I John 3:18

All original content copyright Jessica Nicole Schafer, 2007-2016.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

The Newness of it All

I know some of you hear some harsh things from others about your grief.  I know because I have heard it, and I know because I hear your stories all the time.

For the past few days, I have had many of those, "GOODGRIEF, I wish Momma were here!!" moments.  Not necessarily any cry my eyes out days, which happen every once in a while, but just wanted her here to experience all the "this" of things.  The now.  The good, the bad, the all.

Want to know why those of us who lose our Mommas at a young age still go on feeling the ache so very much, and deeper still during some days?  Why we still talk about it?  Why we dare to mention that "M" word that others frankly do not want to hear about anymore?  Why we still miss them, whether it's been a week or a year?

Because we are still living, and they are not.

At least weekly I think of things to ask my Momma, not intentionally, just things that come to my brain.  Like so many of you still get to do, like I used to be able to do.  I wonder about her childhood, her wants, desires, dreams, wishes.  I need her help with many, many things as My Love and I raise our sweet boy.  I need her advice on so much...and all these new questions I've had since she's been gone...I'll never get answered by her.  I sort of have to piece it all together. 
Yes, the world keeps on spinning.  New things arrive, good and bad.  We go on living through many joys, while carrying many sorrows alongside this even deeper sorrow. 

In all the times I write about this thing of grief, tonight I am specifically thinking of you other young Mommas who do all these things just as I do, without your Mommas.
There are always so many people talking to us, many of them helpful and loving.  And then there are those who insinuate, or even flat out tell us things that are harsh about our grief.  Again, I know you hear them, you've told me.  Those voices that have told us, "Move on....buck up...etc., etc."  As if we lost our favorite purse, and not our Momma.

***I am sorry.  I am so sorry that anybody has come into your story of grief, invaded that sacred place, and tried to quiet you.***

I'm still going along.  Just as you are.  Doing my best, failing a lot, but trying to hope against hope.
One year has ended, another has begun.  We look back and think on the milestones of this year.  We set new goals, dream new dreams, laugh new laughs, and keep loving on our loved ones.  And we do all that knowing how much our Mommas have missed out on.  We all go on, carrying the ache.  Yet we do not have to do it alone. 

Hope Edelman wrote the following in "Motherless Daughters"---
"It's the fact that I can't ask her for these things that makes me miss her all over again"

That's why we still talk, that's why we still cry, that's why we still ache, that's why we still grieve.
They are gone, and we are still here.  And sometimes, we just want our Mommas.

Life can carry enough, don't add to someone's burden of grief.
If you don't understand, I get that.  We often get afraid of what we don't understand.
If you want to help, just ask.  If someone you know is grieving, just ask them what you can do.  Usually, they'll tell you what they need.  If not, silence is often golden.  Or chocolate and wine will do just fine.

If you are in my same boat, you are not alone.  If you've not found a safe space to talk, keep looking.  Loved ones will allow room for your grief, that's what love does.  Don't quiet your pain to appease someone else, find a safe place to grieve.

We'll keep going along together, okay?  Beginning another year without them.  But we will keep going.

***Love has no end, nor the grief that holds its hand.***