WELL, CHRISTMAS IS OVER. SURPRISINGLY, AS MUCH AS I DREADED THE HARD MEMORIES I’D HAVE (WHICH I DID, OF COURSE) IT WENT REALLY QUICKLY. I’M NOT SURE HOW TO EXPLAIN THE LAST YEAR. IT’S ALL BEEN CLUMPED ALL TOGETHER, LIKE ONE BIG DAZE. I REMEMBER MOSTLY HURTING ALL YEAR LONG. IT’S ALMOST LIKE THERE’S BEEN THIS BIG CLOUD OVER MY HEAD, AND I’VE BEEN SHOUTING WITH ALL MY MIGHT FOR IT TO LEAVE, BUT IT REFUSES. THAT’S THE BEST WAY TO PUT IT INTO WORDS, AT LEAST. I DO WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING CLEAR ABOUT GRIEF, THOUGH. I KNOW THERE ARE A FEW THINGS THAT BELIEVERS ASCRIBE TO THAT ARE JUST PLAIN FALSE…. 1) THAT ONE SHOULD NEVER “FALL APART’ WHILE GRIEVING, THAT THEY SHOULD “BE STRONG” FOR EVERYONE ELSE…….DON’T EVER TRY TO DO THIS!!! IT’S NEVER THE ANSWER TO GRIEF. GRIEF IS A PART OF LIFE, BECAUSE DEATH IS A PART OF (THIS) LIFE. AND IT’S HARD, IT’S ROUGH, IT’S INDESCRIBABLY WRENCHING AT TIMES. DON’T FOOL YOURSELF FOR A MINUTE THINKING THAT “BEING STRONG” IS THE ANSWER…..STRENGTH DOESN’T COME FROM WITHIN, CHRIST IS OUR STRENGTH. LET HIM BE THAT FOR YOU. BECAUSE OUR STRENGTH RUNS OUT, HIS IS ALWAYS FULL.
2) THERE’S THIS UNSPOKEN RULE THAT AFTER A YEAR PASSES SINCE THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE, THINGS JUST START LOOKIN’ UP, THAT ONE’S GRIEF SHOULD BE OVER BY THEN. THIS IS SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH. DID JESUS EVER SAY, “WELL, AFTER 12 MONTHS, MY CHILD, THOU SHALT HAVE NOTHING BUT HAPPY DAYS AND THINE GRIEF SHALT CEASE FOREVERMORE…”??…….NO!!!!!!!!! HE KNOWS FULL WELL THIS IS SOMETHING THAT WILL BE DEALT WITH UNTIL THE END. THERE WILL NEVER BE A DAY WHEN ONE WILL BE SATISFIED IN LIFE WITHOUT THEIR LOVED ONES HERE TO LIVE AND LOVE WITH. THERE WILL BE HARD TIMES STILL, I’M SURE WHEN I’M 80 YEARS OLD (IF I LIVE THAT LONG) I WILL STILL CRY AT TIMES WHEN I THINK OF MY SWEET MOMMA AND HOW SHORT HER LIFE WAS HERE, AND HOW MUCH I MISS HER. AND AT THE SAME TIME, I’M SURE THERE WILL BE HAPPY TIMES TO COME.

I AM FULLY AWARE THAT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN IT’S HARD TO READ WHAT I WRITE ON THIS BLOG. I KNOW SOME PEOPLE MAY NOT EVEN WANT TO READ IT ALL, FOR IT’S QUITE SAD AT TIMES. BUT THE THING IS, THIS IS WHERE GOD HAS PUT ME NOW. ALL MY FRIENDS KNOW I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE “HAPPY” ONE, WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WAS NICKNAMED “SMILEY” AND EVEN GOT A CERTIFICATE FROM MY SCHOOL WITH THAT NAME ON IT! I’M STILL HAPPY, I’M STILL HOPEFUL. BUT THIS PAST YEAR HAS TAUGHT ME SO MUCH ABOUT GOD. LIFE ISN’T ALWAYS HAPPY. AND REGARDLESS OF THE HUM-DRUM YOU MAY HEAR/READ/SEE FROM VARIOUS PEOPLE WHO PROCLAIM THAT HAPPINESS BRINGS PROSPERITY…….OR THAT IF YOU WILL JUST “BE POSITIVE”, LIFE WILL BE GREAT!!....THAT IS FALSE. THERE WILL BE SORROW. I HAVE HEARD VARIOUS PREACHERS AND CHRISTIANS SAY THAT THE MAIN SIGNS OF GOD’S BLESSINGS ON YOU ARE HAPPINESS AND WEALTH. MY QUESTION TO THEM HAS ALWAYS BEEN; HAVE YOU READ THE BIBLE I’M READING? YOU KNOW, THE HOLY ONE? I DOUBT JESUS WAS SMILING AND SAYING, “HEY, JUST SMILE AND BE POSITIVE, DON’T BE SAD!” WHEN HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO BE CRUCIFIED. IN FACT, FROM THE WORDS HE SAID BEFORE THAT, WE CAN BE QUITE SURE HE WASN’T THINKING ALONG THOSE LINES AT ALL. BUT, HE DID KNOW THE FATHER, AND HE DID CONTINUE TO FOLLOW HIM, AS PAINFUL AS IT WAS. THAT IS WHAT I’VE BEEN DEALING WITH LATELY. WILL I STILL FOLLOW? WHAT IF GOD LETS A HORRIBLE TRAGEDY HAPPEN TO MY FAMILY…..THEN WILL I FOLLOW? WHAT IF HE TAKES CERTAIN FRIENDSHIPS AWAY…..WILL I STILL? WHAT IF MY BANK ACCOUNT ISN’T FLOWING WITH EXTRA MONEY, 401K, CDS, THOUSANDS IN SAVINGS, ETC…….WILL I STILL FOLLOW A GOD THAT DOESN’T “BLESS” ME ACCORDING TO WHAT EVERYONE AROUND ME SAYS IS A BLESSING? WHAT IF MY DREAMS, MY GOALS, ARE NEVER MET….THOUGH NOBLE AS THEY MAY BE…..WILL I STILL FOLLOW A GOD WHO DOESN’T ANSWER ME WITH BLESSINGS SO SWEET?? MY ANSWER IS SIMPLE; I WILL. BECAUSE HE IS GOD, I AM NOT. AND YES, I WILL BE HONEST WITH HIM….IF I AM ANGRY, HE KNOWS…IF I AM DESPERATE, HE KNOWS….IF I FEEL BETRAYED AND LEFT ALONE BY HIM…HE KNOWS. BUT I STILL LOVE HIM. I STILL SERVE HIM. BECAUSE I CAN’T DO IT WITHOUT HIM.

AS MUCH AS I HOPE THAT 2009, 2010, 2011, ETC. ARE YEARS FULL OF BLESSING, PEACE, HAPPINESS, JOY…….I WILL STILL FOLLOW HIM EVEN IF HE CHOOSES TO TAKE ME DOWN A PATH THAT IS NOT SO SWEET. BECAUSE I KNOW AT THE END OF ALL THINGS, AT THE END OF ALL TIME…….JESUS WAS AND IS THE LAST WORD. HE HAS MY FULL ALLEGIANCE, NO MATTER THE LIFE HE HAS MAPPED OUT FOR MY FAMILY AND ME.

“THOUGH HE SLAY ME, I WILL HOPE IN HIM. NEVERTHELESS I WILL ARGUE MY WAYS BEFORE HIM.” –JOB 13:15

“AS FOR ME, I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVES, AND AT THE LAST HE WILL TAKE HIS STAND ON THE EARTH.” -JOB 19:25

“THESE THINGS I HAVE SPOKEN TO YOU, SO THAT IN ME YOU MAY HAVE PEACE, IN THE WORLD YOU WILL HAVE TRIBULATION, BUT TAKE COURAGE; I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD.” -JOHN 16:33