I John 3:18

All original content copyright Jessica Nicole Schafer, 2007-2016.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I'm Trying.

My Momma's untimely, unexpected, tragic death.

Loved ones ripping my husband apart....and causing more damage than they'll ever know.

Countless friends enduring pain in their marriages.

Heard "no" too many times over the past two years to even count. Whether it be from people, or from God....the "no's" have been winning.

Watching loved ones struggle through various trials.

Being hurt deeply by those I called "friend".

Still looking for a place to belong.

One may say, looking over the past couple of years that I'm strong. That I've "hung in there, endured, kept the faith".....I beg to differ.

The truth is, I'm weak.

I can't do this alone.

If it weren't for my amazing husband, son, sister, Daddy, and amazing friends who've been by my side through the past "desert season" I've been in....I'm not quite sure I'd still be standing.

And Him. Of course. I have gone 'round and 'round with Him for so long....I have asked question after question. I have yelled at Him, cried desperately to Him, brought the pieces of my broken heart to Him time after time over the past thirty months.

And I know He's okay with that. He loves me...oh how He loves me.

But I have to admit...I get scared to death when I think about some things.

And here's the kicker; I don't get scared because of what MIGHT happen.......I get scared because of what has ALREADY HAPPENED.

Yeah, go figure.

One would think that after going through Hell in more ways than one, due to circumstances beyond our control, and finally being in (what looks like) the other side, that now I'd be oh so full of hope, happiness, joy.

I'm not. I can't explain it. I think it's because starting from December 4th, 2007...SO MANY of my worst fears have happened. Those close to our family know what I'm speaking of. And every. single. time I've thought good news was headed our way...we've been handed even worse news. It seems like the only light at the end of the tunnel has been a dream...one that won't be coming true.

Today, I'm just at a loss. Yes, I have faith....of course. I recognize the fact that faith is more than just "I believe"....it's "I will keep pushing through the murky, lifeless water in spite of it drowning me"....I know that. I now recognize that faith is so much more than what we think it is. It has taken my husband and other loved ones to remind me of that.

There is potential good news on our horizon. So many good things could happen, and very soon.

But still, I have been finding it hard to hope....can you blame me?? Everytime I've held out hope recently, it's been for naught.

I am trying, Lord help me, I am. I am trying to believe that He will be bringing my family to a place of healing, restoration, new life, and answered prayers.

Until then, I will still be holding my breath.

I saw this the other day, and it's stuck with me. For me, it's HUGE. Because if you've EVER been in a prolonged place of heartache, sorrow, grief.......simply getting out of bed in the morning takes every piece of strength one can muster. Simply moving on through the days is a triumph...when one could so easily shut down...

I am proud of that. I am proud of myself for getting through all of this. I just hope with all of myself that I won't have to be "getting through this" much longer.

And you, thanks for reading. Writing brings such healing to me. Maybe it's "getting it all out".....or maybe it's knowing there are people out there who care. Either way, thank you.

There will be a HUGE sign posted in our new home one day that reads:

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. Psalm 126:5-6"


Until then, I will still be trying to keep hope.

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

Oh, friend. My heart breaks for you. I love you and I hate to see your hurting. I'm ready for a new season of life for you. Love you much.