Grief is Not Like a Scar.

When I think of the past several years without my Momma, I now realize I have done a lot of creating.  My eyes have created tears through this grief.  My heart has created space for the sorrow where her presence once resided.  I have written so much.  For myself, for her, and for others who carry the burden of grief.
Maybe there was a small part of me that thought one day I'd run out of words to say. 
I am now certain that will never happen. 




By no means is this blog a journal.  There are so many things I do not publish about my grief.  There are some things my heart will never share---too intimate, too scary, too sorrowful.  There are things I know people would just never want to read.  For those who have read my tough writings on grief, I know that is saying a lot...because I do share so much from the emptiness grief gives us. 


I have learned that diving into the bottomless ocean of grief has been so freeing.  I am free to grieve for my Momma, without any expectations from anybody, without a timetable, without the barriers others have placed on themselves, and have tried to place on one another. 




I have learned to live in the graceful and dark corridors of grief, to navigate through the pitch black halls...because my eyes have adjusted to the darkness. 
And learning to live with this darkness helps me live with all the light.


It has made me live with such a full appreciation, to breathe in the love and laughter that fills so many other rooms in this vast life. 

*I hope, if even for a tiny moment, all the feels I pour out through this little blog of mine help you feel the freedom that grief brings.* 




We all lead different lives, we all experience different losses, we all have a choice in how we handle the emptiness that grief leaves each of us.  Some of us never tell our stories, and that is okay.  For me, I write.  I tell it.  I have been where damaging things were said regarding grief, especially when people used their "god" to manipulate others into how they ought to deal with grief.  That is just one of the many reasons I openly wrestle this animal. 




God, our images of god, our theologies, etc., are all very dear and important things to me.  I refuse to let empty theologies on God and grief be the crux of what is handed over to those in my life.



I don't have all the answers, but there is one thing I am certain of...
For all of my heavy tears that have fallen...for the times my heart feels like it is broken into pieces...when my spirit has been overwhelmed by grief...


Those are the times I know the presence of God has been near.  Beyond any doubt.  Even though I search for God, study things regarding this God, and try with all of myself to know God...so often it feels like trying to grab smoke.  But...in those times I have thought of my Momma, the emptiness we have in her place, and the tears have fought their way through my big, brown eyes...
I know God has been with me. 




God has to be...because this deep grief, I cannot bear alone.  And I shouldn't.  And neither should you.




It's hard to hear, isn't it?  It's heartbreaking to know someone hurts so much.  It stabs at our souls.
But we are supposed to be the Body...
And part of what the Body does is carry the rest of the load when one part is hurting.  Though unlike a broken limb, or a deep gash, grief remains exposed.  It refuses to scar over, it will not allow a cast to straighten it out...it remains.


May you never feel alone in your grief.  May you know this God is with you, may we be the Body, and show you that YOU...the one who lives your days with the great burden of grief, are never alone.


This is written In Memory of My Momma...though you are so much more than *just* a memory.  I love you, and I miss you everyday.


Darkness of December


Though she's no longer here, I still go on.
Through winter, fall, summer, spring, and dawn.
There are days I feel the sadness cover,
But I will keep on living, though I live the days without
My Mother.


The ice has covered everything today.
It all glistens now, so hauntingly.
I think of the life she lived, her heartfelt laugh,
And remember my hometown that now holds her in Texhoma,
My Momma.


The days that keep on passing never cease,
And so often how I feel the grief increase.
I cling to all the memories we were given,
And think of one sweet day that I will see her once again
In Heaven.


Though she isn't here to talk with I still know her...
And eerily it seems like some days she's closer.
It's been so many years since I've heard her say my name
And I'd give anything to talk to her on any day,
My Momma.


Christmas was her favorite time of year.
So now I deck these walls in holly gear.
These tears can come so easily now to me,
As I see the Christmas angels how I long to see her once more,
My Momma.


The one who grew my very body is now gone.
Who kissed my tender face first, my sweet Mom.
I'll live these days without her now,
I'll get it figured out somehow,
I hope.


Tonight the memories haunt, they all surround me.
I know tonight won't be a time for happy.
The tears are coming out now, and I've learned that it's okay-
In fact I swear this God is closer when the grief has its own way,
So I'll sit and let them fly, I'll let the heart of God surround me
On this day.


I laugh a lot throughout the days, it's true.
I start the moments God's given me all anew.
As hours turn to days and years,
I'll keep going through the fear,
God I wish she could see her grandson here,
I miss her every day and year,
I know God holds my every tear,
I'll  remember your voice in my ear,
My Momma.


J.N.S.
December 4th, 2014