Sometimes, Looking Back Helps Us Look Forward.

I wrote the following poem in March of 2009, it had only been a little over a year since losing our sweet Momma.  I am thinking of many loved ones, as they are grappling with grief.  None of us walk the same path, the beauty of this life is the diversity of us all.  But we do walk together. 


I was 27.  A new Momma, myself.  I was looking forward to sharing the rest of this crazy life with Momma.  I was looking forward to the close friendship we shared, as I'd become a young woman who had gotten past the stage of seeing all her faults.  I saw her as she was, the best Momma ever.
I was cheated. 
There's a side of God I've become more acquainted with after all these years, the side I still argue with...rage against...question...and often ignore, as well.  Because I know God can handle that.  I know God understands the feelings I have of being cheated, of watching other women my age have their mothers come and take care of them, take care of their grandchildren, clean out their refrigerators, bring them medicine when they're sick, listen to them tell about the humdrum ins and outs of their days.  God understands the feels I have when watching other women have the luxury of simply talking to their mothers...


God knows. 


I'm okay with the questioning, with the anger, with the grief that comes in deep waves, and never knowing which way I'll get hit.  I'm okay with it, because I know God understands the deep sadness from within.


For you sweet, beautiful souls who wrestle with grief, I write.  You are not alone.  You are loved.  I have no answers, but please know that you are a big reason behind the sharing of my soul on this little blog.  Hang in there, Sweet You.















HE WROTE A NOTE JUST FOR YOU TODAY,
YOUR GRANDSON WHO IS JUST FOUR.
HE DOESN’T QUITE UNDERSTAND THAT
HE’LL NEVER GET TO SEE YOU ANYMORE.

SOME DAYS ARE HARDER THAN OTHERS,
TODAY IS ONE THAT’S BEEN BLUE.
ACTUALLY, IT’S BEEN A GOOD YEAR,
MOMMA, I CAN’T STAND LIFE WITHOUT YOU.

THERE’S SO MUCH GOOD HERE, I KNOW.
BUT IT WAS BETTER WHEN YOU WERE HERE.
I NEVER THOUGHT I’D BE HERE WRITING
THESE WORDS, THAT YOU’D NO LONGER BE NEAR.

BUT I GUESS YOU’RE NEARER THAN I KNOW,
IN WAYS I SIMPLY CAN’T UNDERSTAND NOW.
I KNOW LIFE WILL KEEP MOVING ALONG,
BUT SOME DAYS I HAVE TO WONDER HOW.

I MISS THAT I CAN’T CALL YOU EVERYTIME
AND SHARE WITH YOU ALL THAT’S HAPPY,
I MISS THAT I CAN’T HEAR YOU CALM ME
WHEN LIFE BRINGS MORE TRAGEDY.

I MISS BEING ABLE TO HEAR YOU LAUGH
WHEN YOUR GRANDSON DOES THE CUTEST THINGS…
IT’S MOMENTS LIKE THIS WHEN I HAVE TO TRUST
THAT I’M BEING SHELTERED BY ANGEL’S WINGS.

AT TIMES IT SEEMS SO LONELY,
LIKE NOBODY’S THERE TO LISTEN TO ME.
I HAVE TO KEEP ON GOING, TRUSTING,
AND REMEMBER HE HAS NOT LEFT ME.

I WONDER HOW I’LL GET THROUGH ALL
THE MILESTONES IN THE YEARS AHEAD,
YOU’RE STILL ALWAYS THE ONE I WANT TO CALL,
BUT I’LL HAVE TO SETTLE FOR ANOTHER INSTEAD.

IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T HAVE ANYONE ELSE,
GOT A GREAT HUSBAND, CHILD, FATHER AND SIS.
BUT LATELY YOU’RE ALL I’VE WANTED TO
SEE, GOD HELP ME MAKE IT THROUGH THIS.

GOD HELP ME ON DAYS WHEN I’M LONELY.
GOD HELP ME WHEN ANGER COMES BACK.
GOD HELP ME WHEN I ASK THE SAME QUESTIONS AGAIN,
GOD PLEASE COME AND PICK UP THE SLACK.

GOD COMFORT ME, BECAUSE I CAN’T DO IT.
SOMETIMES WEEPING IS ALL I CAN DO.
GOD TELL MY MOMMA I MISS HER SO MUCH,
AND THAT I SAID, “I LOVE YOU.”

GOD HELP OTHERS WHO FEEL THIS PAIN,
WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND US WHO ARE HEAVY WITH GRIEF.
PLEASE WHISPER HOPE INTO OUR EARS AND HEARTS,
AND PLEASE SEND US YOUR SWEET RELIEF.

HELP US TO KNOW THE LONELINESS HERE
WILL VANISH ONE BEAUTIFUL DAY.
HELP US TO KNOW YOU KNOW HOW WE FEEL,
IN EACH AND EVERY WAY.

HELP US TO KEEP GOING, AS WE REMEMBER
THE LOVED ONES THAT WE MISS.
HELP US KEEP ENJOYING THE LIFE WE HAVE HERE,
AND REMEMBER IT WON’T ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS.


J.N.S. March 7, 2009