I John 3:18

All original content copyright Jessica Nicole Schafer, 2007-2016.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

My Grief is Not Just My Own.

I learned many years ago that all time is sacred.  True, there are moments when we remember the Divine, when we KNOW something spiritual just happened.  But we also tend to forget that here, NOW...these days we are gifted are sacred.

I've been nursing a hurt foot back to health for a couple of weeks.  Supposedly I'll need to give it a bit longer to heal, even though my entire body (inside and out) is ready to run a marathon that lasts a million years.  (OHMYGOODNESSIHATEHAVINGTOSITDOWN!!!!)

While talking to my husband recently, I mentioned something about time, how our Offspring is growing up so quickly. I mentioned that if I only get to have the amount of days my Momma had on this earth, then I'm already past the "one third" mark of being part of our son's life.  (Not in a morbid way, mind you.  When one experiences grief, they can't help but think thoughts like this sometimes, merely because they've experienced it firsthand.)  It's because *WE KNOW*.  I know that it will pass quickly, I know the beauty of these days.  I know that one phone call in the evening while putting our toddler to sleep can change our lives forever...

I recently wrote about how I needed to just sit down.  Well, I guess since I have a love of irony, it is now playing out.  I've had no choice but to sit down.  When a part of our body is aching, when it hurts to walk on, when our brain is telling us that something is not right, we have to cater to it.  Our entire body sacrifices to make up for the weakness of that one part.  (Sound familiar??)

I have seen this, oh have I lived it.  Sometimes I forget that my hurts affect my husband.  Sometimes I forget that he carries it all with me, lovingly, because he wants to.  Never because he has to.  Always because he gets to.  Sometimes I forget that the deep sadness that looms inside my broken heart is not alone, because he has been here beside me every. single. moment.  I only hope I do half as good a job loving him, as he does me.

I say all that to say this:

Thank you, My Love.

I know it's not easy.  I know it's not easy to see me carry this grief.  I know it's not easy merely because you wish you could just make that part of me never hurt anymore.  But we know that's not the way of grief.  It's meant to be lived with, handled, felt.  It's meant to be carried.  And how much easier it is for this girl, because I have you to carry it with me.  

I have remembered.  I have remembered the hugs, the tears, the anger, the silence....I  have remembered the countless times you've been here.  Beside me.  Part of me.  And it speaks to me.  
*I know* what we have together is a gift.  *I know* the gift of spending our time together on this earth....*I KNOW* the beauty of it all. 

I know that the burden of my grief has been softened because of the beautiful gift of love we share.

I Know, and thank you.  I love you.

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