I John 3:18

All original content copyright Jessica Nicole Schafer, 2007-2016.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Momma-part two

This is the second part of what a dear friend asked me to do, which is write about my Momma, and my relationship with her. Thanks for reading.

One of the most bittersweet things to realize is that I still HAVE a relationship with her. Though she is now gone...the mother/daughter bond remains. Ahhhh...the circles we motherless daughters run in. Though she is here.....she is gone.....it's a neverending, heartbreaking circle in this life without them. Not to mention the fact that those sweet women who didn't have a great relationship with their mothers, or may not have even known their mothers....still yearn for that relationship. I could write about this for days. I'll save that for another time, though.

As I mentioned, the ties are still here. And the way she Mothered me still affects me every. single. day. It has made ALL TOO REAL to me the BIG job of being a Momma. It is an everlasting bond.

My Momma had a job outside of the home. She mentioned to me many times that though she DID enjoy working, she wished she could have stayed home with us. I think for me, that is why I have chosen to do what I do. I don't get a paycheck every two weeks. I'm not on salary. However....you couldn't pay me enough to stop doing what I do. So in an ironic way.....her working outside the home, which was what worked for my Momma and Daddy.....had a huge factor in my choosing what I do.

Another thing that has affected my whole family's life thanks to Momma was the way she encouraged me...as I've mentioned before. When we were pregnant with our sweet Babylove, I mentioned homeschooling. I was scared to talk about it with many people, because so many people have STRONG opinions. I talked to her about it, and the first thing she did was talk about how she knew I could do it if that's what we decided to do. Immediately I felt that familiar "you can do anything" feeling that she always instilled in me. I love thinking about that. I know our decision also affected several of our friends, giving them hope in homeschooling their children. To this day, our lil' boy is thriving in our little school. I really believe my Momma's encouragement has a huge part to play in giving me the hope of knowing our family can do this.

If I may, I'm going to back up a bit to when my amazing husband and I were dating. Momma and Daddy both instantly loved him...and my sister did, too. (He was called "Uncle Darryl" way before he was actually an Uncle.) :) Both Momma and Daddy encouraged our relationship, and thought VERY highly of Darryl. It really is a good feeling when one's parents love the person they're dating. It speaks volumes, actually. Parents always want what is best for their children....so it did my heart good. I never had a reason to call my Momma and complain to her about my husband....because he's never given me a reason to do so. Needless to say, losing her had a huge impact on Darryl. I can't speak for him, but I know part of the reason he's been able to carry my grief with me is due to the grief he, himself has carried.

Another thing about my Momma that my sister can agree with is the love she had for her grandchildren. I could write for days on that. She just thought the world of them. And Dylan was C R A Z Y about her. He would literally double over with laughter, squeezing his fists together whenever we got to see her, and say "It's NANA!!!!!!!"....and laugh like crazy after he said it. :) She had that affect on people....and I miss that.

There is an unspoken language for motherless daughters.....we are often very hard on ourselves, wondering if we're doing things "right". We are often lonely. We are often angry. The smallest thing can trigger our longing to have our Mommas back. When I see little ones Dylan's age out with their grandmas, when I hear a child say, "Nana!".....when Dylan tells me he misses her....it is the worst feeling ever. It is an ache that I would never wish on the cruelest person. I remember the look in Momma's eyes when she talked about my Grandma after she was gone. It was a look that I didn't understand until December 2007. Seeing my Momma miss her own Momma after she lost her helped me know it is okay to show how much I miss her. It is indeed a wound time will never heal, counseling will never fix, and no amount of tears will be able to cover. It is definitely a grief I know I will always carry. Until all is made new.

The one thing I've been thinking about so much over the past year is that I can't replace my Momma. As much as I'd love to find somebody to Mother me.....there is nobody else. Let me be clear....there are many who I know love me, and I know who they are! But there is not, nor will there ever be another Momma. She is gone for now. One day, I will get to have her back....and she will get to have us back.

Until then, I will learn to live with this HUGE VOID that can only be filled with her.

**Thank you again for asking me to write this. You know who you are.**


Rebecca said...

I love reading these posts about your momma. She is such a special lady to me.

I know you wrote about her from your point of view. Your personal relationship. But, I'd just like to add that not only did she love you - but she also loved your friends. She was an encourager. She was a lover of life - I mean, seriously - you and Judy laugh more than any other people I know! I love it.

Love you.

Gina said...

Girl, reading this helps me even though I have my mom I dont have a good relationship with her and I dont know why and I have tried so I finally left it in Gods hands.