WHAT MANY DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

I HAVE SOME MAJOR ISSUES WITH THE BIBLE. (I SAY THAT TONGUE IN CHEEK.) I MEAN, I READ TO DYLAN SO MUCH, YET THERE ARE PARTS OF THE BIBLE I WON’T READ TO HIM YET-HE’S ONLY JUST TURNED THREE. I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT ALL THESE THINGS SO MUCH MORE LATELY, BECAUSE I’VE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS GRIEF. I AM NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO CAN JUST IGNORE THE THINGS THAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND. LIKE I SAID, MANY THINGS IN OUR LIVES WILL NOT BE ANSWERED UNTIL THE END. STILL, I’M SO WEARY OF HEARING (MYSELF AT TIMES) AND OTHERS GLOSS OVER PARTS OF THE BIBLE THAT THEY DON’T LIKE. WE MUST COME FACE TO FACE WITH THESE THINGS. IF YOU’RE LIKE ME, I GET SO TIRED OF PROSPERITY PREACHING. NO, IT’S NOT JUST ONE DENOMINATION THAT PREACHES THIS-YOU CAN FIND IT EVERYWHERE. “GOD WILL BLESS YOU WITH MONEY IF YOU…(FILL IN THE BLANK)…GOD WILL GIVE YOU MANY CHILDREN IF YOU…(FILL IN THE BLANK)…GOD WILL MAKE BRING YOU SO MUCH HAPPINESS IF YOU…(FILL IN THE BLANK).” HERE’S MY QUESTIONS TO THOSE THINGS…YOU WANT MONEY?...YOU FOLLOW JESUS, A HOMELESS MAN WHO DID NOT HAVE A LOT OF RICHES. CHILDREN ARE A WONDERFUL BLESSING…BUT I GET SO WEARY OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE A LOT OF CHILDREN THINKING THEY’VE BEEN GIVEN THEM BECAUSE THEY’RE BLESSED, AND THOSE WHO DON’T HAVE ANY ARE CURSED. JESUS DIDN’T HAVE ANY. THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE WHO CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN WHO HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG IN THEIR LIVES…IT’S NOT A PUNISHMENT. AND TO GO FURTHER, THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE WITH A LOT OF CHILDREN WHO DO NOTHING BUT SEE THEIR LITTLE ONES AS A BURDEN. YOU KNOW YOU’VE SEEN IT. YOU WANT HAPPINESS? DID JESUS LOOK HAPPY ON THE CROSS? AREN’T YOU TRYING TO FOLLOW HIM?

I’M NOT SURE WHY I’M ADDRESSING ALL OF THIS NOW, I JUST FELT THE NEED TO WRITE ABOUT IT. MAYBE IT’S JUST FOR MY SAKE. WHO KNOWS? BUT IF YOU’RE LIKE ME, AND SOME OF THE FRIENDS I HAVE, HERE’S SOMETHING TO CHEW ON.

*THE FLOOD.
*THE CROSS.
*A FATHER TOLD TO SACRIFICE HIS SON. (THOUGH HE DIDN’T HAVE TO IN THE END…HE WAS STILL TOLD TO DO SO.)
*JOB-THE LORD INITIATED THAT WHOLE STORY.
*“IS IT NOT FROM THE MOUTH OF THE MOST HIGH THAT BOTH GOOD AND ILL GO FORTH?”-LAMENTATIONS 3:38

WE HAVE GOT TO STOP THINKING LIKE AMERICANS. WE’RE NOT THE ONLY ONES WHO TRY TO FOLLOW OUR LORD. THOUGH WE HAVE OUR MORTGAGES, OUR PRIVATE SCHOOLS, OUR SAVINGS’ ACCOUNTS, OUR FREEDOM…THERE ARE MANY OTHERS-RIGHT AT THIS MINUTE-WHO HAVE NONE OF THOSE THINGS. I’M NOT SAYING WE SHOULD ALL FEEL BAD FOR HAVING THESE THING….I AM SAYING WE NEED TO BE AWARE AND DO OUR PART, WHATEVER THAT MAY BE. YOU KNOW, IN YOUR HEART OF HEARTS WHAT THAT IS.
WE HAVE GOT TO STOP READING ONLY THE PARTS OF THE BIBLE THAT WE LIKE AND THAT MAKE US FEEL ALL WARM AND FUZZY ON THE INSIDE. I AM NOT SAYING WE NEED TO FORGET THE GOOD…WE JUST NEED TO ACKNOWLEDGE THOSE THINGS THAT WE DON’T UNDERSTAND. I HAVE A PROBLEM READING TO MY SON ABOUT THE FLOOD, BECAUSE I DON’T WANT HIM TO ASK ME YET, “MOMMY, WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO WEREN’T IN THE ARK…”. ANYONE THINK THEY CAN ANSWER THAT? THERE WERE BABIES, WOMEN, MEN…ALL LEFT OUTSIDE OF THE ARK. WHAT DO WE DO WITH THAT?

I GUESS FOR ME, I’M FINDING A NEW SORT OF COMFORT THROUGH THIS. LIVING THROUGH SUCH A HORRIBLE INCIDENT HAS MADE ME SEE GOD SO MUCH BIGGER THAN HE ALREADY WAS TO ME. IT HAS MADE ME REMEMBER THAT SATAN ISN’T GOD’S EQUALLY POWERFUL, NEMESIS…GOD IS THE MOST POWERFUL ONE…EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS…EVERYTHING, EVEN THE HORRIBLE, HAPPENS BECAUSE GOD ALLOWS. THAT COMFORTS ME NOW. BECAUSE THE LORD IS BIGGER THAN THE DISGUSTINGNESS WE SEE HERE. HE HAS ALREADY DEFEATED IT. I WILL BE UNITED WITH MY MOMMA AGAIN ONE DAY, BECAUSE HE HAS HER.

MY GRANDPA TOLD MY FATHER MANY, MANY YEARS AGO, “SON, IF YOU GO ON TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, YOU WILL SEE A LOT OF DEATH”. HE WAS RIGHT. AND OH, DID MY DADDY SEE DEATH, FACE TO FACE. AS MY SISTER AND I DID. BUT THIS ISN’T THE FINAL WORD. THAT’S OUR STRENGTH, THAT’S OUR COMFORT…THIS IS NOT THE END. THAT IS HOW WE CAN SEE THIS AND STILL FOLLOW OUR LORD, THE VERY ONE WHO HAS SLAIN US.

TODAY’S BEEN A REALLY HARD DAY. I DON’T KNOW WHY. I WISH I DID. I’VE CRIED COUNTLESS TIMES, IT’S LIKE I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO TURN IT OFF. THERE’S NOTHING LIKE THIS HURT. MY MOMMA WAS LIKE THE OTHER HALF OF ME, AND NOW SHE’S BEEN RIPPED AWAY. THAT FEELING, THAT REALITY,…….THERE’S NO EARTHLY WAY TO DESCRIBE IT.

I THINK OF ALL THE WAYS I’M LIKE HER NOW. MY HANDS ARE JUST LIKE HERS. MY SISTER TOLD ME A FEW WEEKS AGO THAT HER MOTHER-IN-LAW SAID THAT…WHEN SHE LOOKED AT HER HANDS, SHE THOUGHT OF HER MOTHER, AND THAT JUST GAVE HER THIS FEELING INSIDE. IT MADE ME REMEMBER THAT. MANY TIMES OVER MY LIFE, MY MOMMA AND I WOULD TALK ABOUT HOW MY HANDS, MY FINGERNAILS, WERE JUST LIKE HERS. I LOVE THAT. I HOPE THAT I CAN EVEN ALMOST EXHIBIT THE QUALITIES THAT SHE IS KNOWN FOR.

I HAVE TALKED SO MUCH OF MY FEELINGS THROUGH THIS, IT’S ALL I’VE BEEN ABLE TO DO. I HOPE THAT IT HAS HELPED SOMEONE ELSE, ANYONE ELSE. I HOPE THAT IF SOMEONE ELSE HAS GONE THROUGH THIS, THEY’RE NOT AFRAID TO FEEL. I HOPE THEY’RE NOT AFRAID TO BE ANGRY, HURT, CONFUSED, FEEL BETRAYED, LOVED, ENCOURAGED...ALL AT ONCE. THAT’S OKAY TO DO. I’VE SAID COUNTLESS TIMES SINCE ALL THIS HAS HAPPENED THAT IT IS NOT UP TO THOSE WHO MOURN AND GRIEVE TO “BE STRONG”…THOUGH MANY PEOPLE TELL US TO. IT’S NOT UP TO US TO “GET OVER IT”. WHEN DOES THAT HAPPEN? WHAT, I WAKE UP ONE DAY, SAY THREE TO TEN YEARS DOWN THE ROAD, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I’M OVER IT? I’M OVER THE FACT THAT I DON’T HAVE MY MOMMA AND BEST FRIEND HERE? NEVER. I, YOU, IF YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS, WILL NOT GET OVER IT. THERE WILL JUST BE A NEW WAY OF LIVING UNTIL WE HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF SEEING THEM AGAIN. I HOPE THAT I HAVE HELPED ANYONE, EVEN IF IT’S JUST MYSELF, UNDERSTAND THAT FOLLOWING CHRIST DOES NOT ALWAYS BRING GOOD THINGS. I’VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR YEARS. I HOPE I’VE ALSO LET YOU, IF YOU’VE EXPERIENCED SUCH A DEEP GRIEF, KNOW THAT IT’S OKAY TO BE ANGRY AT GOD-WHILE LOVING AND SERVING HIM ALL THE WHILE. HE KNOWS WHAT HE HAS ALLOWED. AT THE SAME TIME, HE KNOWS WHAT’S IN STORE. WHEN I SAY THAT, I DON’T MEAN WHAT’S IN STORE NOW…I MEAN WHAT’S IN STORE FOR US AT THE END. WHICH, IRONICALLY, WILL BE THE BEGINNING. I HOPE THAT MY JOURNEY THROUGH THIS SINCE DECEMBER 4TH WILL ALSO HELP SOMEONE ELSE AT SOME POINT. BECAUSE I KNOW THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT AND LONELINESS. I HOPE THAT I HAVE HELPED SOMEONE ELSE UNDERSTAND THAT THERE ARE NO ANSWERS. WE WILL NEVER FIND AN ANSWER HERE AS TO WHY TRAGEDY HAPPENS TO ANYONE. WE’VE NEVER BEEN GIVEN ONE FROM THE LORD, HIMSELF, SO DON’T THINK ANYONE ELSE CAN EVER ANSWER THAT. THAT IS WHAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND, AND WHAT I’VE SAID MANY TIMES OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS. I REFUSE TO GO CHASING ANSWERS, ALL THE WHILE KNOWING THAT THERE WILL BE A DEAD END. I TAKE COMFORT RIGHT NOW IN KNOWING THAT I WILL RECEIVE ALL THE ANSWERS TO MY QUESTIONS REGARDING THE DEATH OF MY MOMMA, AND MANY OTHER THINGS, WHEN THE SHOFAR SOUNDS.

MANY PEOPLE HAVE ASKED IF WE’LL KNOW OUR LOVED ONES IN HEAVEN. WITHOUT GOING INTO A THEOLOGICAL DEBATE…WHY WOULDN’T WE? WHY WOULD GOD GIVE US SUCH A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, HOLY, GRACEFUL THING SUCH AS OUR LOVED ONES…ONLY TO TAKE THEM AWAY FOR ETERNITY? I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT. I WILL SHARE WITH YOU SOMETHING THAT WILL PROBABLY BE VERY EMOTIONAL TO READ. THERE HAS BEEN ONE GREAT THING THAT HAS HELPED ME GET THROUGH THIS. BEING THERE IN THE HOSPITAL WITH MY MOMMA JUST LAYING THERE, WAITING FOR EITHER GOD TO WAKE HER UP OR TAKE HER, I KEPT THINKING OF HOW STRONG A BOND IT IS BETWEEN A MOTHER AND HER CHILD. I KEPT THINKING HOW CLOSE I WAS WITH MY MOMMA, HOW CLOSE I STILL AM, CLOSER THAN I CAN DESCRIBE. I KEPT THINKING OF HOW CLOSE I AM WITH DYLAN. I KEPT THINKING THAT MY MOMMA WAS THERE WITH ME-THOUGH NOT PHYSICALLY-SHE WAS THERE. THIS THOUGHT GOT ME THROUGH THAT, AND IS STILL WITH ME FOREVERMORE: SHE WAS MOURNING WITH ME, WITH MY DADDY, MY SISTER, ALL THE WHILE. SHE KNEW OUR PAIN ALL TOO WELL. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE WAS THAT SHE HAD, AND NOW HAS THE GREAT COMFORTER, HIMSELF, THERE WITH HER. SHE GRIEVES WITH ME. THAT’S WHAT GOT ME THROUGH ALL THOSE DAYS OF WAITING. THAT’S WHAT HELPED ME THEN AND HELPS ME NOW. SHE NOW HAS ALL THE ANSWERS TO THESE EARTHLY QUESTIONS THAT WILL HAUNT US UNTIL WE’RE TAKEN HOME. I’M JEALOUS THAT SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THESE THINGS ANYMORE. I ENCOURAGE YOU, IF YOU’VE LOST SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU, GRIEVE. THERE WILL NEVER BE A TIME WHEN YOU WON’T MISS THEM.

“SNOW ANGEL, SNOW ANGEL
SOMEDAY I’M GONNA FLY
THIS COLD AND BROKEN HEART OF MINE
WILL ONE DAY SAY GOODBYE.
GOODBYE TO THIS CRUEL, WICKED WORLD
AND ALL THE TEARS I’VE CRIED…
SNOW ANGEL, SNOW ANGEL,
I’LL MEET YOU IN THE SKY.”

-OVER THE RHINE-


ON A MUCH LIGHTER NOTE, I'M ENJOYING MY ITOUCH MY HUSBAND GOT FOR ME FOR CHRISTMAS. I'M CURRENTLY HOOKED ON "THE OFFICE". MY DADDY WILL BE HERE SOON, WHENEVER HE GETS A TRANSFER. I'VE GOTTEN TO TALK TO HILARIE SO MUCH, AND KRYSTLE FOR A LONG TIME YESTERDAY...THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH GOOD THEY BRING TO MY HEART. JIL AND YUSTIN ARE COMING THIS WEEKEND, WHICH I'M SO GLAD ABOUT. MY SISTER LIVES JUST A SHORT DRIVE AWAY, WHICH HELPS SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. WINTER WILL BE OVER SOON. EASTER IS COMING...IN SO MANY WAYS. MY HUSBAND AND SON ARE AMAZING. DARRYL HAS HELPED SO MUCH, JUST BECAUSE HE'S HIM. I THANK GOD FOR A MAN WHO DIES TO HIMSELF DAILY AND LIVES FOR ME. I ONLY HOPE HE SEES ME THE WAY I SEE HIM.

A PRETTY LONG ONE.

I DON’T KNOW WHY I HAVEN’T HEARD OTHER PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THIS OPENLY. IT ACHES MY ALREADY BURDENED AND BROKEN HEART TO TRY TO GO THROUGH THIS ALONE, WHEN I KNOW OTHERS HAVE BEEN HERE. WHY AREN’T PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THIS? AND CHRISTIANS ARE THE WORST. WE LOVE TO PRETEND EVERYTHING’S SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS (I DO THIS MYSELF) WHEN WE KNOW IT’S NOT. THIS IS PAINFUL. THIS IS PURE HELL. WHY HAVE CHRISTIANS COME UP WITH FAKE ANSWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS? I KNOW MY BLOG LATELY HASN’T BEEN TOO “UPLIFTING”. BUT HOW COULD IT BE? I COULD PRETEND THAT I AM FINE, THAT LIFE IS GOOD, THAT EVERYTHING IS JUST PEACHES AND ROSES. THE FACT IS THAT IT’S NOT. I WILL NOT SKATE OVER THAT, IN HOPES OF NOT DEALING WITH IT AND FACING A DEAD END…ONLY TO FACE AGAIN WHAT I NEED TO FACE NOW.

“…THE SONS OF GOD CAME TO PRESENT THEMSELVES BEFORE THE LORD, AND SATAN ALSO CAME AMONG THEM……THE LORD SAID TO SATAN, ‘HAVE YOU CONSIDERED MY SERVANT JOB?’……THEN SATAN ANSWERED THE LORD, ‘DOES JOB FEAR GOD FOR NOTHING? HAVE YOU NOT MADE A HEDGE ABOUT HIM AND HIS HOUSE AND ALL THAT HE HAS, ON EVERY SIDE? …BUT PUT FORTH YOUR HAND NOW AND TOUCH ALL THAT HE HAS; HE WILL SURELY CURSE YOU TO YOUR FACE.’. …….THEN THE LORD SAID TO SATAN, ‘BEHOLD, ALL THAT HE HAS IS IN YOUR POWER, ONLY DO NOT PUT FORTH YOUR HAND ON HIM.’ SO SATAN DEPARTED FROM THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD.” JOB CHAPTER ONE (PIECES LEFT OUR FOR THE SAKE OF TIME, I’D ENCOURAGE YOU TO READ THE WHOLE CHAPTER.)

I DON’T KNOW IF I’M JUST A WEIRDO OR WHAT, BUT THIS WHOLE THING IS HARD. ALL OF IT. MISSING HER, LOVING HER, WANTING TO TALK TO HER…IT SUCKS. BUT EVEN MORESO IS THAT I KEEP HEARING PEOPLE SAY TO ME TO TRUST GOD, TO GIVE HIM MY WORRIES, HE KNOWS HOW HARD THIS IS. INDEED, I AM TO TRUST HIM, HE DOES TELL US TO CAST OUR CARES UPON HIM, AND HE KNOWS HOW TOUGH THIS IS. BUT THE HARDEST PART THROUGH ALL OF THIS IS TRUSTING HIM. I MEAN, HE IS THE ONE WHO ALLOWED THIS HORRIBLE THING. I WOULD NEVER EVEN TYPE ON A BLOG WHAT WE HAVE ENDURED SINCE DECEMBER 4TH. IT HAS BEEN HORRIBLE, A GROSS THING TO HAVE TO SEE AND LIVE THROUGH. AND GOD KNOWS THAT, HE KNOWS…YET HE CHOSE NOT TO STOP IT. THAT’S THE WRENCH IN THE GEARS. I, WE, AS CHRISTIANS, HAVE TO RECONCILE THIS. WE CANNOT GO BLINDLY ON, PRETENDING THAT THIS IS NOT TRUE. YES, GOD IS LOVING, CARING, GRACE-GIVING, MERCIFUL, THE GREAT REDEEMER…YET, HE IS THE ONE WHO ALLOWS WHAT WE ENDURE IN THIS LIFE…HE IS ALSO A GOD OF SORROWS. I HAVE YET TO FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TALK ABOUT THIS WITH ME. THAT’S WHAT IS MAKING THIS ALL EVEN LONELIER THAN IT ALREADY IS.


YES, I LOVE MY GOD, YES, I WILL ALWAYS SERVE HIM. AM I MAD AT HIM? YES! DUH, I THINK IF I WEREN’T, I WOULDN’T HAVE A HEART. DO I FEEL BETRAYED BY HIM? YES. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, HE IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BIGGER THAN MY FEELINGS OF HURT, BETRAYAL, AND ANGER. HE IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN THESE EMOTIONS THAT HE PLACED INSIDE OF ME. HE IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN THE FACT THAT I STRUGGLE WITH TRUSTING HIM AGAIN. THAT IS WHY I SERVE HIM. HE CAN HANDLE ALL I DISH OUT. I WOULD NEVER TURN MY BACK ON A GOD THAT BIG. HE HAS MY MOMMA, HE HAS ME, MY FATHER, MY SISTER, MY HUSBAND, MY SON. HE HAS US ALL. AND HE HAS YOU. DON’T BE AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT THE FEELINGS AND REALITY THAT YOU DEAL WITH. HE KNOWS OUR HEARTS, ANYWAY. AND HE NOT ONLY KNOWS, HE CAUSED A LOT OF THEM. WE MUST RECONCILE THIS IF WE CHOOSE TO FOLLOW HIM AT ALL COSTS.


P.S. IF YOU HAVEN'T LISTENED TO "OVER THE RHINE", I'D ENCOURAGE YOU TO! THEY'RE AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL. I'VE NEVER BEEN SO MOVED AND COMFORTED BY MUSIC THAN NOW-THROUGH THEM. THE FOLLOWING IS SOME OF THEIR LYRICS...

'SNOW ANGEL'

"SNOW ANGEL, SNOW ANGEL, SOMEDAY I'M GONNA FLY
THIS COLD AND BROKEN HEART OF MINE WILL ONE DAY WAVE GOODBYE
GOODBYE TO THIS CRUEL WICKED WORLD AND ALL THE TEARS I'VE CRIED
SNOW ANGEL, SNOW ANGEL, I'LL MEET YOU IN THE SKY"


'POUGHKEEPSIE'

"There are those who know sorrow
And those who must borrow
And those whose lot in life is sweet.
Well I'm drunk on self-pity,
Scorned all that's been given me,
I would drink from a bottle labeled Sure Defeat.

I'd ride on the backs of the angels tonight.
I'd take to the sky with all my might.
No more drowning in my sorrow,
No more drowning in my fright,
I'd just ride on the backs of the angels tonight"



'HAPPY TO BE SO'

Anything I say will be held against me,
So I won't say much or I'll spill it all.
By the light of day it's an elusive feeling,
But every single night that's immaterial.

I know a love that will not let me go.
My heart is bound and happy to be so.
It's so happy to be so,
Happy to be so,Happy, happy, happy to be so.

If I try to pray, it's like a game of red rover.
I take a real good run at it,
but I can't break through.
Don't matter anyway. I'm so redhanded.
The game is over. I'll just tell the truth.

I know a love that will not let me go.
My heart is bound and gagged and on death row.
It's so happy to be so,Happy to be so,
Happy, happy, happy to be so. Ooh

(ABOVE TAKEN FROM "LYRICS.CHRISTIANSUNITE.COM")