Holiday Ponderings.

I haven’t been able to sleep well in…honestly….going on three years.

Since December 4th, 2007, to be exact.

It amazes me how I STILL put these expectations on myself regarding grieving Her. “I shouldn’t be so sad”….”I shouldn’t have such a hard time during Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries…”…”My lows shouldn’t be so ‘low’”….”I should be able to think about Her without missing her so much that my heart breaks all over again”….

Why do I do that? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a combination of what other people have told me through the years, and maybe it’s a little bit of myself, too. Either way, let me tell you, I’d never wish this sort of grief on my worst enemy.

I think about what we’d be doing right around now. We’d be planning on what to bring for our family’s Thanksgiving get together. I’d be talking with her about Dylan’s Christmas wishes. We’d be talking about Carmen’s kid’s Christmas wishes.

I’ve written before about the red coat she got for me that last Christmas. I’ve still not worn it. For some reason, I can’t. It hangs with the tag still on it.

I still lie awake around 2:00 a.m. wishing I could just talk to her. Even for a few minutes. I miss her laugh. I miss hugging her. I miss the way she’d always wink at me…..ohmygoodness that made me feel so special.

I still go to my phone to call her when anything cute, sad, hilarious, or crucial happens throughout my day. I want to text her again. I want…..I want….I want…….

It’s been three years next month. Let me tell you, time heals ABSOLUTELY NO WOUNDS.

I guess for me, the biggest thing I’ve learned about grieving is that it doesn’t end. How could it? How could I ever get over the absence of my Momma….the one that birthed me, the very one that put in me a desire to be a wife and Momma…the one my heart breaks for every. single. Moment?

Grief doesn’t end. I grieve, but not without hope.

I’ve not had a Christmas wish list since she’s been gone. She always used to tell me, “I don’t want a thing! As long as I have my family, that’s all I want!!”

That’s been my wish every day. Every Christmas. Every Birthday since she’s been gone. Only now, I TRULY know what she meant when she said that.

Happy Thanksgiving, Momma.
We miss you with words that can’t be explained. You left a huge absence that is filled with love, laughter, grief, and longing.