Jesus, My Husband, My Daddy, Our Son

There are a few men in my life that I love and respect the most.....Jesus, my husband, my Daddy, and our son.

Why? They have always loved me. They have always encouraged me to be myself. They accept me. They never objectify me. They never try to "put me in my place". (And yes, I mention myself quite a bit here....because I can only speak for myself on this matter, on how the main guys in my life treat me.)

Allow me to be more specific.

Jesus welcomed women! He entered into humanity through a woman.
He loved, accepted, and (I believe) respected them, in an age when it was unacceptable to do so. Women were the ones who stuck by his side until the end. (I will NEVER forget when my husband pointed that out....it has been lodged in my heart since then, thanks Love!)

My Daddy loves his girls. He spent years working hard, alongside my Momma, to raise us as best as they could. He and my Momma always told us we could be whatever we wanted to be. Daddy always saw me as a beautiful girl, and encouraged me in my dreams...he still does.

My husband. He is a reminder everyday of God's love for me. He supports me, loves me, is loyal to me, and in doing all those things....he reminds me of my worth. In an age when it's very (disgustingly) common for men to use the Bible and religion to silence their wives, and to "make them submit"....my husband has decided to instead live out those handful of verses in Ephesians. He simply loves me, day in and day out, as Christ does His Bride. He lays down his life for me, and puts my own interests ahead of his own (and I try with all I am to do the exact same for him). Instead of finding very select Bible verses to tell me how I "ought to be behaving"....he just keeps on loving me. That speaks volumes to me.

Our son. He loves me day in, and day out...as only a son can do. We are raising him to celebrate the differences between girls and boys. We are raising him to honor every human. I cringe to think that society may STILL be oppressing women when he is older. I hope we instill a "pro-life" attitude within him....that EVERY life is sacred, beginning to end. No excuses.

So while some people choose to bicker back and forth about what women can and can't do, how we should behave, when we should speak or be silent, how we should dress, etc, etc..... I'm just going to let you keep fighting. You can have it. I won't try to change your minds. You've already got them made up, and I'm quite sure you won't listen to me.....I am merely a woman.

(A woman created in His image...just as you were.)

But while you're fighting, demanding, oppressing, and trying to define me....

I will simply keep doing the good things I love to do. While you continue to tear down, I'm just going to keep trying to build up. I will keep working, everyday, to answer your oppression with love and grace.

I will remember that Christ defines me. And as you keep fighting your battles....I will remember that the war has been won. I will remember Jesus, my husband, my Daddy, and our son.

They are the ones who remind me how valuable I am.

They remind me that there are still a few good men.

The Battles, The Cross, The Cost, The Irony.

People fought, and incessantly demanded their own way.
They believed they were the righteous ones.

They believed those who disagreed with their thoughts were unrighteous.

They wanted to stake their claim on power, to show their “rightness”.

They didn’t care to what end.

They didn’t care who got caught in the crossfires of their holy battles.

Love had no place in their ideologies, in their struggles for power.

There was no room for love while they were busy fighting the holy battles.

So they sacrificed love.

They sacrificed Him.

They killed Love, because they had to be certain their ways were right.

And in killing Love, they would know how right they were.

So He allowed it.

They let their own rightful thinking win out, they allowed themselves to be consumed with hatred and power, and they thought doing so would make them winners.

Still, He allowed it.

Not only did they sacrifice Love, but Love sacrificed itself.

And in doing so, Love was the message that ultimately won out.

The irony always astounds me…the irony that we think (still) today, that fighting and demanding, oppressing all who don’t think just like us, will usher in the Kingdom.

The battles....oh so many to name. Battles over religion, doctrine, gender, race, sexual preference, birth control, science, money, education, jobs…..the list of battles are endless….

As we sit back and see the battles. As we hear the hatred being said. As we view the oppression they cause. As we view the hearts broken all for a means to an end-- I hope each of us can look back, no matter our beliefs, and remember that in the end, we will absolutely consume one another if we choose to take part in the battles.

We can stand up and oppress all who disagree, picking up our Bibles and bashin’ heads, citing scripture after scripture of why we are so right….or we can love every person He created in His image, and take care of one another. Not only lavishly loving those who live out hatred, but loving those, bandaging those, helping to heal those who have wounds….who were caught amidst the battles of entitlement.

Even though it constantly happens, decade after decade, time after time, we can still choose to stand together in LOVE. We can join in the fight, and list all the reasons we need to be fighting, or we can choose love. Our lives, our words, our actions, our inactions will ultimately tell the tale of what we truly believe.

Take care, sweet humanity…me, you, every person we know….take care that we don’t choose to be consumed by hatred. It’s oh so easy, and oh so justifiable in the world we live in.

After all, He did mention those two “greatest” things we ought to follow….and I don’t remember fighting being mentioned.

Love is a powerful thing. Ultimately, it has already won…but there’s still that LARGE matter of it winning today, now, in the lives we have been given.

I hope we do our best to side with love, at every turn. Contrary to popular belief, our own ideas are NOT the end all of this life. Love echoes out, erasing the lines that have been drawn, embracing every sweet person who draws breath.

I hope we choose to live in a way that rings in beautifully with His echo that calls out to each of us.

For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, “YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.” But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another. *Galatians 5:13-15*

What Good Is It?

What good is love if it's
something we don't live?
What good is forgiveness if
It's something we don't give?

What good is abundance
If we will never share?
What good is honesty
If we're only putting on airs?

What good is integrity
If we hide our sin behind closed doors?
What good is compassion
If we don't give it anymore?

What good is friendship
If judgment and jealousy get in the way?
What good is encouragement
If it's something we never say?

What good is edification
When we're busy tearing others down?
What good is our faith
If we've buried it in the ground?

J.N.S. 08-26-09

Irony and the Waiting Place.

As I ponder the irony of this poem, I find myself thinking the exact same thoughts I wrote four years ago. I see the irony in how I keep adding to it. Waiting. Yearning. Longing. For a dream. Asking the same God for the same thing, only to sit back and wonder....when? It's oh so easy to tell somebody else to be patient when it's not yourself who is longing for something so dear. It's a whole other thing when it becomes you...thrown into a room of "wait".....praying the same prayer, awakening each morning to the same Waiting Place. Waiting. Crying. Yearning. Yet still, expectantly waiting. Hoping against hope. Hanging on for dear life, even though it seems impossible. As I wait, long, dream, hope, and wish....I share this again with you. I hope it can bring comfort, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt there are others in another kind of Waiting Place. From my heart to yours.


"The Waiting Place"

YOU KEEP TELLING ME NOT TO WORRY
I KEEP TRYING MY BEST TO TRUST,
NOT LETTING MY HEART BE TAKEN OVER
BY WANTING MATERIAL THINGS OUT OF LUST.

YOU KEEP SAYING YOU’LL DELIVER
THE NEEDY WHEN THEY CRY…
YET I’VE BEEN HERE WAITING…
AND EVERYDAY WONDERING “WHY?”.

I KNOW YOU ALWAYS KEEP YOUR WORD
I KNOW YOU WILL ANSWER ME
AND I ALSO KNOW ALL I CAN DO
IS SIT AND WAIT PATIENTLY.

I’VE PUT MY TRUST IN THINGS BEFORE,
IN OTHER PEOPLE, MYSELF, AND MY PLANS…
BUT THE LESSON I KEEP LEARNING
IS JUST TO LET YOU HOLD MY HAND.

“BUT LORD, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND-“
AT TIMES I’VE CRIED OUT TO YOU…
AS IF YOU DIDN’T, YOURSELF, CREATE ME-
AND MAKE ALL THINGS AND PEOPLE NEW!

“I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE-
I GIVE UP!” I’VE CRIED BEFORE.
BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT’S NOT
THE WAY I CAN BE ANYMORE.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I DON’T KNOW!
AND IT’S OKAY TO BE HERE NOW.
IT’S OKAY TO TRUST YOU HAPPILY,
AND NOT KNOW THE “WHY’S AND HOW’S”.

IT'S EVEN OKAY TO HOPE THOUGH SO MUCH
DESPAIR IS STILL LINGERING AROUND...
SOMETIMES YOU DO YOUR BEST WORK
WHEN MY HEART IS SO CLOSE TO THE GROUND.

EVEN THOUGH OTHERS MAY FAIL ME,
AND IT SEEMS LIKE YOU HAVE, TOO...
I'LL REMEMBER YOU SAID THAT ONE DAY
YOU WILL MAKE ALL THINGS NEW.

THOUGH THINGS AROUND MAY BE HOPELESS,
AND LONELINESS AND DEATH ABOUND HERE...
I'LL REMEMBER YOU SAID YOU COMFORT THOSE
WHO ARE MOURNING, AND I WILL NOT FEAR.

EVEN WHEN THE FUTURE SEEMS HOPELESS,
IT’S A GOOD THING TO TRUST IN YOU-
IT’S GOOD TO KNOW, LORD JESUS,
THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO.

SO I STAY HERE-IN THE WAITING PLACE.
I MAY BE HERE FOR YEARS OR DAYS.
BUT I WILL DO MY BEST TO FOLLOW YOU, JESUS
AND LET YOU TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.

*I WON'T LET GO, THOUGH IT HURTS.
THOUGH I KEEP CRYING OUT IN PAIN.
I WILL CLING TO THE DREAM YOU GAVE ME,
THROUGH THE MUCK, THE STORM, THE RAIN.

EVEN WHEN LIFE KEEPS SHOUTING, "NO!",
I WILL COME BACK WITH A TEAR-FILLED, "YES!"-
I WILL KEEP HANGING ONTO YOU AND ASKING,
THROUGH THE YEARNING, THE SORROW, THE STRESS.

AND AS DAYS MAY KEEP PASSING ME BY,
AND I WONDER IF I SHOULD LEAVE
THIS WAITING PLACE AND GIVE IT ALL UP,
I'LL CHOOSE TO LOOK AT YOU, AND STILL BELIEVE.


JESSICA SCHAFER-JULY 4, 2007
*new lines added in 2009*
*newer lines added January 28, 2012*

How do You Measure Your Worth?

Several years ago, when I was pursuing a different career, I unexpectedly (yes, I know how babies happen…but still, work with me here) became pregnant with our absolutely amazing, wonderful, bright, beautiful son. He was a HA-UGE surprise. He was so VERY much welcomed into our lives. I knew the second I was a Momma, I wanted to be a Work at Home Momma. (I say “work”, because the term “stay at home” seems to imply we do nothing but merely “stay” at home.) Anyhow, that’s what I did. That’s what I do. And I’m going to take this opportunity to speak out for other Mommas who do the same. Because quite honestly, I don’t hear many other people doing this. And brutally honestly, I think I need to hear it myself, as I’ve been wrestling with my own problems of feeling de-valued.

There have been countless articles, I’m sure you’ve seen them, that break down all the things a WAHM does. They’re always true, mentioning all we do, and then break it down into a paycheck, mentioning what a WAHM is TRULY worth. I will not post these articles. I will not give you a chart, breaking down all you do into financial terms. I have an ENORMOUS problem with this. Because for some reason, we have this bassackwards thought that to be “worth” something, we have to break it down financially…..much like we do to a pure-bred animal, placing a price tag above her cage. Get the point? Listen, folks, we’re not cattle. We’re not top of the line horses, being viewed by the highest bidder. We’re not up for auction.

Dear, sweet WAHM….. Your worth is NOT in a paycheck. (Neither is anybody else’s worth in what they make at their job(s)!!) If what we bring, or don’t bring, into our bank accounts is how we measure our value, then our faith is absolutely EMPTY. Jesus would’ve been an absolute FAILURE if we measured Him according to our standards of success in today’s world.

It’s so very often about language. I can’t even begin to count out the times I’ve been asked, usually after we’ve talked about what my husband does, “So, do you work?”….or, “So, what do you do, or do you just stay at home?”. Yes, I just stay at home. Yes, so many women I respect just stay at home. They sit there, on the couch. The entire workings of the home take care of themselves, schedules take care of themselves, husbands take care of themselves, children take care of themselves, things run smoothly on their own. We, however, just stay.
We WAHM’s knew the second we chose to do this, we wouldn’t get all the appreciation, pay raises, plaques, words of acknowledgment, etc. We knew we wouldn’t always be talked about. We knew we wouldn’t even have a lot of grown-up human interaction throughout our days. We knew what we were signing up for. However, we never, not ONCE signed up to be put down and demeaned. We never signed up to be ignored. We never signed up to be called “just a stay at home mom”.

If we truly want to talk about “girl power”…..let’s do it. Girl power doesn’t have to mean joining the corporate face of America. It doesn’t mean we have to hold countless degrees, sell books, teach lectures, become CEO’s, own businesses….etc. It doesn’t mean we have to join alongside every man we know and do what they do. (Many women do, and that is SO VERY good for them, they are doing what they love, and I absolutely support that!! And one day, I just may do that as well!) But for now, for me, THIS is what I’m doing. This is what I LOVE. This is what I talk about, think about, dream about, what I do day in, and day out. And many other women do the same. We wanted to do this, THIS IS OUR EMPOWERMENT. And it’s even better if your husband absolutely supports you in your dreams, just as you do in his!!! Girl Power.

So no, I don’t have a TV show. I don’t hold countless degrees. I don’t own a business. I don’t bring home six figures a year. I don’t sell books.
I work here, at home. I invest my time, my energy, my days, my very soul, into all I do here for my family….which in turn affects others around us. Hopefully for the good. (Just as many other women invest themselves in other things, which is absolutely great that they’re doing what they love, as well!!) This is what I chose to do. I guess this is my way, in my little corner of the world, standing on a chair, raising up my fist and shouting, “SOLIDARITY, SISTER!!!”. Just as we support our spouses, wholeheartedly….just as we support our friends who do the complete opposite of what we do….we, too, need support. We need encouragement. We need to be reminded that we are valuable. This is me, for what it’s worth, reminding you of that. You ARE valuable. And I won’t demean you by putting a price tag on all you do. Because I’ve been learning, just as my parents always told me, “Money isn’t everything…..sure it’s nice, but it’s not everything.” It’s not. There’s so much more to life. Keep doing what you love, WAHM’s!!! I notice you!! I acknowledge you!! Spread the word…….Girl Power!! (Which for me, by the way, means not only empowering girls, but guys as well….after all, I’m married to a great guy, and Momma to an amazing son.)


***Disclaimer, please don’t read what I’m NOT saying. I have had many other jobs while being a “work at home” Momma. Also, My Momma worked outside the home her whole life. Very obviously, she is my Hero. So please don’t see my writing as diminishing others….I’m not, in any way, shape, or form. I think we’re all on the same side!! One of my closest friends works outside her home. I’m just wanting to remind you sweet girls that you are valuable, just as each person is. Sometimes we need to hear it.

A Thankful Tension.

I can still remember the calmness inside when I was singing to my sweet little boy who had just turned three only weeks before. I remember knowing that He was going to take care of her, that she would be okay, that I’d be okay, that we’d all be okay. That He was here…among us. It was something I can’t describe in mere words. I’d prayed for that forever….I remember even releasing that deep breath (ever done that?) that just let go of the fear I had concerning Her. I knew He’d handle it. And not even minutes later, we got the phone call that would unleash a living hell that lasted day after day….even to now. I felt betrayed by Him. (I fully believe we belong to a God who has broad enough shoulders for ALL of our emotions, desires, feelings…etc.)

Fast forward to now, almost four years later. SO VERY much has happened to our family…..more than you’d care to read about. So many tears, so much heartache…doubt, fear, worry, even more grief, and sorrow. We’ve been hit with so many things from outward, it’s seemed like one long nightmare. (And I have many loved ones who have also gone through hell recently, how my heart aches for them…) And finally…again….a few weeks ago I had that comfort and peace, in knowing we were going to be okay. I felt hope again….it had come in tiny little waves, probably a handful of times over the past few years…but this time was different. I had that same inner peace, happiness…calmness that I’d had that night we got the most horrible phone call ever. I was ready to laugh again, to trust again, to stop being so afraid. And not even a day after that “sense of peace and closeness” from God…..it has been as though hell was unleashed again. Many things have been popping up…worries, doubts, fears, questions, frustrations, tears. And I found myself resenting this God again….the One who keeps stripping away at my soul. The One who has left me alone so many times…..I found myself shaking my fist at Him again. Really? Again? Now? More of the same nightmare? Why?? Why does my heart keep getting stripped away? Why are people I love having to hurt so much?

All those emotions welled up again….at Him. Some days, I am just so angry at Him. Some days, I wonder if He’ll show up…

And as horrible as that sounds, I’m SO THANKFUL for these things I feel. I’m thankful I CAN wrestle with Him. I’m thankful I can cry out AT Him, be frustrated with Him, question Him, doubt Him…….I’m thankful I can grab onto Him, and not let go until I get some peace, until I get some prayers answered.

I used to feel guilty for that. I used to think I was horrible for crying out to Him, because I’d been told “be grateful, thankful, shut up, get in line, other people have it worse, your problems aren’t that bad, get over losing your Momma, quit complaining…”blah, blah, blah. And true, some people do have “it worse”….but we can’t minimalize our own agony. We ALL have hurts. To ignore pain, to ignore ANY of our issues, with ourselves, or within our marriages, and to push things under the rugs of our lives will ONLY make everything worse….because all secrets will come back to haunt us if we don’t handle them. Don’t be naïve, whatever cheap remedy we think is “fixing” our issues that we’re keeping from all those around us won’t last….the only way through is THROUGH. Ya can’t go around reality.

Today, the one thing I know to be true is this; a God I can’t cry out to, or even complain to when life is so brutal, is NOT a God worth hanging onto.

If this God who loves us as much as we TRULY believe He does, if this God who created us in HIS very image really does care for us…….WHY would we EVER IN A MILLION YEARS believe that He’d want us to push our broken hearts aside and ignore our pain?? Why do we choose to make up our own false reasons about our hurt, or someone else’s hurt? Why do we create these false stories that shut up the oppressed, only to appease our false sense of “faith”?

That isn’t the Gospel.

The Gospel isn’t afraid to look at tears. The Gospel isn’t afraid to comfort somebody beaten up by life, by other people. The Gospel isn’t afraid to be around somebody who has a negative attitude, who is angry, who is hurt. The Gospel doesn’t cover up the truth, it drags it out into the light, exposing all that is dark. The Gospel doesn’t shut up the oppressed. When it does, it stops being the Gospel.
Isn’t that what it’s supposed to be for? The oppressed? And oppressed by what?
Sometimes, we become the oppressors of others in our silence, in our actions and inactions, in our hatred, in our judgments, in our “false stories” (thanks to my husband for these ideas) about others, and ourselves. We become our own “anti-Christs”…in more ways than we even care to learn about.

I think sometimes we mistake motivational speaking as the Gospel.
And it’s not.
The Gospel is summed up in one word; LOVE….in one man; JESUS.

I think we need to be careful with our false doctrines that we hold so dear. The Gospel is big enough to accept us all, and all of each of us.

All of our brokenness, all of our weakness, all of our hurt, despair, sorrow, grief, and tears.

Have we learned nothing of a Saviour born into poverty? A Saviour who went to the poor, the broken, the sad, the depressed, the sorrowful…….have we forgotten the Gospel Story that much?

Anyway…..I guess I am thankful, still, as I’ve mentioned in years past….for hurting. I hope for pain to stop, for myself, for my sweet loved one (you know who you are). I hope for the grief to end. Until then, I will be thankful that God is big enough to understand my hurt and become the “suffering servant” (thanks again, My Love) to each of our own hearts. He is big enough to handle the truth of your life, the things we keep away from others…pretending that all is well. What was it Emily Dickinson said?... “I like a look of agony, because I know it’s true…”

The Gospel is a true story….one of LOVE. Love takes on everyone, and love would never shut out the cry of any person who was oppressed by anything.

Be love for one another.

“And He said to him, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’…..” Matthew 22:37-39

And oh, by the way… I often wonder if this God gives me these very real, very calm, very peaceful and hopeful reminders of Him just before these horrible storms to let me know that no, it ISN’T okay….but that He is with me, even as I hang onto Him and keep wrestling with him, being persistent in asking Him to show up and answer my cries.

I am convinced that He will wait with me until He does.

Talk is Cheap.

“Maybe, sorta, kinda, if I really had to say
Something good is on its way…
And we’re gonna pull through, we’re gonna pull through.”
*Over the Rhine*


Life can offer so much heartache.

Through the times it has handed us grief, tears, frustration, loss, and sorrow, you have been the kind of husband who always offered hope, broad shoulders, and comfort. You have reminded me I wasn’t alone. You have carried my grief. You have shared in my sorrows. You’ve reminded me how much God loves me…and ironically, you’ve hardly used any words at all. You’ve simply loved me…….every single moment.

And because of the way you have loved me, I have been able to remember His love for me. Because of how you have acted, always out of love and never obligation…….I will forever be thankful. I only hope I am almost as wonderful to you as you always have been to me. I love you, Love. I don’t know why some things in life come so hard…but I’m so glad that loving you comes easy. I guess I just wanted to remind you of that.

Trapped in Time.

I sit here watching my sweet son work on his science lesson. He is reading about pandas. He starts telling me all sorts of facts about pandas and other animals. I notice something that I hadn’t ever thought of before. I’m listening to his little sweet voice, and just taking in the way he pronounces his words, the excitement in his voice. He just turned 7, (goodness….where does the time disappear to?) and I realize he won’t sound like this anymore. I began to think of the way his voice sounded last year, two years ago…..and even further, trying to remember the sound of it when he first started talking. It sends chills down my spine to think that I can’t exactly remember. Sure, I can watch a home video and hear that voice again, but it will still be somewhat distorted from being recorded. The time has passed. He won’t be sounding like that anymore. In a few short years, he will be speaking to me in a voice that is deeper, more mature. He will be turning into a young man sooner than I ever could’ve imagined. Try as I may, I can’t go back. Neither can I go forward. All I can do is be present, be here…in this time, in this moment.

Whatever life is handing you, whatever you are living out today, LIVE it. If it’s happiness, abundance, love, joy…..live those things. Laugh until you cry, take care of others in your abundance, love so fiercely that you feel as if your heart may explode, savor the joy. Yet in your happiness, remember those around you who are hurting, be there for them, encourage them, cry with them, help carry their burdens. If what you’re going through today is grief, drought, heartache, sadness…..live those things. Let yourself grieve, allow others to take care of you, let your heart literally ache, because often- that is what it takes to heal. Cry as much as you need to, and don’t feel guilty about it…there are times in life when all we can do is offer tears and grief, and that is perfectly acceptable. Allow others to carry your burdens with you.

Whatever we are living through today will pass…time is both a blessing and a curse.

Not everything we endure happens to teach us some grand lesson . When we are experiencing pain and loss, it doesn’t mean God may be trying “tell us something”. It just may be happening, and the best thing we can do is LIVE through it. The key word being LIVE.

Don’t ignore your tears, nor your laughter. LIVE them.

Tomorrow, he may sound different. I will always remember yesterday’s voice. But today, I can LIVE it with him. I can listen to him, love him, cry with and for him, learn from him, teach him, LIVE with him.

I think that pleases Him, for us to live…….whether we are living out tears or laughter…….He is with us. Either crying with us, or laughing with us. Either way, let’s LIVE each today for what it’s worth, because we can't escape the time that has us trapped.

“There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven…” Ecclesiastes 3:1

A Fake Smile, or an Honest Tear?

When did we start equating happiness, optimism, and distancing ourselves with those hurting as Godliness?? This is absolutely not Good News. We are to speak up for the oppressed and hurting ones, to be a voice for them when they don't have one. To often sacrifice a "good mood" for another person's tears. Shutting a person out of our lives simply because they are hurting, mourning, pessimistic, or heaven forbid, depressed, will not do a single thing to bring about the Kingdom. For the life of me I can't understand how we have confused turning our hearts from the hurting ones as love.

I remember reading that we are to "let all that we do be done in love". I remember reading stories of people hurting, crying out, and wailing for love, healing, and restoration. I remember reading that we are to "bear one another's burdens". I remember reading of a Saviour who wept. I remember Him accepting the oppressed.
If we have a problem with people hurting, and being honest and faithful enough to talk about their hurt, instead of pasting on a fake smile to appease the masses of christians around them.....then following a Man who was crucified may not be what we really want to do.

After all, what is more important? Him, His children? Or the ability to shut out the cries of the oppressed so we can always wear a smile on our faces...and never have to feel an honest, human, God- given emotion?

Whispering Love.

"For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.' But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another." Galatians 5:13-15

It is such a freeing thing to grasp the idea that His will for us is to love, always. Not a corruption of love, not a twisted love, but the love mentioned above. Love never tears down, it builds up. Love doesn't condemn, it embraces. Love doesn't insist upon a certain theology or doctrine. It doesn't demand it's own way.

As I look back at the days I've been given, something fascinates me about love. I've never, not once, experienced love shown to me by cold doctrines, shallow faith, or judgments cast upon me from those who "know better" than others. I've not once experienced His love when someone is shouting at me, "Do this, do that". I haven't seen love when someone shamed another in their hurting.

The times I have seen Him, love, have been when a friend is crying from a broken heart. When someone chose to comfort another, rather than judge them. When someone whispered hope to a broken heart, rather than condemning them.

I remember seeing Him when my closest friends cried with me after losing my Momma. I see love when I get a postcard reminding me I am being prayed for. I know real love when I think of Her. I see love when my husband teaches. I feel love when I'm with my whole family.

I don't remember ever seeing real love, the kind that is pure, selfless, compassionate, and faithful when someone was shouting from the rooftops that their way was the only true way. On the contrary....everytime I've experienced times like that, I've seen a distortion of love. And everytime I hope and pray that the real thing will win out, for His sake...for your sake...for our sake.

Because as absolutely true as it is that there ARE other wills at work on this earth.....His will, the one of LOVE is also at work. My hope for my son is for Him to always recognize what real love is, and choose to do it. Even when that choice seems unpopular, or goes against some system's set of beliefs. I hope he grows up to be a man who is loving, loyal, honorable, and who constantly whispers hope, peace, and comfort to those around him, even when the opposite is being shouted back at him. I hope he will be a man who helps the oppressed. I hope he can look back on his days and recognize love, when he's truly seen Him. I hope he knows how truly loved he is in a world that can be riddled with grief. In other words, I hope this sweet boy grows up to be just like his Daddy.

Restoration.

Since The Deep Sadness, our family has been visited by tragedy upon tragedy. Even though God could have changed things but didn't, we are left here handling the grief. Yet I have still been comforted by knowing that he has been here with us all along. Even though we have felt His absence...we have also felt His presence.

Living through losing her, in the terrible way it all happened, I have written how it brought me to see the sorrowful side of God. The past few years, He has so chosen to continue to show that same side of Himself. My thoughts and ideas on God have been challenged, changed, shattered, mangled, stretched, and strengthened. There is a place a daughter gets to when she loses her Mother at a young age. I never expected it. But yet, here I am. If God can so choose to cause such deep, great, life-changing loss in our lives.....if He is THAT powerful, then He can be powerful enough to bring comfort, and hope. He can carry this lifelong grief with us. He can even so choose to give us many new, wonderful blessings. Losing her has left a huge gap in my soul that can never be filled until we meet again. However, though it has opened up my eyes to see how great and awful life can be, and it has affirmed my deepest fears....it somehow has reminded me that if He is THAT big....He can cause just as many great and wonderful things, as well.

This emptiness in my soul has given me wings to take flight. Because I know wherever I go, she is with me.

I have a tiny piece of faith, tattered and torn.....I have an even tinier shred of hope that has somehow remained, amidst all this pain. I believe it has been kept safe for these moments in my life. Instead of asking God, "Will you?"....I am now saying, "I know you will!!!". Because I can't ignore the part of Him that has kept me sane and alive. I have to believe, for my sake, my family's sake, my friend's sake, and even His...that He is about to pick up the broken pieces He has shattered...and piece together new and beautiful pictures of restoration.

I have always said to ignore deep grief is to ignore Him. "For if He causes grief, then he will have compassion according to His abundant lovingkindness." Lamentations 3:32

These words have been stuck in my head for days...

"He'd begun to wake up in the morning with something besides dread in his heart. Not happiness exactly, not eagerness for the new day, but a kind of urge to be eager, a longing to be happy." ~Jon Hassler~

"Do you dare? Why not? Think of your loved one as blessing your effort, smiling through the veil that separates life from death, cheering you on---'Go ahead. Give it a try. I dare you. You know I'd love to have you succeed. And you may. This is the time!'..." ~Martha Whitmore Hickman~

"'Why not' is a slogan for an interesting life." ~Mason Cooley~

*"You who have shown me many troubles and distresses will revive me again, and will bring me up again from the depths of the earth." Psalm 71:20

The God Who Takes...and Gives.

This God who loves me, who created me, who gives me breath everyday, has allowed me to see a side of Him that I never would have tried to get to know on my own. He has allowed tragedy after tragedy to surround me, and there have been many nights I grappled with wondering if He was even "there". There have been nights I cried silently, wondering as Job once did, "What is my strength that I should wait? And what is my end that I should endure?" (Job 6:11). I never would have understood why a person would speak those words, until the past three and a half years. Day after day, week after week, there have been so many different things I have given to Him to take care of.....and nothing. Minute after minute, hour after hour, through bitter, sad, broken tears I have cried out, "Why?". I know there is no answer, regardless of all the nice, tidy religious suggestions one may try to push on someone who is hurting...all I have come to know is to just keep going. Even when grief is all He gives, keep going. Even when silence is all He gives,keep going. Even when He takes.....keep going. Even when He could change it all in a second but doesn't...keep going. "Shall we accept good from God, and not accept adversity?" (Job2:10)

I have come to know through tears, loneliness, and grief over the past many moons of darkness that one thing is certain; this is God's doings. I can't change that. And He knows my heart well enough to know that the anger I have towards Him is out of the love I have for Him. The doubt I have in Him is out of the belief I have in Him. He alone brought on these dark days...He alone can change them. I will continue to wrestle, and feel each pain for what it's worth until He answers....just as those we read of in the Bible did....I can't let go of Him, because I believe He has been here beside me through it all. And if I believe that,then I believe He has felt it all. And if I believe that, then I must believe that He can change things. I have learned that my great grief is, indeed, great faith.

My family has many things hanging in the balance right now. So much can change, for the better. But because of the past few years, I have some issues with trusting that things will get better. (Because I think there is MUCH to be said of our theology/faith/hope changing due to life's happenings. If we blindly ignore the bad, we will surely miss Him in it. If we only smile when hell is all around, we negate the beauty of hurting, and become like unfeeling robots. I canNOT look at His life, and the way He created us, and believe that that is the way we are to live....it goes directly against the heart of the Gospel.) Because I have become so familiar with the darkness around me, it's been tough for me to get to re-know this God who gives. Yes, I've seen Him as the God who takes for a while now...but I am seeing glimpses again of the Giver.

I guess I'm walking a fine line. I am *almost* at a point where I can say, "What if He actually DOES answer these deep prayers I've been crying for years?". Almost. That is a big step. A different place. A place that is still quite unfamiliar to me. There's so much He's taken, things we've longed for, prayed for. I am beginning to wonder if He may, just maybe, give again. Restore again. Much like Job, I guess. Job didn't get his loved ones back, but He did get a new family. So there's this great tension of living with reality, but accepting new gifts. Still carrying love and grief for what was, but getting to love and and accept new gifts, as well.

Maybe that's where I am right now. I am still in this cold darkness, where He has placed me...but my empty hand is reaching out, and it is warm...and I think I may feel the Hand of the Giver, once again.

A VERY happy and sappy love story…….but a true one.

When I was a little girl,
I often fantasized about
A picture perfect family for me.

To be married to the greatest
Man, who loved me so truly,
My own handsome prince charming.

I looked, I waited, I prayed,
I often gave up that dream,
And convinced myself there was no such man.

I forgot my worth,
I forgot what love was,
I gave up on my wonderful plan.

Still, I needed someone
to share in this life,
To laugh with me, cry with me, love me.

A man who would be
Always faithful and true,
A wonderful husband, he’d always be.

Somehow, and I just
Don’t know why,
God made my whole dream come true.

He sent a man who
Was better than any prince,
An amazing love….He sent me YOU.

When I’ve needed to
Cry, you’ve held me…
My burdens you’ve always helped carry.

When I’ve laughed,
It’s been so much sweeter,
I’m so glad we decided to marry!!

When I often forget
Who I am in Him,
You remind me of His grace.

When I picture in my
Head what love is,
It’s always your handsome face.

You’ve made all the
Happy days much brighter,
Because you’re here, there is more joy.

You’ve made the
Sad days seem a little less heavy…
Oh Em Gee, you’re my favorite boy!!!

I don’t deserve
To call you mine,
In fact, I often feel unworthy of

This love you give me,
I’m so grateful for you,
Happy 8th Anniversary, My Love!!




It’s always been you, it will always be you.

Life has handed us despair, grief, anger, love, happiness, doubt, worry, stress, bliss, laughter, joy, and tears.

And because God has given me YOU to share this life with, the laughs have been longer, and the hurts have been much softer.

Eight years…it may seem like a long time…but when it comes to loving you, it’s not anywhere close to the number of years it would take to show you just how much I love you.

Happy Anniversary, My Love. You are such a reminder that true love does, indeed exist, and that God answers prayers.

Paradox.

Three and a half years. It’s been that long since we lost Her. My Momma.

Has the grief left? No, not at all. (I refuse to believe that “one day” it won’t hurt that I don’t have my Momma here. I don’t see our God as one who sees the need to blot out the memories of our loved ones……if that were so, then what is the point of loving one another now??) Yes, I have laughed since then. I’ve laughed so much that my stomach burned with joy. I’ve felt immense love so much that there are no words to describe- from my amazing husband, son, Daddy, sister, friends, etc. I’ve also still cried. Cried bitter, angry, sad, lonely tears for her.

I’ve mentioned before how many people see grief as something that needs “12 steps” to recover from. Another danger for people experiencing grief is that others see it as a weakness…and will then treat them as a project that needs fixin’. We grow our whole lives being told, “Be strong” when Jesus overcame death with weakness. We say, “Do it yourself!”…when we learn that apart from Him we can do nothing. “Don’t cry”….yet He says he keeps our tears in a bottle. “Don’t depend on anyone”…when we learn from Him to “bear one another’s burdens”.

Grief IS A WEAKNESS. However, what makes us think that being weak is wrong?? We erroneously equate weakness for sin. And it’s not. Sin is making a choice to do the absolute wrong thing. Is grief wrong? NO. Then WHY on earth do we treat hurting people as though they need to “overcome” their grief? Why do we treat them as though they’re stuck in some dark sin? Why on earth do we say things like, “I’ll pray that God gives you strength to get over this, and smile and be happy, even though your loved one is now buried six feet under, and you’ll spend the rest of your life without them”... Sounds ridiculous when you read that out loud, huh?? But let me tell you…..I’ve heard things just like that before, and all too often somebody needing hope whispered to their broken spirit is condescendingly told, “I’ll pray for you”.

Grief brings to the surface an intimate side of us. When we long to have our loved ones back, we are vulnerable. We hurt, and sometimes we have to talk about it. We cry, and sometimes need someone to cry with us. We are often weak from hurting, and the hurt is all we CAN feel. We feel great loss, because great love is there. Weakness is something He was all too familiar with. Heaven help us for ever thinking that as Believers, it is our god-given duty to “be strong” when parts of our very being are dead. Forgive us for belittling those amidst their pain, when bearing their burdens is truly what mirrors Him.

When did we become so arrogant in our faith that we think our grief is something we need to overcome? When Jesus, Himself, missed someone he loved so much, that he brought him back FROM THE DEAD.

I am often appalled at the way we silence someone else’s tears. It sickens me, really. We call them crybabies, we say they just need to get to a “more mature” point, we say we’ll pray they can stop being so sensitive…..when Jesus said we are supposed to be like CHILDREN. What’s the FIRST thing a child does when they are hurting? THEY C R Y!!! They seek comfort. They seek someone’s lap to sit on while they hurt. They want to know they’re not alone. They complain out of their pain. They express a basic, God-given need that we grown-ups often forget….the need for one another. They are honest…so much that they acknowledge the pain within, don’t understand it, but know they need others to lean on. And what do we do? We are there for them (hopefully). But somehow we see grown-ups acting like children, having the audacity to shed a tear because a loved one was ripped out of their lives…..and we tell them to “build a bridge and get over it”. We see someone living with grief that’s too hard to even speak of…..and we choose to ignore them, finding every reason in the book to excuse our unloving responses. God forgive us. Forgive us for only wanting to see Your good side, and ignoring Your sorrowful side.

This God who loves us is not a big fluffy, pink marshmallow of a man who wants nothing for us but rainbows, laughs, riches, and self-righteousness.

He is a paradox. Though He comforts….He causes grief. Though He catches our tears….He causes crying. Though He gives…..he takes away. Though He is present…..He is often absent.

Our tears, our hurts, our broken hearts, our grief…….are all precious to Him. Just as our laughter, joy, prosperity, and smiles may be used to further His Kingdom….. so will our cries, sadness, poverty, broken hearts, and grief. If Jesus’ story is true, then we HAVE to get to a point to live as though we believe this.

Not My Home.

As my family eyes a potential move to a faraway place, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. I’ve never been out of the southwest, barring one trip to Ohio years ago. I’ve been thinking about that word, “home”. What does it mean? The past three and a half years have redefined home for me. I can’t drive down 15th street in Frederick, Oklahoma, and go visit my Momma and Daddy at “home”. I won’t find them there. Momma is not in a place where I can see her anymore. Daddy is at home with Nonna, in Texas. And my heart rejoices in that for him. We’ve been praying for peace and healing for him for so long, and we are thankful for this new phase in his life, and thankful for Nonna, who’s been a huge blessing to our family in more ways than she knows. That’s another story, for another time.

Home.

As many people know, “The Wizard of Oz” is my all-time favorite movie. I have a pretty good collection of memorabilia from that movie, and the books. It’s sort of poetic, how much I love that movie, and how I identify with Dorothy.

I’ve written about my story, probably so much that people don’t care to hear, but I can’t apologize for that. (I believe with my whole heart that sharing our stories with one another provides comfort, healing, and is another way to spread the Good News….after all, isn’t the whole Bible a collection of stories?) And for all the sadness, tears, grief, sorrow, hopelessness….many times that is all I’ve had to offer. And if I’ve learned ANYTHING over the past few years, it is that that is okay. It is actually a VERY good thing. In fact, if I were to withhold what God is putting me through….it would not be fair to me, or you. As hard as the truth is sometimes, it’s just that, the truth. My husband mentioned recently how he was oddly comforted by the words of Jesus, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”…..that hits home for me as well. Sometimes I need to know that someone else is hurting and crying out for comfort…..sometimes knowing I wasn’t alone was the ONLY thing that kept me going through the very long days and nights that drew out the latter days of my twenties. It’s comforting to know that I’m “safe” to hurt, mourn, cry, have sorrow, “feel”….because He allows that……we are safe in our sorrow with Him. In fact, shouldn’t I offer my whole self to Him, rather than withhold those most honest parts, such as grief and sorrow?? That is why I share these hard things….because I know there are others hurting silently…..you are not alone.

There are days when it seems as though the past few years have aged me a good fifty years. There are days when it’s still hard to wake up, because the first things I remember are the tragedies that have happened to my family. There are days when all I can do is drink coffee, and make it through what seems like endless hours of despair. Nights when tears just flow as I lay next to my husband. Tears of grief, anger, despair, worry, doubt. Days when I fear what may happen to our family, not out of some neurotic mindset, but because of what already HAS happened. Yet, there are good days. There are days when I can just sort of “feel” (for lack of a better word) that my Momma is here alongside me, missing us just as we’re missing her. Days when I feel hopeful, as small as that hope may be, that something good is coming our way. Days when I look at my son, and I’m so proud of his accomplishments at only 6 years old. Days when I cry tears of joy for the sweet moments God’s given me amidst the sorrow. Days when I want to “sing of His mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy….”.

What has life reminded me lately? Home isn’t a place I can see, it isn’t the town I grew up in. It’s not the town my husband and I started our lives together. It isn’t the house I grew up in, that I still picture my Momma living in on many days. It isn’t where we may move to in a few weeks.

There is a beautiful picture I have hanging in our home that reads, “HOME IS WHERE THEY LOVE YOU”.

That’s just it. Right there. Those simple words. But who are “they”? They are my family, my close friends. Home is my Momma. Home is who my Momma is now with. Home is East Texas, near a beautiful lake, where my Daddy and Nonna live. Home is where my sister resides, in a suburb of Kansas City. Home is in my best friend’s homes. Home is Kansas where my in-laws live. Home is where My Love, our offspring, and myself reside…..whether that’s a one bedroom apartment given to us from friends to shelter us from life, a beautiful home rented to us from other selfless friends, or a small apartment in Pasadena, California. Home is, indeed where they love me. I can only hope that no matter where life takes us, I will lavishly give that love back that’s been given to me. God’s been showing me how to redefine home. Home is more than a house, more than a town, more than a country. Home is with my husband, who has always been loving, inspiring, loyal, encouraging, comforting, and often put up with more than he deserves. Home is in my sweet little baby boy’s eyes, as he continues to grow everyday.

I identify so much with that little girl who is longing for a place to call home, a place to belong, to fit in…a place where she is loved. In the end, she ultimately finds she’s been there all along…that home is where they love her the most….

And I can assure you, there’s no place like home.