I John 3:18

All original content copyright Jessica Nicole Schafer, 2007-2016.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

A Space, and Haunting Thoughts.

I guess it's a little presumptuous to assume others will even care to know about my ongoing journey through grief.  Still, I write.

I can't get so many memories of Momma out of my head.  (And no, I do NOT think I need to.) There are days that are filled with happy memories that make me smile, days that I think of her laughter, days that I have a wonderful memory of her spending time with me. A couple of them that I think of often are when she'd grab my arm, laugh, and say, "I just want a little love bite!"...and she'd pretend to bite my arm.  And sometimes, she would actually (jokingly) bite me!  I'd laugh. She'd laugh.  (Yes, I do the same thing with our little Babylove!)  Another memory is of her pretending to bite my feet.  I know I had to have been a very young age, which is odd to me.  Because I don't have much of a memory of being a little girl.  But those moments have stuck with me.  (What's with all the biting, Momma?  I guess I'm just sweet.)  ; )

And then there are other memories.

Memories of the Deep Sadness, of her last days.
Memories of me looking forward to the future.....of having her be around to help me raise our sweet son, of having her around to answer questions I have about her childhood, about my childhood...of having her to share in the joy of mine and my husband's marriage.  She always loved to celebrate those things.  She always sent cards and flowers on our anniversaries.  I had so many dreams of doing fun things with all of us together, of being a wife and momma WITH my Momma.

These Haunting Thoughts happen often, so many things can trigger them.  And still, it can be nothing that triggers them.....they just float in and take up space in my mind.  Would I want to forget them?  No, never. Still, sometimes the pain is so deep.......all I can do is write about it, get through the moments, and keep going.

One of the Haunting Thoughts that I can't stop thinking about lately happened during sometime of her last year with us.  She was always so proud of my sister and me, and naturally, the grandbabies.  She was one of those "dote all she can, brag about them constantly, spend every second she could with them, show you every picture she has" kind of Nanas.  When my husband and I were visiting my parents one weekend, I remember her looking at our Babylove.  She was enjoying every second of him being there, watching him intently, and smiling.  She was soaking every second up.
She looked at me and said, "I sure hope I'm around to see them grow up, and to be a Great Nana!"...

It stings my soul to even type those words, because I don't think I've ever told anyone about that moment.  It was always so much of an intense thing for me to think of after losing her, and something I never could have even said without bursting into tears.  Because I burst into tears just now....and that was just typing it out.

I've learned to make space for these haunting thoughts.  I've learned that they will always be here.  Memory is such a beautiful gift, and often it is so full of pain.

I miss her everyday.
I picked up the phone to call her yesterday morning, I was itching to share all my excitement about our new homeschooling year.  Nevermind that she breathed her last in December of 2007, my very soul still wants to share in every joy I have with her.  When I'm sad, I want to talk to her.  She's my Momma.  It's more than instinct, my sister and I had a Momma that loved us, and we knew it.  We know it.

It's hard.
Some days are just hard.
A sweet friend of mine was asking about my Momma the other day.  I had a lump in my throat the entire time.  I was telling her my story, about losing Momma.  And then it hit me how long I've been going along.......without her.  Our sweet boy had just turned three when it happened.......he's now inching towards nine years old.  We've been given a raw deal.  She should still be here.  But she's not.

Life continues to happen, I'll age, we'll all keep going.  And one day I'll look back, and it'll be twenty years, and you know what?.......

I'll still have a lump in my throat, I'll still shed tears, I'll still need my husband to hug me, I'll still want her here.......and I'll still have space in my brain and my heart full of haunting thoughts.

And that is one of the ways of grief.

You sweet people who carry grief, you are not alone.  And if you don't carry it.......comfort someone you know and love, because I'm sure you know someone living with haunting thoughts.  Help be that person who creates a space for them to grieve.


WeDonna said...

Beautifully written My Dear Sweet Girl!

jesnicole said...

Thank you, that means a lot to me!! Our family is so grateful for you, hug Daddy for me!! Love y'all!!