I John 3:18

All original content copyright Jessica Nicole Schafer, 2007-2016.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

THIS IS THE HARDEST THING I’VE EVER LIVED THROUGH. I HAVEN’T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA ON HOW TO MOVE ON. WHEN YOU LOSE SOMEONE WHO IS PRACTICALLY CONNECTED TO YOU AT HEART, THEY EXPERIENCE IMMEDIATE HEALING…IMMEDIATE JOY…IMMEDIATE COMFORT FROM THE FATHER…THAT IS NOT SO FOR THE ONES LEFT HERE. WE LIVE ON WITH HEAVY HEARTS. THE FEELINGS IN MY INNERMOST BEING CANNOT BE CONTAINED IN MERE WORDS. I CRY, I MOURN, I LAUGH, I REMEMBER, I CRY SOME MORE. I HEAR KIND WORDS FROM PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME, BUT THEY AND I BOTH KNOW THAT THEY CAN’T SHARE THE SAME PAIN. AND THEN WHEN I SPEAK WITH SOMEONE WHO I HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO IN A WHILE, IT’S LIKE I HAVE TO RE-LIVE EVERYTHING. I HATE THAT PART. HOW EASY IT WOULD BE TO CLOSE MYSELF OFF IN ISOLATION. HOW EASY IT WOULD BE TO JUST BLOCK EVERYONE OUT. BUT THERE’S NO WAY I COULD EVER DO THAT. THERE ARE NO WORDS, THERE ARE NO THOUGHTS, THERE IS NO HELP THAT CAN HEAL THIS. WHAT HAS BEEN DONE WILL NOT BE UNDONE UNTIL THE TRUMPET SOUNDS. THAT IS WHAT I WAIT FOR. FOR NOW, THERE IS JUST BROKENNESS. I AM STILL TRYING TO TRUST, TO LEAN ON, AND TO PRAY TO THIS GOD OF SORROWS THAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO GET TO KNOW ALL OVER AGAIN. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME, EVEN NOW AS YOU READ THIS. I HATE TO EVEN BE THIS VULNERABLE ON MY PAGE, BUT I KNOW PEOPLE ARE WANTING TO KNOW WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON. I REALLY DO APPRECIATE THE THOUGHTFULNESS FROM THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE CONCERNED. EVEN MORESO, PRAY FOR MY DADDY. HE WILL FOREVER LIVE WITH IMAGES THAT ARE FAR BEYOND ANYONE’S WORST NIGHTMARE. NOW, IN THE TIME OF MOURNING, OF GRIEVING, OF WEEPING, IS WHEN ONE DEPENDS ON THE PRAYERS OF THE SAINTS.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME, ESPECIALLY THOSE OF YOU WHO I KNOW HAVE BEEN WONDERING ABOUT ME AND PRAYING FOR ME...REBECCA, JIL, MANDOLYN, VICKI, ANDREA(MEEKANDQUIET). AND ANYONE ELSE, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT, YOUR THOUGHTS ARE MOST WELCOME.

6 comments:

katie said...

Jessica~ I don't even know where to begin or what to say for that matter. I have been checking daily to see if you had blogged, knowing that it would take time & strength. I was devastated to hear about your loss. I send my love & prayers of peace & comfort to you & your family. You have always exemplified pure JOY to me. I love that about you. I can hear your laugh when I think of memories of you! My soul aches for you at this time. I can not imagine nor shall I pretend that I know what you are going thru. I can only hope I can learn from your experience when the day comes for me. I just want you to know that I think of you often. I pray for you daily.
~Katie~

Rebecca said...

I love you very, very much. I want you to know that. I'd call you right now, but I'm sure you're sleeping...I'm going to shoot you an e-mail. I love you.

Thirdtimemomma said...

Honey, Hugs and love and tears here. I know it hurts. Try not to isolate yourself. I did and that isnt good at all. It does become easier but it takes a long time. I've been praying for you and your Daddy every single day. JP and I would like to come visit soon. Love Love Love Love Love Love Love..
Vicki

Andrea said...

I do understand how you feel. You spoke the words that described me to a tee 13 years ago when I lost my brother to a drunk driver 5 days before Christmas. I am here for you.
Love you.

krystle said...

hey lover i left a comment on your xanga...something about being lovers...love you...lover;)

Brea said...

Honey, my heart hurts for you. More prayers than you know are coming your way right now. I'm so sorry.