THIS IS THE HARDEST THING I’VE EVER LIVED THROUGH. I HAVEN’T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA ON HOW TO MOVE ON. WHEN YOU LOSE SOMEONE WHO IS PRACTICALLY CONNECTED TO YOU AT HEART, THEY EXPERIENCE IMMEDIATE HEALING…IMMEDIATE JOY…IMMEDIATE COMFORT FROM THE FATHER…THAT IS NOT SO FOR THE ONES LEFT HERE. WE LIVE ON WITH HEAVY HEARTS. THE FEELINGS IN MY INNERMOST BEING CANNOT BE CONTAINED IN MERE WORDS. I CRY, I MOURN, I LAUGH, I REMEMBER, I CRY SOME MORE. I HEAR KIND WORDS FROM PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME, BUT THEY AND I BOTH KNOW THAT THEY CAN’T SHARE THE SAME PAIN. AND THEN WHEN I SPEAK WITH SOMEONE WHO I HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO IN A WHILE, IT’S LIKE I HAVE TO RE-LIVE EVERYTHING. I HATE THAT PART. HOW EASY IT WOULD BE TO CLOSE MYSELF OFF IN ISOLATION. HOW EASY IT WOULD BE TO JUST BLOCK EVERYONE OUT. BUT THERE’S NO WAY I COULD EVER DO THAT. THERE ARE NO WORDS, THERE ARE NO THOUGHTS, THERE IS NO HELP THAT CAN HEAL THIS. WHAT HAS BEEN DONE WILL NOT BE UNDONE UNTIL THE TRUMPET SOUNDS. THAT IS WHAT I WAIT FOR. FOR NOW, THERE IS JUST BROKENNESS. I AM STILL TRYING TO TRUST, TO LEAN ON, AND TO PRAY TO THIS GOD OF SORROWS THAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO GET TO KNOW ALL OVER AGAIN. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME, EVEN NOW AS YOU READ THIS. I HATE TO EVEN BE THIS VULNERABLE ON MY PAGE, BUT I KNOW PEOPLE ARE WANTING TO KNOW WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON. I REALLY DO APPRECIATE THE THOUGHTFULNESS FROM THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE CONCERNED. EVEN MORESO, PRAY FOR MY DADDY. HE WILL FOREVER LIVE WITH IMAGES THAT ARE FAR BEYOND ANYONE’S WORST NIGHTMARE. NOW, IN THE TIME OF MOURNING, OF GRIEVING, OF WEEPING, IS WHEN ONE DEPENDS ON THE PRAYERS OF THE SAINTS.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME, ESPECIALLY THOSE OF YOU WHO I KNOW HAVE BEEN WONDERING ABOUT ME AND PRAYING FOR ME...REBECCA, JIL, MANDOLYN, VICKI, ANDREA(MEEKANDQUIET). AND ANYONE ELSE, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT, YOUR THOUGHTS ARE MOST WELCOME.