My Distant Dream.

I see you in the distance
Though you're just beyond my grasp.
There's so much I wish I knew,
So many questions I long to ask.

As moments turn to months,
And I so often think of letting go...
I try to cling to tiny flashes,
The smallest glimmerings of hope.

Time turns into years, and often
Even loved ones tell me to just give in.
But then this God who loves me
Whispers to my soul within.

I see you again, even farther away,
All around me doubt abounds,
And some days I listen to the emptiness,
Because hope seems to have no ground.

Still you keep shining through, yet small
Though all logic says you're dead,
Hope is hanging on dearly to me,
Trying to find a home in my head.

Through countless tears, I'm swimming,
Broken inside and ripping at the seams,
Yet somehow He keeps me hanging on to you,
My hope, my reason, my dream.

J.N.S.
3-26-12

300! And Doing Good for Image Bearers.

This is my 300th post!! Woo-hoo!! Not that big of a deal to many, but to me, it is. There was a time (amidst the Deep Sadness) that I didn't think I'd ever have the ability to feel, laugh, sing, create, or write again. But here I am. Evidence of the Grace-giver. Evidence that taking the long route of living through grief, rather than avoiding it, can indeed happen. Were it not for my husband, who has loyally, lovingly, patiently, stood beside me and carried the daily burden of tears my heart bleeds....I'm not sure if I'd have a care to take part in creating anymore. Thank you, My Love. The way you always love me is indescribable. I only hope I am able to spend the rest of our days together reminding you of your worth, and how much I love you.

For the big 300, I wanted to talk about something that is very dear to me.

LOVE.

And loving one another.

For all the things out there that we can fight about, whether it's gender wars, religion, motherhood, or whatever else we constantly choose to bicker over.....
I would hope that we choose to have a hand in building up the Image Bearers. I would hope that we always choose acting, speaking, doing things out of love.

For all the reasons, all the causes, all the different doctrines we've made for ourselves, and even the Bible verses we can quote that support our reasons to hate, tear down, and oppress any other person(s).......the common theme I've seen throughout the story of this God I know is one of LOVE.

There's always a reason for love, the question is whether we'll believe it enough to live it out or not.
Because we all know how we speak, act, live, and love is a mirror from within our very souls.

I hope we all choose to mirror LOVE. It's always the answer. Always.


"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
When it is in your power to do it.

Do not say to your neighbor, 'Go, and come back,
And tomorrow I will give it,'
When you have it with you."
*Proverbs 3:27-28*

"See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people."
*I Thessalonians 5:15*

"Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth." I John 3:18

“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And He said to him, “ ‘YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.’ “This is the great and foremost commandment. “The second is like it, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’ “On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”
*Matthew 22:36-40*

Mommyhood and Lent.

I often find myself saying, "Hold on, Momma's busy...give me a minute....one second..."

And it's so true, there's so much to do!! With just everyday life, taking care of everyone else, cleaning, laundry, Bible studies, church, meals, ministries, homeschooling, and somewhere in there, time to rest.

But the days, the months....the years. They can FLY. Before I realize it, I look around and see my SEVEN year old son. 7. Not only that, but this summer my amazing husband and I will be celebrating our 9 year anniversary! Wow! How did it happen? I am in awe at how much love is experienced in our family....I wish I could bottle all the time up, to live in the moments forever. Over the years, I've heard so many Mommas say things about time flying---and I knew it to be true. But it goes even quicker when we're not really taking the time to invest it in our loved ones.

There is ALWAYS plenty of work to do.
There will always be deadlines to meet.
There is always another job that needs doing, another meeting to attend, another event to plan, another sink full of dirty dishes, another load of laundry to wash, another box to check.....
But there will NOT always be today.

For Lent this year, I didn't have a definitive thing to fast from. I told myself I would try to be much more intentional and attentive in taking care of my family and myself. Lord, how I fail! Every day, time after time. I am reminded of how human I am. How I am not perfect.

Then I remember the reason for Lent....to be reminded of Him, and how He is the Perfect One. He offers grace. He offers love. And He is faithful in helping me keep my eyes open to the OH, so valuable people in my life. The job I have the highest privilege of doing everyday is SO much more than a job. I find such pride in pouring myself into these precious people I get to share the same home with. They are my home. They have kept me awake through many seasons of grief. They have reminded me of the God who loves us always, and I only hope to always remind them of the same.

So not only for this season of Lent, but everyday, I am just trying as best as I know how to love, love, love on these precious guys. If I learned anything at all from the days we got to share with my Momma, it's that life is MUCH too short. It truly is a gift.....and I am trying to see each day as such. Someone once said, "Life is short, and death is long".....so very true.

Whatever season we are in....whether it be summer, spring, laughter, or mourning.....
I hope we are living the HECKFIRE out of it, with and for those who love us most.


I came across this poem today, the author is anonymous. Get a tissue.....

"My hands were busy through the day.
I didn’t have much time to play.
The little games you asked to do,
I didn’t have much time for you.
I’d wash your clothes. I’d sew and cook.
You’d ask and I’d read from your book.
I’d tuck you in all safe at night,
And hear your prayers; turn out the light.


Then tiptoe softly by your door,
I wish I’d stayed a minute more.
For life was short, the years rushed past,
A little boy grows up so fast.
No longer is he at my side,
His precious secrets to confide.
The picture books are put away.
There are no longer games to play.


No Teddy Bears or misplaced toys
No sleepovers with lots of boys.
No goodnight kiss,
no prayers to hear.
That all belongs to yesteryear.
My hands, once busy, now are still.
The days are long and hard to fill.
I wish I could go back and do
The little things you asked me to do"


"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God, as a fragrant aroma." Ephesians 5:1-2

Dreaming of a New Thing.

Sometimes finding a New Way is the only way to keep a good thing going. Sometimes thinking outside the lines that have been drawn, and the worlds that have been built, is the only way to progress.

I realize I am a dreamer. I never have really tried to fit into anybody else's mold for me. But admittedly, it can get lonely. And I've been quite discouraged over the last few years for so many different reasons. On our little vacation to Ohio, I was very much encouraged.

We visited the Wright Brothers Museum with our dear friends in Dayton. Mainly, we wanted to take our sweet boy to see it all. He is a lover of all things involving science and history....I knew he'd just learn so much. At one point, I leaned down and whispered in his ear,"Even though everybody thought they were crazy for doing something nobody had ever heard of, they kept going. And because they did, there are hundreds of airplanes in the air everyday! They NEVER gave up dreaming, even after they failed!"
They had a hand in revolutionizing the world.
They failed countless times.
They got discouraged.
They were put down by other people.
But they kept working, learning, changing, inventing, dreaming.......
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, as soon as I caught myself reminding our sweet little bean to always keep going, even if it was something new, something different...
I reminded myself.

"Keep going, Jes. Keep doing the good things, keep building up, keep loving, keep living."

I long to do something different, to strive to think progressively. I want to have a hand in helping those in need. To help end the fighting, and instead start a movement that is inviting to all of humanity, rather than exclusive and divisive. I want to live out these words:

"Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

I have been hearing about a Man who changed things. He did things differently. He didn't fall in line. He accepted the foreigner, the alien. He defended the women and children. He stood up for the oppressed. Others called Him crazy, a heretic, unfaithful....but He kept doing a new thing. He calls us out, inviting us to join Him.....
So I think I will just keep working, thinking, learning, and doing. I will continue to do my best to fall on the side of love and grace.

I don't know about you, but I'm ready to start something new.

A Broken Tune from Within.

I don’t know if it’s only for today, but I’m ready again…….

Life can bring so much sorrow. Even in my own life, I’ve faced things I know I’m not alone in, but still…..too tragic for any person to live through. But in 2007 (which still seems like yesterday, yet fifty years all at once…..it’s such a paradox) when we lost my amazing Momma, it just changed me. Of course, it would…..absolutely. A daughter losing her mother affects her for the rest of her life. Whether one had a good relationship, or a bad one with their mom, losing a mother affects you. That’s the difference between that, and all the other pieces of grief I’ve been dealt…..so many of them can be fixed. They can be mended. They can be redeemed. Circumstances can get better. There is hope that things will get better. There’s hope that people will change. But death is final……in death, there’s only hope for what comes after this life. That is why losing her was so pivotal.

I miss how she always wanted to hear me sing. It’s such an odd thing to be talking about, I know. Music is such a special thing, no matter your faith, culture, age, sex, etc. It moves us. When she spoke of how much she liked hearing me sing, it just….I don’t know. It stirred something. It made me feel like I had something to offer. More than that, something to offer her, the one who brought me into this world.

Since she’s been gone the “song” in me hasn’t been around much. I’ve belted out a tune here or there in church, but it wasn’t the same. Oddly enough, some of the times I cry the heaviest, most bitter tears, are when we sing songs in church about “when we all get to heaven”. Because I don’t just want to see her THERE, I want to see her HERE. So many times, I’ve just stood silently, holding back tears of frustration, brokenness, bitterness, anger, sadness, sorrow……and I know God “gets” that. I’ve written for years about how He is big enough to handle that. If He’s big enough to give me breath, He’s certainly big enough to catch my tears….and even shed some with me.

I know she *still* loves to hear me sing. And even though I may not sound like Adele, Mariah, or Christina…….I sound like my Momma’s daughter. And that’s how I want to sound. Because that is who I am.

For today, for some reason, I’m ready to sing again.

In more ways than one.

I don’t know what that will look like. I don’t know if it will last even more than today. But I’m ready again. I’m not even sure why. For years now, my heart has been aching, yearning, crying, and mourning…for so many different reasons. And some of that will never change. But I am so overwhelmed with the desire to sing again that I feel as though when I do...I won’t be able to handle the words and the tunes that will escape my lips, and my broken heart.

“Hear my cry, O God; give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:1-2

Jesus, My Husband, My Daddy, Our Son

There are a few men in my life that I love and respect the most.....Jesus, my husband, my Daddy, and our son.

Why? They have always loved me. They have always encouraged me to be myself. They accept me. They never objectify me. They never try to "put me in my place". (And yes, I mention myself quite a bit here....because I can only speak for myself on this matter, on how the main guys in my life treat me.)

Allow me to be more specific.

Jesus welcomed women! He entered into humanity through a woman.
He loved, accepted, and (I believe) respected them, in an age when it was unacceptable to do so. Women were the ones who stuck by his side until the end. (I will NEVER forget when my husband pointed that out....it has been lodged in my heart since then, thanks Love!)

My Daddy loves his girls. He spent years working hard, alongside my Momma, to raise us as best as they could. He and my Momma always told us we could be whatever we wanted to be. Daddy always saw me as a beautiful girl, and encouraged me in my dreams...he still does.

My husband. He is a reminder everyday of God's love for me. He supports me, loves me, is loyal to me, and in doing all those things....he reminds me of my worth. In an age when it's very (disgustingly) common for men to use the Bible and religion to silence their wives, and to "make them submit"....my husband has decided to instead live out those handful of verses in Ephesians. He simply loves me, day in and day out, as Christ does His Bride. He lays down his life for me, and puts my own interests ahead of his own (and I try with all I am to do the exact same for him). Instead of finding very select Bible verses to tell me how I "ought to be behaving"....he just keeps on loving me. That speaks volumes to me.

Our son. He loves me day in, and day out...as only a son can do. We are raising him to celebrate the differences between girls and boys. We are raising him to honor every human. I cringe to think that society may STILL be oppressing women when he is older. I hope we instill a "pro-life" attitude within him....that EVERY life is sacred, beginning to end. No excuses.

So while some people choose to bicker back and forth about what women can and can't do, how we should behave, when we should speak or be silent, how we should dress, etc, etc..... I'm just going to let you keep fighting. You can have it. I won't try to change your minds. You've already got them made up, and I'm quite sure you won't listen to me.....I am merely a woman.

(A woman created in His image...just as you were.)

But while you're fighting, demanding, oppressing, and trying to define me....

I will simply keep doing the good things I love to do. While you continue to tear down, I'm just going to keep trying to build up. I will keep working, everyday, to answer your oppression with love and grace.

I will remember that Christ defines me. And as you keep fighting your battles....I will remember that the war has been won. I will remember Jesus, my husband, my Daddy, and our son.

They are the ones who remind me how valuable I am.

They remind me that there are still a few good men.

The Battles, The Cross, The Cost, The Irony.

People fought, and incessantly demanded their own way.
They believed they were the righteous ones.

They believed those who disagreed with their thoughts were unrighteous.

They wanted to stake their claim on power, to show their “rightness”.

They didn’t care to what end.

They didn’t care who got caught in the crossfires of their holy battles.

Love had no place in their ideologies, in their struggles for power.

There was no room for love while they were busy fighting the holy battles.

So they sacrificed love.

They sacrificed Him.

They killed Love, because they had to be certain their ways were right.

And in killing Love, they would know how right they were.

So He allowed it.

They let their own rightful thinking win out, they allowed themselves to be consumed with hatred and power, and they thought doing so would make them winners.

Still, He allowed it.

Not only did they sacrifice Love, but Love sacrificed itself.

And in doing so, Love was the message that ultimately won out.

The irony always astounds me…the irony that we think (still) today, that fighting and demanding, oppressing all who don’t think just like us, will usher in the Kingdom.

The battles....oh so many to name. Battles over religion, doctrine, gender, race, sexual preference, birth control, science, money, education, jobs…..the list of battles are endless….

As we sit back and see the battles. As we hear the hatred being said. As we view the oppression they cause. As we view the hearts broken all for a means to an end-- I hope each of us can look back, no matter our beliefs, and remember that in the end, we will absolutely consume one another if we choose to take part in the battles.

We can stand up and oppress all who disagree, picking up our Bibles and bashin’ heads, citing scripture after scripture of why we are so right….or we can love every person He created in His image, and take care of one another. Not only lavishly loving those who live out hatred, but loving those, bandaging those, helping to heal those who have wounds….who were caught amidst the battles of entitlement.

Even though it constantly happens, decade after decade, time after time, we can still choose to stand together in LOVE. We can join in the fight, and list all the reasons we need to be fighting, or we can choose love. Our lives, our words, our actions, our inactions will ultimately tell the tale of what we truly believe.

Take care, sweet humanity…me, you, every person we know….take care that we don’t choose to be consumed by hatred. It’s oh so easy, and oh so justifiable in the world we live in.

After all, He did mention those two “greatest” things we ought to follow….and I don’t remember fighting being mentioned.

Love is a powerful thing. Ultimately, it has already won…but there’s still that LARGE matter of it winning today, now, in the lives we have been given.

I hope we do our best to side with love, at every turn. Contrary to popular belief, our own ideas are NOT the end all of this life. Love echoes out, erasing the lines that have been drawn, embracing every sweet person who draws breath.

I hope we choose to live in a way that rings in beautifully with His echo that calls out to each of us.

For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, “YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.” But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another. *Galatians 5:13-15*

What Good Is It?

What good is love if it's
something we don't live?
What good is forgiveness if
It's something we don't give?

What good is abundance
If we will never share?
What good is honesty
If we're only putting on airs?

What good is integrity
If we hide our sin behind closed doors?
What good is compassion
If we don't give it anymore?

What good is friendship
If judgment and jealousy get in the way?
What good is encouragement
If it's something we never say?

What good is edification
When we're busy tearing others down?
What good is our faith
If we've buried it in the ground?

J.N.S. 08-26-09

Irony and the Waiting Place.

As I ponder the irony of this poem, I find myself thinking the exact same thoughts I wrote four years ago. I see the irony in how I keep adding to it. Waiting. Yearning. Longing. For a dream. Asking the same God for the same thing, only to sit back and wonder....when? It's oh so easy to tell somebody else to be patient when it's not yourself who is longing for something so dear. It's a whole other thing when it becomes you...thrown into a room of "wait".....praying the same prayer, awakening each morning to the same Waiting Place. Waiting. Crying. Yearning. Yet still, expectantly waiting. Hoping against hope. Hanging on for dear life, even though it seems impossible. As I wait, long, dream, hope, and wish....I share this again with you. I hope it can bring comfort, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt there are others in another kind of Waiting Place. From my heart to yours.


"The Waiting Place"

YOU KEEP TELLING ME NOT TO WORRY
I KEEP TRYING MY BEST TO TRUST,
NOT LETTING MY HEART BE TAKEN OVER
BY WANTING MATERIAL THINGS OUT OF LUST.

YOU KEEP SAYING YOU’LL DELIVER
THE NEEDY WHEN THEY CRY…
YET I’VE BEEN HERE WAITING…
AND EVERYDAY WONDERING “WHY?”.

I KNOW YOU ALWAYS KEEP YOUR WORD
I KNOW YOU WILL ANSWER ME
AND I ALSO KNOW ALL I CAN DO
IS SIT AND WAIT PATIENTLY.

I’VE PUT MY TRUST IN THINGS BEFORE,
IN OTHER PEOPLE, MYSELF, AND MY PLANS…
BUT THE LESSON I KEEP LEARNING
IS JUST TO LET YOU HOLD MY HAND.

“BUT LORD, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND-“
AT TIMES I’VE CRIED OUT TO YOU…
AS IF YOU DIDN’T, YOURSELF, CREATE ME-
AND MAKE ALL THINGS AND PEOPLE NEW!

“I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE-
I GIVE UP!” I’VE CRIED BEFORE.
BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT’S NOT
THE WAY I CAN BE ANYMORE.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I DON’T KNOW!
AND IT’S OKAY TO BE HERE NOW.
IT’S OKAY TO TRUST YOU HAPPILY,
AND NOT KNOW THE “WHY’S AND HOW’S”.

IT'S EVEN OKAY TO HOPE THOUGH SO MUCH
DESPAIR IS STILL LINGERING AROUND...
SOMETIMES YOU DO YOUR BEST WORK
WHEN MY HEART IS SO CLOSE TO THE GROUND.

EVEN THOUGH OTHERS MAY FAIL ME,
AND IT SEEMS LIKE YOU HAVE, TOO...
I'LL REMEMBER YOU SAID THAT ONE DAY
YOU WILL MAKE ALL THINGS NEW.

THOUGH THINGS AROUND MAY BE HOPELESS,
AND LONELINESS AND DEATH ABOUND HERE...
I'LL REMEMBER YOU SAID YOU COMFORT THOSE
WHO ARE MOURNING, AND I WILL NOT FEAR.

EVEN WHEN THE FUTURE SEEMS HOPELESS,
IT’S A GOOD THING TO TRUST IN YOU-
IT’S GOOD TO KNOW, LORD JESUS,
THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO.

SO I STAY HERE-IN THE WAITING PLACE.
I MAY BE HERE FOR YEARS OR DAYS.
BUT I WILL DO MY BEST TO FOLLOW YOU, JESUS
AND LET YOU TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.

*I WON'T LET GO, THOUGH IT HURTS.
THOUGH I KEEP CRYING OUT IN PAIN.
I WILL CLING TO THE DREAM YOU GAVE ME,
THROUGH THE MUCK, THE STORM, THE RAIN.

EVEN WHEN LIFE KEEPS SHOUTING, "NO!",
I WILL COME BACK WITH A TEAR-FILLED, "YES!"-
I WILL KEEP HANGING ONTO YOU AND ASKING,
THROUGH THE YEARNING, THE SORROW, THE STRESS.

AND AS DAYS MAY KEEP PASSING ME BY,
AND I WONDER IF I SHOULD LEAVE
THIS WAITING PLACE AND GIVE IT ALL UP,
I'LL CHOOSE TO LOOK AT YOU, AND STILL BELIEVE.


JESSICA SCHAFER-JULY 4, 2007
*new lines added in 2009*
*newer lines added January 28, 2012*

How do You Measure Your Worth?

Several years ago, when I was pursuing a different career, I unexpectedly (yes, I know how babies happen…but still, work with me here) became pregnant with our absolutely amazing, wonderful, bright, beautiful son. He was a HA-UGE surprise. He was so VERY much welcomed into our lives. I knew the second I was a Momma, I wanted to be a Work at Home Momma. (I say “work”, because the term “stay at home” seems to imply we do nothing but merely “stay” at home.) Anyhow, that’s what I did. That’s what I do. And I’m going to take this opportunity to speak out for other Mommas who do the same. Because quite honestly, I don’t hear many other people doing this. And brutally honestly, I think I need to hear it myself, as I’ve been wrestling with my own problems of feeling de-valued.

There have been countless articles, I’m sure you’ve seen them, that break down all the things a WAHM does. They’re always true, mentioning all we do, and then break it down into a paycheck, mentioning what a WAHM is TRULY worth. I will not post these articles. I will not give you a chart, breaking down all you do into financial terms. I have an ENORMOUS problem with this. Because for some reason, we have this bassackwards thought that to be “worth” something, we have to break it down financially…..much like we do to a pure-bred animal, placing a price tag above her cage. Get the point? Listen, folks, we’re not cattle. We’re not top of the line horses, being viewed by the highest bidder. We’re not up for auction.

Dear, sweet WAHM….. Your worth is NOT in a paycheck. (Neither is anybody else’s worth in what they make at their job(s)!!) If what we bring, or don’t bring, into our bank accounts is how we measure our value, then our faith is absolutely EMPTY. Jesus would’ve been an absolute FAILURE if we measured Him according to our standards of success in today’s world.

It’s so very often about language. I can’t even begin to count out the times I’ve been asked, usually after we’ve talked about what my husband does, “So, do you work?”….or, “So, what do you do, or do you just stay at home?”. Yes, I just stay at home. Yes, so many women I respect just stay at home. They sit there, on the couch. The entire workings of the home take care of themselves, schedules take care of themselves, husbands take care of themselves, children take care of themselves, things run smoothly on their own. We, however, just stay.
We WAHM’s knew the second we chose to do this, we wouldn’t get all the appreciation, pay raises, plaques, words of acknowledgment, etc. We knew we wouldn’t always be talked about. We knew we wouldn’t even have a lot of grown-up human interaction throughout our days. We knew what we were signing up for. However, we never, not ONCE signed up to be put down and demeaned. We never signed up to be ignored. We never signed up to be called “just a stay at home mom”.

If we truly want to talk about “girl power”…..let’s do it. Girl power doesn’t have to mean joining the corporate face of America. It doesn’t mean we have to hold countless degrees, sell books, teach lectures, become CEO’s, own businesses….etc. It doesn’t mean we have to join alongside every man we know and do what they do. (Many women do, and that is SO VERY good for them, they are doing what they love, and I absolutely support that!! And one day, I just may do that as well!) But for now, for me, THIS is what I’m doing. This is what I LOVE. This is what I talk about, think about, dream about, what I do day in, and day out. And many other women do the same. We wanted to do this, THIS IS OUR EMPOWERMENT. And it’s even better if your husband absolutely supports you in your dreams, just as you do in his!!! Girl Power.

So no, I don’t have a TV show. I don’t hold countless degrees. I don’t own a business. I don’t bring home six figures a year. I don’t sell books.
I work here, at home. I invest my time, my energy, my days, my very soul, into all I do here for my family….which in turn affects others around us. Hopefully for the good. (Just as many other women invest themselves in other things, which is absolutely great that they’re doing what they love, as well!!) This is what I chose to do. I guess this is my way, in my little corner of the world, standing on a chair, raising up my fist and shouting, “SOLIDARITY, SISTER!!!”. Just as we support our spouses, wholeheartedly….just as we support our friends who do the complete opposite of what we do….we, too, need support. We need encouragement. We need to be reminded that we are valuable. This is me, for what it’s worth, reminding you of that. You ARE valuable. And I won’t demean you by putting a price tag on all you do. Because I’ve been learning, just as my parents always told me, “Money isn’t everything…..sure it’s nice, but it’s not everything.” It’s not. There’s so much more to life. Keep doing what you love, WAHM’s!!! I notice you!! I acknowledge you!! Spread the word…….Girl Power!! (Which for me, by the way, means not only empowering girls, but guys as well….after all, I’m married to a great guy, and Momma to an amazing son.)


***Disclaimer, please don’t read what I’m NOT saying. I have had many other jobs while being a “work at home” Momma. Also, My Momma worked outside the home her whole life. Very obviously, she is my Hero. So please don’t see my writing as diminishing others….I’m not, in any way, shape, or form. I think we’re all on the same side!! One of my closest friends works outside her home. I’m just wanting to remind you sweet girls that you are valuable, just as each person is. Sometimes we need to hear it.

A Thankful Tension.

I can still remember the calmness inside when I was singing to my sweet little boy who had just turned three only weeks before. I remember knowing that He was going to take care of her, that she would be okay, that I’d be okay, that we’d all be okay. That He was here…among us. It was something I can’t describe in mere words. I’d prayed for that forever….I remember even releasing that deep breath (ever done that?) that just let go of the fear I had concerning Her. I knew He’d handle it. And not even minutes later, we got the phone call that would unleash a living hell that lasted day after day….even to now. I felt betrayed by Him. (I fully believe we belong to a God who has broad enough shoulders for ALL of our emotions, desires, feelings…etc.)

Fast forward to now, almost four years later. SO VERY much has happened to our family…..more than you’d care to read about. So many tears, so much heartache…doubt, fear, worry, even more grief, and sorrow. We’ve been hit with so many things from outward, it’s seemed like one long nightmare. (And I have many loved ones who have also gone through hell recently, how my heart aches for them…) And finally…again….a few weeks ago I had that comfort and peace, in knowing we were going to be okay. I felt hope again….it had come in tiny little waves, probably a handful of times over the past few years…but this time was different. I had that same inner peace, happiness…calmness that I’d had that night we got the most horrible phone call ever. I was ready to laugh again, to trust again, to stop being so afraid. And not even a day after that “sense of peace and closeness” from God…..it has been as though hell was unleashed again. Many things have been popping up…worries, doubts, fears, questions, frustrations, tears. And I found myself resenting this God again….the One who keeps stripping away at my soul. The One who has left me alone so many times…..I found myself shaking my fist at Him again. Really? Again? Now? More of the same nightmare? Why?? Why does my heart keep getting stripped away? Why are people I love having to hurt so much?

All those emotions welled up again….at Him. Some days, I am just so angry at Him. Some days, I wonder if He’ll show up…

And as horrible as that sounds, I’m SO THANKFUL for these things I feel. I’m thankful I CAN wrestle with Him. I’m thankful I can cry out AT Him, be frustrated with Him, question Him, doubt Him…….I’m thankful I can grab onto Him, and not let go until I get some peace, until I get some prayers answered.

I used to feel guilty for that. I used to think I was horrible for crying out to Him, because I’d been told “be grateful, thankful, shut up, get in line, other people have it worse, your problems aren’t that bad, get over losing your Momma, quit complaining…”blah, blah, blah. And true, some people do have “it worse”….but we can’t minimalize our own agony. We ALL have hurts. To ignore pain, to ignore ANY of our issues, with ourselves, or within our marriages, and to push things under the rugs of our lives will ONLY make everything worse….because all secrets will come back to haunt us if we don’t handle them. Don’t be naïve, whatever cheap remedy we think is “fixing” our issues that we’re keeping from all those around us won’t last….the only way through is THROUGH. Ya can’t go around reality.

Today, the one thing I know to be true is this; a God I can’t cry out to, or even complain to when life is so brutal, is NOT a God worth hanging onto.

If this God who loves us as much as we TRULY believe He does, if this God who created us in HIS very image really does care for us…….WHY would we EVER IN A MILLION YEARS believe that He’d want us to push our broken hearts aside and ignore our pain?? Why do we choose to make up our own false reasons about our hurt, or someone else’s hurt? Why do we create these false stories that shut up the oppressed, only to appease our false sense of “faith”?

That isn’t the Gospel.

The Gospel isn’t afraid to look at tears. The Gospel isn’t afraid to comfort somebody beaten up by life, by other people. The Gospel isn’t afraid to be around somebody who has a negative attitude, who is angry, who is hurt. The Gospel doesn’t cover up the truth, it drags it out into the light, exposing all that is dark. The Gospel doesn’t shut up the oppressed. When it does, it stops being the Gospel.
Isn’t that what it’s supposed to be for? The oppressed? And oppressed by what?
Sometimes, we become the oppressors of others in our silence, in our actions and inactions, in our hatred, in our judgments, in our “false stories” (thanks to my husband for these ideas) about others, and ourselves. We become our own “anti-Christs”…in more ways than we even care to learn about.

I think sometimes we mistake motivational speaking as the Gospel.
And it’s not.
The Gospel is summed up in one word; LOVE….in one man; JESUS.

I think we need to be careful with our false doctrines that we hold so dear. The Gospel is big enough to accept us all, and all of each of us.

All of our brokenness, all of our weakness, all of our hurt, despair, sorrow, grief, and tears.

Have we learned nothing of a Saviour born into poverty? A Saviour who went to the poor, the broken, the sad, the depressed, the sorrowful…….have we forgotten the Gospel Story that much?

Anyway…..I guess I am thankful, still, as I’ve mentioned in years past….for hurting. I hope for pain to stop, for myself, for my sweet loved one (you know who you are). I hope for the grief to end. Until then, I will be thankful that God is big enough to understand my hurt and become the “suffering servant” (thanks again, My Love) to each of our own hearts. He is big enough to handle the truth of your life, the things we keep away from others…pretending that all is well. What was it Emily Dickinson said?... “I like a look of agony, because I know it’s true…”

The Gospel is a true story….one of LOVE. Love takes on everyone, and love would never shut out the cry of any person who was oppressed by anything.

Be love for one another.

“And He said to him, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’…..” Matthew 22:37-39

And oh, by the way… I often wonder if this God gives me these very real, very calm, very peaceful and hopeful reminders of Him just before these horrible storms to let me know that no, it ISN’T okay….but that He is with me, even as I hang onto Him and keep wrestling with him, being persistent in asking Him to show up and answer my cries.

I am convinced that He will wait with me until He does.

Talk is Cheap.

“Maybe, sorta, kinda, if I really had to say
Something good is on its way…
And we’re gonna pull through, we’re gonna pull through.”
*Over the Rhine*


Life can offer so much heartache.

Through the times it has handed us grief, tears, frustration, loss, and sorrow, you have been the kind of husband who always offered hope, broad shoulders, and comfort. You have reminded me I wasn’t alone. You have carried my grief. You have shared in my sorrows. You’ve reminded me how much God loves me…and ironically, you’ve hardly used any words at all. You’ve simply loved me…….every single moment.

And because of the way you have loved me, I have been able to remember His love for me. Because of how you have acted, always out of love and never obligation…….I will forever be thankful. I only hope I am almost as wonderful to you as you always have been to me. I love you, Love. I don’t know why some things in life come so hard…but I’m so glad that loving you comes easy. I guess I just wanted to remind you of that.

Trapped in Time.

I sit here watching my sweet son work on his science lesson. He is reading about pandas. He starts telling me all sorts of facts about pandas and other animals. I notice something that I hadn’t ever thought of before. I’m listening to his little sweet voice, and just taking in the way he pronounces his words, the excitement in his voice. He just turned 7, (goodness….where does the time disappear to?) and I realize he won’t sound like this anymore. I began to think of the way his voice sounded last year, two years ago…..and even further, trying to remember the sound of it when he first started talking. It sends chills down my spine to think that I can’t exactly remember. Sure, I can watch a home video and hear that voice again, but it will still be somewhat distorted from being recorded. The time has passed. He won’t be sounding like that anymore. In a few short years, he will be speaking to me in a voice that is deeper, more mature. He will be turning into a young man sooner than I ever could’ve imagined. Try as I may, I can’t go back. Neither can I go forward. All I can do is be present, be here…in this time, in this moment.

Whatever life is handing you, whatever you are living out today, LIVE it. If it’s happiness, abundance, love, joy…..live those things. Laugh until you cry, take care of others in your abundance, love so fiercely that you feel as if your heart may explode, savor the joy. Yet in your happiness, remember those around you who are hurting, be there for them, encourage them, cry with them, help carry their burdens. If what you’re going through today is grief, drought, heartache, sadness…..live those things. Let yourself grieve, allow others to take care of you, let your heart literally ache, because often- that is what it takes to heal. Cry as much as you need to, and don’t feel guilty about it…there are times in life when all we can do is offer tears and grief, and that is perfectly acceptable. Allow others to carry your burdens with you.

Whatever we are living through today will pass…time is both a blessing and a curse.

Not everything we endure happens to teach us some grand lesson . When we are experiencing pain and loss, it doesn’t mean God may be trying “tell us something”. It just may be happening, and the best thing we can do is LIVE through it. The key word being LIVE.

Don’t ignore your tears, nor your laughter. LIVE them.

Tomorrow, he may sound different. I will always remember yesterday’s voice. But today, I can LIVE it with him. I can listen to him, love him, cry with and for him, learn from him, teach him, LIVE with him.

I think that pleases Him, for us to live…….whether we are living out tears or laughter…….He is with us. Either crying with us, or laughing with us. Either way, let’s LIVE each today for what it’s worth, because we can't escape the time that has us trapped.

“There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven…” Ecclesiastes 3:1

A Fake Smile, or an Honest Tear?

When did we start equating happiness, optimism, and distancing ourselves with those hurting as Godliness?? This is absolutely not Good News. We are to speak up for the oppressed and hurting ones, to be a voice for them when they don't have one. To often sacrifice a "good mood" for another person's tears. Shutting a person out of our lives simply because they are hurting, mourning, pessimistic, or heaven forbid, depressed, will not do a single thing to bring about the Kingdom. For the life of me I can't understand how we have confused turning our hearts from the hurting ones as love.

I remember reading that we are to "let all that we do be done in love". I remember reading stories of people hurting, crying out, and wailing for love, healing, and restoration. I remember reading that we are to "bear one another's burdens". I remember reading of a Saviour who wept. I remember Him accepting the oppressed.
If we have a problem with people hurting, and being honest and faithful enough to talk about their hurt, instead of pasting on a fake smile to appease the masses of christians around them.....then following a Man who was crucified may not be what we really want to do.

After all, what is more important? Him, His children? Or the ability to shut out the cries of the oppressed so we can always wear a smile on our faces...and never have to feel an honest, human, God- given emotion?

Whispering Love.

"For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.' But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another." Galatians 5:13-15

It is such a freeing thing to grasp the idea that His will for us is to love, always. Not a corruption of love, not a twisted love, but the love mentioned above. Love never tears down, it builds up. Love doesn't condemn, it embraces. Love doesn't insist upon a certain theology or doctrine. It doesn't demand it's own way.

As I look back at the days I've been given, something fascinates me about love. I've never, not once, experienced love shown to me by cold doctrines, shallow faith, or judgments cast upon me from those who "know better" than others. I've not once experienced His love when someone is shouting at me, "Do this, do that". I haven't seen love when someone shamed another in their hurting.

The times I have seen Him, love, have been when a friend is crying from a broken heart. When someone chose to comfort another, rather than judge them. When someone whispered hope to a broken heart, rather than condemning them.

I remember seeing Him when my closest friends cried with me after losing my Momma. I see love when I get a postcard reminding me I am being prayed for. I know real love when I think of Her. I see love when my husband teaches. I feel love when I'm with my whole family.

I don't remember ever seeing real love, the kind that is pure, selfless, compassionate, and faithful when someone was shouting from the rooftops that their way was the only true way. On the contrary....everytime I've experienced times like that, I've seen a distortion of love. And everytime I hope and pray that the real thing will win out, for His sake...for your sake...for our sake.

Because as absolutely true as it is that there ARE other wills at work on this earth.....His will, the one of LOVE is also at work. My hope for my son is for Him to always recognize what real love is, and choose to do it. Even when that choice seems unpopular, or goes against some system's set of beliefs. I hope he grows up to be a man who is loving, loyal, honorable, and who constantly whispers hope, peace, and comfort to those around him, even when the opposite is being shouted back at him. I hope he will be a man who helps the oppressed. I hope he can look back on his days and recognize love, when he's truly seen Him. I hope he knows how truly loved he is in a world that can be riddled with grief. In other words, I hope this sweet boy grows up to be just like his Daddy.