Exclusion

There has to be a better way
Than what we’re seeing now
There has to be a better route
Than letting hatred and exclusion abound.

We’re saying we’re pro-life, save
All the babies, keep them alive!
Yet we hate others with our very words…
Dehumanizing through our strife.

It’s as if we only want to treat
Life sacred while it’s in the womb…
But once someone is breathing
It’s okay to send them to a tomb.

Indeed, humanity is lovely…
From beginning to the end…
What if we treated each other with honour,
Just as we’re told to do by Him?!

We act like it’s okay to tear someone down
When they don’t agree with us…
Because people will come to know Him
The more we shout and scream and cuss!

The more we shout, the louder we’ll be!
What a great way to spread the love.
What a great way to let people know
Of a God that looks down from above.

As if He’s not here, he’s off in the distance
Unattached from us and looking down…
What if we lived as He said to live,
As if His Kingdom were all around?

Yet we still sit back and judge other’s actions-
As if its our duty to measure the heart.
But, when it’s us needing help--
We cry for forgiveness and grace from the start.

We like to say, “God is love!”
And that’s the business we’re in!
Yet we can’t even be faithful and love one another,
And even backstab ones we call “friends”.

Instead of being known as oppressors,
When will we stop the oppressing that’s being done?
When will we be known for the love
That’s supposed to bring others to the One?

When will we stop being busy
Gossiping about other people’s days…
And get down on our knees instead
Praying we can all understand His grace?

I long for a day when His church
Will be known for what they adore,
For showing love and grace-
Rather than the hatred many of us are known for.

I long for the day that we’ll be known
For embracing every person, and showing grace-
Instead of drawing lines in the Kingdom,
Whether it’s because of opinions or one’s race.

When can we sit back and realize that
His table is open to us all?
If He’s given someone breath, then they’re human…
Everyone’s invited to hear His call.

Jessica Nicole Schafer
04-28-10

Waiting.

This poem, which I wrote back in 2007...before the Great Sadness...has been on my mind so much lately. In life, we're often stuck in "wait". Sometimes we haven't done anything wrong to be here...we just have to wait. I've been here often. The most recent "waiting" period....well....let's just say I was ready last month to put it behind us. I'm holding out hope for something good....though I don't know the future. I'm holding out hope for some stability, and believe me, it hurts to wait this long. So, again, I share my heart with you. Hoping that maybe somewhere, someone can be encouraged by my own hurts, and the hope I've found in them.

"The Waiting Place"

YOU KEEP TELLING ME NOT TO WORRY
I KEEP TRYING MY BEST TO TRUST,
NOT LETTING MY HEART BE TAKEN OVER
BY WANTING MATERIAL THINGS OUT OF LUST.

YOU KEEP SAYING YOU’LL DELIVER
THE NEEDY WHEN THEY CRY…
YET I’VE BEEN HERE WAITING…
AND EVERYDAY WONDERING “WHY?”.

I KNOW YOU ALWAYS KEEP YOUR WORD
I KNOW YOU WILL ANSWER ME
AND I ALSO KNOW ALL I CAN DO
IS SIT AND WAIT PATIENTLY.

I’VE PUT MY TRUST IN THINGS BEFORE,
IN OTHER PEOPLE, MYSELF, AND MY PLANS…
BUT THE LESSON I KEEP LEARNING
IS JUST TO LET YOU HOLD MY HAND.

“BUT LORD, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND-“
AT TIMES I’VE CRIED OUT TO YOU…
AS IF YOU DIDN’T, YOURSELF, CREATE ME-
AND MAKE ALL THINGS AND PEOPLE NEW!

“I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE-
I GIVE UP!” I’VE CRIED BEFORE.
BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT’S NOT
THE WAY I CAN BE ANYMORE.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I DON’T KNOW!
AND IT’S OKAY TO BE HERE NOW.
IT’S OKAY TO TRUST YOU HAPPILY,
AND NOT KNOW THE “WHY’S AND HOW’S”.

IT'S EVEN OKAY TO HOPE THOUGH SO MUCH
DESPAIR IS STILL LINGERING AROUND...
SOMETIMES YOU DO YOUR BEST WORK
WHEN MY HEART IS SO CLOSE TO THE GROUND.

EVEN THOUGH OTHERS MAY FAIL ME,
AND IT SEEMS LIKE YOU HAVE, TOO...
I'LL REMEMBER YOU SAID THAT ONE DAY
YOU WILL MAKE ALL THINGS NEW.

THOUGH THINGS AROUND MAY BE HOPELESS,
AND LONELINESS AND DEATH ABOUND HERE...
I'LL REMEMBER YOU SAID YOU COMFORT THOSE
WHO ARE MOURNING, AND I WILL NOT FEAR.

EVEN WHEN THE FUTURE SEEMS HOPELESS,
IT’S A GOOD THING TO TRUST IN YOU-
IT’S GOOD TO KNOW, LORD JESUS,
THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO.

SO I STAY HERE-IN THE WAITING PLACE.
I MAY BE HERE FOR YEARS OR DAYS.
BUT I WILL DO MY BEST TO FOLLOW YOU, JESUS
AND LET YOU TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.


JESSICA SCHAFER-JULY 4, 2007
*new lines added in 2009*


“HOW LONG, O LORD? WILL YOU FORGET ME FOREVER? HOW LONG WILL YOU HIDE YOUR FACE FROM ME? HOW LONG SHALL I TAKE COUNSEL IN MY SOUL, HAVING SORROW IN MY HEART ALL THE DAY? HOW LONG WILL MY ENEMY BE EXALTED OVER ME? ……. BUT I HAVE TRUSTED IN YOUR LOVINGKINDESS; MY HEART SHALL REJOICE IN YOUR SALVATION. I WILL SING TO THE LORD, BECAUSE HE HAS DEALT BOUNTIFULLY WITH ME.” *THE PSALMS*

“THE MIND OF MAN PLANS HIS WAY, BUT THE LORD DIRECTS HIS STEPS.” *THE PROVERBS*


“REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS; AGAIN I WILL SAY, REJOICE! LET YOUR GENTLE SPIRIT BE KNOWN TO ALL MEN. THE LORD IS NEAR. BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING, BUT IN EVERYTHING BY PRAYER AND SUPPLICATION WITH THANKSGIVING LET YOUR REQUESTS BE MADE KNOWN TO GOD. AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH SURPASSES ALL COMPREHENSION, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS.” *PHILIPPIANS 4:4-7*

“FAITHFUL IS HE WHO CALLS YOU AND HE WILL ALSO BRING IT TO PASS.” *I THESSALONIANS 5:24*

I had a very. long. day.

Nothing major happened, just a lot of little things. The day didn't go as planned...bad attitudes throughout the house. All these little things just added up, piling up on my back, and reminding me of all the things I've already been worried about for the past several months.

And reminding me most of all that I miss my Momma.
I need her.
Tonight, I really wanted to talk to her.

I found myself driving and just crying harder than I've cried in a long time. I was asking question after question to God. And at one point I came back to that age old question, "Why did this have to happen to me?!?!?!?!". Of course, I already know that there is no answer to that question. But I, like many others, will keep asking it.

I'm reading a book called "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. I HIGHLY suggest it. It's brutally honest. In times like tonight, when I feel so utterly alone, books like this remind me that I am not alone.

Her absence is everywhere. When I want to call her to tell her something cute that Dylan did. When I want to call and ask her a question about when I was younger. When I talk to Daddy. When I see a lady having a nice day out with her grandchild. When Dylan asks to talk to Nana because he misses her. When I dream about her--only to wake up to reality. When Darryl calls his Mom. When I remember her laugh. When I hear friends talking about their Mothers babysitting for them.

As hard as that is to read....as hard as it is to write....trust me, it's much harder to feel all those feelings.

Being without her has changed me. And of course it would. It has made me see the great delicacy of life. It has made me know a side of God I never knew before. It has made me more vulnerable. It has made me love harder.

And on days like today, it reminds me that I'm still a little girl who sometimes just needs her Momma.

In His Image.

I'm sure many of us have been hurt by other’s words. The sad thing I’ve noticed is that most of the people I know, including myself, have been hurt in the biggest ways by those IN the Church, the ones who should “know better”.

Most people think we have to clean ourselves all up, look like we have it all together. (Which everyone knows that nobody has it “all together”…..why do we need to try to pretend?) We need to read our Bible 45 minutes a day, go to church when the doors are open, participate in Bible study, V.B.S., show charity to someone, (usually it isn’t even to help them, it’s to make ourselves feel better). And though most people would say, “I don’t just do those things, I have a REAL relationship with Jesus!”……my question is, do we???

Do we? Can we have a relationship with the One who IS love when we’re constantly ripping one another apart in hatred? Can we have a relationship with the One who associated Himself with the poor, when we hoard all of our money while our neighbor has no food? When He, Himself, mourned and cried, yet we shut our ears to those who are deeply grieved? Can we really know Him, who gave Himself for even His enemies, (which at one time we fell into that category) when we’re constantly saying how wrong others are, and hating those who disagree with us with our venemous words???

These are just questions I have.

Because if we are His followers, if we are His children, we are to exhibit love. At all turns. Even when that evil *insert political party* says something that we totally disagree with. Even then? Yes. Even when our so-called friends gossip about us constantly? Yes, still….show love. Even when *insert name here* has done nothing but be a jerk to me all the years I’ve known her? Yes…..love holds no wrongs. Now, does this mean we let people run over us and enable them to do these things to us? I think not. However, we are called to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. Evil has to be brought out into the light and called out for what it is, but I think sometimes we call PEOPLE out…..

…….and we forget that they, too, were created in His very image.

What would the world look like if we actually lived as we believed that? Each person, no matter their race, appearance, what’s in their bank account, their religion, their political party, the country they live in………..that they were created in His image??

What if we, as the Body of Christ, were so overflowing with His love, that all we ever did was show love to each person that draws breath? What if we decided that hatred has no place in the Believer’s life? What if we not only decided that, but actually LIVED like that?? What if we ever got to a point that we could look at the face of ANY living human being on this earth and see the face of Jesus…….

Maybe that is the defining factor of whether we have a “relationship” with Jesus.

Do we? Do you?

Because He created us to live on this place together.

He created us to be a light.

Some people would say we’ve turned into a black hole.

His hands and feet.

"You just need to get over it, you’ve mourned, I’ve mourned with you, and now it’s time for you to get over it.” (Ironically…..this person hadn’t “mourned” alongside me at all. If they had, I sure didn’t experience it.)

I was told these words twelve weeks, three months, after the unexpected and tragic loss of My Momma.

These words have stuck in my head because it makes me wonder if the person who told me this had been told the same crap at some point in the past. It was such a heartless thing to say….yet I hurt deeply for the person who said this to me. I care deeply for this person. And I hurt for who said this, because I know there are bigger things this individual needs to deal with.


I want to tell you something. You, who are broken. You, the grieving. You, the one hurting. There is nothing wrong with you!!! You are hurting and mourning and grieving because you feel the great emptiness that happens when someone you love no longer stands beside you.

There is a sick, ignorant stigma in our society that treats someone grieving as if they’re hooked on a drug. As if they can’t control themselves. There is this idea, though nobody talks about it, that one who is openly grieving has “issues” and they are having a “hard time” recovering. (Assuming that one is supposed to “recover”.) I have seen it so much in the past two years. The wrong assumption that most people have is that one has to “end” the grieving period.

I ask you, how does that look?

Can someone please tell me?

There is no “end” to the grief that accompanies the death of a loved one. It is an ongoing process. And I am so weary of seeing others, and myself treated like we need to be institutionalized because we are actually handling the hard things that life has thrown our way. This is not like being hooked on anything….a drug, pornography, etc. Grief is something that happens TO you, not something you chose to do to yourself.

I am not an expert on grief. But I do know, having been dealing with it for much longer than I’d ever dreamed of, that grief is more of a journey that lasts a lifetime rather than a period of time that can be boxed up, dealt with, and handled in a twelve-step program….which is how some people treat it.

You, the one grieving…..feel free to do so. Feel free to hurt, to question, to cry….to FEEL. Feel free to mourn the loss that is so apparent. Feel free to be sad. All the while remembering that this IS NOT the end and that in your grief, Christ offers you comfort. I believe He, Himself comforts us. And I also believe that if we, the church, are to be His hands and feet……we ought to be comforting one another, too.

I guess I just wanted to tell you, the one who’s been carrying this burden; You are not alone.

There are others. I am one of them. And if we were called to live this life in community (which I believe we are…) then part of that is carrying one another’s grief and hurt. Even when it is not convenient to us……..lest we forget that the Cross was not convenient for Christ. And we are called to be a mirror of Him to one another…….all the time….even when we don’t feel like putting up with someone else’s hurt.


"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." -Jesus-

A Blanket of Grief lined with comfort.

If you've ever lost someone close to you, you know the hurt that comes and goes throughout the rest of your life. Some days are harder than others, but the absence of that loved one is always there. And if you are a girl who lost your Mother at a young age.....it changes you in ways you'd never expect. One of my sweet friends, who is actually in her sixties, told me that when she lost her mother at a young age she found herself couting down the days until she was her mother's age when she passed away. I've found myself starting on that same path.

Of course, birthdays are tough to celebrate.....and especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. My Momma's birthday just passed at the beginning of this month. That day is always really rough on myself, and I'm sure my Daddy and sister. For some odd reason.....Valentine's day was a real tear jerker for me. (And I cried thinking of my Daddy having to go through this day without Momma.) Let me back up a bit.

We woke up Sunday morning and I was exhausted. I don't remember how late I was up the night before, but I just couldn't rest well. Given our family's predicament over the last several months, there are many nights that I don't rest well. But my husband was nudging me awake bright and early Sunday morning, Valentine's Day, saying "Get up! Happy Valentine's Day! We need to get ready to go to church". We've been attending a place that's about half an hour's drive, and we have to get up pretty early. I was not into this whole, "get up" thing that morning. I would've been perfectly content to rest a little bit. But I got up, quickly got ready, fed my lil' babylove and got him all dressed and ready to go.

After Sunday School, we walked down to the sanctuary, and sitting in front of me is a young girl, about my age. Beside her is what appears to be her Mother. Her mother keeps putting her arm around the young girl, lovingly. And I couldn't help but notice, they were directly in front of me. There's this part of me everytime I see a girl my age with her Mother that makes me want to scream, "WHY!!!!! Why do you get to have yours, but mine is gone!?!?!??!".....and I know that's normal. But quickly, that part of me was quieted by another part. I just wanted to go grab that young girl and tell her, "Hold on!!!!! Don't for a second take for granted that your Momma is right there with you, loving you and doting on you, treasure it!".....

There are days that are much harder, days when the tears just flow and as quickly as I wipe them, more are falling right behind. Valentine's Day was one of those for me.

Just after I noticed that girl and her mother, someone gets up and reads, Philippians 4:6-7 which reads,
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Those were the last words My Momma wrote in her journal.

The entire sermon was about these verses.

So needless to say, the tears were flowing. Times like this I can think, "God, WHY!!! Why torture me with these memories?!?!"....OR I can think, "THANK YOU, LORD!! Thank you for such sweet memories and reminders of My Momma.....it brings me such comfort to know You're there and You remember me, You remember my pain and You offer comfort and hope!!" I chose that second line of thinking.

To top this Sunday morning off, we sang a hymn that had these words,

"The Lord is never far away,
But, thro' all grief distressing,
An ever-present help and stay,
Our peace and joy and blessing;
As with a mother's tender hand
He leads His own, His chosen band:
To God all praise and glory!"

"Sing Praise to God Who Reigns Above" by Johann J. Schutz


Through the pain and tears, through my joy and fears, through my aches and memories....thank you, Lord. Thank you for reaching out to me in a time where the hurt cuts so deep I can do nothing but cry. Thank you for a husband who encourages me.

It's broken.

We can pretend it's not, but it is.
We can ignore the reality of the darkness that happens in our lives, or we can face it head on. I choose to face it.

Because if I don't, I'm pretty sure I could describe what would happen. I'd be like a shell of a person. I'd be unfeeling. I'd be unloving. I'd be unsympathetic. I would never want to hurt with you if you were hurting. I would never cry with you when you were crying. I would never simply be with you in your pain. Nor would I be with you in your joy. I would try to find all the easy answers for all the "why's"....and those easy answers would suffice.......for a little while.

I'm talking about this because the circles I run in have lots of people who like to gloss over reality and slap a big band-aid on the bad, hoping to cover it up....and that it will all go away and nobody will notice. That is never a good thing. What happens is things will get worse. And all things that are covered up have a way of finding their way out of the darkness.

Talking. I think that's a good place to start. Not just shallow talking, but talking about both the good and the bad. The Church in America is REALLY good about talking about the "good" things (because I think good is a relative term) but downright horrible when it comes to talking about tragedy. We are quick to blame either ourselves or someone else.....and we never really know what to do with tragedy when it happens to us. Much less the tragedy of others. We are often like Job's friends.....though someone we know is hurting beyond belief, for a very long time, we like to pass judgment on them and tell them all the reasons these horrible things are happening. (We need to be reminded of what God said to Job's friends at the end of that story!) We've become a society that says, "I don't believe in prosperity preaching, the belief that good happens to those doing good and bad happens to those who are doing bad".....but we LIVE exactly that way.

Words. Marriages begin with them. Wars start with them. Friendships begin with them. Relationships are shattered with them.

It is with our words we pray to God. And with those same words we tear down one another. It is with words that we whisper to our lovers. And with those same words that spouses whisper to mistresses. It is with words we talk about the sanctity of life, yet tear down lives everyday with the evil things we speak, and the slander we spread about one another. It's with our words we say we believe in the truth and love, yet we still spread lies and hatred. Words. They are important.

I've been told some pretty hateful things. And I'll be honest, they have hurt. The whole "sticks and stones" saying is NOT TRUE. Words hurt. They scar. They stick to us sometimes. And the Bible has plenty to say about our words. To me, if the Bible speaks so many times about the words we say.....I think we need to PAY ATTENTION. Instead of mentioning all the shallow, unloving things I've been told that have stuck with me (which would be a very long list...I'd be willing to bet your list would be long, too.....and by the way, there are many things I've said to others that I wish I could take bake....I speak to myself here, as well as others...) I am going to list a bajillion Scriptures written to us on what we say, and in what way we need to be saying these things. Let's be honest, the church needs some help in this area. In a world where the church is supposed to be a city on a hill, we're quickly becoming known as a village in a valley. I think one of the ways to start is with examining how we're living....and what we're saying to one another. I hope it is encouraging, because if you're anything like me....I need all the encouragement I can get. I believe we were meant to live this life in community.....and if that's so, we'd better start paying attention to what's going on outside our doors, to those in and out of the church, and to those who are hurting. We need to learn to be loving again, (both in words and action) and get rid of this judgmentalism that is associated with the church in America. Whether we like it or not, that is how many see the church today. We can sit and say all the reasons we think that is wrong, or we can stop arguing and start ACTIVELY living out the life of love we were called to by the One we say we follow. One good place to start is by examining our words.....and the hearts from which they come. I mean, words must mean a lot, right? God did create with His very words..............


*Psalm 19:14*
"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."

*Psalm 54:2*
"Hear my prayer, O God; give ear to the words of my mouth."

*Psalm 59:12*
"On account of the sin of their mouth and the words of their lips, let them even be caught in their pride, and on account of curses and lies which they utter."

*Psalm 78:1*
"Listen, O my people, to my instruction, incline your ears to the words of my mouth."

*Psalm 94:4*
"They pour forth words, they speak arrogantly; all who do wickedness vaunt themselves."

*Psalm 119:103*
"How sweet are Your words to my taste! Yes, sweeter than honey to my mouth."

*Psalm 119:147*
"I rise before dawn and cry for help; I wait for Your words."

*Proverbs 4:20*
"My son, give attention to my words, incline your ear to my sayings."

*Proverbs 4:24*
"Put away from you a deceitful mouth and put devious speech far from you."

*Proverbs 3:27-28*
"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. Do not say to your neighbor, 'Go, and come back, and tomorrow I wil give it,' when you have it with you."

*Proverbs 10:18-21*

*Proverbs 12:17-22*

*Proverbs 15:1-2*
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, but the mouth of fools spouts folly.

*Proverbs 16:24*
"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

*Proverbs 15:26*
"Evil plans are an abomination to the LORD, but pleasant words are pure."

*Proverbs 12:14*
"A man will be satisfied with good by the fruit of his words, and the deeds of a man's hands will return to him."

*Proverbs 17:4*
"An evildoer listens to wicked lips; a liar pays attention to a destructive tongue."

*Proverbs 17:27-18*
"He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is considered prudent."

*Proverbs 18:4*
"The words of a man's mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook."

*Proverbs 18:6-7*
"A fool's lips bring strife, and his mouth calls for blows. A fool's mouth is his ruin, and his lips are the snare of his soul."

*Proverbs 18:20-21*
"With the fruit of a man's mouth his stomach will be satisfied; he will be satisfied with the product of his lips. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit."

*Proverbs 20:15*
"There is gold, and an abundance of jewels; but the lips of knowledge are a more precious thing."

*Proverbs 20:19*
"He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip."

*Proverbs 21:23*
"He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards his soul from troubles."

*Proverbs 25:11*
"Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances."


*Zechariah 8:16*
"These are the things which you should do: speak the truth to one another; judge with truth and judgment for peace in your gates."

*Matthew 5:22*
"But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, 'You good-for-nothing' shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, 'You fool,' shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell."

*Matthew 7:24*
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock."

*Matthew 7:26*
"Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand."

*Matthew 12:35-37*
"The good man brings out of his good treasure what is good; and the evil man brings out of his evil treasure what is evil. But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned."

*Matthew 15:8-9*
"'This people honors ME with their lips, but their heart is far away from Me. But in vain do they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the precepts of men.' And Jesus called the crowd to Him, He said to them, 'Hear and understand. It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles the man but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man.'"

"Matthew 15:18-19*
"But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders."

*Matthew 24:35*
"Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away."

*Luke 6:31*
"Treat others the same way you want them to treat you."

"Luke 6:46*
"Why do you call Me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?"

"John 1:1*
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."

*John 1:14*
"And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory...."

*All of John*

*John 6:63*
"It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing; the words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life."

*John 14:24*
"He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine, but the Father's who sent Me."

*I Corinthians 16:14*
"Let all that you do be done in love."

"Ephesians 4:25*
"Therefore, laying aside falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE of you WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, for we are members of one another."

*Ephesians 4:29*
"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear."

*Ephesians 5:19*
"speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord;"

*Hebrews 4:12*
"For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart."

*James 1:19*
"This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;"

*James 3:5*
"So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things."

*Psalm 34:13*
"Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit."

*Psalm 15*

*Psalm 52:4*
"You love all words that devour, O deceitful tongue."

*Psalm 64:3*
"Who have sharpened their tongue like a sword. They aimed bitter speech as their arrow,"

*Proverbs 10:32*
"The lips of the righteous bring forth what is acceptable, but the mouth of the wicked what is perverted."

*Proverbs 12:18-19*
"There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Truthful lips will be established forever, but a lying tongue is only for a moment."

*Proverbs 31:26*
"She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."

*James 3:8-10*
"But no one can tame the tongue, it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way."

*I Peter 3:10*
"For, 'The ONE WHO DESIRES LIFE, TO LOVE AND SEE GOOD DAYS, MUST KEEP HIS TONGUE FROM EVIL AND HIS LIPS FROM SPEAKING DECEIT.'"

I am just so relieved right now, in this moment. It's not because anything other than the fact that a sweet friend called me today. She knows all of our circumstances. And you know what, she didn't say to me, "You need to get over it..." (which I was told to do regarding grieving the tragic loss of my Momma, a mere twelve weeks after it happened.....)......or, "You must be doing something wrong"......or, "Well, if you just trusted God more"....or, "Just stop complaining".....(and YES, if you know anything about what our family has been going through, those are REAL things that have been said to me.) I didn't hear any of that!!! You know what I heard?

It's okay.

It's okay to cry and question and even say a few curse words if I need to get it all out!!! She told me things I already knew.....but you know what?? I had forgotten so much of it. And you know why?? Because so many people had told me all of the things I mentioned above. She just, out of nowhere, said, "I hurt for you guys. So much. I can't imagine why you're going through this. You are not alone, and we are here to just listen to you. We are here to go through this with you, for the long haul." WOW. THAT is love. That is fellowship. That is encouragement. That is the love of God reaching down and wrapping His arms around me. In a world where Christianity has been dumbed down to prosperity preaching and empty doctrine.....THAT was what I have been needing for so long.

It was such a breath of fresh air.

I was reading Job last night. Again. It always comforts me. He pours his very soul out to his friends, and they immediately bash him. Wait a minute, they do sit with him. For seven days. Which seems like a good amount of time. But then, when things don't get better for Job, when things STAY horrible. They are gone. Because who has time for that? Who has time to mourn with someone? Right? They immediately have that "disconnect" from him. They immediately judge him. I have been there. I'm sure you have, too. I'm sure many of us have. If you have been going through a horrible time, if life has been just beating the crap out of you, I apologize on behalf of many Christians who have not been there with you. It's a different thing to be there "for someone"....and "with someone". And even as I write this, I think of all the poeple who are saying, "I can't believe she's bashing the church right now......what a bad thing to say". My answer is simple; there are real problems in the church. Don't believe me? Read your Bible. Nothing is new under the sun. The thing is, we need to address them, it's good to talk about the bad and try to fix it. It's a good thing to bring the dark things into the light and see them for what they are. When our children do things out of hate, do we simply pretend they didn't? Or do we not take them aside and talk with them about how love works?

The same here. I was comforted last night. I was comforted to read the words of Job, "So am I alloted months of vanity, and nights of trouble are appointed me. When I lie down I say, 'when shall I arise?' but the night continues, and I am continually tossing until dawn............My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle, and come to an end without hope." *Job 7:3-4 &6*

"...and come to an end without hope..." That is where I have been. I can't apologize for that. For too long I have tried to keep silent to "appease" those Christians out there who bash others for talking about the bad things in life. It's taboo to talk about the hard things in Christianity. And when we do, we're told such shallow, band-aid answers. I don't believe God wants that. I believe, with all my heart, that though God can reach down and change things for me, though He can make things better and I'm still waiting for Him to do something.......He STILL hears my cries. He still hurts with me. He still comforts me. I find comfort in my suffering.

If you're experiencing sorrow, hopelessness, despair. You are not alone. If you keep wondering, "Why does all the bad stuff keep happening?". You are not alone. If you keep looking for hope because you've run out of it, you are not alone. God is with you. And let me tell you, it helps so much to have someone who loves you be there with you. Let us not forget we were meant to go through life in community. We need one another. Even when it is tiring, taxing, emotionally draining, we're called to carry one another's burdens. Don't take the easy way out and turn your face from someone who needs you. That is not love. That is not from God.

"Lord, thank You. I hate the way things have been in my life for so long. It seems as though despair has been in my family since losing my Momma. Everything we've gone through in the past two years, You know it all. You, alone, know our hearts. You could easily change things. And yet You haven't. I don't know why. I admit that I have felt guilty, trying to find all the reasons I deserve all this bad. Thank you for reminding me not to try to find something that I'm doing wrong as a reason that You are "punishing" me. Thank you for sending this friend to remind me that following You sometimes gives no answers. There may be no reason for all the sorrow. Thank you for mine and Darryl's friends who have been there for us through all of this, who have been an ear for us. I have no idea when You will step in for my family. I don't know at all. But thank you for reminding me that You do feel what I'm feeling. Thank you for giving me this friend who is hurting with me. Please answer my cries, Lord. Amen."


"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him. Nevertheless I will argue my ways before Him." *Job 13:15*

"You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" -Psalm 56:8-


It's much easier to pretend things are good when they're not. It's much easier to ignore the reality of what's happening around rather than deal with the very hard things in life. I have never been one who's able to do that, though. I have to ask questions. I have to wonder. I have to talk about the hard things. I ask God those tough questions that I used to never think of asking Him. And you know what? He's okay with that!! He can handle my questions. He can handle my frustrations. He can handle my unbelief. He can handle my sorrows. He can handle my grief.

Today I am trying, as hard as I can, to remember that there is a rainbow somewhere. It is there. I can't see it, and I am not experiencing it. But I am holding onto that promise. There's no way to "pretty it up".....I've been going through pure hell the past two full years. And right now, it doesn't look like things are getting any better. But until they do....assuming they will.....I am holding onto God, and these precious people He's given me. I love Him. I love them. I love my God, even during the stormy seasons of life, when death seems to be all around and sorrow seems to have camped out for good.....I still love Him. Nothing can change that. And nothing can change the great love He has for me.

Another year.

I went back to that lonely place this year. I kept saying it was my first Christmas back since The Deep Sadness....and it pretty much was. We drove back to Oklahoma again after those horrible, horrible days in 2007, and we spent Christmas there in Altus with Darryl's family. I couldn't tell you one thing I got. I couldn't even tell you one thing anybody else opened from beneath that tree. So, to me....yes, it was my first Christmas back. I was alert this time. I was aware.

I went to the gravesite for the first time since then. It was difficult. I had a horrible feeling in my gut. However, it wasn't any harder than the previous two years have been without My Momma. Her absence has been loudly apparent. There were two things that really hit me hard, though. They got to me in such a deep way that I know I will never forget. First of all, seeing the words "Parents of Carmen and Jessica" on the tombstone made me fall apart on the inside. It doesn't make sense. It shouldn't be. My sister and I, standing there, looking at a slab of stone resting above our Momma. Oh, how I have felt robbed since that December. Not to mention seeing my Daddy's name on the other side. That was not comforting at all.

As I walked through that cemetery, seeing names of other loved ones in our family....I started reading dates. For many of the tombstones, there were a lot of years between those two dates. Many of the souls resting there had full lives. And as I glanced again at the dates on My Momma's tombstone, all those feelings of anger came back. WHY in the world was she not allowed many more years here with us? And what about those who don't even have as long as she had? So many questions. Not a soul on this earth will ever be able to answer them, though.

Grief lingers. The absence of our loved ones lingers. And it should. Because they were, no, ARE loved and missed.

I am thankful for the grief, as I've said before. In our grief, we remember the love. In grief, we are reminded of our neediness. In grief, we are reminded that we are not in control of this life. In grief, we are reminded of this wonderful breath we have in us, and that we never know the minute that breath will be taken.

Christmas morning we woke up at my in-laws home. Darryl looked at me, and he knew. He knew exactly what I was thinking before I even said it. I wouldn't be finding
My Momma under that tree. The only present I have wanted for so long now.

**********************************************************************************


The past two years has been filled with heartache for my family. There have been other things Darryl and I have had to live through, and I am ready to be done with this dark period in our lives. Every inch of me wants to scream as loudly as I can for some sunshine to come peeking through for us. God only knows the heartache we are carrying. Just as He knows the heartache every single one of us carries.

I wait. I hope. I refuse to be overtaken by bitterness. How easy it would be for anybody who's lived out these last 24 months to become a shell of a person. To lose their humanity, their faith. And many people do. It is such an easy thing to do to become hard-hearted. There are so many excuses for it.

But I can't. I simply can't. I see all the heartache. The grief. I see all the injustices. I see all the poverty. I have seen death. I have seen people treat my husband like dirt. I have seen hatred fill so many people's lives that it becomes who they are. I have seen marriages fall apart. I have seen fear all over my face in the first part of our pregnancy with Dylan after being rushed to the ER and told, "you'll just have to wait and see what happens......"....

But...................

I remember Christ. I remember My Momma's voice, her laugh, her hugs. I remember her grabbing my hand. I remember kissing my husband on our wedding day. I remember feeling Dylan move for the first time in the early part of our pregnancy. I remember holding him the day he was born. I remember his little voice calling for me for the first time. I remember the grief shared and the comfort given among my sister, my Daddy, and myself. I remember our close friends who have reached out to us through this. I remember laughing.

And as I remember all those things, I know that God is real. I know that He is not a fluffy white man in the clouds who will give me all the riches I want if I'll just name it and claim it. I know that He is a God who not only hands out sorrow, but comfort. I know that He is a God that not only causes tears sometimes, but cries alongside me when I do. I know He is a God who loves me. Even when I question His love for me, He still loves me. I know that. I know that through all these dark days. He loves me. Even though it doesn't look like it, and even though sorrow has camped out in our home.....He loves me. I can't deny that.

So with that said, here's to another year. One that I hope finds my family in happiness, comfort, fellowship, and answered prayers.

Not sure about the heartache
Or why things keep falling apart.
But I'm trying as hard as I can
To make some good things start.

I'm holding onto what is good
And living through all the bad...
It's times like this I remember
all the good things that I've had.

Life keeps spinning and handing
out things that devastate and destroy...
I'm clinging tight to my lover with
all I am, and our little boy.

I remember the good Lord teaching me
that tribulation will come my way-
But I think I've had all I can take,
I'm ready for something good to come today.

I'm holding on to the amazing marriage
God has blessed me with for so long.
I do not take that for granted,
In his arms I'll always belong.

I'm holding onto this precious blessing
wrapped up in my little boy.
The sunshine he gives me everyday
brings me nothing but pure joy.

I'm holding onto This Holy Spirit
whom I know will intercede....
In these darkest days and darkest nights,
of which I am in my greatest need.


December 30, 2009
J.N.S.

A Red Coat.

(This post was written on December 14th.)


Did I ever tell you about my red coat? I love it!!!!! It is so adorable. It is a long, wool coat that I wanted for many years. I finally saw the exact one I wanted, and got it two years ago at Christmas. It is beautiful. However, it's never been worn.

It was the last Christmas gift My Momma got for me. She had all of her Christmas shopping done early that year, (which NEVER happened,) and we knew it would be tough opening her gifts. My Daddy, sister, myself, our spouses, and all the grandchildren....we all knew we'd have to sit there together and open up the things she'd taken the time to get for us. Open them up, that is, without her there with us.

I'm not sure why I haven't worn it. I want to, I love it. But part of me doesn't want to chance "messing it up". I know my Momma would DEFINITELY want me to be wearing it!!!!! Hopefully I can sometime.....I just haven't worked up the nerve.


It is true that Christmas, birthdays, and most holidays are tough on families that are missing their loved ones. However, I have found that it's difficult year round. Some days are still much harder than others. Today at church a very sweet friend of mine took my hand in hers, and told me she would be thinking of me so much this week, because she knew the date was tomorrow. It took everything in me to make sure I didn't burst into tears. I NEEDED to hear that. I needed someone to tell me that. I'm not sure why.....but I did. C.S. Lewis said it best when he said something like "her absence is like a blanket.....it covers everything." If you have ever lost someone close to you, I'm sure that makes sense. Yes, certain places and certain times make you think a little more about them....but the great sadness will always loom, no matter the day. I still go to my phone to call her when amazing things happen. I still try to dial her up when things are just going horribly, because she always listened to me and said, "It will all be okay...". Today, especially, I'd give anything to hear her say that.

And still, though I know I can't hear her say it.....I CAN still hear her saying it...

"It will all be okay." One day, it will, indeed.



"For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus." -I Thessalonians 4:14-

Momma, you have no idea how much you are missed.

Blessings?

I’ve been thinking so much about the holidays this year. For many reasons. One of the most obvious being that the holidays are always tough when they’re celebrated without our loved ones.
Another reason I’ve been thinking about Thanksgiving is because of our culture. I’ve been raised (as I’m sure most of you have been, also) to see blessings from God as good paying jobs, owning big homes, having three or four vehicles, having 3.5 children, and being healthy. I have been raised with the idea that if those things are NOT happening, then “blessings” from Him are NOT happening.
Think about that for a minute.

As I piddled around online during the past week, almost everybody was thanking God for their blessings…..and everytime, it was for the things listed above. And rightly so, these things ARE blessings. But what about when God does NOT give these things?
What about when life is not filled with happy days? What about lives that are filled with sorrow? What about lives that are filled with people hating you? What happens when things “fall apart”? By fall apart, I mean when we do NOT have a good paying job, do NOT own a nice, big home, do NOT own several vehicles, have no family, and our health is failing? What about loneliness? What about death? What about despair? What about those things??

We shouldn’t be surprised. As a wise man has reminded me time and time again….”If we claim to be followers of Christ, we shouldn’t be surprised when His story is lived out in our lives.” (One guess as to the wise man I’m referring to.) And His story is NOT filled with money, material things, children, etc. It is quite the opposite. It is filled with persecution, poverty, and towards the end He is put to death by the very ones who said they knew Him. (Thankfully, that is not how the story ends.)

We simply cannot see ONLY these things as blessings from God. Because eventually, that thinking falls apart. It falls apart when God stops being a magic genie who gives you everything you want. It falls apart when jobs are lots. It falls apart when women have miscarriages. It falls apart when a family loses their home because they were laid off and can’t pay their mortgage anymore. It falls apart when a spouse is loving and faithful only to find that they were cheated on by their mate. It falls apart when someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, and you have to sit back and watch that cancer take it’s toll on someone you love dearly. It falls apart when you step out of this country!!!!! Because Christians living TODAY in many other countries do not have the things that most American Christians see as “blessings”. They don’t. There’s no way around that. And yet, I’d be quite sure to say that those Christians living there, who have no running water, who have no home, let alone a vehicle….who watch their children die sometimes, due to hunger……they still somehow consider themselves blessed SIMPLY BECAUSE they know God.

What is a blessing? Who defines it? Does our culture? Do we? You? Me?

I was talking to a dear friend the other day. I was telling her my frustrations as of late, and I LOVED having her listen. She is a wise woman. She said something that Darryl had actually said to me before. I was telling her how I’m tired of hearing “things will be okay”….and nothing happening. She said, “When people say those things, it’s never to comfort you, they say it to comfort themselves”. I think she and Darryl are so right on this one. Often-with good intentions- we tell people in their distress, “It will be okay……It will work out……..Things will work out…..I’ll pray for you”…..etc. We’ve all said those things at one point. And of course, there is something to be said for encouraging one another. But I’m wondering if sometimes people say these things in the midst of tragedy because the tragedy itself is too hard to face…….speaking these words to someone who is going through living hell brings comfort to the one speaking because it’s just too hard to figure out.
Because if someone we love is unjustly suffering, then where is God? If someone we love is living in poverty, why isn’t God doing something? If someone we love is facing a terminal illness, why isn’t God healing them? If someone we love is doing everything they can and NOTHING good is happening, WHERE IS GOD???? This same friend told me that MANY times through the past year, when her family has been going through a terminal illness, financial troubles because of it, heartache, sorrow, etc…..she has been asked by Christians, “Well, what are you learning through this?”. WHAT THE HECK!?!?!?!? And yes, as most of you have guessed, the times she’s been asked this, it’s been from a very condescending point of view.

I believe sometimes tragedy happens not to teach the one who’s hurting a lesson, but to teach the Church, as a whole, a lesson. Asking my friend that question would be like asking a toddler who has the flu, “Well, what have you learned from this experience?”. DUH…….That having the flu sucks, and I don’t want to have it!!!!!

(A little side story: Last year when Darryl's sister was dealing with a VERY tragic experience, Darryl said something that has stuck with me. The first time we got to see her, his parents were there, beside her in the hospital bed. She was laying there, unable to move anything at all. There were so many unanswered questions. There was so much hurt, anger, worry, grief, fear, sorrow. When asked "where is Jesus in all this?"....Darryl answered, "He's there, lying in the bed." I will never forget that.
By the way, his sister is doing MUCH better. She has a family that bent over backwards helping her. That is encouraging. )

I do not have the answers, of course. But I do know two things, following Him will not always be rainbows and sunshine. And ignoring the reality of sorrow, grief, and suffering in our lives, or those we know, will never turn out good.

As we sit here in America this year. As we spend Thanksgiving thanking God for our jobs, money, homes, families, health. And then as we go and spend hundreds-some people thousands- on Christmas presents that will probably be obsolete in a year or two…..I wonder if we’ve got it “right”. I wonder if it is pleasing to Him for us to thank Him when we have all we want, and shake our fists at Him when we don’t. I wonder if He is pleased when we sit idly by while those we know suffer. I wonder if He is pleased when we contribute to this beast that we’ve created when it comes to consumerism and Christmas.

I wonder. I don’t have answers…..these are things I’m trying to get a handle on, myself.

I spent last week thanking God for grief, as you probably read in my last post. Yes, I thanked Him for what I have. But one of the most sobering things I had to do this year, because I had NO CHOICE, was to thank Him for what I don’t have. Because I have been reminded that I need Him. Even in my lack of many things…..still I need only Him. Whether He gives me all those things my heart desires….I need Him. We need Him. Even when He is choosing not to “bless” us according to what the church in America thinks. We still need Him.

I guess what I’m trying to convey can be summed up in the following words, words that turn our thinking upside down…..words that my loving husband often reminds me of. As you experience the holidays, I hope you remember these life-changing words:

“And turning His gaze toward His disciples, He began to say, ‘Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh. Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and insult you, and scorn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man. Be glad in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven. For in the same way their fathers used to treat the prophets. But woe to you who are rich, for you are receiving your comfort in full. Woe to you who are well-fed now, for you shall be hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you shall mourn and weep.’” Luke 6:20-25