IT’S ODD THAT EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN’T SAT DOWN AND HAD “BIBLE STUDY”, OR SAT AND PRAYED FOR HOURS, OR BELTED OUT WORSHIP SONGS AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, OR MEMORIZED WHOLE CHAPTERS OF THE BIBLE, OR LED WORSHIP AT CHURCH, OR READ A GOOD “CHRISTIAN” BOOK, OR DONE ANY THINGS THAT WE DEEM SPIRITUAL…RIGHT NOW I KNOW THAT I’M CLOSER TO THE LORD THAN I EVER HAVE BEEN IN MY LIFE. NOT BY MY CHOOSING, OR BY ANY POWER OF MY OWN, BUT BECAUSE I AM SO VULNERABLE, SO NEEDY, AND HE KNOWS THAT. I KNOW I AM CLOSE TO HIM RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I KNOW THE HOLY SPIRIT, ALONG WITH MY MOMMA, AND ALL THE OTHER SAINTS, ARE PRAYING FOR ME BECAUSE I JUST CAN’T FIND THE WORDS IN OUR SIMPLE LITTLE LANGUAGE TO PRAY. THERE ARE NO MERE WORDS TO DESCRIBE TO THE LORD MY HEART’S CRIES. AND I BELIEVE WITH MY WHOLE HEART THAT’S WHY THE SPIRIT AND THE SAINTS INTERCEDE. IT’S WEIRD THAT AT A TIME WHEN I’M SO HOPELESS YET HOPEFUL, EMPTY YET FULL, GRIEVE-STRICKEN, ANGRY, NEEDY, FRUSTRATED, ABANDONED, AND SO MANY OTHER “FEELINGS” AT THE SAME TIME…IN THIS TIME, I AM THE NEEDIEST. IN THIS TIME, ONLY THE LORD KNOWS WHAT’S IN MY HEART, SOUL, AND MIND. ONLY HE CAN UNDERSTAND. AS MUCH AS MY LOVED ONES TRY TO RELATE, (WHICH IS SO DEAR TO ME) HE IS THE ONE WHO KNOWS. HE KNOWS BECAUSE HE IS THE ONE WHO TOOK HER. HE KNOWS BECAUSE HE IS THE ONE WHO WILL ONE DAY RE-UNITE ME WITH HER. HE KNOWS BECAUSE HE HAS EXPERIENCED WATCHING ONE OF HIS BELOVED DIE IN FRONT OF HIS EYES. HE KNOWS THE FEELING OF SEEING ONE OF HIS BELOVED LYING ALMOST LIFELESS IN FRONT OF HIS EYES FOR DAYS ON END, AS WE DID. HE KNOWS THE FEELING OF WANTING THAT PERSON TO JUST WAKE UP AND SPEAK TO YOU, HUG YOU, HOLD YOUR HAND. HE KNOWS THE FEELING OF WANTING TO HEAR THAT LOVED ONE’S VOICE ONCE AGAIN. HE KNOWS BECAUSE HE’S PUT ME HERE RIGHT NOW, GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS, JUST AS HE HAS PUT MY DADDY AND SISTER HERE. HE KNOWS THE HURT WE FEEL. HE KNOWS OUR BURNING QUESTIONS. AND HE KNOWS THAT HE WON’T GIVE US AN ANSWER UNTIL WE SEE HIM THERE WITH MY MOMMA THAT GLORIOUS DAY THAT HE HAS ALREADY PLANNED.
DON’T TELL ME IT WILL BE OKAY
I KNOW THAT IT WON’T.
DON’T TELL ME TIME WILL HEAL IT,
I KNOW THAT IT WON’T.
I WON’T GO CHASING AN IDEA
THAT I’LL BE OKAY WITH THIS ONE DAY.
I WON’T GO CHASING AN IDEA
THAT ALL THESE FEELINGS WILL GO AWAY.
THE HOPE I HAVE IS NOT IN THIS LIFE,
IT’S NOT IN THE THINGS I DESIRE
IT’S IN THE LORD I SERVE,
AND HIS ALL-CONSUMING FIRE.
THE HOPE I HAVE IS JUST THAT, HIM.
AND NOTHING MORE WILL DO.
I WILL WAIT FOR THINGS TO BE MADE RIGHT
WHEN THE SHOFAR SOUNDS, AND WE’RE NEW.
Monday, January 7, 2008
A WHOLE NEW MEANING OF NEEDY.
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5 comments:
That is what Jesus told us. That the Lord knows what is in our hearts before we have even asked. That is what means the most to Him and how He knows who we really are, what is really important to us.
In my time of intense grief in the years since my Dad and Mom have passed on, I felt like a needy, nursing baby. All I could do was wale and be comforted by the Father. I had nothing to give, I had no words, just tears and need. Again, no advice, just comfort in knowing you are not alone or that your not weird or something. :) I love you, you know i do. ;)
I love you!! I'm so sad for you right now. I'm amazed at what you are learning though. I'm glad that you ARE being vunerable - and not shutting down. You're a strong woman!
TRUST ME, BENECCA..."STRONG" IS NOTHING OF WHAT I AM RIGHT NOW.
My dad passed away (from ALS...nasty,nasty disease...)when I was fourteen. My mom was left with five children to raise ages, 17, 14, 12, 9 and 5. I was distraught because at that time I felt like God had taken away the person I loved the most on this earth. I was very close to my dad and it was like tearing out a part of me when he died. Many good things happened because of my dad's death though- as odd as that may sound. I couldn't see it at the time but now as I look back I see how all the pieces fit together- how God made something bad in to something good and beautiful. I still miss my dad terribly and sometimes even cry- and it's been 10 years! So yes, you're right- you will always miss your mother. The hurt will always be there- it will only lessen. Look forward to seeing what the Lord is going to do in you and in your families lives. He has something wonderful in store for you! You are in my prayers daily!
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