I John 3:18

All original content copyright Jessica Nicole Schafer, 2007-2016.

Monday, December 13, 2010

She is Everywhere, Yet Nowhere.

There is a small, almost invisible, part of me that still hopes I can call my Momma, and she'll pick up the phone. That somewhere, somehow, she is reachable. I know reality, I know she is gone. I know I won't see her until the end. But that's just it.....I think I still have this almost non-existent feeling because it hurts too much to realize over and over again that she's not here. Some days, the pain of reality is too much. Everyday I wake up, and I remember. It's as if that first breath I take in the morning, when I realize I'm awake, is ruined immediately because I remember what the day will bring. And I remember what it won't bring. Her.

Sure, I've tried to even tell myself those things that other people have told me...that I have a wonderful family and wonderful friends who love me, and who are here for me. That is so very true....and it is a GOOD thing. Without precious loved ones by our side, who would we be?? But the ever present reality is that I still do NOT have her.

And I've tried to keep myself busy, as I've been told it will somehow "help"...or I've tried to focus on other people, so my mind won't be on my own hurt....which is ironic to me, because if I don't know how to deal with grief, how in the WORLD can I help others deal with their own by ignoring my pain? THIS is how I hope to help...by being brutally honest about the sting that death brings. It's not neat. It's not pretty. It hurts.

And so....life happens. Another milestone passes. I grow older. I attempt to celebrate another year. Without her. It's almost as if I'm chasing her memory, and I hate that. I hate calling her a memory, because she WAS. She is...

Some days, when the tears pour and I can't stop them, I just wish I could take a magic pill that helps me not hurt so much. I know no such pill exists....but there are some days that the pain cuts so deep, so fresh...and I wish I could shut off a magic switch--today is one of those days.

The other night we watched The Last Airbender with the Babylove. There was one part I can't get out of my head. The Last Airbender, a little boy named Aang, is pushing aside the grief of losing his loved ones so he can focus on battling the enemy. He wants to ignore his own pain so he can win against the ones who are heartlessly causing war.

But it won't work.

He is told that unless he lets himself fully grieve, and feel, he will NOT be able to win the battle. It is ONLY through grieving that he can help the people he's fighting for.

That is my hope. That somehow, somewhere, this very real pain that I carry around every. single. day. can give somebody the ability to be honest and real with their pain, whatever it is. Because let me just say this; I would much rather feel the empty sting of missing my Momma than have no feelings at all about her existence.

Without her and my Daddy, I wouldn't be here. My son wouldn't be here. My sister and her kids wouldn't be here. She is my Momma. And I miss her. And even three years later, I am grappling with her being gone. I will always want her, and miss her. Nobody can fill that emptiness. But I DO feel the emptiness, as well as others who love her.

I will be relishing in His words that I am blessed simply because I mourn. I will keep living, and keep hoping. And I will keep writing in the hopes that my pain and loss, which many of you dear people have felt in your own lives as well.....will help you grieve....or maybe help you be there for someone who needs you.

We were created to feel.
Think about that.
Think about the complete opposite of feeling, loving, mourning.....it's nowhere near how we were fashioned.
The opposite would be unemotional, unloving, unfeeling individuals who just went through the days never experiencing love.

That's chilling....because I can actually see how I could have ended up there, had I never dealt with reality.

We were created to love. With love comes grief.
It's something we can't ignore, and I believe with all my heart when we ignore our grief, or other's grief, we ignore Him.

Comforting one another is a very real way to spread the Good News.....

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