I'VE BEEN CHANGED SO MUCH THROUGH ALL OF THIS. NOT BY MY CHOOSING, OF COURSE. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN SO OPTIMISTIC, IT'S CRAZY. AND NOW, I THINK THAT PART OF ME IS GONE. NOT THAT I'M HOPELESS, OR EVEN PESSIMISTIC. I THINK I'M JUST MORE OF A REALIST NOW. I'M NOT FOOLISH ENOUGH TO THINK THAT I DESERVE ANY BETTER OF A LOT IN LIFE THAN CHRIST...I MEAN, HE WAS CRUCIFIED. AND HE'S THE ONE I FOLLOW. SO I CAN'T EXPECT FOR EVERYTHING TO BE ROSES ALL THE TIME. (SO MUCH FOR PROSPERITY PREACHING) BUT, I WILL SAY THIS. MY HEART HAS BEEN CHANGED SO MUCH-IN AN INSTANT. THERE'S NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW SOMETHING SO TRAUMATIC CAN INSTANTLY ROCK YOU TO THE CORE.
ONE THING THAT HAS TOTALLY BEEN ALTERED FOR ME IS PRAYER. THINK ABOUT IT. WHAT DID YOU PRAY FOR TODAY? OR DID YOU? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN INCESSANTLY ASKING THE LORD FOR? SHOULD YOU EVEN BE ASKING FOR IT?
I CAN'T PRAY SELFISHLY ANYMORE. NOT BECAUSE IT'S THE "NOBLE" THING TO DO, BUT BECAUSE I CAN'T, FOR MY SAKE. IF I PUT MY HOPE IN THE LORD ANSWERING A PRAYER OF MINE AND HE DOESN'T ANSWER IT...MY HOPE WILL BE SHATTERED. BUT IF I SIMPLY HOPE IN THE ONE I'M PRAYING TO...NOTHING CAN BE SHATTERED. BECAUSE NO MATTER THE CRIES OF MY HEART, NO MATTER THE HOURS I SPEND PRAYING, NO MATTER THE TIME SPENT ON FASTING...THOUGH ALL THOSE THINGS DO MOVE THE HEART OF GOD...ULTIMATELY, HE WILL MAKE THE DECISION. AND SO, A PRAYER SHOULD BE JUST THAT. HIS WILL BE DONE. BECAUSE WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT, THAT'S THE WAY IT WILL HAPPEN. EVEN AS HE CHOOSES TO PUT ME THROUGH THE FIRE, I WILL STILL FOLLOW HIM. I MAY NOT BE HAPPY, I MAY NOT EVEN TRUST THAT I'LL BE OKAY, I MAY BE FRIGHTENED...BUT THAT'S NOT HIS INTEREST. HIS INTEREST IS NOT MY HAPPINESS, NOR MY WELL-BEING. (DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY HEAR BEING PREACHED BEHIND THE PULPIT IN AMERICA NOW-A-DAYS) HIS INTEREST IS NOT THAT I HAVE ALL THAT I WANT, THAT I HAVE A GOOD PAYING JOB, THAT I HAVE GOOD HEALTH, THAT MY LOVED ONES HAVE GOOD HEALTH. HIS INTEREST IS NOT THAT I AM HAPPY ALL THE TIME, AND ALL THOSE AROUND ME ARE HAPPY, TOO. HIS INTEREST IS NOT THAT I HAVE ALL THE THINGS I DESIRE. HIS INTEREST IS NOT THAT I LIVE AN IDEAL LIFE, WITH HOWEVER MANY CHILDREN I WANT, IN THE PERFECT HOUSE, WITH THE PERFECT INCOME...NO, NO, NO. HIS INTEREST IS HIS KINGDOM BEING FULFILLED. AND THAT'S WHAT I'VE CHOSEN TO SERVE. SO WHETHER I PRAY FOR THINGS TO BE DONE A CERTAIN WAY HERE ON EARTH OR NOT, HE WILL CHOOSE WHATEVER FULFILLS HIS KINGDOM. HIS WILL BE DONE. WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT.

"THOUGH HE SLAY ME, I WILL HOPE IN HIM." -JOB 13:15-

THIS IS THE HARDEST THING I’VE EVER LIVED THROUGH. I HAVEN’T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA ON HOW TO MOVE ON. WHEN YOU LOSE SOMEONE WHO IS PRACTICALLY CONNECTED TO YOU AT HEART, THEY EXPERIENCE IMMEDIATE HEALING…IMMEDIATE JOY…IMMEDIATE COMFORT FROM THE FATHER…THAT IS NOT SO FOR THE ONES LEFT HERE. WE LIVE ON WITH HEAVY HEARTS. THE FEELINGS IN MY INNERMOST BEING CANNOT BE CONTAINED IN MERE WORDS. I CRY, I MOURN, I LAUGH, I REMEMBER, I CRY SOME MORE. I HEAR KIND WORDS FROM PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME, BUT THEY AND I BOTH KNOW THAT THEY CAN’T SHARE THE SAME PAIN. AND THEN WHEN I SPEAK WITH SOMEONE WHO I HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO IN A WHILE, IT’S LIKE I HAVE TO RE-LIVE EVERYTHING. I HATE THAT PART. HOW EASY IT WOULD BE TO CLOSE MYSELF OFF IN ISOLATION. HOW EASY IT WOULD BE TO JUST BLOCK EVERYONE OUT. BUT THERE’S NO WAY I COULD EVER DO THAT. THERE ARE NO WORDS, THERE ARE NO THOUGHTS, THERE IS NO HELP THAT CAN HEAL THIS. WHAT HAS BEEN DONE WILL NOT BE UNDONE UNTIL THE TRUMPET SOUNDS. THAT IS WHAT I WAIT FOR. FOR NOW, THERE IS JUST BROKENNESS. I AM STILL TRYING TO TRUST, TO LEAN ON, AND TO PRAY TO THIS GOD OF SORROWS THAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO GET TO KNOW ALL OVER AGAIN. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME, EVEN NOW AS YOU READ THIS. I HATE TO EVEN BE THIS VULNERABLE ON MY PAGE, BUT I KNOW PEOPLE ARE WANTING TO KNOW WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON. I REALLY DO APPRECIATE THE THOUGHTFULNESS FROM THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE CONCERNED. EVEN MORESO, PRAY FOR MY DADDY. HE WILL FOREVER LIVE WITH IMAGES THAT ARE FAR BEYOND ANYONE’S WORST NIGHTMARE. NOW, IN THE TIME OF MOURNING, OF GRIEVING, OF WEEPING, IS WHEN ONE DEPENDS ON THE PRAYERS OF THE SAINTS.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME, ESPECIALLY THOSE OF YOU WHO I KNOW HAVE BEEN WONDERING ABOUT ME AND PRAYING FOR ME...REBECCA, JIL, MANDOLYN, VICKI, ANDREA(MEEKANDQUIET). AND ANYONE ELSE, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT, YOUR THOUGHTS ARE MOST WELCOME.