BUT...

Life can often hurl (jackhammers?  chainsaws?  shuriken? silver bullets?) curve balls our way.  Usually, we do not anticipate them coming.

If you're breathing, I'd be a bettin' woman that you've experienced them once or twice.

Lord knows I've had so many dreams and goals.  Some of the biggest ones I've had were laid to rest with The Deep Sadness.  Others, I cling to....even though life seems to keep winning, time seems to strip away the dreams that linger in my very spirit.  Still, I hang onto them--many days, barely able to keep them in my grasp. Even when loved ones may try to prevent the dreams that hold us....we have to remember they were placed within us for a reason.  We have to hang on, even when EVERYTHING and EVERYONE around us say they can never happen.

There is something to be said for pushing through, and making your dreams happen.  There is something to be said for changing the way we see things, getting out there and altering our circumstances. For taking control of life, and getting out of it what we want.

BUT… here's the exception to that school of thought;
There are countless things in this life that we canNOT control.
There are some things we can't conquer, because try as we may, what is happening is NOT in our hands.
…But in His.

So, some of us wrestle.
I have wrestled with this God for countless nights.  I have shaken my fist at Him.  I have cried bitterly--asking, begging, pleading for Him to JUST DO SOMETHING!!!
Regarding most of my prayers, the biggest ones, the dreams....the very ones He placed within me......I am STILL WAITING.  I'll even be transparent enough to say there are moments I look in the mirror and ask with tears streaming down my cheeks, "What are you doing, Jes?  Why are you still holding onto this dream?".....

Foolish?  So I’ve been told.
Hellish?  Indeed.

BUT……
Faith can be foolish.  “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

Hope can be hellish.  "…for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." Romans 8:24-25

God help us, we NEED faith and hope.

I would much rather err on having faith and hope that this Divine, Loving, Comforting, God will reach down, wrap his arms around me, and answer the prayers I've been incessantly crying out to Him for years...

Than to let go of Him in defeat…

I would much rather have moments that are so full of darkness, full of His absence, laden with fear, drenched in my tears of frustration....asking that brown eyed girl in the mirror why she's foolishly clinging to a dream that seems to never be realized----than to look at the reflection of  my smiling lips....
But empty eyes.

Wrestling with Him has been the theme of the past five years.  That’s quite a long time.  And I believe it was Him who started this…….
But I believe we will continue together.

I need faith and hope.
I need that foolishness.
The foolishness of faith and hope keep me waking up every day.

They keep me pushing on, in spite of life clawing its way towards the inside of my very soul.
They keep me from passing down a legacy of callousness, numbness, unfeeling, and shallow living to our son and future children.

The craziness of faith and hope keep me sane!!!

I love that irony.

(Or maybe they keep me crazy....you’ll need to ask my husband about that one.)

Either way, I'll continue on this frightening, chilling, sorrowful, tear fallin', faith-filled and hopeful journey.......

I can't help BUT do it.

I’d much rather be crazy in my faith and hope that He will answer my cries, than to never cry again.  Because when I’ve stopped crying out to Him, I’ve stopped wrestling with Him…and I’ve stopped dreaming.  To ignore the dreams He put in me would be to ignore Him, and I can't bring myself to do that.

I’ll continue to cry out to Him how all around me makes it clear these dreams will never happen, until He answers with, “But now, my daughter…”

I’m either that hopeful, or that crazy.
Time will tell…