I John 3:18

All original content copyright Jessica Nicole Schafer, 2007-2016.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Language of Grief

One of the first mistakes made in this thing called grief, is that often we expect it to teach us something.  Or, we expect it to teach those in our lives something.  As they live with this dark cloud surrounding them, we think maybe they should be learning during this process.  What a hurtful thing to do...expecting ourselves, or others, to find some amazing epiphanies during the heartbreak they carry daily.

I have talked with so many dear people who carry an ache like this, and there is a common theme I have noticed.  There's this idea, particularly in Christian circles, where we want to gloss over the hurt..........we want to get to a smiling place, where the hurt is no more. 

*We don't want to be in the midst of grief, we want to skip right over it, and immediately get to the happy parts of life.*

"Well, you do have a wonderful husband a son, and you have your Daddy, and sister, etc.".  So very true!  How beautiful, I never for one second take these people for granted.  They are my heart.  I will do anything for them, and I always will.
But the thing about death is...I still don't have my Momma. 
And I want her here.
That's the kicker when someone we love is taken from us early---we still want and need them here. 

*We cannot skip over their absence!!!*
We will never get to that point where the hurt is no more, we can't skip over the reality, in hopes of being happy about our grief.  Regardless of how much you may wish for us to be "happy", it is a burden placed on far too many. And so many people I have heard from do not know how to handle this aspect, it is for them I continue talking about this elephant in the room.

Grief is not happy.

Grief was never meant to be our tutor.  It's simply part of our story now. 

It's not enough to say we cannot grieve with others, unless we've experienced the same thing.  Because none of us experience the same things!  We are all different, we all have different stories...the same with grief.  I do not take for granted the gift of My Love, my husband.  He has carried this with me.  The love we share has helped me grieve in a better way, and the fact that he has given me freedom to grieve---never trying to quiet the pain I carry----means the world to me.  Not only does he see me carry it, but picks up my grief alongside me.  There is a better way than dismissing ourselves from someone else's grief by casually saying, "Well, I don't know what you're going through, so I'll just see my way out"....find the way of love.  Love will let you tell your story.  Love will try to understand, love will find a better way.

In grief, happiness is not the goal.  Utopia cannot be attained.
Please, if you love someone living with grief, let them just *live with their grief*.  Don't place a burden of a false smile on them, just because you are uncomfortable with the pain they carry.

My husband recently spoke of someone he admires. He mentioned that this writer helped him find the language to express the ideas that were clanging around in his head and heart.
**That is my hope.**
In all of the writing I do, as hard as it may be, I hope to help others find the language of grief.  I hope to make a place in your life to feel safe with this grief that you will always carry.  Grief is heavy enough....may we help one another carry it...whether we understand it, or not.