TO YOU WHO ARE MOURNING,

I WISH I COULD TELL YOU THAT YOU WON’T BE ALONE. BUT MANY TIMES, YOU WILL. THERE ARE MANY OTHERS WHO HAVE FELT A PAIN LIKE YOURS, BUT YOU CANNOT DEPEND ON OTHERS. DEPEND ONLY ON ME. THE ONES CLOSEST TO YOU WILL NOT BE THERE, THEY MAY NOT KNOW HOW. REMEMBER THAT THOUGH THEY MAY NOT KNOW HOW, THEY DO LOVE YOU. THERE ARE TIMES WHEN ANGER, SADNESS, BITTERNESS, ISOLATION, AND CONFUSION WILL SEEM LIKE THEY ARE TAKING OVER. THEY ARE NOT. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS, SO DON’T THINK I AM PUNISHING YOU. DEATH IS A PART OF THIS PHYSICAL LIFE.
YOUR HEART WILL ALWAYS HAVE THAT ACHE WHEN YOU THINK OF YOUR LOVED ONE WHO IS GONE. YOU WILL ALWAYS MISS THEM THE WAY YOU DO NOW. BUT TAKE HEART, YOU WILL SEE THEM AGAIN.
LIFE WILL CONTINUE TO HAPPEN. THE WORLD WILL KEEP SPINNING, THOUGH YOU WISH IT WOULD STOP—EVEN FOR A MOMENT. AS HORRIBLE AS DEATH IS, AS HORRIBLE AS SOME THINGS ARE IN LIFE, THERE WILL STILL BE SOME GOOD THINGS. CLING TO THOSE. WINTER WILL ALWAYS COME, JUST AS DEATH. BUT SPRING WILL ALWAYS BE JUST AROUND THE CORNER. EASTER WILL ALWAYS BE ON THE WAY.
REMEMBER THAT THOUGH YOU ARE ALONE IN SO MANY WAYS, I AM WITH YOU. I CANNOT REVEAL TO YOU JUST YET THE ANSWERS THAT YOU LONG TO KNOW. I CANNOT BRING BACK YOUR LOVED ONE. BUT KNOW THAT I AM HOLDING YOUR LOVED ONE WITH ME. YOU WILL MEET AGAIN SOON ENOUGH, AT AN HOUR THAT YOU DO NOT KNOW. TRY AS MUCH AS YOU CAN TO ENJOY THE GOOD MOMENTS I HAVE GIVEN YOU. AND TRY AS HARD AS YOU CAN TO GET THROUGH THE TRYING TIMES, SUCH AS THESE. LET ME CARRY YOUR BURDENS FOR YOU…SO OFTEN THE ONES I HAVE CHOSEN TO PLACE UPON YOU. I CAN’T EXPLAIN TO YOU JUST YET WHY I HAVE CHOSEN THIS LIFE FOR YOU. BUT REMEMBER THAT I LOVE YOU THROUGH IT ALL.
THIS WILL NOT BE THE LAST TIME YOU EXPERIENCE HEARTACHE THIS AWFUL. IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN, AND IT WILL ALSO HAPPEN TO OTHERS IN YOUR LIFE. BE FOR THEM WHAT YOU HAVE NEEDED FROM THEM. COMFORT THEM AS YOU HAVE NEEDED COMFORT.
REMEMBER TO PUT YOUR WHOLE SELF INTO EACH DAY, LOVING ME, YOURSELF, AND OTHERS THE WAY YOU KNOW HOW. GIVE OF YOURSELF, EVEN WHEN YOU GET NOTHING BACK. GIVE TO THOSE WHO WILL NOT GIVE TO YOU. LOVE THOSE WHO DON’T LOVE YOU BACK. BE KIND TO THOSE WHO ARE UNKIND TO YOU. BE SELFLESS TO THOSE WHO ARE SELFISH.

ONE DAY I WILL SAY, “ENOUGH!”…….AND THE TRYING TIMES WILL BE NO MORE. PAIN WILL BE GONE. HEARTACHE WILL BE ERASED. HUNGER WILL VANISH. THIRST WILL FLEE. POVERTY WILL BE DONE WITH. DEATH WILL BE ABOLISHED. LIFE WILL REIGN. UNTIL THEN, MY CHILD, REMEMBER MY LOVE FOR YOU IS NEVERENDING, AND I FEEL THIS PAIN YOU FEEL. I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS.

SOME HONESTY.

YOU SAID YOU’D ALWAYS BE HERE,
SO WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE YOU’RE GONE?
I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO COME BACK AGAIN,
FOR SO LONG-YET I’M STILL ALONE.

MY HEART, MY SOUL, LONGS FOR A CHANGE,
FOR GOOD NEWS TO TRAVEL HERE.
I LONG TO HEAR A JOYFUL NOISE
COME SWIFTLY TO MY EARS.

I SEE THE WIND CHANGING,
HOW I WISH IT WOULD CHANGE FOR ME-
I HOPE, I PRAY, I YEARN
FOR EVEN ONE YEAR OF JUBILEE.

LIFE LOOKS SO HOPELESS RIGHT NOW,
AS IF NOTHING WILL BE GOOD.
HOW I WISH YOU’D COME BACK
AND REDEEM THIS PLACE, AS YOU SAID YOU WOULD.

THERE IS NO ANSWER NOW, I KNOW.
I WILL NEVER FIND ONE HERE.
BUT I JUST WISH I COULD FEEL
YOUR SWEET PRESENCE DRAWING NEAR.

I STILL WAIT, I HOPE, I WONDER
IF THINGS WILL TAKE A TURN-
OR WILL THINGS CONTINUE
TO JUST CRASH AND BURN?

I KNOW SOMETIMES YOU DO THINGS,
REGARDLESS OF HOW WE PRAY-
SO HOW DO YOU DECIDE THOSE THINGS,
CAN’T YOU MAKE THEM GO AWAY?

BECAUSE SOMETIMES, LORD, THE PAIN-
THE GRIEF, THE HEARTACHE, AND THE SORROW
MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I REALLY DON’T
WANT TO BE HERE TOMORROW.

AND THERE ARE DAYS I DON’T KNOW
WHAT TO DO-OR EVEN WHAT TO SAY-
I JUST WANT ALL THE HURTING OF THIS
LIFE TO GO AWAY.

YOU SAID WHEN YOU WALKED HERE
“THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN IS AT HAND,”-
SO WHY CAN’T WE SEE THE GOOD SOMETIMES,
I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

ALL I CAN DO IS WAIT,
AS I’VE DONE SO MANY TIMES BEFORE-
UNTIL I SEE A GLIMPSE OF HOPE
COME THROUGH AN OPEN DOOR.

SO I WAIT HERE LISTENING TO THE WIND
BLOW GENTLY THROUGH THE TREE
AND HOPE THAT IT’S NOT TRUE-
THAT YOU’VE NEVER REALLY LEFT ME.

JESSICA SCHAFER 03-02-08

SOME KIND OF BUG.

GOT SICK LAST NIGHT, HUSBAND TOOK CARE OF ME AND THE BABY.

GOT UP THIS MORNING AND FEEL BETTER. THANK THE LORD THIS WASN'T THE FLU.

WE'RE WATCHING MARY POPPINS....I HAD NEVER SEEN IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH. HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN IT? THE DAD IN THAT MOVIE IS SO STINKIN' MEAN AND I CRINGE AT THE FACT THAT SO MANY HUSBANDS AND FATHERS ARE STILL LIKE THAT TODAY!!! UGH.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY SON SOME UNDEROOS.

I GET TO GET A NEW PHONE THIS MONTH...YAY!! THE OTHER ONE HAS NEEDED TO BE REPLACED FOR A WHILE.

I WILL ALSO BE GETTING NEW GLASSES...THESE CONSTANTLY GIVE ME A HEADACHE. I KNOW, I'M SO BAD ABOUT WAITING TOO LONG FOR EYE APPOINTMENTS. I THINK I'VE HAD THESE GLASSES NOW FOR....GET READY...FIVE YEARS. OH WELL, MY EYES HAVEN'T FALLEN OUT YET.

WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING...I MISS MY FRIENDS. I REALLY WISH I COULD THROW A HUGE PARTY AND THEY WOULD ALL COME STAY WITH ME FOR A WHOLE WEEK. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. AND WE'D EAT LOTS OF JUNK FOOD, PAINT OUR TOENAILS, DO FACIALS, AND TALK ABOUT THEOLOGY. OH WELL, A GIRL CAN DREAM.

I'M SO THANKFUL FOR MY HUSBAND. NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I DON'T FEEL UNDESERVING OF HIS LOVE FOR ME. HE ALWAYS PUTS MY NEEDS BEFORE HIS. I HOPE HE FEELS THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME. AND EVEN THOUGH I DON'T LOOK LIKE A SUPERMODEL, (BELIEVE ME, NOT EVEN CLOSE), HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M THE MOST GORGEOUS WOMAN HE'S EVER LAID EYES ON...AND THAT I ALWAYS WILL BE. EVEN WHEN I'M NINETY-NINE YEARS OLD. I LOVE THAT MAN.

I AM HUNGRY. EATING ONLY A BOWL OF TOMATO SOUP AND CRACKERS FOR A FULL DAY AND PUMPING YOURSELF FULL OF JUICE MAKES YOU HUNGRY THE NEXT DAY! I HAVEN'T BEEN SICK IN FOREVER. I'M GLAD THIS BUG DIDN'T LAST TOO LONG.

FOR GRINS AND GIGGLES.

CHURCH BULLETINS....(ONE OF MY PET PEEVES...LOTS OF MISPELD WURDS...HEHEHE)

THE SENIOR CHOIR INVITES ANY MEMBER OF THE CONGREGATION WHO ENJOYS SINNING TO JOIN THE CHOIR.

NEXT SUNDAY IS THE FAMILY HAYRIDE AND BONFIRE AT THE FOWLERS'. BRING YOUR OWN HOT DOGS AND GUNS. FRIENDS ARE WELCOME! EVERYONE COME FOR A FUN TIME.

SAY "HELL" TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE MUCH ABOUT YOU.

THE PASTOR WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF THE LADIES OF THE CONGREGATION WOULD LEND HIM THEIR ELECTRIC GIRDLES FOR THE PANCAKE BREAKFAST NEXT SUNDAY MORNING.

THE CHURCH WILL HOST AN EVENING OF FINE DINING, SUPERB ENTERTAINMENT, AND GRACIOUS HOSTILITY.

AND SOME MORE IF THAT DIDN'T CRACK YOU UP...

BERTHA BELCH, A MISSIONARY FROM AFRICA WILL BE SPEAKING TONIGHT AT CALVARY MEMORIAL CHURCH IN RACINE. COME TONIGHT AND HEAR BERTHA BELCH ALL THE WAY FROM AFRICA.

LADIES, DON'T FORGET THE RUMMAGE SALE. IT'S A CHANCE TO GET RID OF THOSE THINGS NOT WORTH KEEPING AROUND THE HOUSE. DON'T FORGET YOUR HUSBANDS.

IRVING BENSON AND JESSIE CARTER WERE MARRIED ON OCTOBER 24TH IN THE CHURCH. SO ENDS A FRIENDSHIP THAT BEGAN IN THEIR SCHOOL DAYS.

AT THE EVENING SERVICE TONIGHT, THE SERMON TOPIC WILL BE "WHAT IS HELL?" COME EARLY AND LISTEN TO OUR CHOIR PRACTICE.

THE SERMON THIS MORNING: "JESUS WALKS ON THE WATER". THE SERMON TONIGHT: "SEARCHING FOR JESUS".

NEXT THURSDAY WILL BE TRYOUTS FOR THE CHOIR. THEY NEED ALL THE HELP THEY CAN GET.

LOW SELF-ESTEEM SUPPORT GROUP WILL MEET THURSDAY. PLEASE USE THE BACK DOOR.

BARBARA REMAINS IN THE HOSPITAL AND NEEDS BLOOD DONORS FOR MORE TRANSFUSIONS. SHE IS ALSO HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING AND REQUESTS TAPES OF PASTOR JACK'S SERMONS.

ACTUAL ONES I SAW IN THE TOWN WE PREVIOUSLY LIVED IN DURING CHRISTMASTIME...

CHILDREN'S CHRISTMAS PROGRAM THIS WEEK: "STRANGER IN THE MANGER".

ADULT CHRISTMAS PROGRAM NEXT WEEK: "IN ALL HIS GLORY".

AND MY FAVORITE...

DON'T LET WORRY KILL YOU---LET THE CHURCH HELP.

SOME THINGS I CAN’T WAIT TO DO IN THE SPRING:

-SEE PRETTY FLOWERS GROWING EVERYWHERE…ESPECIALLY THE WILD ONES ON THESE COUNTRY ROADS. THEY’RE ALWAYS SO BEAUTIFUL.

-WATCH DYLAN PLAY AND RUN OUTSIDE WITH GUS…IT’S THE MOST PRECIOUS THING IN THE WORLD.

-WATCH THE SUNRISE AND SET.

-GO TO THE ZOO LIKE A MILLION TIMES BEFORE NEXT WINTER COMES.

-TAKE DYLAN TO THE PARK LIKE EVERYDAY.

-PLANT SOME THINGS WITH DYLAN AND HOPE THAT THEY GROW.

-JUST BE ABLE TO GO OUTSIDE FOR HOURS AND NOT WORRY ABOUT SLIPPING ON THE ICE!

-NOT HAVE TO SEE WINTER ANYMORE…IT’S ALWAYS REMINDED ME OF DEATH…AND THIS PAST WINTER ONLY MADE THAT MORE REAL TO ME. I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE SOME LIFE.

LAST SPRING, DYLAN LEARNED TO SAY, “MOMMY, GOD WAKES EVERYTHING UP IN THE SPRING!”. MY HEART LONGS FOR THAT IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.

"EVERY EVENING SKY, AN INVITATION TO TRACE THE PATTERNED STARS.

AND EARLY IN JULY, A CELERATION...FOR FREEDOM THAT IS OURS.AND I NOTICE YOU IN CHILDREN'S GAMES AND THOSE WHO WATCH THEM FROM THE SHADE.EVERY DROP OF SUN IS FULL OF FUN AND WONDER, YOU ARE SUMMER.

AND EVEN WHEN THE TREES HAVE JUST SURRENDERED TO THE HARVEST TIME.

FORFEIT IN THEIR LEAVES IN LATE SEPTEMBER, SENDING US INSIDE.

STILL I NOTICE YOU WHEN CHANGE BEGINS AND I AM BRACED FOR COLDER WINDS.

I WILL OFFER THANKS FOR WHAT HAS BEEN AND WHAT'S TO COME, YOU ARE AUTUMN.

AND EVERYTHING IN TIME AND UNDER HEAVEN FINALLY FALLS ASLEEP

WRAPPED IN BLANKETS WHITE, ALL CREATION SHIVERS UNDERNEATH.

STILL I NOTICE YOU WHEN BRANCHES CRACK AND IN MY BREATH ON FROSTED GLASS.

EVEN NOW IN DEATH YOU OPENED DOORS FOR LIFE TO ENTER, YOU ARE WINTER.

AND EVERYTHING THAT'S NEW HAS BRAVELY SURFACED, TEACHING US TO BREATHE.

WHAT WAS FROZEN THROUGH IS NEWLY PURPOSED, TURNING ALL THINGS GREEN.

SO IT IS WITH YOU AND HOW YOU MAKE ME NEW WITH EVERY SEASON'S CHANGE

AND SO IT WILL BE, AS YOU ARE RECREATING ME SUMMER, AUTUMN, WINTER, SPRING."

-LYRICS BY NICHOLE NORDEMAN-

HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW CHEAP I AM? WELL, I AM. IT’S THE MAIN REASON I USE CLOTH DIAPERS/PULL-UPS. IT’S THE MAIN REASON I USUALLY EAT BEANS AND VEGETABLES. I THINK I EAT OFF OF ABOUT 7 OR 8 DOLLARS A WEEK. I’M NOT KIDDING. AND I EAT EXACTLY WHAT I WANT-BEANS AND VEGGIES!! WOW, I NEVER REALIZED HOW CHEAP IT WAS.
I ALSO NEVER OWNED A CAR CHARGER FOR MY PHONE UNTIL A FEW WEEKS AGO. WHAT WAS THE REASON? CHEAPNESS. AND MY HUSBAND FINALLY BOUGHT ME ONE-IT WAS A WHOLE TEN DOLLARS. BUT HEY, THAT’S A WHOLE WEEK OF FOOD FOR ME!!!
ANYWAY, WE DON’T HAVE CABLE OR SATELLITE, EITHER. THIS IS ONLY PARTLY DUE TO THE MONEY THING, THOUGH. I DON’T THINK WE’D WATCH IT ENOUGH FOR IT TO BE WORTH IT. THOUGH, I WOULD SOOOO GIVE ANYTHING FOR A GOOD, EDUCATIONAL STATION FOR DYLAN, AND FOOD NETWORK AND TLC. IF ONLY I COULD PAY FOR ONLY THOSE CHANNELS!! BEING FRUGAL IS ALSO HOW I MANAGED TO PUT TOGETHER MY SON’S SCHOOL CURRICULUM FOR PRESCHOOL, KINDERGARTEN, AND 1ST GRADE FOR….DRUM ROLL PLEASE…….AROUND $150. NOT KIDDING. IT MIGHT EVEN BE A LITTLE LESS THAN THAT. AND I HAVE STUFF WE MAY NOT EVEN USE…WE’LL HAVE TO SEE. I’M SO PROUD OF THAT. I KNOW HOMESCHOOLING ALWAYS COMES WITH THE TEMPTATION OF BUYING AND BUYING NEW THINGS…AND IT’S EASY TO GET CAUGHT UP IN THAT.

ON ANOTHER NOTE, I’M READY FOR SPRING. THE FIRST DAY THAT’S PRETTY, WE’RE HITTING THE ZOO…IF IT’S OPEN. I’M SO EXCITED. I DO NEED A FEW IDEAS. I’M PLANNING DYLAN’S SCHOOL YEAR, AND I AM LOOKING FOR SUPER CHEAP OR FREE FIELD TRIPS. ALL YOU HOMESCHOOLING MOMMAS WHO HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE, THROW ME SOME IDEAS!!! WE ARE NEAR “BASS PRO SHOPS”, SO THAT’S ALWAYS ONE WE HIT, THEN THE ZOO, AND AFTER THAT I KEEP DRAWING A BLANK. KEEP IN MIND I HAVE A THREE YEAR OLD BOY. AND I’M CHEAP. DID I MENTION THAT? ANY HELP IS APPRECIATED SO MUCH!!!

P.S. I'M THINKING ABOUT HAVING A "BLOG GIVEAWAY". BUT HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE WOULD BE INTERESTED. IF YOU ARE, LEAVE A COMMENT. AND PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS, AS I'M NOT ABLE TO SURF AROUND A LOT ON THE INTERNET. THE NEXT POST WILL HAVE TO DO WITH THE GIVEAWAY. EITHER WAY, I'LL DO IT IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS. I JUST NEED TO KNOW IF MORE THAN ONE PERSON WOULD TAKE PART!! IT'S GOING TO BE A GOOD PRIZE. AND IF IT GOES WELL, I'M PLANNING ON DOING THEM EVERY COUPLE OF WEEKS. :)

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, BREA TAGGED ME. SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG, GIRL! BUT HERE'S THAT TAG. YOU'RE TO LIST 5 THINGS YOU WISH FOR PHYSICALLY, 5 YOU WISH FOR SPIRITUALLY OR MEANINGFUL...AND THEN TAG FIVE OTHER PEOPLE. HERE GOES.

"PHYSICAL WANTS"

1. I WISH I WAS ABOUT A FOOT TALLER AND THEN I'D BE A PERFECT WEIGHT FOR MY HEIGHT. (ACCORDING TO THE BMI, WHICH EVERYONE KNOWS IS ACCURATE, AM I RIGHT?....YEAH, WHATEVER. MY HUSBAND IS 6'8"...HE'S A VERY THIN GUY...AND ACCORDING TO THAT THING, HE'S OVERWEIGHT!!) BUT I STILL WISH I WERE A FOOT TALLER. MAYBE I'D BE THIN THEN!

2. I WISH I WERE FILTHY RICH SO I COULD HELP THOSE IN NEED. SERIOUSLY, NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I DON'T THINK ABOUT MEN, WOMEN, AND CHILDREN WHO ARE IN DESPERATE NEED OF HELP AND DON'T GET ANY FROM ANYONE....EVEN THE CHURCH.

3. I WISH I LOOKED LIKE SALMA HAYEK, PENELOPE CRUZ, MARISKA FROM LAW AND ORDER SVU, OR ANY OF THOSE SMOKIN' HOT ACTRESSES.......BUT NOT ALL OF THEM AT ONCE. THAT'D PROBABLY LOOK WEIRD.

4. I WISH I COULD BUILD MY HUGE DREAM HOUSE AND START ADOPTING ALL THOSE BABIES I WANT TO ADOPT.

5. I WISH, AS I'VE SAID BEFORE, THAT MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND I COULD ALL LIVE TOGETHER IN A MANSION. GUESS I'LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR HEAVEN ON THAT ONE.

6. I WISH I COULD SPEAK FLUENTLY IN SPANISH.

7. I WISH I COULD FINISH SCHOOL BEFORE I'M 30.

8. I WISH I COULD LOVE MEAT MORE THAN I DO. I HARDLY EVER EAT IT.

"SPIRITUAL WANTS"

1. I WISH I WERE A BETTER DISCIPLE, DAUGHTER, WIFE, MOMMA, SISTER, FRIEND.......

2. I WISH I DIDN'T STRUGGLE SO MUCH WITH SELF DEPRECATION. (CAN YOU TELL?)

3. I WISH THE CHURCH OF AMERICA WOULD OPEN HER EYES AND REALIZE THAT THERE'S NO REASON FOR THE POVERTY LEVEL HERE.

4. I WISH THE CHURCH OF AMERICA WOULD LEARN TO TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME, NOT JUST SOME OF THE TIME. AND I WISH THEY'D ALSO SEE THAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYONE, NOT JUST THE ONES WE LIKE.

5. I WISH THE CHURCH OF AMERICA WOULD LEARN HOW TO MOURN AND GRIEVE WITH THOSE WHO NEED IT. THIS IS SO PERSONAL RIGHT NOW. GRIEF WAS NEVER MEANT FOR US TO DEAL WITH ALONE...AND THAT'S ALL TOO OFTEN WHAT HAPPENS. I WISH SHE WERE STILL HERE.

6. I WISH I COULD SEE MY FRIENDS MORE OFTEN. IT'S PRETTY LONELY WITHOUT THEM. I HOPE THEY KNOW MY LOVE FOR THEM RUNS DEEP. :)



I TAG: HILARIE, KRYSTLE, ANDREA, BENECCA, SARAH, VICKI, MANDY, AND JIL.


OKAY, SORRY. I DID MORE THAN FIVE WISHES AND TAGGED MORE THAN FIVE!! OOPS...I COULDN'T DECIDE. :)

EDIT: SORRY, I CAN'T SEEM TO GET SOME OF THOSE HYPERLINKS TO WORK.

***SORRY, I NEED TO CLARIFY.  NO NEED TO SHARE WITH ME WHAT YOU'RE SACRIFICING, I WAS JUST CURIOUS AS TO WHETHER ANYONE ELSE WOULD BE OBSERVING***

SO, IF YOU ARE PARTICIPATING, WHAT ARE YOU SACRIFICING OVER THE NEXT FEW WEEKS?  JUST CURIOUS.

BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE...

1. WE'RE SNOWED IN.
2. MY SWEET HUSBAND WAS AWOKEN BY DYLAN AT AROUND 5:00A.M. WITH AN INCESSANT PLEA OF "CAN WE GO PLAY IN THE SNOW NOW, DADDY...CAN WE? PWEEEEASE?"
3. MY DADDY'S COMING HERE FOR A WEEK!!!!!!!!!
4. I MADE COOKIES FOR THE BOYS...DOUBLE CHOCOLATE CHIP...WITH VEGGIES IN THEM. SAY WHAT? YUP. AND DID THEY EAT THEM ALL GONE? DEFINITELY.
5. THANKS TO ANDREA AND SARAH WHO'VE GIVEN MY BLOG THREE AWARDS...I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO ADD THEM TO MY PAGE. ANDREA'S WERE FROM WEEKS AND WEEKS AGO, SARAH'S WAS JUST THE OTHER DAY. THANKS SO MUCH, REALLY. YOU GALS WERE SWEET TO DO THAT. IT MAKES A LADY FEEL APPRECIATED AND THAT SOMEONE CARES! :)







P.S. PLEASE PRAY EXTRA FOR MY FAMILY THIS WEEK. MY MOMMA'S BIRTHDAY IS FEBRUARY 7TH. IT'S GOING TO BE ROUGH. THANKS SO MUCH.

SUNDAYS.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT OTHERS WHO'VE DEALT WITH GRIEF LIKE THIS, BUT I KNOW FOR ME, SUNDAYS ARE ALWAYS HARD. I THINK ESPECIALLY NOW BECAUSE OUR CULTURE IS SO GOOD ABOUT HIDING HOW THEY'RE REALLY DOING, SO THEY GET UP AND GO TO CHURCH, AND PRETEND EVERYTHING'S ALL PEACHY (I'VE ALSO DONE THIS) AND SING THESE SONGS TOGETHER...SAY, "HI, HOW ARE YOU?"...AND ANSWER, "OH, I'M FINE, THANK YOU." AND USUALLY, IT'S NOT FINE. PEOPLE ARE DEALING WITH MONEY PROBLEMS, FAMILY PROBLEMS, HEALTH PROBLEMS, SPIRITUAL PROBLEMS....YET YOU ALWAYS HEAR, "I'M FINE, THANKS". SO MANY PEOPLE ASK ME THAT, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? DO THEY REALLY WANT TO KNOW? AND AT THE SAME TIME, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. BUT I'M OFFENDED IF SOMEONE DOESN'T BRING IT UP. WHAT A WAY TO FEEL. I FELT SO FOREIGN FOR FEELING THAT WAY, WHICH IS WHY I'VE LOVED READING "A GRIEF OBSERVED". C.S. LEWIS WROTE SO MUCH OF THE EXACT THINGS I HAD BEEN FEELING, AND IT'S JUST SORT OF A COMFORT. I CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT PART. IF YOU SEE SOMEONE WHO YOU KNOW HAS EXPERIENCED LOSING A LOVED ONE, THERE'S AN AUTOMATIC CONNECTION. SORT OF AN "I KNOW, I HURT TOO. IT'S OKAY. I HATE THIS PAIN, TOO...". THERE'S A MAN IN TOWN WHO WE KNOW WHO LOST HIS WIFE SOME TIME AGO. TODAY I HAD MY HUSBAND ASK HIM TO COME SIT WITH US, WE WERE AT THE SAME RESTAURANT. I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT, BUT I JUST WANTED HIM TO BE NEAR US, JUST TO SORT OF LET HIM KNOW I'M GRIEVING, TOO. AND IT JUST HELPED ME TO KNOW SOMEONE WAS NEAR ME WHO HAS EXPERIENCED THIS UNBEARABLE HURT. IF YOU'VE DEALT WITH THIS, THE FOLLOWING EXCERPTS FROM C.S. LEWIS' BOOK WILL MAKE SO MUCH SENSE TO YOU:

"NO ONE EVER TOLD ME THAT GRIEF FELT SO LIKE FEAR. I AM NOT AFRAID, BUT THE SENSATION IS LIKE BEING AFRAID.......I KEEP ON SWALLOWING. AT OTHER TIMES IT FEELS LIKE BEING MILDLY DRUNK, OR CONCUSSED. THERE IS A SORT OF INVISIBLE BLANKET BETWEEN THE WORLD AND ME. I FIND IT HARD TO TAKE IN WHAT ANYONE SAYS. OR PERHAPS, HARD TO WANT TO TAKE IT IN. IT IS SO UNINTERESTING. YET I WANT OTHERS TO BE ABOUT ME. I DREAD THE MOMENTS WHEN THE HOUSE IS EMPTY. IF ONLY THEY WOULD TALK TO ONE ANOTHER AND NOT TO ME."...

"AN ODD BYPRODUCT OF MY LOSS IS THAT I'M AWARE OF BEING AN EMBARRASSMENT TO EVERYONE I MEET. AT WORK, AT THE CLUB, IN THE STREET, I SEE PEOPLE, AS THEY APPROACH ME, TRYING TO MAKE UP THEIR MINDS WHETHER THEY'LL 'SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT' OR NOT. I HATE IT IF THEY DO, AND IF THEY DON'T. ......... PERHAPS THE BEREAVED OUGHT TO BE ISOLATED IN SPECIAL SETTLEMENTS LIKE LEPERS. TO SOME I'M WORSE THAN AN EMBARRASSMENT. I AM DEATH'S HEAD. "

"THE ACT OF LIVING IS DIFFERENT ALL THROUGH. HER ABSENCE IS LIKE THE SKY, SPREAD OVER EVERYTHING."

-A GRIEF OBSERVED, BY C.S. LEWIS-

I MISS HER TERRIBLY.

SOMETHING NEW.

1. I LOVE MY HUSBAND. HE IS ALWAYS A MAN OF INTEGRITY AND LOVE, AND ALWAYS SACRIFICING HIMSELF FOR OTHERS…WITHOUT COMPLAINING. (SOMETIMES I COMPLAIN ALONG WITH SACRIFICE…I HATE THAT PART OF ME)
2. I LOVE RAINBOWS. I ALWAYS HAVE. I’VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO DECIDE MY FAVORITE COLOR, BECAUSE THE LIL’ GIRL IN ME HAS ALWAYS LOVED ALL OF THEM.
3. I WANT TO VISIT NEW YORK CITY, LONDON, AND SO MANY OTHER PLACES.
4. I HAVE A VERY HEAVY SOUTHERN ACCENT. I CAN’T HELP IT. AND I REFUSE TO TRY TO CHANGE IT TO “SOUND LIKE EVERYONE ELSE”. THIS IS WHO I AM!! I’M OKAY WITH WHO I AM…USUALLY…OKAY, I’M USUALLY NOT.
5. MY SISTER’S FIRST DAUGHTER IS NAMED AFTER ME.
6. I WAS NAMED AFTER MY MOMMA’S SISTER AND MY DADDY.
7. I LAUGH TOO MUCH. REALLY, I DO.
8. OFTEN I’M LAUGHING AT MYSELF…ALONG WITH MY BABY BOY.
9. I REALLY, REALLY LIKE MUSIC WITH A BEAT…TOBYMAC, NICOLE C. MULLEN, KIRK FRANKLIN…YOU KNOW, THAT MUSIC THAT YOU CAN’T HELP BUT MOVE YOUR HIPS TO WHEN YOU HEAR? THAT MUSIC.
10. I’M 5’1”. MY HUSBAND IS 6’7”. FOR THIS REASON, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE C-SECTIONS WITH OUR BABIES. MY FRIEND ONCE COMPARED IT TO A CHIHUAHUA HAVING A DOBERMAN PINSCHER. GO AHEAD, LAUGH. I KNOW IT’S FUNNY.
11. I’M A HALF BREED. MY VERY WHITE MOMMA MARRIED MY VERY MEXICAN DADDY, THUS BREEDING MY SISTER AND ME. SO, I CLAIM FULL RIGHTS OF MAKING FUN OF BOTH WHITES AND HISPANICS. :)
12. I LOVE SPICY FOOD, HENCE THE MEXICAN-NESS.
13. I DRINK WATER LIKE IT’S OXYGEN TO MY LUNGS.
14. I LOVED BEING PREGNANT, I HAD THE MOST AMAZING PREGNANCY, THE MOST AMAZING DELIVERY, AND BROUGHT HOME MY SON, WHO SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT HIS FIRST NIGHT HOME. HE’S STILL THE EASIEST CHILD TO RAISE, EVER. I OFTEN FEEL BAD BECAUSE THINGS HAVEN’T BEEN HARDER FOR ME…BUT THERE’S REALLY NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT THAT. I’LL LET YOU KNOW ABOUT THE NEXT ONES.
15. MY HUSBAND AND I ARE GOING TO CELEBRATE OUR 5TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY THIS SUMMER.
16. I’VE BEEN SCARED TO SHARE THIS, FOR FEAR OF WHAT PEOPLE MIGHT THINK. BUT QUITE HONESTLY, I DIDN’T HAVE MUCH TO DO WITH IT, IT JUST HAPPENED. MY SON STARTED READING WHEN HE WAS TWO AND A HALF. HE WAS SITTING ON MY LAP AND STARTED READING THE WORDS I WROTE ON HIS MAGNA DOODLE. IT WAS QUITE CRAZY.
17. HE ALSO STARTED WALKING AT AROUND 8 AND A HALF MONTHS…I PICKED HIM RIGHT UP AND TRIED TO POSTPONE THE INEVITABLE. (I HATE SEEING HIM GROW UP SO QUICKLY…BUT AT LEAST HE’LL BE A GOOD AGE TO HELP ME WITH OUR NEXT LIL’ ONES)
18. WE HAVE DIAL-UP. SO IN THE TIME IT TAKES YOU TO READ THIS, I’M PROBABLY STILL WAITING ON A PAGE TO LOAD.
19. I LOVE LIVING OUT IN THE COUNTRY. IT’S AN INDESCRIBABLE PEACE.
20. I LOVE COFFEE, GREEN TEA, WHITE TEA, VEGETABLES, AND ANY KIND OF FOOD THAT COMES FROM THE GROUND.
21. I STRUGGLE WITH BEING TOO VULNERABLE, TRUSTING, AND TRANSPARENT.
22. I STRUGGLE WITH OCD DAILY.
23. I CRY A LOT. I ALWAYS HAVE. ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS I WILL ASK THE LORD, AFTER ASKING TO SEE MY MOMMA, WILL BE, “WHY IN THE WORLD DID YOU MAKE ME SO EMOTIONAL?” SOMETIMES IT SEEMS LIKE IT’S NOT DOING A BIT OF GOOD FOR ME, OR ANYBODY ELSE. YET, I EMBRACE IT, BECAUSE I DID NOT MAKE MYSELF.
24. I LOVE TO READ.
25. I CRINGE WHEN I SEE CHRISTIANS BEHAVING LIKE HEATHENS, BUT SAYING IT’S ALL IN THE NAME OF “CHRISTIANITY”.
26. I HATE BOTH SEEING AND ADMITTING THAT SOME PEOPLE JUST DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT THEMSELVES.
27. I FORGIVE TOO MUCH WHEN SOMEONE HAS HURT ME. BUT NOT QUICK ENOUGH WHEN SOMEONE HURTS THOSE WHOM I LOVE.
28. I LONG FOR THE DAY WHEN WE CAN ALL REALIZE WHAT TRUE LOVE IS: THE CONSTANT SACRIFICE OF OURSELVES FOR OTHERS, FOR THE ONE TRUE KINGDOM.
29. I WISH PEOPLE LOVED OTHERS AS MUCH AS THEY LOVED THEIR MONEY AND THE THINGS IT CAN BUY.
30. I NEED A BREAK.
31. I CAN’T WAIT FOR REBECCA AND BEN TO HOLD THEIR BABY.
32. I WISH THE CHURCH WERE A PLACE THAT WELCOMED MORE THAN IT JUDGED.
33. I CAN’T WAIT FOR DARRYL TO GET HIS DOCTORATE, BECAUSE IT’S SO OBVIOUS THAT’S WHAT HE WAS MADE FOR.
34. I LOVE HEARING MY HUSBAND PREACH. HE NEVER DOES IT IN THE TYPICAL WAY. IT’S ALWAYS MORE OF A CONFESSION…OF SHARING HIS HEART, RATHER THAN THE WELL-KNOWN, “GOD SAYS THIS, THIS IS BAD, DO WHAT I SAY…ETC”.
35. I WISH MY FAMILY AND ME, ALONG WITH ALL MY BESTEST FRIENDS COULD ALL LIVE TOGETHER IN A HUGE CASTLE. YOU THINK I’M JOKING, BUT I’D GIVE ANYTHING FOR THAT.
36. I LIKE TO MAKE LISTS. I MAKE THEM SO OFTEN, IT’S CRAZY. I NEED LISTS FOR MY LISTS. HILARIE MADE ME FEEL NOT SO WEIRD WHEN SHE SHARED WITH ME THAT SHE DOES THE SAME THING
37. I NEED TO STOP TYPING. THE BABY’S ABOUT TO BE UP.
38. IF YOU READ ALL THIS, BLESS YOUR WEE’ LIL’ HEART. YOU DESERVE A HUG FROM ME. ;) THANKS FOR HUMORING ME. I LOVE READING OTHER PEOPLE’S LISTS, TOO..HINT, HINT. ;) OKAY, I’M REALLY DONE.

7 THINGS I'VE BEEN DOING...

1. FEEDING PEOPLE
2. CLEANING
3. LISTENING TO SOME GOOD MUSIC
4. WATCHED THE COMPLETE THIRD SEASON OF "THE OFFICE" WITH DARRYL, JIL, JUSTIN, AND ELIZABETH. (ALL IN ONE NIGHT...YEAH, WE WERE UP LATE...GOOD TIMES)
5. HUGGING MY BABY
6. PLAYING A BIT WITH MY ITOUCH
7. LAUGHING AT DYLAN DANCING AROUND NAKED.


*WE HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH JIL AND JUSTIN. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. AND ELIZABETH AND DAVEY CAME OVER A COUPLE NIGHTS, TOO. LOVE THEM SO MUCH ALSO.
PEOPLE DEAL WITH GRIEF IN SO MANY WAYS. ONE WILL NEVER KNOW HOW THEY DEAL WITH IT UNTIL THEY'VE COME FACE TO FACE WITH IT. SOME PEOPLE WITHDRAW, SOME PEOPLE CLOSE THEMSELVES OFF, SOME STAY BUSY. ALL GOOD THINGS, AS LONG AS THEY DON'T CONTROL THAT PERSON. ME, I'VE DONE A BIT OF IT ALL. BUT, THE ONE THING THAT HELPS ME SO MUCH MORE IS BEING WITH MY FAMILY AND CLOSE FRIENDS. I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT. I LOVED BEING ABLE TO SEE HILARIE, KRYSTLE, REBECCA, KELI AND ZACH WHEN I WAS IN OKLAHOMA. AND I LOVED HAVING THE NEWKIRKS AND DAVEYS OVER. IT MEANS A LOT TO ME THAT THEY TOOK SOME OF THEIR OWN TIME AND INVESTED IT IN ME. I CAN'T EXPLAIN HOW IT HAS TOUCHED MY HEART THROUGH THIS EXTRA SENSITIVE TIME. (WHICH I KNOW WILL STAY SENSITIVE...THAT'LL NEVER WEAR OFF.)
SEVERAL MONTHS AGO ON THE PHONE, I TOLD MY SWEET FRIEND MANDOLYN HOW MUCH MY FRIENDS MEAN TO ME. FOR SOME REASON, I'VE BEEN GIVEN NUMEROUS SPECIAL FRIENDSHIPS OVER THE PAST EIGHT TO NINE YEARS. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW LIFE IS SO MUCH EASIER TO HANDLE WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS TO SHARE IT WITH. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AND WILL ALWAYS BE CLOSEST WITH MY DADDY, MOMMA, SISTER, HUSBAND, SON...BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE FRIENDSHIPS IN LIFE THAT HELP SO MUCH. I'VE ALWAYS LOOKED UPON FRIENDSHIPS AS SUCH A BLESSED GIFT. I NEVER THOUGHT IN A MILLION YEARS THAT I'D ENDURE WHAT I HAVE ENDURED RECENTLY. AND THESE BLESSINGS I'VE BEEN GIVEN HAVE SOFTENED THE BLOW. I LOVE YOU GUYS. YOU REALLY CAN'T KNOW HOW MUCH I NEED YOU ALL. AND I WILL EVEN MORE NOW, BECAUSE I HAVE TO HAVE SOMEONE TO CALL WHEN I'M REACHING TO DIAL MY MOMMA'S NUMBER. THANK YOU FOR MOURNING WITH ME.

HERE'S SOME LIL' "FRIEND QUOTES" AND VERSES THAT I LOVE.

"THE BEST WAY TO HAVE A FRIEND IS TO BE ONE." -RALPH WALDO EMERSON

"LIFE IS NOTHING WITHOUT FRIENDSHIP." -CICERO

"A FRIEND LOVES AT ALL TIMES.." -PROVERBS 17:17

"OIL AND PERFUME MAKE THE HEART GLAD, SO A MAN'S COUNSEL IS SWEET TO HIS FRIEND." -PROVERBS 27:9

"THE FRIENDSHIP THAT CAN CEASE HAS NEVER BEEN REAL." -SAINT JEROME

"SHOW ME YOUR FRIENDS AND I'LL SHOW YOU YOUR FUTURE." -???

"GREATER LOVE HAS NO ONE THAN THIS, THAT ONE LAY DOWN HIS LIFE FOR HIS FRIENDS." -JOHN 15:13-

WHAT MANY DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

I HAVE SOME MAJOR ISSUES WITH THE BIBLE. (I SAY THAT TONGUE IN CHEEK.) I MEAN, I READ TO DYLAN SO MUCH, YET THERE ARE PARTS OF THE BIBLE I WON’T READ TO HIM YET-HE’S ONLY JUST TURNED THREE. I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT ALL THESE THINGS SO MUCH MORE LATELY, BECAUSE I’VE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS GRIEF. I AM NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO CAN JUST IGNORE THE THINGS THAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND. LIKE I SAID, MANY THINGS IN OUR LIVES WILL NOT BE ANSWERED UNTIL THE END. STILL, I’M SO WEARY OF HEARING (MYSELF AT TIMES) AND OTHERS GLOSS OVER PARTS OF THE BIBLE THAT THEY DON’T LIKE. WE MUST COME FACE TO FACE WITH THESE THINGS. IF YOU’RE LIKE ME, I GET SO TIRED OF PROSPERITY PREACHING. NO, IT’S NOT JUST ONE DENOMINATION THAT PREACHES THIS-YOU CAN FIND IT EVERYWHERE. “GOD WILL BLESS YOU WITH MONEY IF YOU…(FILL IN THE BLANK)…GOD WILL GIVE YOU MANY CHILDREN IF YOU…(FILL IN THE BLANK)…GOD WILL MAKE BRING YOU SO MUCH HAPPINESS IF YOU…(FILL IN THE BLANK).” HERE’S MY QUESTIONS TO THOSE THINGS…YOU WANT MONEY?...YOU FOLLOW JESUS, A HOMELESS MAN WHO DID NOT HAVE A LOT OF RICHES. CHILDREN ARE A WONDERFUL BLESSING…BUT I GET SO WEARY OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE A LOT OF CHILDREN THINKING THEY’VE BEEN GIVEN THEM BECAUSE THEY’RE BLESSED, AND THOSE WHO DON’T HAVE ANY ARE CURSED. JESUS DIDN’T HAVE ANY. THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE WHO CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN WHO HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG IN THEIR LIVES…IT’S NOT A PUNISHMENT. AND TO GO FURTHER, THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE WITH A LOT OF CHILDREN WHO DO NOTHING BUT SEE THEIR LITTLE ONES AS A BURDEN. YOU KNOW YOU’VE SEEN IT. YOU WANT HAPPINESS? DID JESUS LOOK HAPPY ON THE CROSS? AREN’T YOU TRYING TO FOLLOW HIM?

I’M NOT SURE WHY I’M ADDRESSING ALL OF THIS NOW, I JUST FELT THE NEED TO WRITE ABOUT IT. MAYBE IT’S JUST FOR MY SAKE. WHO KNOWS? BUT IF YOU’RE LIKE ME, AND SOME OF THE FRIENDS I HAVE, HERE’S SOMETHING TO CHEW ON.

*THE FLOOD.
*THE CROSS.
*A FATHER TOLD TO SACRIFICE HIS SON. (THOUGH HE DIDN’T HAVE TO IN THE END…HE WAS STILL TOLD TO DO SO.)
*JOB-THE LORD INITIATED THAT WHOLE STORY.
*“IS IT NOT FROM THE MOUTH OF THE MOST HIGH THAT BOTH GOOD AND ILL GO FORTH?”-LAMENTATIONS 3:38

WE HAVE GOT TO STOP THINKING LIKE AMERICANS. WE’RE NOT THE ONLY ONES WHO TRY TO FOLLOW OUR LORD. THOUGH WE HAVE OUR MORTGAGES, OUR PRIVATE SCHOOLS, OUR SAVINGS’ ACCOUNTS, OUR FREEDOM…THERE ARE MANY OTHERS-RIGHT AT THIS MINUTE-WHO HAVE NONE OF THOSE THINGS. I’M NOT SAYING WE SHOULD ALL FEEL BAD FOR HAVING THESE THING….I AM SAYING WE NEED TO BE AWARE AND DO OUR PART, WHATEVER THAT MAY BE. YOU KNOW, IN YOUR HEART OF HEARTS WHAT THAT IS.
WE HAVE GOT TO STOP READING ONLY THE PARTS OF THE BIBLE THAT WE LIKE AND THAT MAKE US FEEL ALL WARM AND FUZZY ON THE INSIDE. I AM NOT SAYING WE NEED TO FORGET THE GOOD…WE JUST NEED TO ACKNOWLEDGE THOSE THINGS THAT WE DON’T UNDERSTAND. I HAVE A PROBLEM READING TO MY SON ABOUT THE FLOOD, BECAUSE I DON’T WANT HIM TO ASK ME YET, “MOMMY, WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO WEREN’T IN THE ARK…”. ANYONE THINK THEY CAN ANSWER THAT? THERE WERE BABIES, WOMEN, MEN…ALL LEFT OUTSIDE OF THE ARK. WHAT DO WE DO WITH THAT?

I GUESS FOR ME, I’M FINDING A NEW SORT OF COMFORT THROUGH THIS. LIVING THROUGH SUCH A HORRIBLE INCIDENT HAS MADE ME SEE GOD SO MUCH BIGGER THAN HE ALREADY WAS TO ME. IT HAS MADE ME REMEMBER THAT SATAN ISN’T GOD’S EQUALLY POWERFUL, NEMESIS…GOD IS THE MOST POWERFUL ONE…EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS…EVERYTHING, EVEN THE HORRIBLE, HAPPENS BECAUSE GOD ALLOWS. THAT COMFORTS ME NOW. BECAUSE THE LORD IS BIGGER THAN THE DISGUSTINGNESS WE SEE HERE. HE HAS ALREADY DEFEATED IT. I WILL BE UNITED WITH MY MOMMA AGAIN ONE DAY, BECAUSE HE HAS HER.

MY GRANDPA TOLD MY FATHER MANY, MANY YEARS AGO, “SON, IF YOU GO ON TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, YOU WILL SEE A LOT OF DEATH”. HE WAS RIGHT. AND OH, DID MY DADDY SEE DEATH, FACE TO FACE. AS MY SISTER AND I DID. BUT THIS ISN’T THE FINAL WORD. THAT’S OUR STRENGTH, THAT’S OUR COMFORT…THIS IS NOT THE END. THAT IS HOW WE CAN SEE THIS AND STILL FOLLOW OUR LORD, THE VERY ONE WHO HAS SLAIN US.

TODAY’S BEEN A REALLY HARD DAY. I DON’T KNOW WHY. I WISH I DID. I’VE CRIED COUNTLESS TIMES, IT’S LIKE I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO TURN IT OFF. THERE’S NOTHING LIKE THIS HURT. MY MOMMA WAS LIKE THE OTHER HALF OF ME, AND NOW SHE’S BEEN RIPPED AWAY. THAT FEELING, THAT REALITY,…….THERE’S NO EARTHLY WAY TO DESCRIBE IT.

I THINK OF ALL THE WAYS I’M LIKE HER NOW. MY HANDS ARE JUST LIKE HERS. MY SISTER TOLD ME A FEW WEEKS AGO THAT HER MOTHER-IN-LAW SAID THAT…WHEN SHE LOOKED AT HER HANDS, SHE THOUGHT OF HER MOTHER, AND THAT JUST GAVE HER THIS FEELING INSIDE. IT MADE ME REMEMBER THAT. MANY TIMES OVER MY LIFE, MY MOMMA AND I WOULD TALK ABOUT HOW MY HANDS, MY FINGERNAILS, WERE JUST LIKE HERS. I LOVE THAT. I HOPE THAT I CAN EVEN ALMOST EXHIBIT THE QUALITIES THAT SHE IS KNOWN FOR.

I HAVE TALKED SO MUCH OF MY FEELINGS THROUGH THIS, IT’S ALL I’VE BEEN ABLE TO DO. I HOPE THAT IT HAS HELPED SOMEONE ELSE, ANYONE ELSE. I HOPE THAT IF SOMEONE ELSE HAS GONE THROUGH THIS, THEY’RE NOT AFRAID TO FEEL. I HOPE THEY’RE NOT AFRAID TO BE ANGRY, HURT, CONFUSED, FEEL BETRAYED, LOVED, ENCOURAGED...ALL AT ONCE. THAT’S OKAY TO DO. I’VE SAID COUNTLESS TIMES SINCE ALL THIS HAS HAPPENED THAT IT IS NOT UP TO THOSE WHO MOURN AND GRIEVE TO “BE STRONG”…THOUGH MANY PEOPLE TELL US TO. IT’S NOT UP TO US TO “GET OVER IT”. WHEN DOES THAT HAPPEN? WHAT, I WAKE UP ONE DAY, SAY THREE TO TEN YEARS DOWN THE ROAD, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I’M OVER IT? I’M OVER THE FACT THAT I DON’T HAVE MY MOMMA AND BEST FRIEND HERE? NEVER. I, YOU, IF YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS, WILL NOT GET OVER IT. THERE WILL JUST BE A NEW WAY OF LIVING UNTIL WE HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF SEEING THEM AGAIN. I HOPE THAT I HAVE HELPED ANYONE, EVEN IF IT’S JUST MYSELF, UNDERSTAND THAT FOLLOWING CHRIST DOES NOT ALWAYS BRING GOOD THINGS. I’VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR YEARS. I HOPE I’VE ALSO LET YOU, IF YOU’VE EXPERIENCED SUCH A DEEP GRIEF, KNOW THAT IT’S OKAY TO BE ANGRY AT GOD-WHILE LOVING AND SERVING HIM ALL THE WHILE. HE KNOWS WHAT HE HAS ALLOWED. AT THE SAME TIME, HE KNOWS WHAT’S IN STORE. WHEN I SAY THAT, I DON’T MEAN WHAT’S IN STORE NOW…I MEAN WHAT’S IN STORE FOR US AT THE END. WHICH, IRONICALLY, WILL BE THE BEGINNING. I HOPE THAT MY JOURNEY THROUGH THIS SINCE DECEMBER 4TH WILL ALSO HELP SOMEONE ELSE AT SOME POINT. BECAUSE I KNOW THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT AND LONELINESS. I HOPE THAT I HAVE HELPED SOMEONE ELSE UNDERSTAND THAT THERE ARE NO ANSWERS. WE WILL NEVER FIND AN ANSWER HERE AS TO WHY TRAGEDY HAPPENS TO ANYONE. WE’VE NEVER BEEN GIVEN ONE FROM THE LORD, HIMSELF, SO DON’T THINK ANYONE ELSE CAN EVER ANSWER THAT. THAT IS WHAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND, AND WHAT I’VE SAID MANY TIMES OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS. I REFUSE TO GO CHASING ANSWERS, ALL THE WHILE KNOWING THAT THERE WILL BE A DEAD END. I TAKE COMFORT RIGHT NOW IN KNOWING THAT I WILL RECEIVE ALL THE ANSWERS TO MY QUESTIONS REGARDING THE DEATH OF MY MOMMA, AND MANY OTHER THINGS, WHEN THE SHOFAR SOUNDS.

MANY PEOPLE HAVE ASKED IF WE’LL KNOW OUR LOVED ONES IN HEAVEN. WITHOUT GOING INTO A THEOLOGICAL DEBATE…WHY WOULDN’T WE? WHY WOULD GOD GIVE US SUCH A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, HOLY, GRACEFUL THING SUCH AS OUR LOVED ONES…ONLY TO TAKE THEM AWAY FOR ETERNITY? I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT. I WILL SHARE WITH YOU SOMETHING THAT WILL PROBABLY BE VERY EMOTIONAL TO READ. THERE HAS BEEN ONE GREAT THING THAT HAS HELPED ME GET THROUGH THIS. BEING THERE IN THE HOSPITAL WITH MY MOMMA JUST LAYING THERE, WAITING FOR EITHER GOD TO WAKE HER UP OR TAKE HER, I KEPT THINKING OF HOW STRONG A BOND IT IS BETWEEN A MOTHER AND HER CHILD. I KEPT THINKING HOW CLOSE I WAS WITH MY MOMMA, HOW CLOSE I STILL AM, CLOSER THAN I CAN DESCRIBE. I KEPT THINKING OF HOW CLOSE I AM WITH DYLAN. I KEPT THINKING THAT MY MOMMA WAS THERE WITH ME-THOUGH NOT PHYSICALLY-SHE WAS THERE. THIS THOUGHT GOT ME THROUGH THAT, AND IS STILL WITH ME FOREVERMORE: SHE WAS MOURNING WITH ME, WITH MY DADDY, MY SISTER, ALL THE WHILE. SHE KNEW OUR PAIN ALL TOO WELL. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE WAS THAT SHE HAD, AND NOW HAS THE GREAT COMFORTER, HIMSELF, THERE WITH HER. SHE GRIEVES WITH ME. THAT’S WHAT GOT ME THROUGH ALL THOSE DAYS OF WAITING. THAT’S WHAT HELPED ME THEN AND HELPS ME NOW. SHE NOW HAS ALL THE ANSWERS TO THESE EARTHLY QUESTIONS THAT WILL HAUNT US UNTIL WE’RE TAKEN HOME. I’M JEALOUS THAT SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THESE THINGS ANYMORE. I ENCOURAGE YOU, IF YOU’VE LOST SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU, GRIEVE. THERE WILL NEVER BE A TIME WHEN YOU WON’T MISS THEM.

“SNOW ANGEL, SNOW ANGEL
SOMEDAY I’M GONNA FLY
THIS COLD AND BROKEN HEART OF MINE
WILL ONE DAY SAY GOODBYE.
GOODBYE TO THIS CRUEL, WICKED WORLD
AND ALL THE TEARS I’VE CRIED…
SNOW ANGEL, SNOW ANGEL,
I’LL MEET YOU IN THE SKY.”

-OVER THE RHINE-


ON A MUCH LIGHTER NOTE, I'M ENJOYING MY ITOUCH MY HUSBAND GOT FOR ME FOR CHRISTMAS. I'M CURRENTLY HOOKED ON "THE OFFICE". MY DADDY WILL BE HERE SOON, WHENEVER HE GETS A TRANSFER. I'VE GOTTEN TO TALK TO HILARIE SO MUCH, AND KRYSTLE FOR A LONG TIME YESTERDAY...THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH GOOD THEY BRING TO MY HEART. JIL AND YUSTIN ARE COMING THIS WEEKEND, WHICH I'M SO GLAD ABOUT. MY SISTER LIVES JUST A SHORT DRIVE AWAY, WHICH HELPS SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. WINTER WILL BE OVER SOON. EASTER IS COMING...IN SO MANY WAYS. MY HUSBAND AND SON ARE AMAZING. DARRYL HAS HELPED SO MUCH, JUST BECAUSE HE'S HIM. I THANK GOD FOR A MAN WHO DIES TO HIMSELF DAILY AND LIVES FOR ME. I ONLY HOPE HE SEES ME THE WAY I SEE HIM.

A PRETTY LONG ONE.

I DON’T KNOW WHY I HAVEN’T HEARD OTHER PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THIS OPENLY. IT ACHES MY ALREADY BURDENED AND BROKEN HEART TO TRY TO GO THROUGH THIS ALONE, WHEN I KNOW OTHERS HAVE BEEN HERE. WHY AREN’T PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THIS? AND CHRISTIANS ARE THE WORST. WE LOVE TO PRETEND EVERYTHING’S SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS (I DO THIS MYSELF) WHEN WE KNOW IT’S NOT. THIS IS PAINFUL. THIS IS PURE HELL. WHY HAVE CHRISTIANS COME UP WITH FAKE ANSWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS? I KNOW MY BLOG LATELY HASN’T BEEN TOO “UPLIFTING”. BUT HOW COULD IT BE? I COULD PRETEND THAT I AM FINE, THAT LIFE IS GOOD, THAT EVERYTHING IS JUST PEACHES AND ROSES. THE FACT IS THAT IT’S NOT. I WILL NOT SKATE OVER THAT, IN HOPES OF NOT DEALING WITH IT AND FACING A DEAD END…ONLY TO FACE AGAIN WHAT I NEED TO FACE NOW.

“…THE SONS OF GOD CAME TO PRESENT THEMSELVES BEFORE THE LORD, AND SATAN ALSO CAME AMONG THEM……THE LORD SAID TO SATAN, ‘HAVE YOU CONSIDERED MY SERVANT JOB?’……THEN SATAN ANSWERED THE LORD, ‘DOES JOB FEAR GOD FOR NOTHING? HAVE YOU NOT MADE A HEDGE ABOUT HIM AND HIS HOUSE AND ALL THAT HE HAS, ON EVERY SIDE? …BUT PUT FORTH YOUR HAND NOW AND TOUCH ALL THAT HE HAS; HE WILL SURELY CURSE YOU TO YOUR FACE.’. …….THEN THE LORD SAID TO SATAN, ‘BEHOLD, ALL THAT HE HAS IS IN YOUR POWER, ONLY DO NOT PUT FORTH YOUR HAND ON HIM.’ SO SATAN DEPARTED FROM THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD.” JOB CHAPTER ONE (PIECES LEFT OUR FOR THE SAKE OF TIME, I’D ENCOURAGE YOU TO READ THE WHOLE CHAPTER.)

I DON’T KNOW IF I’M JUST A WEIRDO OR WHAT, BUT THIS WHOLE THING IS HARD. ALL OF IT. MISSING HER, LOVING HER, WANTING TO TALK TO HER…IT SUCKS. BUT EVEN MORESO IS THAT I KEEP HEARING PEOPLE SAY TO ME TO TRUST GOD, TO GIVE HIM MY WORRIES, HE KNOWS HOW HARD THIS IS. INDEED, I AM TO TRUST HIM, HE DOES TELL US TO CAST OUR CARES UPON HIM, AND HE KNOWS HOW TOUGH THIS IS. BUT THE HARDEST PART THROUGH ALL OF THIS IS TRUSTING HIM. I MEAN, HE IS THE ONE WHO ALLOWED THIS HORRIBLE THING. I WOULD NEVER EVEN TYPE ON A BLOG WHAT WE HAVE ENDURED SINCE DECEMBER 4TH. IT HAS BEEN HORRIBLE, A GROSS THING TO HAVE TO SEE AND LIVE THROUGH. AND GOD KNOWS THAT, HE KNOWS…YET HE CHOSE NOT TO STOP IT. THAT’S THE WRENCH IN THE GEARS. I, WE, AS CHRISTIANS, HAVE TO RECONCILE THIS. WE CANNOT GO BLINDLY ON, PRETENDING THAT THIS IS NOT TRUE. YES, GOD IS LOVING, CARING, GRACE-GIVING, MERCIFUL, THE GREAT REDEEMER…YET, HE IS THE ONE WHO ALLOWS WHAT WE ENDURE IN THIS LIFE…HE IS ALSO A GOD OF SORROWS. I HAVE YET TO FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TALK ABOUT THIS WITH ME. THAT’S WHAT IS MAKING THIS ALL EVEN LONELIER THAN IT ALREADY IS.


YES, I LOVE MY GOD, YES, I WILL ALWAYS SERVE HIM. AM I MAD AT HIM? YES! DUH, I THINK IF I WEREN’T, I WOULDN’T HAVE A HEART. DO I FEEL BETRAYED BY HIM? YES. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, HE IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BIGGER THAN MY FEELINGS OF HURT, BETRAYAL, AND ANGER. HE IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN THESE EMOTIONS THAT HE PLACED INSIDE OF ME. HE IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN THE FACT THAT I STRUGGLE WITH TRUSTING HIM AGAIN. THAT IS WHY I SERVE HIM. HE CAN HANDLE ALL I DISH OUT. I WOULD NEVER TURN MY BACK ON A GOD THAT BIG. HE HAS MY MOMMA, HE HAS ME, MY FATHER, MY SISTER, MY HUSBAND, MY SON. HE HAS US ALL. AND HE HAS YOU. DON’T BE AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT THE FEELINGS AND REALITY THAT YOU DEAL WITH. HE KNOWS OUR HEARTS, ANYWAY. AND HE NOT ONLY KNOWS, HE CAUSED A LOT OF THEM. WE MUST RECONCILE THIS IF WE CHOOSE TO FOLLOW HIM AT ALL COSTS.


P.S. IF YOU HAVEN'T LISTENED TO "OVER THE RHINE", I'D ENCOURAGE YOU TO! THEY'RE AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL. I'VE NEVER BEEN SO MOVED AND COMFORTED BY MUSIC THAN NOW-THROUGH THEM. THE FOLLOWING IS SOME OF THEIR LYRICS...

'SNOW ANGEL'

"SNOW ANGEL, SNOW ANGEL, SOMEDAY I'M GONNA FLY
THIS COLD AND BROKEN HEART OF MINE WILL ONE DAY WAVE GOODBYE
GOODBYE TO THIS CRUEL WICKED WORLD AND ALL THE TEARS I'VE CRIED
SNOW ANGEL, SNOW ANGEL, I'LL MEET YOU IN THE SKY"


'POUGHKEEPSIE'

"There are those who know sorrow
And those who must borrow
And those whose lot in life is sweet.
Well I'm drunk on self-pity,
Scorned all that's been given me,
I would drink from a bottle labeled Sure Defeat.

I'd ride on the backs of the angels tonight.
I'd take to the sky with all my might.
No more drowning in my sorrow,
No more drowning in my fright,
I'd just ride on the backs of the angels tonight"



'HAPPY TO BE SO'

Anything I say will be held against me,
So I won't say much or I'll spill it all.
By the light of day it's an elusive feeling,
But every single night that's immaterial.

I know a love that will not let me go.
My heart is bound and happy to be so.
It's so happy to be so,
Happy to be so,Happy, happy, happy to be so.

If I try to pray, it's like a game of red rover.
I take a real good run at it,
but I can't break through.
Don't matter anyway. I'm so redhanded.
The game is over. I'll just tell the truth.

I know a love that will not let me go.
My heart is bound and gagged and on death row.
It's so happy to be so,Happy to be so,
Happy, happy, happy to be so. Ooh

(ABOVE TAKEN FROM "LYRICS.CHRISTIANSUNITE.COM")