A birth story.

I don't think I've really ever shared my Babylove's birth story. Here goes.

My husband and I were VERY pleasantly surprised to learn we were pregnant when we'd been married for eight months. We were seven weeks along. The SECOND we found out, we were OVERjoyed, and of course, I called Momma and Daddy first. You couldn't take the smiles off of our faces. We weren't "planning" (ha,ha) a pregnancy, but so happy with the news.

A few days later I was rushed to the ER due to bleeding. I had no idea what was happening, everything happened so quickly. We saw my doctor, heard all sorts of things, ran all sorts of tests. When we were home that night it hit me when I realized what the doctor meant when he said, "You're only seven weeks along, all you can do is relax and hope for the best".... They thought we were going to lose the baby.

We were scared out of our minds. Within a week we went from extreme joy to extreme fear. So, we waited. And prayed. And I did a lot of crying.

What made things scarier was that two very dear friends of mine would suffer miscarriages around this time. Our hearts were so heavy for them, and we tried to make our way through the very long days.

After a period of time, things seemed to look better for our pregnancy. Though we would sit on pins and needles until this new life were out of the womb, his little life grew and grew. I went through all sorts of feelings of guilt after what our friends went through, fear of wondering if we'd carry him full-term, and you can imagine the things that went through our minds and hearts.

Our son thrived.
He grew and grew and well.....grew so much that they decided at one check-up to do a c-section because he grew TOO MUCH. :) He was due near my birthday, but they took him two weeks early, the day after my sister's birthday. (Keep in mind I'm 5'1", Darryl's 6'7"....a dear friend compared it to a chihuahua having a doberman's puppy...)

An added joy was that my Momma and Daddy happened to be visiting the weekend they decided to do the c-section. I am so thankful they were here.....


Dylan James Schafer entered the world at about 12:45p.m. September 28th, 2004.

The world has been much brighter since.

He has brought so much joy to our hearts, laughter to our mouths, and hope to our spirits. He is a miracle. I am fully convinced he is one piece of Heaven we see daily....especially considering what our family has endured over the past two and a half years.

He is wonderful. I can't describe just how wonderful. As I've said before, some things are just too wonderful for words....my husband, my son....they are some of those "things".

We celebrate you, Dylan James Schafer. You are wonderful. You are so bright, and full of joy. You are brilliant, and you have a heart full of compassion and mercy. You laugh a lot, and it is your laughter that lights up my heart.

What joy it is to watch my son grow, love, and get to know the God who gives life.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OUR SWEET SON!

Grieve Freely.

Over the past two and a half years, I've written so much about grief. Quite honestly, in the beginning, it was the only safe place for me-aside from only a few dear people in my life. They know who they are. I've written before on the GREAT need for us to learn to comfort others....and I am a firm believer that we have to face our own issues, embrace our own hurts, or we will end up squelching ourselves, AND others if we refuse to do so. That has been a big part of my experience. I've heard it all. I've been belittled for expressing my grief. I've been told to "get over it". I've been told it's not that "big of a deal". I've been told to "put a smile on my face and move on". I've been told that maybe if I change my perspective,it wouldn't be so hard. I've heard loved ones being told things things just as hurtful, as well. As you sit there reading, I'm almost positive your hurts have been squelched before, and I apologize for that. There is R O O M for grace. Those hurtful, heartless, selfish things we've all heard before by people who DO know better, they are forgiven. I choose to extend the same grace everyday that is extended to myself by Him. How could I not? He freely gives it....even to those who we think don't "deserve" it. So that same grace is given even to those who have scarred my already broken heart.

However.......

I think often in life, some evils need to be called out before they will ever be acknowledged and then changed. This is how I feel about our lack to grieve for ourselves and one another. I will never stop writing, talking, crying about my own grief.

My Momma is dead.

She is gone.

She should still be here.

There is no explanation for this.

There is no quick-fix band-aid answer that will explain it all away. I cannot enroll in a twelve step program, because I don't have an addiction. This happened to our family. It is a burden placed on us, and I will forever grapple with the effects, as will my Daddy, sister, and all my Momma's family and friends who miss her. So though I have spent many months feeling guilty for simply grieving, those days are gone. I will give full vent to what has been placed in my life. To ignore it would be to ignore God, to ignore the reality He, Himself has placed us in.

I will write, feel, grieve, hurt, love, heal.....for myself, for my family and friends, for other motherless daughters, for any hurting hearts out there who feel alone. Those precious people are the reason I do this.

Maybe you are one of those who has experienced the brutal, dark, calloused remarks of others......maybe you have been one to give those remarks. Sweet child of the Most High....He never intended us to live as robots. He gave us this life, and often it is full of hurt.....His OWN life was full of heartache. Don't ever fool yourself into believing that turning off your emotions is trusting Him more.......when we do that, we lie to ourselves, others, and Him.

For over two and a half years, I have tried to put into words the way I've been made to feel.......and I finally realized it days ago. The picture below came to mind. It is hard to look at, it was even harder to draw. It has been my reality. Let me also mention, this picture is for you.....I hope you see the great fallacy in it, the hurt in it, the hatred in it......so you can move on, and freely grieve, as I have. I guess this is my way of giving you "permission" to grieve freely.

For I truly believe we are MOST like Him when we are MOST HUMAN.......embracing humanity is embracing Him.

You are loved, you who are hurting and grieving for whatever reason.....you are not alone. I will use my days to honour you, to lift you up, and I will not be ashamed of grief any longer.....I hope the same for you.