An Everyday Nightmare.

Grief is messy.

Try as I may, I can’t describe it fully. I cannot put into words the gaping, bleeding hole that rips through me daily as I mourn her. If you were to ask me to describe it in one word, it would be impossible…..though “nightmare” is the first that comes to mind. The same nightmare every. single. day.

Grief is heavy.

We can’t carry it alone, nor were we ever supposed to. How could one ever be able to bear alone the deep sorrow and sadness that accompanies losing somebody that was a part of them? If it is true that love never fails (which I believe it is) then it won’t fail now, even after death.

Grief is cyclical.

It is always here, staring me in the face. Greeting me in the morning, reminding me of this present reality. Staring at me in the mirror as I hold back more tears, wishing I could just call and hear her tell me, “Everything will be okay, I’m here…”…It is here in the winter, the spring, summer, and autumn. And some days, it’s so heavy that the tears just flow, regardless of how hard I try to contain them.

Grief can’t be contained.

There is not a word to describe what we feel for those who are closest to us. Our “cups runneth over”. It is the same with grief…we can’t pretty it up and tuck it away. It is carried within us, echoing the love that was/is shared between ourselves and the missing ones we long for.

Grief is real.

Regardless of how hard we try to ignore our hurts, they will still be there. Have you ever seen somebody cry about their departed loved one? Did it seem fake to you? OF COURSE NOT! It is such a real thing….that we don’t know what to do sometimes. We don’t know how to react. We don’t know what to say, but we do know it hurts. It hurts like hell. That is, maybe, the best way to describe it. Every year, from December 4th to December 14th, I am visited by the reminder of walking through hell…and it does not hurt any less.

And how could it?? Time heals all wounds? REALLY? Then why do we still grieve over a Saviour who was crucified years and years ago? Why do we still hurt? Time may heal some wounds, true, but I hope I never see the day on this side of Heaven when we wake up and say, “You know, I am totally healed of grieving my loved one!”….there is only one Day that will end my grieving heart regarding my Momma…..

I’ve been told that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Let me tell you, I have tried to tuck it away. I cannot. For some reason, try as I may, it stays there. My writing about grief has been more than an outlet for me to trudge through the days without her. My hope is that it brings comfort to somebody, anybody else, if even for a moment……because the scariest thing in the world is to live through this nightmare called Grief alone.

Love is a mystery. If that statement is true, then so is grief. Many who study this very subject discover how difficult it is to define, and how endless it is. It’s limitless. Yet I press on, living through each moment….sometimes minute by minute….and I relish in the comfort I get from Him and His children.
I write for you who are hurting, in the hopes of letting you know that you are not alone.

Grief runs deep.
Grief is raw.
Grief can be a sweet reminder of happy moments.
Grief is always fresh when we think of the missing ones.
Grief can bring tears, laughs, anger, hurt, resentment, bitterness, hatred, screams, sighs…..

Grief just “is”.

In my tears, in my hurting, in my missing Her…….I can’t help but think of the others I know who are hurting. I can’t help but hurt with and for them. I can’t help but share my story with them, so I can somehow, in my small corner of the world, whisper, “Me, too”…….

“For if we have never loved,
Our hearts would never break.”