SUNDAYS.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT OTHERS WHO'VE DEALT WITH GRIEF LIKE THIS, BUT I KNOW FOR ME, SUNDAYS ARE ALWAYS HARD. I THINK ESPECIALLY NOW BECAUSE OUR CULTURE IS SO GOOD ABOUT HIDING HOW THEY'RE REALLY DOING, SO THEY GET UP AND GO TO CHURCH, AND PRETEND EVERYTHING'S ALL PEACHY (I'VE ALSO DONE THIS) AND SING THESE SONGS TOGETHER...SAY, "HI, HOW ARE YOU?"...AND ANSWER, "OH, I'M FINE, THANK YOU." AND USUALLY, IT'S NOT FINE. PEOPLE ARE DEALING WITH MONEY PROBLEMS, FAMILY PROBLEMS, HEALTH PROBLEMS, SPIRITUAL PROBLEMS....YET YOU ALWAYS HEAR, "I'M FINE, THANKS". SO MANY PEOPLE ASK ME THAT, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? DO THEY REALLY WANT TO KNOW? AND AT THE SAME TIME, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. BUT I'M OFFENDED IF SOMEONE DOESN'T BRING IT UP. WHAT A WAY TO FEEL. I FELT SO FOREIGN FOR FEELING THAT WAY, WHICH IS WHY I'VE LOVED READING "A GRIEF OBSERVED". C.S. LEWIS WROTE SO MUCH OF THE EXACT THINGS I HAD BEEN FEELING, AND IT'S JUST SORT OF A COMFORT. I CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT PART. IF YOU SEE SOMEONE WHO YOU KNOW HAS EXPERIENCED LOSING A LOVED ONE, THERE'S AN AUTOMATIC CONNECTION. SORT OF AN "I KNOW, I HURT TOO. IT'S OKAY. I HATE THIS PAIN, TOO...". THERE'S A MAN IN TOWN WHO WE KNOW WHO LOST HIS WIFE SOME TIME AGO. TODAY I HAD MY HUSBAND ASK HIM TO COME SIT WITH US, WE WERE AT THE SAME RESTAURANT. I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT, BUT I JUST WANTED HIM TO BE NEAR US, JUST TO SORT OF LET HIM KNOW I'M GRIEVING, TOO. AND IT JUST HELPED ME TO KNOW SOMEONE WAS NEAR ME WHO HAS EXPERIENCED THIS UNBEARABLE HURT. IF YOU'VE DEALT WITH THIS, THE FOLLOWING EXCERPTS FROM C.S. LEWIS' BOOK WILL MAKE SO MUCH SENSE TO YOU:

"NO ONE EVER TOLD ME THAT GRIEF FELT SO LIKE FEAR. I AM NOT AFRAID, BUT THE SENSATION IS LIKE BEING AFRAID.......I KEEP ON SWALLOWING. AT OTHER TIMES IT FEELS LIKE BEING MILDLY DRUNK, OR CONCUSSED. THERE IS A SORT OF INVISIBLE BLANKET BETWEEN THE WORLD AND ME. I FIND IT HARD TO TAKE IN WHAT ANYONE SAYS. OR PERHAPS, HARD TO WANT TO TAKE IT IN. IT IS SO UNINTERESTING. YET I WANT OTHERS TO BE ABOUT ME. I DREAD THE MOMENTS WHEN THE HOUSE IS EMPTY. IF ONLY THEY WOULD TALK TO ONE ANOTHER AND NOT TO ME."...

"AN ODD BYPRODUCT OF MY LOSS IS THAT I'M AWARE OF BEING AN EMBARRASSMENT TO EVERYONE I MEET. AT WORK, AT THE CLUB, IN THE STREET, I SEE PEOPLE, AS THEY APPROACH ME, TRYING TO MAKE UP THEIR MINDS WHETHER THEY'LL 'SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT' OR NOT. I HATE IT IF THEY DO, AND IF THEY DON'T. ......... PERHAPS THE BEREAVED OUGHT TO BE ISOLATED IN SPECIAL SETTLEMENTS LIKE LEPERS. TO SOME I'M WORSE THAN AN EMBARRASSMENT. I AM DEATH'S HEAD. "

"THE ACT OF LIVING IS DIFFERENT ALL THROUGH. HER ABSENCE IS LIKE THE SKY, SPREAD OVER EVERYTHING."

-A GRIEF OBSERVED, BY C.S. LEWIS-

I MISS HER TERRIBLY.