TODAY WAS PRETTY TOUGH. AS IF THERE’S NOT ALREADY A TON OF STUFF THAT I’M DEALING WITH AND MY FAMILY’S DEALING WITH, SOME OTHER HAPPENINGS DIDN’T HELP MUCH. THAT’S WHAT I HATE ABOUT ALL THIS. IT SEEMS AS THOUGH OTHER THINGS WOULDN’T MATTER SO MUCH, BUT IT’S AS IF SOMETIMES OTHER THINGS ARE JUST MAGNIFIED. UGH. I MISS MY MOMMA. I MISS MY DADDY. I’M READY FOR HIM TO BE HERE WITH US. I THINK IT WILL HELP ALL OF US WHEN WE’RE TOGETHER.

JIL IS HERE STAYING WITH ME, AND SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ME. DARRYL HAD TO DO AN EIGHT HOUR DRIVE ALONE YESTERDAY, AND I COULDN’T GO, SO HER BEING HER HELPED A LOT. AND SHE AND JUSTIN ARE COMING BACK NEXT WEEKEND. J WE LOVE THEM SO MUCH. AND WE KNOW THEY LOVE US.

HILARIE SENT ME SOME AMAZING CDS OF SO MANY DIFFERENT SONGS, AND I LOVE THEM. SHE LITERALLY WENT THROUGH AND PICKED SPECIFIC SONGS, THAT SHE KNEW WOULD HELP ME. AND ON TOP OF TAKING THE TIME FOR THAT, SHE TYPED OUT A FULL LETTER WITH A DESCRIPTION OF SAID SONGS…SHEESH. SHE LOVES ME, WHAT CAN I SAY?

FOR NOW, WE’RE STILL DEALING WITH THE HAPPENINGS THAT FOLLOW ONE OF THESE HORRIBLE SITUATIONS. TODAY WAS SO ODD, BECAUSE MY MOMMA AND DADDY’S THINGS WERE BROUGHT HERE, WE’RE KEEPING A LOT OF THEIR FURNITURE, AND STORING THE REST AND MY SISTER’S GETTING SOME. IT WAS SUCH AN INDESCRIBABLE FEELING TO SEE THEM BRINGING MY MOMMA’S THINGS IN HERE. I MEAN, WHY WERE THESE THINGS BEING BROUGHT HERE? THIS IS HER STUFF, TAKE IT BACK TO HER, SHE NEEDS IT. THAT’S WHAT I KEPT THINKING. AND THEN LAST NIGHT THROUGH THE DAY, THROUGH ALL THE FRUSTRATION, I KEPT WANTING TO CALL HER AND JUST TELL HER ABOUT EVERYTHING. I WANTED TO CALL HER AND TELL HER HOW UPSET I WAS ABOUT SO MANY THINGS, AND HOW I COULDN’T REALLY DEPEND ON MANY OTHER PEOPLE, BUT I COULD ALWAYS DEPEND ON HER. SO MANY TIMES, ALL DAY LONG. I DO THAT CONSTANTLY…WANT TO CALL HER. EVERYTIME ANY LITTLE THING HAPPENS DURING THE DAY, I WANT TO CALL HER AND TELL HER ABOUT IT. I CAN’T EXPLAIN THE HURT. THERE’S AN AMAZING BOOK BY C.S. LEWIS CALLED “A GRIEF OBSERVED” THAT HAS REALLY HELPED ME. IT’S A SHORT READ, BUT IT IS AS IF HE WROTE DOWN SO MANY OF MY THOUGHTS YEARS AGO, BEFORE I WAS EVER BORN. DARRYL KEPT TELLING ME AFTER I TOLD HIM HOW I FELT THAT I WAS SOUNDING LIKE C.S. LEWIS. SO, I WAS INTRIGUED ENOUGH TO READ IT. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS TO ANYONE WHO HAS LOST A TRULY CLOSE, LOVED ONE.

I’M SURE THERE’S MORE I COULD BLOG ABOUT, BUT THAT’S IT FOR NOW. BUSY, BUSY DAY AHEAD. AND EVENING, TOO. HUG YOUR FAMILY. DON’T TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED. I’VE SEEN PEOPLE DO THAT SO MUCH, AND IT ACHES MY HEART. I’M SO FRUSTRATED WITH THAT. I KNOW YOU CAN’T CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME ABOUT THAT. I KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE WHO TAKE THEIR PARENTS, THEIR SPOUSES, AND THEIR CHILDREN FOR GRANTED. IT’S SICKENING. BE THANKFUL FOR WHOM YOU’VE BEEN GIVEN.

FROM LATE LAST NIGHT.

I’M TYPING AND IT’S STORMING. NOT TOO BRIGHT. I’LL TRY TO BE QUICK.
IT’S AMAZING HOW THIS LIFE CAN CHANGE YOU. I JUST WANTED TO SHARE A BIT OF WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN DECEMBER 3RD AND DECEMBER 4TH. DARRYL AND I HAD GONE ON A DATE, AND IT WAS SUCH A WONDERFUL TIME. YOU CAN SEE FROM MY POST ON DECEMBER 3RD THAT IT WAS A WONDERFUL DAY. WE ALWAYS HAVE GOOD DATES, BUT THAT PARTICULAR NIGHT WAS SO AMAZING. EVERYTHING WENT WELL, AND I TALKED TO MY MOMMA PROBABLY THREE TIMES DURING MY DATE. YES, WE TALKED ALL THE TIME. NOBODY KNOWS ME LIKE SHE DOES. OF COURSE, DARRYL HAS NEVER MINDED. HE’S ALWAYS ENCOURAGED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOMMA. ONE OF THE TIMES I CALLED HER THAT NIGHT, I ASKED HER IF I WAS BUGGING HER (KNOWING THAT I WASN’T, I JUST WANTED HER TO TELL ME IT WAS OKAY FOR SOME REASON). SHE SAID, “BABY, YOU KNOW I DON’T CARE. YOU CAN CALL ME AS MUCH AS YOU WANT”. AND WE GIGGLED ABOUT IT. SHE ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL WELCOME, EVEN WHEN I KNEW SHE WAS BUSY BEYOND BELIEF. SHE ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL LIKE AN AMAZING DAUGHTER. SHE WAS ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE I ACTUALLY BELIEVED WHEN SHE TOLD ME I WAS BEAUTIFUL. I REMEMBER SO MANY TIMES WHILE I WAS GROWING UP AT HOME, I’D LOOK AT SOME GORGEOUS MODEL ON THE FRONT OF A MAGAZINE, OR AN AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS, AND SAY, “MOMMA, ISN’T SHE PRETTY?”…SHE’D ALWAYS SAY, WITHOUT HESITATION, “NOT AS PRETTY AS YOU ARE”. I USED TO THINK WHEN I WAS YOUNG THAT SHE HAD TO SAY THAT. NOW I KNOW THAT SHE’D ALWAYS MEANT IT.

THAT SAME NIGHT, ON OUR DATE, SHE CALLED TO TALK TO DYLAN. SHE LOVED TO CALL HIM EVERYDAY, ESPECIALLY WHEN I WAS ON A DATE. THAT NIGHT, FOR SOME REASON, HE DID SOMETHING HE’D NEVER DONE BEFORE. HE KEPT ASKING, “NANA, AWE YOU OKAY?...NANA, AWE YOU OKAY?”…HE ASKED ABOUT TEN TIMES IN A ROW. SHE JUST GIGGLED AND KEPT TELLING HIM, “YES, BABY, NANA’S OKAY, I’M FINE”.

I SPOKE WITH HER SEVERAL TIMES ON DECEMBER 4TH, AND THE LAST TIMES WE SPOKE WERE AT 4:11 AND 6:08P.M. I KEPT ASKING HER WHAT SHE WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS, THOUGH I HAD JUST ORDERED HER AN AMAZING GIFT THAT MORNING FROM MYSELF AND MY SISTER. THIS TIME, THOUGH, SHE SAID, “I JUST WANT GOOD HEALTH, THAT’S ALL”. THAT WAS OUR LAST CONVERSATION.

I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I GO OVER THOSE LAST CONVERSATIONS, AND WISH I’D NEVER GOTTEN THAT PHONE CALL A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER.

WHAT WE, MY DADDY, SISTER, AND MYSELF ALL HAD TO GO THROUGH THE NEXT 11 DAYS WAS PURE HELL. I WON’T EVEN TRY TO DESCRIBE IT ALL. WE WERE ASKED QUESTIONS THAT NOBODY IS EVER PREPARED TO ANSWER. WE WERE FACED WITH DECISIONS THAT NOBODY IS EVER PREPARED TO MAKE. I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY THIS HAS ALL HAPPENED. AND I WILL ALSO NEVER TRY TO FIND THE ANSWER, BECAUSE I KNOW THERE ISN’T ONE.

I’M NOT SURE WHY I POSTED ALL THIS. MAYBE TO LET SOMEONE KNOW PART OF THE STORY. THAT IS ONE OF THE HARDER PARTS IN DEALING WITH THIS. THERE ARE TIMES WHEN ONE HAS LOST A LOVED ONE THAT THEY WONDER IF ANYONE ELSE REALLY CARES. THEY WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE AREN’T TALKING ABOUT IT. YET, AT THE SAME TIME, THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. ONE ALSO WONDERS WHY THE WHOLE WORLD DIDN’T STOP. WHY IS EVERYONE STILL GOING ON LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED? I JUST LOST A PART OF ME…DOES ANYONE CARE?.......THOSE ARE ALL FEELINGS THAT COME WITH THIS SORT OF LOSS. I KNOW MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS CARE. THEY CARE SO DEEPLY, THEY HURT FOR ME. AND THAT’S WHY I LOVE THEM.

ANOTHER FEELING THAT ACCOMPANIES EVERYTHING ELSE (AS IF IT ALL WEREN’T ENOUGH) IS THE FEELING OF BEING ALONE. I CAN’T TELL YOU ABOUT IT, I REALLY CAN’T EXPLAIN IT. I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY 20-50 PEOPLE IN ONE SETTING THE PAST FEW WEEKS, AND FELT TOTALLY ALONE. I HAVE BEEN HUGGED BY PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME AND FELT TOTALLY ALONE. I HAVE BEEN WITH MY DADDY, SISTER, HUSBAND, SON, AND FELT TOTALLY ALONE. THE ONLY WAY I CAN EVEN SORT OF PUT IT INTO WORDS IS THAT IT FEELS AS IF A HUGE PART OF MY BODY AND SOUL HAS BEEN AMPUTATED, AND NOW I HAVE TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GO ON, HOW TO LIVE, HOW TO STILL DEAL WITH EVERYTHING THAT’S STILL HAPPENING IN THIS LIFE WITHOUT THAT VERY IMPORTANT PART OF ME. THAT IS THE REALITY OF NOW FOR ME.

YET IN THE MIDST OF ALL THE SADNESS AND MOURNING IS HOPE. THERE IS THE HOPE OF KNOWING THAT I WILL SEE MY MOMMA AGAIN, AND THE NEXT TIME, WE WON’T HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE. SHE HAS ALL OF HER QUESTIONS THAT SHE HAD ON THIS EARTH ANSWERED. I WANT TO SHARE A FEW LYRICS FROM A SONG THAT HAS REMINDED ME OF HER THROUGH ALL OF THIS. WE HAD JUST BOUGHT THIS CD THE NIGHT OF OUR DATE, IT’S OVER THE RHINE’S “TRUMPET CHILD” ALBUM. IT MAKES ME GRIN TO HEAR IT, BECAUSE IT MAKES ME THINK OF THE GLORIOUS TIME MY MOMMA IS EXPERIENCING NOW, THE TIME THAT SHE WILL NEVER HAVE TO STOP EXPERIENCING. IT MAKES ME SMILE A LITTLE THROUGH THIS, AT LEAST KNOWING THAT WHILE I’M MOURNING HER AND I ALWAYS WILL, SHE MISSES ME…BUT SHE KNOWS WHAT AWAITS ME. THIS SONG IS ACTUALLY A LOVE SONG, AND I THINK OF HER LOVE STORY WITH THE LORD…

“BLACK FLAMENCO SHOES
DAHLIAS IN MY HAIR
GARTERS ON MY STOCKINGS
THE SIDEWALK BENDS TO STARE
I’M ON A ROLL

…….

AMBITION MAY BE BLIND
DIAMONDS COME FROM COAL
YOU PROVIDE THE RHYTHM BABE
I’LL PROVIDE THE SOUL
I’M ON A ROLL…

I’M ON A ROLL
JUST LIKE I OUGHTA
I’M ON A ROLL
I CAN’T BE BOTHERED
I’M ON A ROLL
I WANT THE WHOLE ENCHILADA
I’M ON A ROLL


I’M ON A ROLL, JUST LIKE I OUGHTA
I’M ON A ROLL, I CAN’T BE BOTHERED
I’M ON A ROLL, I WANT THE WHOLE ENCHILADA
I’M ON A ROLL, CINCINNATI TO ENSANADA
I’M ON A ROLL, FROM THE THRIFT STORE TO PRADA
I’M ON A ROLL, LA DA DEE DA DE DA DAH…
I’M ON A ROLL.

A WHOLE NEW MEANING OF NEEDY.

IT’S ODD THAT EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN’T SAT DOWN AND HAD “BIBLE STUDY”, OR SAT AND PRAYED FOR HOURS, OR BELTED OUT WORSHIP SONGS AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, OR MEMORIZED WHOLE CHAPTERS OF THE BIBLE, OR LED WORSHIP AT CHURCH, OR READ A GOOD “CHRISTIAN” BOOK, OR DONE ANY THINGS THAT WE DEEM SPIRITUAL…RIGHT NOW I KNOW THAT I’M CLOSER TO THE LORD THAN I EVER HAVE BEEN IN MY LIFE. NOT BY MY CHOOSING, OR BY ANY POWER OF MY OWN, BUT BECAUSE I AM SO VULNERABLE, SO NEEDY, AND HE KNOWS THAT. I KNOW I AM CLOSE TO HIM RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I KNOW THE HOLY SPIRIT, ALONG WITH MY MOMMA, AND ALL THE OTHER SAINTS, ARE PRAYING FOR ME BECAUSE I JUST CAN’T FIND THE WORDS IN OUR SIMPLE LITTLE LANGUAGE TO PRAY. THERE ARE NO MERE WORDS TO DESCRIBE TO THE LORD MY HEART’S CRIES. AND I BELIEVE WITH MY WHOLE HEART THAT’S WHY THE SPIRIT AND THE SAINTS INTERCEDE. IT’S WEIRD THAT AT A TIME WHEN I’M SO HOPELESS YET HOPEFUL, EMPTY YET FULL, GRIEVE-STRICKEN, ANGRY, NEEDY, FRUSTRATED, ABANDONED, AND SO MANY OTHER “FEELINGS” AT THE SAME TIME…IN THIS TIME, I AM THE NEEDIEST. IN THIS TIME, ONLY THE LORD KNOWS WHAT’S IN MY HEART, SOUL, AND MIND. ONLY HE CAN UNDERSTAND. AS MUCH AS MY LOVED ONES TRY TO RELATE, (WHICH IS SO DEAR TO ME) HE IS THE ONE WHO KNOWS. HE KNOWS BECAUSE HE IS THE ONE WHO TOOK HER. HE KNOWS BECAUSE HE IS THE ONE WHO WILL ONE DAY RE-UNITE ME WITH HER. HE KNOWS BECAUSE HE HAS EXPERIENCED WATCHING ONE OF HIS BELOVED DIE IN FRONT OF HIS EYES. HE KNOWS THE FEELING OF SEEING ONE OF HIS BELOVED LYING ALMOST LIFELESS IN FRONT OF HIS EYES FOR DAYS ON END, AS WE DID. HE KNOWS THE FEELING OF WANTING THAT PERSON TO JUST WAKE UP AND SPEAK TO YOU, HUG YOU, HOLD YOUR HAND. HE KNOWS THE FEELING OF WANTING TO HEAR THAT LOVED ONE’S VOICE ONCE AGAIN. HE KNOWS BECAUSE HE’S PUT ME HERE RIGHT NOW, GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS, JUST AS HE HAS PUT MY DADDY AND SISTER HERE. HE KNOWS THE HURT WE FEEL. HE KNOWS OUR BURNING QUESTIONS. AND HE KNOWS THAT HE WON’T GIVE US AN ANSWER UNTIL WE SEE HIM THERE WITH MY MOMMA THAT GLORIOUS DAY THAT HE HAS ALREADY PLANNED.

DON’T TELL ME IT WILL BE OKAY
I KNOW THAT IT WON’T.
DON’T TELL ME TIME WILL HEAL IT,
I KNOW THAT IT WON’T.

I WON’T GO CHASING AN IDEA
THAT I’LL BE OKAY WITH THIS ONE DAY.
I WON’T GO CHASING AN IDEA
THAT ALL THESE FEELINGS WILL GO AWAY.

THE HOPE I HAVE IS NOT IN THIS LIFE,
IT’S NOT IN THE THINGS I DESIRE
IT’S IN THE LORD I SERVE,
AND HIS ALL-CONSUMING FIRE.

THE HOPE I HAVE IS JUST THAT, HIM.
AND NOTHING MORE WILL DO.
I WILL WAIT FOR THINGS TO BE MADE RIGHT
WHEN THE SHOFAR SOUNDS, AND WE’RE NEW.