A Broken Tune from Within.

I don’t know if it’s only for today, but I’m ready again…….

Life can bring so much sorrow. Even in my own life, I’ve faced things I know I’m not alone in, but still…..too tragic for any person to live through. But in 2007 (which still seems like yesterday, yet fifty years all at once…..it’s such a paradox) when we lost my amazing Momma, it just changed me. Of course, it would…..absolutely. A daughter losing her mother affects her for the rest of her life. Whether one had a good relationship, or a bad one with their mom, losing a mother affects you. That’s the difference between that, and all the other pieces of grief I’ve been dealt…..so many of them can be fixed. They can be mended. They can be redeemed. Circumstances can get better. There is hope that things will get better. There’s hope that people will change. But death is final……in death, there’s only hope for what comes after this life. That is why losing her was so pivotal.

I miss how she always wanted to hear me sing. It’s such an odd thing to be talking about, I know. Music is such a special thing, no matter your faith, culture, age, sex, etc. It moves us. When she spoke of how much she liked hearing me sing, it just….I don’t know. It stirred something. It made me feel like I had something to offer. More than that, something to offer her, the one who brought me into this world.

Since she’s been gone the “song” in me hasn’t been around much. I’ve belted out a tune here or there in church, but it wasn’t the same. Oddly enough, some of the times I cry the heaviest, most bitter tears, are when we sing songs in church about “when we all get to heaven”. Because I don’t just want to see her THERE, I want to see her HERE. So many times, I’ve just stood silently, holding back tears of frustration, brokenness, bitterness, anger, sadness, sorrow……and I know God “gets” that. I’ve written for years about how He is big enough to handle that. If He’s big enough to give me breath, He’s certainly big enough to catch my tears….and even shed some with me.

I know she *still* loves to hear me sing. And even though I may not sound like Adele, Mariah, or Christina…….I sound like my Momma’s daughter. And that’s how I want to sound. Because that is who I am.

For today, for some reason, I’m ready to sing again.

In more ways than one.

I don’t know what that will look like. I don’t know if it will last even more than today. But I’m ready again. I’m not even sure why. For years now, my heart has been aching, yearning, crying, and mourning…for so many different reasons. And some of that will never change. But I am so overwhelmed with the desire to sing again that I feel as though when I do...I won’t be able to handle the words and the tunes that will escape my lips, and my broken heart.

“Hear my cry, O God; give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:1-2