I John 3:18

All original content copyright Jessica Nicole Schafer, 2007-2016.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Grief Doesn't Care

Years later, knowing that I've been extremely raw about my own life in walking with this grief, it's haunting that I can still find out more.

Here I am, thinking about my birthday.  Just celebrated our sweet boy's 11th birthday, and my mind keeps getting drawn back to the absence of my Momma. 

Honestly, it's so heavy that sometimes I just don't want to go there.  I do everything in my power to do what's right for my family and myself.  I have been going above and beyond and making myself eat healthier, even lost a huge amount of weight recently, I try to get decent rest at night...all those little things that can help with just getting through regular days.  But those little things can help tremendously in dealing with stress, as most of us know.  Yet, I can't stop thinking about the absence she has left us with.
It really has been bothering me lately.  Why?  Why this year?  Why on this Tuesday evening?  Why is this grief pressing so hard upon me lately, I do not want it right now...life has enough trouble as it is!

She has been gone since December of 2007.  Of course, grief never ceases to be....of course, there will still be hard days and even hard seasons.  I'm just frustrated because I have not planned on feeling this much again this year. 
But life has not agreed with my plan. 

When stressful times happen, grief will be intensified every single time.  That's for sure.

I came across a picture of myself when I was a tiny little thang.  I believe I was just a year old in it. 
My birthday is coming this weekend.  It's a "milestone" type year.  Yet, it just shouldn't be happening without her. 
And like a ton of bricks, it hits me.......
*That's why*.......that's why I can't get her out of my mind, I can't get her absence out of the way, and I can't not feel the grief that her death has left us with.  Because I'm celebrating the day I was birthed.......by her.  Of course, my attention will be drawn more to her in this time.

Sometimes, I wonder what Momma would think about my writings, about how they will end up in a book someday soon.  I write about missing her, I write about the heaviness her death has left.  What an odd thought.  But of course it makes sense, because I still crave that affirmation and support from her, that only my Momma could give me.

Grief doesn't care.  It doesn't care how much I have already felt, how much I try to live with it in the healthiest way possible, how much I do my best to be honest about it all, how much I share my story, how much you share your story.......it doesn't care what year it is, or what season it is. 
It will come up to you right in the face, in the middle of your day, when you have a million other things you have to be doing, and remind you of the heavy absence you will always carry.

Yet still... it reminds me of her.  My Momma. As dark as the thought is, it reminds me of her...when the whole world doesn't stop and ask about her.  We who grieve know that feeling, we want you to ask about it, or we don't, it depends on the day...the person.  If she were still here, I guarantee she'd be calling this coming Sunday morning, October 11th, to sing Happy Birthday to me.  Or, she'd just show up for it. 

We didn't ask for this grief.  It just came.
We go on, knowing grief doesn't care about our timetables.
It doesn't care about whether or not we are ready to handle the thoughts that will pour over our hearts and brains at the most inconvenient times.

But we go on, knowing that our grief is sacred, because the love it points right back to.

***Love has no end, nor the grief that holds its hand.***