I John 3:18

All original content copyright Jessica Nicole Schafer, 2007-2016.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I had a very. long. day.

Nothing major happened, just a lot of little things. The day didn't go as planned...bad attitudes throughout the house. All these little things just added up, piling up on my back, and reminding me of all the things I've already been worried about for the past several months.

And reminding me most of all that I miss my Momma.
I need her.
Tonight, I really wanted to talk to her.

I found myself driving and just crying harder than I've cried in a long time. I was asking question after question to God. And at one point I came back to that age old question, "Why did this have to happen to me?!?!?!?!". Of course, I already know that there is no answer to that question. But I, like many others, will keep asking it.

I'm reading a book called "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. I HIGHLY suggest it. It's brutally honest. In times like tonight, when I feel so utterly alone, books like this remind me that I am not alone.

Her absence is everywhere. When I want to call her to tell her something cute that Dylan did. When I want to call and ask her a question about when I was younger. When I talk to Daddy. When I see a lady having a nice day out with her grandchild. When Dylan asks to talk to Nana because he misses her. When I dream about her--only to wake up to reality. When Darryl calls his Mom. When I remember her laugh. When I hear friends talking about their Mothers babysitting for them.

As hard as that is to read....as hard as it is to write....trust me, it's much harder to feel all those feelings.

Being without her has changed me. And of course it would. It has made me see the great delicacy of life. It has made me know a side of God I never knew before. It has made me more vulnerable. It has made me love harder.

And on days like today, it reminds me that I'm still a little girl who sometimes just needs her Momma.