS WHAT I’VE BEEN SEEING IN THE CHURCH OVER THE PAST FIFTEEN MONTHS. IT IS PERSONAL. I HAVE SEEN IT, LIVED MUCH OF IT, AND SEEN WHAT HE TALKS ABOUT SO MUCH IN THE CHURCH, AS A WHOLE.

“Easter is all about the wiping away of tears. In our fear of terror and joy, we have forgotten the purpose of tears. We have become embarrassed by them—and with good reason, since they are a God-given reminder of the truth which our culture, as much as any communist propaganda, has done its best to make us forget: that we are neither naked apes nor trainee angels, but humans, made in the image of God. Which God? The God who stood and wept at the tomb of his friend; the God who fell down and sobbed in the garden of Gethsemane. We have deemed tears to be childish, whereas in fact they are childlike; and Jesus told us to be childlike. We have allowed our proper dislike of emotionalism to deceive us into trying to ignore our emotions. But if Good Friday and Easter don’t stir our emotions, then the tyrant has indeed enslaved us. We have become like a garden paved over with stone slabs. Many people live like that; God help us, many of us even choose to, rather than face the terror and the joy of our own hearts, let alone of Calvary and Easter.” (page 58, Wright)

AND THAT LAST PART, “MANY US US EVEN CHOOSE TO…”, THAT IS WHAT I’VE SEEN RUN RAMPANT THROUGHOUT THE BODY OF CHRIST. YOU SEE, NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRY TO TURN IT OFF, IT’S STILL THERE. THE WIDOW. THE ORPHAN. THE FRIENDLESS. THE LONELY. THE HUNGRY. AND EVEN THOSE WHO STAY IN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, BECAUSE THEY’VE DECEIVED THEMSELVES INTO THINKING THEY HAVE NOBODY TO TURN TO. THE THING IS, AS BELIEVERS, WE CAN’T TURN A DEAF EAR TO REALITY. WITHOUT GETHSEMANE, THERE IS NO CALVARY….AND WITHOUT CALVARY, THERE IS NO GETHSEMANE. THERE IS ANOTHER SIDE OF GOD, THE TERRIBLE, AWESOME SIDE OF HIM THAT SO MANY OF US HAVE CHOSEN TO IGNORE. WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE DIED WHEN THEY SAW THE LORD? BECAUSE HE WAS A SWEET LIL’ MAN WHO SHOWED NO POWER? BECAUSE HE WAS ONLY MEEK AND HUMBLE, WITHOUT AN AMAZING, FEARFUL SIDE? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

“But with Easter we have hope; because hope depends on love; and love has become human and has died, and is now alive for evermore, and holds the keys of Death and Hades. It is because of him that we know—we don’t just hope, we know—that God will wipe away all tears from all eyes. And in that knowledge we find ourselves to be Sunday people, called to live in a world of Fridays. In that knowledge we know ourselves to be Easter people, called to minister to a world full of Calvarys. In that knowledge we find that the hand that dries our tears passes the cloth onto us, and bids us follow him, to go to dry one another’s tears. The lamb calls us to follow him wherever he goes; into the dark places of the world, the dark places of our own hearts, the places where tears blot out the sunlight, the places where tyrants pave the grass with concrete; and he bids us shine his morning light into the darkness, and share his ministry of wiping away the tears.” (pages 61-62, Wright)

READER, THIS IS WHAT OUR FAITH IS. CHRIST CALLS US TO JOIN HIM, NO MATTER WHETHER WE “FEEL” LIKE OPENING OUR EYES TO HIS TRUTHS, OR NOT. A WISE PROFESSOR OF MINE ONCE SAID, “DO WE REALLY MEAN IT WHEN WE SING, ‘OPEN THE EYES OF MY HEART, LORD, OPEN THE EYES OF MY HEART.’”…….WHAT IF HE DOES? WHAT IF HE OPENS OUR EYES TO OUR OWN REALITIES, TO THAT OF OUR NEIGHBOR’S, OUR TOWN’S, OUR COUNTRY’S, OUR WORLD’S….? WE HAVE A CHOICE. JOIN HIM, OR IGNORE HIM. AS MY SWEET HUSBAND PREACHED SEVERAL DAYS AGO, “FAITH IS NOTHING WITHOUT FAITHFULNESS, AND FAITHFULNESS IS NOTHING WITHOUT FAITH.” THERE IS A HUGE CANYON BETWEEN “KNOWING” AND “DOING”. I HOPE THAT AS THE BODY OF CHRIST, WE CAN TRULY BE EASTER PEOPLE MINISTERING TO A WORLD OF CALVARYS. LIVE LIKE YOU BELIEVE IT; EASTER IS COMING!!! IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE, EASTER IS ALWAYS COMING. LET US JOIN CHRIST IN WHAT HE HAS CALLED US TO DO.....NO MORE EXCUSES.

2009-03-11T08:51:00.000-07:00

"I DON'T KNOW THE SUFFERING OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE MY FRONT DOOR,
I JOIN THE OPPRESSORS OF THOSE I CHOOSE TO IGNORE-
I'M TRADING COMFORT FOR HUMAN LIFE,
AND THAT'S NOT JUST MURDER, IT'S SUICIDE..
AND THIS, TOO SHALL BE MADE RIGHT..."

*DEREK WEBB'S "THIS TOO SHALL BE MADE RIGHT"*

IT'S SCARY TO ME HOW EASY IT IS FOR CHILDREN OF GOD (MYSELF INCLUDED) TO TURN AWAY FROM THE HURT, THE NEED, THE SUFFERING, THE PAIN, THE LONELINESS.......TO UTTERLY SHUT OUR EYES TO WHAT WE KNOW IS HAPPENING OUTSIDE OUR FRONT DOOR.

THERE IS A FAMILY MOURNING THE LOSS OF THEIR LOVED ONE. THERE IS A FAMILY NOT ABLE TO GET GAS MONEY TO TRAVEL TO COLLEGE TO TRY TO BETTER THEMSELVES....SO THEY STAY POOR, NOBODY TO HELP THEM. THERE ARE WOMEN WHO ARE STILL WONDERING IF THEY'LL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEIR HUSBANDS, WHOM CONTINUE TO BE UNFAITHFUL TO THEM. THERE IS A LONELY WIDOW. THERE IS A GIRL WHO IS WONDERING WHERE ALL HER FRIENDS ARE. THERE IS A MAN DEALING WITH A DEBILITATING SICKNESS, AS HIS WIFE AND SON SIT BY AND WISH GOD WOULD HEAL HIM. THERE IS A GIRL WHO WONDERS IF HER HUSBAND WILL EVER TRULY LOVE HER AS HE'S SUPPOSED TO, BECAUSE SHE DREAMS OF HAVING HIS CHILDREN. THERE IS A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS WIFE IS AN ADULTERESS, BUT STAYS ANYWAY, "FOR THE KIDS". THERE ARE THOSE NOT ONLY OUTSIDE OUR COUNTRY, BUT HERE, IN THIS "GREAT COUNTRY OF AMERICA" WHO HAVE NO SHELTER, NO FOOD, NO HOPE FOR THEIR CHILDREN WHO HAD NO CHOICE AS TO WHAT LIFE THEY WERE BORN INTO.

AND SO WE SIT HERE. WE CONTINUE TO CLOSE OUR EYES, BECAUSE IT'S EASIER. WE CONTINUE TO MAKE EXCUSES AS TO WHY WE DO NOTHING. WE JUSTIFY OUR OWN SIN, BUT HAVE A DARN GOOD WAY OF MAKING IT SOUND LIKE IT'S SOMEONE ELSE'S PROBLEM AND NOT OUR OWN. READER, UNDERSTAND, WHEN OUR EYES ARE OPENED TO WHAT IS TRULY HAPPENING AROUND US, IT BEGINS TO BE PARTLY OUR RESPONSIBILITY. NO, WE PROBABLY CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING. NO, IT'S NOT OUR JOB TO. BUT WE CAN DO SOMETHING. NOT ONLY THAT, WE SHOULD. WE CAN DEFINITELY PRAY. MAYBE JUST CALLING THAT PERSON AND GIVING THEM AN EAR FOR A WHILE. MAYBE GIVING GAS MONEY TO THAT WIDOW WHO HAS NOBODY ELSE TO HELP HER. THERE IS PLENTY WE CAN DO, IF ONLY WE CAN GET PAST OURSELVES AND OUR SILLY LITTLE EXCUSES AS TO WHY WE HAVE BEEN DOING NOTHING.

*BY THE WAY, EVERY PERSON MENTIONED ABOVE IS SOMEONE I KNOW, PERSONALLY. SURELY IF I KNOW OF THIS MANY HURTING PEOPLE, YOU KNOW AT LEAST ONE THAT YOU CAN LEND HELP TO. *

"AND HE SAID TO HIM, 'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.' THIS IS THE GREAT AND FOREMOST COMMANDMENT. THE SECOND IS LIKE IT, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.'" *MATTHEW 22:37-38*

"DO NOT WITHHOLD GOOD FROM THOSE TO WHOM IT IS DUE, WHEN IT IS IN YOUR POWER TO DO IT. DO NOT SAY TO YOUR NEIGHBOR, 'GO AND COME BACK, AND TOMORROW I WILL GIVE IT,' WHEN YOU HAVE IT WITH YOU." *PROVERBS 3:27-28*

WHO IS YOUR NEIGHBOR? AND NOT JUST THE ONES WHO LIVE NEXT DOOR. AND NOT JUST THE ONES YOU LOVE. YOUR ENEMIES ARE ALSO YOUR NEIGHBOR.

2009-03-07T19:36:00.000-08:00

"FOR HE WILL GIVE HIS ANGELS CHARGE CONCERNING YOU, TO GUARD YOU IN ALL YOUR WAYS." -PSALM 91:11-

HE WROTE A NOTE JUST FOR YOU TODAY,
YOUR GRANDSON WHO IS JUST FOUR.
HE DOESN’T QUITE UNDERSTAND THAT
HE’LL NEVER GET TO SEE YOU ANYMORE.

SOME DAYS ARE HARDER THAN OTHERS,
TODAY IS ONE THAT’S BEEN BLUE.
ACTUALLY, IT’S BEEN A GOOD YEAR,
MOMMA, I CAN’T STAND LIFE WITHOUT YOU.

THERE’S SO MUCH GOOD HERE, I KNOW.
BUT IT WAS BETTER WHEN YOU WERE HERE.
I NEVER THOUGHT I’D BE HERE WRITING
THESE WORDS, THAT YOU’D NO LONGER BE NEAR.

BUT I GUESS YOU’RE NEARER THAN I KNOW,
IN WAYS I SIMPLY CAN’T UNDERSTAND NOW.
I KNOW LIFE WILL KEEP MOVING ALONG,
BUT SOME DAYS I HAVE TO WONDER HOW.

I MISS THAT I CAN’T CALL YOU EVERYTIME
AND SHARE WITH YOU ALL THAT’S HAPPY,
I MISS THAT I CAN’T HEAR YOU CALM ME
WHEN LIFE BRINGS MORE TRAGEDY.

I MISS BEING ABLE TO HEAR YOU LAUGH
WHEN YOUR GRANDSON DOES THE CUTEST THINGS…
IT’S MOMENTS LIKE THIS WHEN I HAVE TO TRUST
THAT I’M BEING SHELTERED BY ANGEL’S WINGS.

AT TIMES IT SEEMS SO LONELY,
LIKE NOBODY’S THERE TO LISTEN TO ME.
I HAVE TO KEEP ON GOING, TRUSTING,
AND REMEMBER HE HAS NOT LEFT ME.

I WONDER HOW I’LL GET THROUGH ALL
THE MILESTONES IN THE YEARS AHEAD,
YOU’RE STILL ALWAYS THE ONE I WANT TO CALL,
BUT I’LL HAVE TO SETTLE FOR ANOTHER INSTEAD.

IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T HAVE ANYONE ELSE,
GOT A GREAT HUSBAND, CHILD, FATHER AND SIS.
BUT LATELY YOU’RE ALL I’VE WANTED TO
SEE, GOD HELP ME MAKE IT THROUGH THIS.

GOD HELP ME ON DAYS WHEN I’M LONELY.
GOD HELP ME WHEN ANGER COMES BACK.
GOD HELP ME WHEN I ASK THE SAME QUESTIONS AGAIN,
GOD PLEASE COME AND PICK UP THE SLACK.

GOD COMFORT ME, BECAUSE I CAN’T DO IT.
SOMETIMES WEEPING IS ALL I CAN DO.
GOD TELL MY MOMMA I MISS HER SO MUCH,
AND THAT I SAID, “I LOVE YOU.”

GOD HELP OTHERS WHO FEEL THIS PAIN,
WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND US WHO ARE HEAVY WITH GRIEF.
PLEASE WHISPER HOPE INTO OUR EARS AND HEARTS,
AND PLEASE SEND US YOUR SWEET RELIEF.

HELP US TO KNOW THE LONELINESS HERE
WILL VANISH ONE BEAUTIFUL DAY.
HELP US TO KNOW YOU KNOW HOW WE FEEL,
IN EACH AND EVERY WAY.

HELP US TO KEEP GOING, AS WE REMEMBER
THE LOVED ONES THAT WE MISS.
HELP US KEEP ENJOYING THE LIFE WE HAVE HERE,
AND REMEMBER IT WON’T ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS.

J.N.S. March 7, 2009

2009-03-04T12:54:00.000-08:00

TODAY, LORD, I DON’T FEEL SO GOOD.
PRETTY SEEMS SO FAR AWAY…
I DON’T SEE ANYTHING I LIKE,
NOT ONE THING, AT LEAST NOT FOR TODAY.

“MY CHILD, BUT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND,
YOU DON’T SEE WHAT I SEE IN YOU…
NOT ONLY DO I SEE GOOD ON WHAT’S INSIDE,
I THINK YOU’RE PRETTY ON THE OUTSIDE, TOO.”

BUT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, GOD,
I DON’T LIKE MY HAIR. NOR DO I LIKE MY FACE.
MY BODY’S HORRENDOUS TO LOOK AT TO ME,
MY LOOKS ARE NOTHING I’LL EVER EMBRACE.

“BUT SWEET DAUGHTER, HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED YET?
THOSE THINGS SIMPLY AREN’T TRUE.
AND STILL, LIKE I’VE TOLD YOU BEFORE,
I SEE SO MUCH BEAUTY IN YOU.”

I NEED TO LOSE A BAJILLION POUNDS,
I NEED MORE MAKEUP, AND LIPO, A NEW ‘DO.
I SIMPLY DON’T SEE ANYTHING GOOD AT ALL
WHEN I LOOK AT MYSELF, HOW DO YOU?

“YOU’RE MY CHILD, I SEE NOTHING BUT GOOD,
AND THE TRUTH IS SEEN THROUGH MY EYES.
JUST REMEMBER YOUR IDENTITY IS IN ME,
AND STOP BELIEVING ALL THOSE LIES!”

MY HUSBAND CONSTANTLY TELLS ME I’M PRETTY,
THAT NOBODY IS FAIRER THAN I….
FOR YEARS HE’S SAID THIS, BUT I STILL DON’T BELIEVE
HIM, PART OF ME THINKS IT’S A LIE.

I LOOK AROUND ME AND SEE SO MANY
WHO HAVE BODIES THAT I’D GIVE ANYTHING FOR.
I NEVER THINK I’LL BE MUCH TO LOOK AT,
THAT’S SOMETHING I KNOW TO BE SURE.

“MAKE A DECISION, MY SWEET LITTLE GIRL…
WILL YOU TRY TO REMEMBER WHAT I SAY?
I LOOK AT YOU AND SEE IMMENSE BEAUTY,
PLEASE TRY TO BELIEVE ME TODAY.”

J.N.S. March 4, 2009

2009-03-01T13:23:00.000-08:00

I’D BEEN LOOKING AT THIS DOOR
BUT IT SEEMED TOO FAR AWAY.
I KNEW I COULD REACH IT,
BUT JUST NOT THAT DAY.

THE DOOR WAS BEAUTIFUL TO ME,
HOW I LONGED TO JUST PEEK THROUGH,
BUT LIFE KEPT HAPPENING, SO MUCH PAIN,
AND I FELT I HAD NOTHING TO CLING TO.

A LITTLE BIT OF FAILURE,
AN AWFUL LOT OF DOUBT,
A HANDFUL OF ABANDOMENT,
SO MUCH OF THIS WAS HARD TO FIGURE OUT.

I’VE GIVEN MY HEART AWAY SO MUCH
TO PEOPLE I THOUGHT WOULD EMBRACE IT,
BUT NOW I WISH I COULD GO WAY BACK
IN TIME TO JUST ERASE IT.

YET ALL THE WHILE, THIS DOOR STOOD THERE-
IN THE MIDDLE OF MY HOME,
AND I JUST KEPT ON WALKING BY
AND FEELING ALL ALONE.

I’VE SEEN MORE DEATH THAN I CAN TAKE,
I’VE SEEN TOO MANY PEOPLE HURTING,
AND ALL THE WHILE INSIDE I’M FEELING
NOTHING BUT EXTREME YEARNING.

YOU’VE SAID I NEED TO BRING IT ALL
TO YOU, BECAUSE I CAN’T HANDLE IT ALONE,
SO I DO, BUT I KEEP ON COMING BACK
BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE SOMETIMES YOU’RE GONE.

AND THE DOOR IS STILL THERE AS
PRETTY AS BEFORE,
HOW I WISH I WOULD JUST REACH OUT
AND OPEN THAT GLORIOUS DOOR.

SO DAYS KEEP PASSING ALL THE WHILE,
AND NOW THEY’RE TURNING INTO YEARS…
ARE YOU STILL HERE FOR ME,
ARE YOU STILL SAVING ALL MY TEARS?

I DECIDED TODAY I WANT TO OPEN THAT DOOR,
THE ONE THAT IS BURSTING WITH HOPE INSIDE,
THE ONE THAT WILL KEEP ME HANGING ON
IN THIS LIFE, THE ONE FROM WHICH I CAN’T HIDE.

AND THOUGH LIFE WILL KEEP MOVING ALONG,
THOUGH THE BAD WILL STILL CREEP THROUGH,
I WILL ENTER THROUGH THIS DOOR OF HOPE,
THE ONE THAT LEADS ME STRAIGHT TO YOU.

J.N.S. March 1, 2009

2009-02-27T09:49:00.000-08:00

MY CHILD, I KNOW IT’S HARD RIGHT NOW,
I KNOW YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND
WHY THE LIFE YOU’RE LIVING IS SO TOUGH,
WHY IT’S EVERYTHING BUT GRAND.

I KNOW YOU WONDER WHERE I AM,
I KNOW AT TIMES IT SEEMS I’M GONE.
I KNOW YOU WANT TO SCREAM OUT LOUD
SOMETIMES, FROM FEELING ALL ALONE.

BUT I AM THERE, THOUGH YOU CAN’T SEE,
I’M WITH YOU THOUGH THINGS LOOK DOWN…
I’M WITH YOU THROUGH THE HEARTACHE
THOUGH IT SEEMS I’M NOT AROUND.

I KNOW ALL YOUR FRUSTRATIONS, YOUR FEARS,
YOUR WORRIES AND YOUR DOUBT…
AND I KNOW WHEN YOU SEE BADNESS ALL AROUND,
LIFE IS SO TOUGH TO FIGURE OUT.

THOUGH IT’S EASY TO STAY DISCOURAGED
WHEN LIFE KEEPS GIVING A SERIES OF BLOWS,
YOU HAVE TO KEEP TRUSTING, BE FAITHFUL,
REMEMBER I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY KNOWS.

I’M THE ONE WHO KNOWS THE “WHY’S” AND “HOW’S”
I’M THE ONE WHO KNOWS YOUR FUTURE WELL….
I’M THE ONE WHO HAS YOUR LIFE MAPPED OUT,
SO TRUST IN ME, I’LL NEVER FAIL.

REMEMBER, YOUR LIFE IS NOT A DESTINATION,
IT’S A JOURNEY UNFOLDING EACH DAY…
BUT YOU’LL NEVER REALLY KNOW TRUE LIFE
UNTIL YOU GIVE YOURS ALL AWAY.

J.N.S. February 27, 2009