I DON’T KNOW WHY I HAVEN’T HEARD OTHER PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THIS OPENLY. IT ACHES MY ALREADY BURDENED AND BROKEN HEART TO TRY TO GO THROUGH THIS ALONE, WHEN I KNOW OTHERS HAVE BEEN HERE. WHY AREN’T PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THIS? AND CHRISTIANS ARE THE WORST. WE LOVE TO PRETEND EVERYTHING’S SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS (I DO THIS MYSELF) WHEN WE KNOW IT’S NOT. THIS IS PAINFUL. THIS IS PURE HELL. WHY HAVE CHRISTIANS COME UP WITH FAKE ANSWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS? I KNOW MY BLOG LATELY HASN’T BEEN TOO “UPLIFTING”. BUT HOW COULD IT BE? I COULD PRETEND THAT I AM FINE, THAT LIFE IS GOOD, THAT EVERYTHING IS JUST PEACHES AND ROSES. THE FACT IS THAT IT’S NOT. I WILL NOT SKATE OVER THAT, IN HOPES OF NOT DEALING WITH IT AND FACING A DEAD END…ONLY TO FACE AGAIN WHAT I NEED TO FACE NOW.
“…THE SONS OF GOD CAME TO PRESENT THEMSELVES BEFORE THE LORD, AND SATAN ALSO CAME AMONG THEM……THE LORD SAID TO SATAN, ‘HAVE YOU CONSIDERED MY SERVANT JOB?’……THEN SATAN ANSWERED THE LORD, ‘DOES JOB FEAR GOD FOR NOTHING? HAVE YOU NOT MADE A HEDGE ABOUT HIM AND HIS HOUSE AND ALL THAT HE HAS, ON EVERY SIDE? …BUT PUT FORTH YOUR HAND NOW AND TOUCH ALL THAT HE HAS; HE WILL SURELY CURSE YOU TO YOUR FACE.’. …….THEN THE LORD SAID TO SATAN, ‘BEHOLD, ALL THAT HE HAS IS IN YOUR POWER, ONLY DO NOT PUT FORTH YOUR HAND ON HIM.’ SO SATAN DEPARTED FROM THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD.” JOB CHAPTER ONE (PIECES LEFT OUR FOR THE SAKE OF TIME, I’D ENCOURAGE YOU TO READ THE WHOLE CHAPTER.)
I DON’T KNOW IF I’M JUST A WEIRDO OR WHAT, BUT THIS WHOLE THING IS HARD. ALL OF IT. MISSING HER, LOVING HER, WANTING TO TALK TO HER…IT SUCKS. BUT EVEN MORESO IS THAT I KEEP HEARING PEOPLE SAY TO ME TO TRUST GOD, TO GIVE HIM MY WORRIES, HE KNOWS HOW HARD THIS IS. INDEED, I AM TO TRUST HIM, HE DOES TELL US TO CAST OUR CARES UPON HIM, AND HE KNOWS HOW TOUGH THIS IS. BUT THE HARDEST PART THROUGH ALL OF THIS IS TRUSTING HIM. I MEAN, HE IS THE ONE WHO ALLOWED THIS HORRIBLE THING. I WOULD NEVER EVEN TYPE ON A BLOG WHAT WE HAVE ENDURED SINCE DECEMBER 4TH. IT HAS BEEN HORRIBLE, A GROSS THING TO HAVE TO SEE AND LIVE THROUGH. AND GOD KNOWS THAT, HE KNOWS…YET HE CHOSE NOT TO STOP IT. THAT’S THE WRENCH IN THE GEARS. I, WE, AS CHRISTIANS, HAVE TO RECONCILE THIS. WE CANNOT GO BLINDLY ON, PRETENDING THAT THIS IS NOT TRUE. YES, GOD IS LOVING, CARING, GRACE-GIVING, MERCIFUL, THE GREAT REDEEMER…YET, HE IS THE ONE WHO ALLOWS WHAT WE ENDURE IN THIS LIFE…HE IS ALSO A GOD OF SORROWS. I HAVE YET TO FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TALK ABOUT THIS WITH ME. THAT’S WHAT IS MAKING THIS ALL EVEN LONELIER THAN IT ALREADY IS.
YES, I LOVE MY GOD, YES, I WILL ALWAYS SERVE HIM. AM I MAD AT HIM? YES! DUH, I THINK IF I WEREN’T, I WOULDN’T HAVE A HEART. DO I FEEL BETRAYED BY HIM? YES. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, HE IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BIGGER THAN MY FEELINGS OF HURT, BETRAYAL, AND ANGER. HE IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN THESE EMOTIONS THAT HE PLACED INSIDE OF ME. HE IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN THE FACT THAT I STRUGGLE WITH TRUSTING HIM AGAIN. THAT IS WHY I SERVE HIM. HE CAN HANDLE ALL I DISH OUT. I WOULD NEVER TURN MY BACK ON A GOD THAT BIG. HE HAS MY MOMMA, HE HAS ME, MY FATHER, MY SISTER, MY HUSBAND, MY SON. HE HAS US ALL. AND HE HAS YOU. DON’T BE AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT THE FEELINGS AND REALITY THAT YOU DEAL WITH. HE KNOWS OUR HEARTS, ANYWAY. AND HE NOT ONLY KNOWS, HE CAUSED A LOT OF THEM. WE MUST RECONCILE THIS IF WE CHOOSE TO FOLLOW HIM AT ALL COSTS.
P.S. IF YOU HAVEN'T LISTENED TO "OVER THE RHINE", I'D ENCOURAGE YOU TO! THEY'RE AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL. I'VE NEVER BEEN SO MOVED AND COMFORTED BY MUSIC THAN NOW-THROUGH THEM. THE FOLLOWING IS SOME OF THEIR LYRICS...
'SNOW ANGEL'
"SNOW ANGEL, SNOW ANGEL, SOMEDAY I'M GONNA FLY
THIS COLD AND BROKEN HEART OF MINE WILL ONE DAY WAVE GOODBYE
GOODBYE TO THIS CRUEL WICKED WORLD AND ALL THE TEARS I'VE CRIED
SNOW ANGEL, SNOW ANGEL, I'LL MEET YOU IN THE SKY"
'POUGHKEEPSIE'
"There are those who know sorrow
And those who must borrow
And those whose lot in life is sweet.
Well I'm drunk on self-pity,
Scorned all that's been given me,
I would drink from a bottle labeled Sure Defeat.
I'd ride on the backs of the angels tonight.
I'd take to the sky with all my might.
No more drowning in my sorrow,
No more drowning in my fright,
I'd just ride on the backs of the angels tonight"
'HAPPY TO BE SO'
Anything I say will be held against me,
So I won't say much or I'll spill it all.
By the light of day it's an elusive feeling,
But every single night that's immaterial.
I know a love that will not let me go.
My heart is bound and happy to be so.
It's so happy to be so,
Happy to be so,Happy, happy, happy to be so.
If I try to pray, it's like a game of red rover.
I take a real good run at it,
but I can't break through.
Don't matter anyway. I'm so redhanded.
The game is over. I'll just tell the truth.
I know a love that will not let me go.
My heart is bound and gagged and on death row.
It's so happy to be so,Happy to be so,
Happy, happy, happy to be so. Ooh
(ABOVE TAKEN FROM "LYRICS.CHRISTIANSUNITE.COM")
Monday, January 14, 2008
A PRETTY LONG ONE.
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4 comments:
I am here to talk about anything you need. The tough stuff doesn't bother me, though I can't promise to have many answers. Believe me, I've walked this walk before. Email me, k?
When he lost his son, Nicholas Wolterstoff wrote,
"There is a whole in the world now... A center, like no other, of memory and hope and knowledge and affection which once inhabited this earth is gone. Only a gap remains. A perspective in this world unique in this world which once moved about in this world has been rubbed out.. There's nobody who saw just what he saw, knows what he knew, remembers what he remembered, loves what he loved....Questions I have can never now get answers. The world is emptier.."
I need to call you. I know. I do!
When my mema passed away (which was so difficult!) I remember Frances Honaker saying "it never gets easier, you just learn how to deal with it better". It's been a little over 9 years and I still tear up when I think about her a lot! I love you and I'm so sorry you're hurting. You can call me ANY time!
At first, I thought, "How could I, who has never lost a parent, dare say anything to you about this?" I suppose that is why I have been silent. I still don't pretend to have any remedy, and you are not asking for one. I also have a tendency to say exactly the wrong thing at times like this. Maybe I should still be silent, but I want to offer this from the heart.
All I can say is that I wrestle with these same things every single day. You're in the ministry, so you know what it is like. You get your fill of seeing wives and mothers dying, leaving behind a spouse and children; car wrecks, strokes, cancer, accidents, etc. etc.
Instead of wrestling with the why (which I guess I gave up on awhile ago...) I will wrestle with the why are Christians often so inept when they are in these situations (by that I mean, why do they not know how to help each other mourn)?
Somewhere, some time ago, it was decided that we are to be "Happy all the day" as the hymn relates. That somehow, being a Christian means that we are supposed to dance around like Smurfs singing Avalon and Jump 5 songs. Well, you know, when my wife lost two babies and then her mother died in my arms, while my family was on EBT Food vouchers, and I had a bully for a boss, God and I had some shouting matches... well, I shouted and he patiently listened with his finger on the "smite" key(?). But like you (at least if I read your post correctly) I think what I wrestled with the most was the way that people kept trying to make me feel better and with very few expect ions, kept screwing it up and making me feel worse.
I remember a few times when it was all I could do not to bite my tongue clean off. People just pissed me off. They acted like I was supposed to be "over it" by now , or that I should have more trust in God etc. My trust did not break, but it surely was bent. For years, I suppose even no sometimes, I am afraid that if I do something wrong, that GOd is going to kill someone in my family. That if I am a bad minister, that GOd is not going to protect me and my love ones, etc. etc.
Some of my more charismatic friends were the worst. They implied that I could not "claim" the circumstances I was in. That I could not accept the death and despair that was right before me. They had good intentions, but all too often it made things worse.
Christians are not taught how to "deal" with people that are in the valley. They want us to feel better . Sometimes because us being down is a downer to them. Sometimes because our grief causes them to think about their grief (we have a friend wrestling with that right now. She just won a fight with cancer, a friend has it, and she is having to fight herself hard to be there for her friend because it "brings it all up again" for her...) But I think that many times they are just ignorant of how to really help. Revolutionary things like listening, identifying (this really sucks...), listening, praying, and did I mention listening?
I don;t know if this will be of any encouragement to you, but I'm going to post on my blog an article that I wrote shortly after Vicki's mom died. I have to say that I held back a great deal of anger when I wrote it, but I think that you will identify somewhat with what I felt. Maybe it will be profitable for you, maybe not. I hope it is.
Jessica, this sucks, and I am really sorry that this happened. Without question it is clear to me that you are hurting more right now that you ever have in your life. It is my prayer that you would be strengthened and sustained by the Lord in your time of sorrow. Drink deep of it, for there is a time for everything.
Grace and Peace,
JP
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