I John 3:18

All original content copyright Jessica Nicole Schafer, 2007-2016.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Breathe Again.

In a couple of moons, I will be turning thirty. 30.
My life is nothing that I thought it would be at this age. It's a milestone, yes. For me, it's so much more than that.
It has opened up some fresh wounds and heavy sorrows that I've been carrying around for many months now.

In so many ways, I still feel like a little girl. And yes, I'm sure to many people, including my Daddy and sister, I still am. ;)

I still crave hearing my Momma tell me what a great job I'm doing being me....I know nothing will ever replace hearing her tell me she's proud of who I am.

When The Deep Sadness happened, I was still a new mother. My lil' Babylove had just turned three years old. I was still learning so much....had so many questions about Motherhood, and still do. HOW I needed her....and still do.

I think if maybe all the hellish circumstances my husband and I had faced in the past two years had happened at a different time, I would have been much stronger. But that, which I'd never wish on any person, coupled with losing Her, has just left me unbearably heartbroken.

So here I go, I've been holding my breath for quite sometime now. I've been carrying around sorrows that have happened to my family regarding my Momma, people who've hurt us deeply, and effected our very livelihood...and so much more that I won't bore you with.


So, Hello thirty.

I hope that you will be kind to me. I hope I can keep hoping...because this despair that's been upon my family and beyond our control has taken a lot of light out of my eyes. I hope that you bring new life, in more ways than one.

I hope, that for once in a long time, God will reach down, pull me out of this murky, lifeless water....wrap His arms around my family and myself, and let me breathe again.

Happy 30, me.
I hope you're proud of me, Momma. Actually, I know that you are.....it just hurts not being able to hear it.


Rebecca said...

Your momma is proud of you - she always was and will be! I've never met a mom more proud of her kids.

I'm hoping and praying for hope for you guys too. Here's to 30!

jesnicole said...

Benecca, THANK YOU. Really, I needed that. I love you, and I REALLY hope I get to see y'all sometime soon. Love you so much!!! :)