TODAY’S BEEN A REALLY HARD DAY. I DON’T KNOW WHY. I WISH I DID. I’VE CRIED COUNTLESS TIMES, IT’S LIKE I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO TURN IT OFF. THERE’S NOTHING LIKE THIS HURT. MY MOMMA WAS LIKE THE OTHER HALF OF ME, AND NOW SHE’S BEEN RIPPED AWAY. THAT FEELING, THAT REALITY,…….THERE’S NO EARTHLY WAY TO DESCRIBE IT.

I THINK OF ALL THE WAYS I’M LIKE HER NOW. MY HANDS ARE JUST LIKE HERS. MY SISTER TOLD ME A FEW WEEKS AGO THAT HER MOTHER-IN-LAW SAID THAT…WHEN SHE LOOKED AT HER HANDS, SHE THOUGHT OF HER MOTHER, AND THAT JUST GAVE HER THIS FEELING INSIDE. IT MADE ME REMEMBER THAT. MANY TIMES OVER MY LIFE, MY MOMMA AND I WOULD TALK ABOUT HOW MY HANDS, MY FINGERNAILS, WERE JUST LIKE HERS. I LOVE THAT. I HOPE THAT I CAN EVEN ALMOST EXHIBIT THE QUALITIES THAT SHE IS KNOWN FOR.

I HAVE TALKED SO MUCH OF MY FEELINGS THROUGH THIS, IT’S ALL I’VE BEEN ABLE TO DO. I HOPE THAT IT HAS HELPED SOMEONE ELSE, ANYONE ELSE. I HOPE THAT IF SOMEONE ELSE HAS GONE THROUGH THIS, THEY’RE NOT AFRAID TO FEEL. I HOPE THEY’RE NOT AFRAID TO BE ANGRY, HURT, CONFUSED, FEEL BETRAYED, LOVED, ENCOURAGED...ALL AT ONCE. THAT’S OKAY TO DO. I’VE SAID COUNTLESS TIMES SINCE ALL THIS HAS HAPPENED THAT IT IS NOT UP TO THOSE WHO MOURN AND GRIEVE TO “BE STRONG”…THOUGH MANY PEOPLE TELL US TO. IT’S NOT UP TO US TO “GET OVER IT”. WHEN DOES THAT HAPPEN? WHAT, I WAKE UP ONE DAY, SAY THREE TO TEN YEARS DOWN THE ROAD, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I’M OVER IT? I’M OVER THE FACT THAT I DON’T HAVE MY MOMMA AND BEST FRIEND HERE? NEVER. I, YOU, IF YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS, WILL NOT GET OVER IT. THERE WILL JUST BE A NEW WAY OF LIVING UNTIL WE HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF SEEING THEM AGAIN. I HOPE THAT I HAVE HELPED ANYONE, EVEN IF IT’S JUST MYSELF, UNDERSTAND THAT FOLLOWING CHRIST DOES NOT ALWAYS BRING GOOD THINGS. I’VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR YEARS. I HOPE I’VE ALSO LET YOU, IF YOU’VE EXPERIENCED SUCH A DEEP GRIEF, KNOW THAT IT’S OKAY TO BE ANGRY AT GOD-WHILE LOVING AND SERVING HIM ALL THE WHILE. HE KNOWS WHAT HE HAS ALLOWED. AT THE SAME TIME, HE KNOWS WHAT’S IN STORE. WHEN I SAY THAT, I DON’T MEAN WHAT’S IN STORE NOW…I MEAN WHAT’S IN STORE FOR US AT THE END. WHICH, IRONICALLY, WILL BE THE BEGINNING. I HOPE THAT MY JOURNEY THROUGH THIS SINCE DECEMBER 4TH WILL ALSO HELP SOMEONE ELSE AT SOME POINT. BECAUSE I KNOW THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT AND LONELINESS. I HOPE THAT I HAVE HELPED SOMEONE ELSE UNDERSTAND THAT THERE ARE NO ANSWERS. WE WILL NEVER FIND AN ANSWER HERE AS TO WHY TRAGEDY HAPPENS TO ANYONE. WE’VE NEVER BEEN GIVEN ONE FROM THE LORD, HIMSELF, SO DON’T THINK ANYONE ELSE CAN EVER ANSWER THAT. THAT IS WHAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND, AND WHAT I’VE SAID MANY TIMES OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS. I REFUSE TO GO CHASING ANSWERS, ALL THE WHILE KNOWING THAT THERE WILL BE A DEAD END. I TAKE COMFORT RIGHT NOW IN KNOWING THAT I WILL RECEIVE ALL THE ANSWERS TO MY QUESTIONS REGARDING THE DEATH OF MY MOMMA, AND MANY OTHER THINGS, WHEN THE SHOFAR SOUNDS.

MANY PEOPLE HAVE ASKED IF WE’LL KNOW OUR LOVED ONES IN HEAVEN. WITHOUT GOING INTO A THEOLOGICAL DEBATE…WHY WOULDN’T WE? WHY WOULD GOD GIVE US SUCH A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, HOLY, GRACEFUL THING SUCH AS OUR LOVED ONES…ONLY TO TAKE THEM AWAY FOR ETERNITY? I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT. I WILL SHARE WITH YOU SOMETHING THAT WILL PROBABLY BE VERY EMOTIONAL TO READ. THERE HAS BEEN ONE GREAT THING THAT HAS HELPED ME GET THROUGH THIS. BEING THERE IN THE HOSPITAL WITH MY MOMMA JUST LAYING THERE, WAITING FOR EITHER GOD TO WAKE HER UP OR TAKE HER, I KEPT THINKING OF HOW STRONG A BOND IT IS BETWEEN A MOTHER AND HER CHILD. I KEPT THINKING HOW CLOSE I WAS WITH MY MOMMA, HOW CLOSE I STILL AM, CLOSER THAN I CAN DESCRIBE. I KEPT THINKING OF HOW CLOSE I AM WITH DYLAN. I KEPT THINKING THAT MY MOMMA WAS THERE WITH ME-THOUGH NOT PHYSICALLY-SHE WAS THERE. THIS THOUGHT GOT ME THROUGH THAT, AND IS STILL WITH ME FOREVERMORE: SHE WAS MOURNING WITH ME, WITH MY DADDY, MY SISTER, ALL THE WHILE. SHE KNEW OUR PAIN ALL TOO WELL. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE WAS THAT SHE HAD, AND NOW HAS THE GREAT COMFORTER, HIMSELF, THERE WITH HER. SHE GRIEVES WITH ME. THAT’S WHAT GOT ME THROUGH ALL THOSE DAYS OF WAITING. THAT’S WHAT HELPED ME THEN AND HELPS ME NOW. SHE NOW HAS ALL THE ANSWERS TO THESE EARTHLY QUESTIONS THAT WILL HAUNT US UNTIL WE’RE TAKEN HOME. I’M JEALOUS THAT SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THESE THINGS ANYMORE. I ENCOURAGE YOU, IF YOU’VE LOST SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU, GRIEVE. THERE WILL NEVER BE A TIME WHEN YOU WON’T MISS THEM.

“SNOW ANGEL, SNOW ANGEL
SOMEDAY I’M GONNA FLY
THIS COLD AND BROKEN HEART OF MINE
WILL ONE DAY SAY GOODBYE.
GOODBYE TO THIS CRUEL, WICKED WORLD
AND ALL THE TEARS I’VE CRIED…
SNOW ANGEL, SNOW ANGEL,
I’LL MEET YOU IN THE SKY.”

-OVER THE RHINE-


ON A MUCH LIGHTER NOTE, I'M ENJOYING MY ITOUCH MY HUSBAND GOT FOR ME FOR CHRISTMAS. I'M CURRENTLY HOOKED ON "THE OFFICE". MY DADDY WILL BE HERE SOON, WHENEVER HE GETS A TRANSFER. I'VE GOTTEN TO TALK TO HILARIE SO MUCH, AND KRYSTLE FOR A LONG TIME YESTERDAY...THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH GOOD THEY BRING TO MY HEART. JIL AND YUSTIN ARE COMING THIS WEEKEND, WHICH I'M SO GLAD ABOUT. MY SISTER LIVES JUST A SHORT DRIVE AWAY, WHICH HELPS SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. WINTER WILL BE OVER SOON. EASTER IS COMING...IN SO MANY WAYS. MY HUSBAND AND SON ARE AMAZING. DARRYL HAS HELPED SO MUCH, JUST BECAUSE HE'S HIM. I THANK GOD FOR A MAN WHO DIES TO HIMSELF DAILY AND LIVES FOR ME. I ONLY HOPE HE SEES ME THE WAY I SEE HIM.