A Blanket of Grief lined with comfort.

If you've ever lost someone close to you, you know the hurt that comes and goes throughout the rest of your life. Some days are harder than others, but the absence of that loved one is always there. And if you are a girl who lost your Mother at a young age.....it changes you in ways you'd never expect. One of my sweet friends, who is actually in her sixties, told me that when she lost her mother at a young age she found herself couting down the days until she was her mother's age when she passed away. I've found myself starting on that same path.

Of course, birthdays are tough to celebrate.....and especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. My Momma's birthday just passed at the beginning of this month. That day is always really rough on myself, and I'm sure my Daddy and sister. For some odd reason.....Valentine's day was a real tear jerker for me. (And I cried thinking of my Daddy having to go through this day without Momma.) Let me back up a bit.

We woke up Sunday morning and I was exhausted. I don't remember how late I was up the night before, but I just couldn't rest well. Given our family's predicament over the last several months, there are many nights that I don't rest well. But my husband was nudging me awake bright and early Sunday morning, Valentine's Day, saying "Get up! Happy Valentine's Day! We need to get ready to go to church". We've been attending a place that's about half an hour's drive, and we have to get up pretty early. I was not into this whole, "get up" thing that morning. I would've been perfectly content to rest a little bit. But I got up, quickly got ready, fed my lil' babylove and got him all dressed and ready to go.

After Sunday School, we walked down to the sanctuary, and sitting in front of me is a young girl, about my age. Beside her is what appears to be her Mother. Her mother keeps putting her arm around the young girl, lovingly. And I couldn't help but notice, they were directly in front of me. There's this part of me everytime I see a girl my age with her Mother that makes me want to scream, "WHY!!!!! Why do you get to have yours, but mine is gone!?!?!??!".....and I know that's normal. But quickly, that part of me was quieted by another part. I just wanted to go grab that young girl and tell her, "Hold on!!!!! Don't for a second take for granted that your Momma is right there with you, loving you and doting on you, treasure it!".....

There are days that are much harder, days when the tears just flow and as quickly as I wipe them, more are falling right behind. Valentine's Day was one of those for me.

Just after I noticed that girl and her mother, someone gets up and reads, Philippians 4:6-7 which reads,
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Those were the last words My Momma wrote in her journal.

The entire sermon was about these verses.

So needless to say, the tears were flowing. Times like this I can think, "God, WHY!!! Why torture me with these memories?!?!"....OR I can think, "THANK YOU, LORD!! Thank you for such sweet memories and reminders of My Momma.....it brings me such comfort to know You're there and You remember me, You remember my pain and You offer comfort and hope!!" I chose that second line of thinking.

To top this Sunday morning off, we sang a hymn that had these words,

"The Lord is never far away,
But, thro' all grief distressing,
An ever-present help and stay,
Our peace and joy and blessing;
As with a mother's tender hand
He leads His own, His chosen band:
To God all praise and glory!"

"Sing Praise to God Who Reigns Above" by Johann J. Schutz


Through the pain and tears, through my joy and fears, through my aches and memories....thank you, Lord. Thank you for reaching out to me in a time where the hurt cuts so deep I can do nothing but cry. Thank you for a husband who encourages me.

It's broken.

We can pretend it's not, but it is.
We can ignore the reality of the darkness that happens in our lives, or we can face it head on. I choose to face it.

Because if I don't, I'm pretty sure I could describe what would happen. I'd be like a shell of a person. I'd be unfeeling. I'd be unloving. I'd be unsympathetic. I would never want to hurt with you if you were hurting. I would never cry with you when you were crying. I would never simply be with you in your pain. Nor would I be with you in your joy. I would try to find all the easy answers for all the "why's"....and those easy answers would suffice.......for a little while.

I'm talking about this because the circles I run in have lots of people who like to gloss over reality and slap a big band-aid on the bad, hoping to cover it up....and that it will all go away and nobody will notice. That is never a good thing. What happens is things will get worse. And all things that are covered up have a way of finding their way out of the darkness.

Talking. I think that's a good place to start. Not just shallow talking, but talking about both the good and the bad. The Church in America is REALLY good about talking about the "good" things (because I think good is a relative term) but downright horrible when it comes to talking about tragedy. We are quick to blame either ourselves or someone else.....and we never really know what to do with tragedy when it happens to us. Much less the tragedy of others. We are often like Job's friends.....though someone we know is hurting beyond belief, for a very long time, we like to pass judgment on them and tell them all the reasons these horrible things are happening. (We need to be reminded of what God said to Job's friends at the end of that story!) We've become a society that says, "I don't believe in prosperity preaching, the belief that good happens to those doing good and bad happens to those who are doing bad".....but we LIVE exactly that way.

Words. Marriages begin with them. Wars start with them. Friendships begin with them. Relationships are shattered with them.

It is with our words we pray to God. And with those same words we tear down one another. It is with words that we whisper to our lovers. And with those same words that spouses whisper to mistresses. It is with words we talk about the sanctity of life, yet tear down lives everyday with the evil things we speak, and the slander we spread about one another. It's with our words we say we believe in the truth and love, yet we still spread lies and hatred. Words. They are important.

I've been told some pretty hateful things. And I'll be honest, they have hurt. The whole "sticks and stones" saying is NOT TRUE. Words hurt. They scar. They stick to us sometimes. And the Bible has plenty to say about our words. To me, if the Bible speaks so many times about the words we say.....I think we need to PAY ATTENTION. Instead of mentioning all the shallow, unloving things I've been told that have stuck with me (which would be a very long list...I'd be willing to bet your list would be long, too.....and by the way, there are many things I've said to others that I wish I could take bake....I speak to myself here, as well as others...) I am going to list a bajillion Scriptures written to us on what we say, and in what way we need to be saying these things. Let's be honest, the church needs some help in this area. In a world where the church is supposed to be a city on a hill, we're quickly becoming known as a village in a valley. I think one of the ways to start is with examining how we're living....and what we're saying to one another. I hope it is encouraging, because if you're anything like me....I need all the encouragement I can get. I believe we were meant to live this life in community.....and if that's so, we'd better start paying attention to what's going on outside our doors, to those in and out of the church, and to those who are hurting. We need to learn to be loving again, (both in words and action) and get rid of this judgmentalism that is associated with the church in America. Whether we like it or not, that is how many see the church today. We can sit and say all the reasons we think that is wrong, or we can stop arguing and start ACTIVELY living out the life of love we were called to by the One we say we follow. One good place to start is by examining our words.....and the hearts from which they come. I mean, words must mean a lot, right? God did create with His very words..............


*Psalm 19:14*
"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."

*Psalm 54:2*
"Hear my prayer, O God; give ear to the words of my mouth."

*Psalm 59:12*
"On account of the sin of their mouth and the words of their lips, let them even be caught in their pride, and on account of curses and lies which they utter."

*Psalm 78:1*
"Listen, O my people, to my instruction, incline your ears to the words of my mouth."

*Psalm 94:4*
"They pour forth words, they speak arrogantly; all who do wickedness vaunt themselves."

*Psalm 119:103*
"How sweet are Your words to my taste! Yes, sweeter than honey to my mouth."

*Psalm 119:147*
"I rise before dawn and cry for help; I wait for Your words."

*Proverbs 4:20*
"My son, give attention to my words, incline your ear to my sayings."

*Proverbs 4:24*
"Put away from you a deceitful mouth and put devious speech far from you."

*Proverbs 3:27-28*
"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. Do not say to your neighbor, 'Go, and come back, and tomorrow I wil give it,' when you have it with you."

*Proverbs 10:18-21*

*Proverbs 12:17-22*

*Proverbs 15:1-2*
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, but the mouth of fools spouts folly.

*Proverbs 16:24*
"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

*Proverbs 15:26*
"Evil plans are an abomination to the LORD, but pleasant words are pure."

*Proverbs 12:14*
"A man will be satisfied with good by the fruit of his words, and the deeds of a man's hands will return to him."

*Proverbs 17:4*
"An evildoer listens to wicked lips; a liar pays attention to a destructive tongue."

*Proverbs 17:27-18*
"He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is considered prudent."

*Proverbs 18:4*
"The words of a man's mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook."

*Proverbs 18:6-7*
"A fool's lips bring strife, and his mouth calls for blows. A fool's mouth is his ruin, and his lips are the snare of his soul."

*Proverbs 18:20-21*
"With the fruit of a man's mouth his stomach will be satisfied; he will be satisfied with the product of his lips. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit."

*Proverbs 20:15*
"There is gold, and an abundance of jewels; but the lips of knowledge are a more precious thing."

*Proverbs 20:19*
"He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip."

*Proverbs 21:23*
"He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards his soul from troubles."

*Proverbs 25:11*
"Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances."


*Zechariah 8:16*
"These are the things which you should do: speak the truth to one another; judge with truth and judgment for peace in your gates."

*Matthew 5:22*
"But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, 'You good-for-nothing' shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, 'You fool,' shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell."

*Matthew 7:24*
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock."

*Matthew 7:26*
"Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand."

*Matthew 12:35-37*
"The good man brings out of his good treasure what is good; and the evil man brings out of his evil treasure what is evil. But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned."

*Matthew 15:8-9*
"'This people honors ME with their lips, but their heart is far away from Me. But in vain do they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the precepts of men.' And Jesus called the crowd to Him, He said to them, 'Hear and understand. It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles the man but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man.'"

"Matthew 15:18-19*
"But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders."

*Matthew 24:35*
"Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away."

*Luke 6:31*
"Treat others the same way you want them to treat you."

"Luke 6:46*
"Why do you call Me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?"

"John 1:1*
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."

*John 1:14*
"And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory...."

*All of John*

*John 6:63*
"It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing; the words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life."

*John 14:24*
"He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine, but the Father's who sent Me."

*I Corinthians 16:14*
"Let all that you do be done in love."

"Ephesians 4:25*
"Therefore, laying aside falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE of you WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, for we are members of one another."

*Ephesians 4:29*
"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear."

*Ephesians 5:19*
"speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord;"

*Hebrews 4:12*
"For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart."

*James 1:19*
"This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;"

*James 3:5*
"So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things."

*Psalm 34:13*
"Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit."

*Psalm 15*

*Psalm 52:4*
"You love all words that devour, O deceitful tongue."

*Psalm 64:3*
"Who have sharpened their tongue like a sword. They aimed bitter speech as their arrow,"

*Proverbs 10:32*
"The lips of the righteous bring forth what is acceptable, but the mouth of the wicked what is perverted."

*Proverbs 12:18-19*
"There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Truthful lips will be established forever, but a lying tongue is only for a moment."

*Proverbs 31:26*
"She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."

*James 3:8-10*
"But no one can tame the tongue, it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way."

*I Peter 3:10*
"For, 'The ONE WHO DESIRES LIFE, TO LOVE AND SEE GOOD DAYS, MUST KEEP HIS TONGUE FROM EVIL AND HIS LIPS FROM SPEAKING DECEIT.'"

I am just so relieved right now, in this moment. It's not because anything other than the fact that a sweet friend called me today. She knows all of our circumstances. And you know what, she didn't say to me, "You need to get over it..." (which I was told to do regarding grieving the tragic loss of my Momma, a mere twelve weeks after it happened.....)......or, "You must be doing something wrong"......or, "Well, if you just trusted God more"....or, "Just stop complaining".....(and YES, if you know anything about what our family has been going through, those are REAL things that have been said to me.) I didn't hear any of that!!! You know what I heard?

It's okay.

It's okay to cry and question and even say a few curse words if I need to get it all out!!! She told me things I already knew.....but you know what?? I had forgotten so much of it. And you know why?? Because so many people had told me all of the things I mentioned above. She just, out of nowhere, said, "I hurt for you guys. So much. I can't imagine why you're going through this. You are not alone, and we are here to just listen to you. We are here to go through this with you, for the long haul." WOW. THAT is love. That is fellowship. That is encouragement. That is the love of God reaching down and wrapping His arms around me. In a world where Christianity has been dumbed down to prosperity preaching and empty doctrine.....THAT was what I have been needing for so long.

It was such a breath of fresh air.

I was reading Job last night. Again. It always comforts me. He pours his very soul out to his friends, and they immediately bash him. Wait a minute, they do sit with him. For seven days. Which seems like a good amount of time. But then, when things don't get better for Job, when things STAY horrible. They are gone. Because who has time for that? Who has time to mourn with someone? Right? They immediately have that "disconnect" from him. They immediately judge him. I have been there. I'm sure you have, too. I'm sure many of us have. If you have been going through a horrible time, if life has been just beating the crap out of you, I apologize on behalf of many Christians who have not been there with you. It's a different thing to be there "for someone"....and "with someone". And even as I write this, I think of all the poeple who are saying, "I can't believe she's bashing the church right now......what a bad thing to say". My answer is simple; there are real problems in the church. Don't believe me? Read your Bible. Nothing is new under the sun. The thing is, we need to address them, it's good to talk about the bad and try to fix it. It's a good thing to bring the dark things into the light and see them for what they are. When our children do things out of hate, do we simply pretend they didn't? Or do we not take them aside and talk with them about how love works?

The same here. I was comforted last night. I was comforted to read the words of Job, "So am I alloted months of vanity, and nights of trouble are appointed me. When I lie down I say, 'when shall I arise?' but the night continues, and I am continually tossing until dawn............My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle, and come to an end without hope." *Job 7:3-4 &6*

"...and come to an end without hope..." That is where I have been. I can't apologize for that. For too long I have tried to keep silent to "appease" those Christians out there who bash others for talking about the bad things in life. It's taboo to talk about the hard things in Christianity. And when we do, we're told such shallow, band-aid answers. I don't believe God wants that. I believe, with all my heart, that though God can reach down and change things for me, though He can make things better and I'm still waiting for Him to do something.......He STILL hears my cries. He still hurts with me. He still comforts me. I find comfort in my suffering.

If you're experiencing sorrow, hopelessness, despair. You are not alone. If you keep wondering, "Why does all the bad stuff keep happening?". You are not alone. If you keep looking for hope because you've run out of it, you are not alone. God is with you. And let me tell you, it helps so much to have someone who loves you be there with you. Let us not forget we were meant to go through life in community. We need one another. Even when it is tiring, taxing, emotionally draining, we're called to carry one another's burdens. Don't take the easy way out and turn your face from someone who needs you. That is not love. That is not from God.

"Lord, thank You. I hate the way things have been in my life for so long. It seems as though despair has been in my family since losing my Momma. Everything we've gone through in the past two years, You know it all. You, alone, know our hearts. You could easily change things. And yet You haven't. I don't know why. I admit that I have felt guilty, trying to find all the reasons I deserve all this bad. Thank you for reminding me not to try to find something that I'm doing wrong as a reason that You are "punishing" me. Thank you for sending this friend to remind me that following You sometimes gives no answers. There may be no reason for all the sorrow. Thank you for mine and Darryl's friends who have been there for us through all of this, who have been an ear for us. I have no idea when You will step in for my family. I don't know at all. But thank you for reminding me that You do feel what I'm feeling. Thank you for giving me this friend who is hurting with me. Please answer my cries, Lord. Amen."


"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him. Nevertheless I will argue my ways before Him." *Job 13:15*

"You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" -Psalm 56:8-


It's much easier to pretend things are good when they're not. It's much easier to ignore the reality of what's happening around rather than deal with the very hard things in life. I have never been one who's able to do that, though. I have to ask questions. I have to wonder. I have to talk about the hard things. I ask God those tough questions that I used to never think of asking Him. And you know what? He's okay with that!! He can handle my questions. He can handle my frustrations. He can handle my unbelief. He can handle my sorrows. He can handle my grief.

Today I am trying, as hard as I can, to remember that there is a rainbow somewhere. It is there. I can't see it, and I am not experiencing it. But I am holding onto that promise. There's no way to "pretty it up".....I've been going through pure hell the past two full years. And right now, it doesn't look like things are getting any better. But until they do....assuming they will.....I am holding onto God, and these precious people He's given me. I love Him. I love them. I love my God, even during the stormy seasons of life, when death seems to be all around and sorrow seems to have camped out for good.....I still love Him. Nothing can change that. And nothing can change the great love He has for me.

Another year.

I went back to that lonely place this year. I kept saying it was my first Christmas back since The Deep Sadness....and it pretty much was. We drove back to Oklahoma again after those horrible, horrible days in 2007, and we spent Christmas there in Altus with Darryl's family. I couldn't tell you one thing I got. I couldn't even tell you one thing anybody else opened from beneath that tree. So, to me....yes, it was my first Christmas back. I was alert this time. I was aware.

I went to the gravesite for the first time since then. It was difficult. I had a horrible feeling in my gut. However, it wasn't any harder than the previous two years have been without My Momma. Her absence has been loudly apparent. There were two things that really hit me hard, though. They got to me in such a deep way that I know I will never forget. First of all, seeing the words "Parents of Carmen and Jessica" on the tombstone made me fall apart on the inside. It doesn't make sense. It shouldn't be. My sister and I, standing there, looking at a slab of stone resting above our Momma. Oh, how I have felt robbed since that December. Not to mention seeing my Daddy's name on the other side. That was not comforting at all.

As I walked through that cemetery, seeing names of other loved ones in our family....I started reading dates. For many of the tombstones, there were a lot of years between those two dates. Many of the souls resting there had full lives. And as I glanced again at the dates on My Momma's tombstone, all those feelings of anger came back. WHY in the world was she not allowed many more years here with us? And what about those who don't even have as long as she had? So many questions. Not a soul on this earth will ever be able to answer them, though.

Grief lingers. The absence of our loved ones lingers. And it should. Because they were, no, ARE loved and missed.

I am thankful for the grief, as I've said before. In our grief, we remember the love. In grief, we are reminded of our neediness. In grief, we are reminded that we are not in control of this life. In grief, we are reminded of this wonderful breath we have in us, and that we never know the minute that breath will be taken.

Christmas morning we woke up at my in-laws home. Darryl looked at me, and he knew. He knew exactly what I was thinking before I even said it. I wouldn't be finding
My Momma under that tree. The only present I have wanted for so long now.

**********************************************************************************


The past two years has been filled with heartache for my family. There have been other things Darryl and I have had to live through, and I am ready to be done with this dark period in our lives. Every inch of me wants to scream as loudly as I can for some sunshine to come peeking through for us. God only knows the heartache we are carrying. Just as He knows the heartache every single one of us carries.

I wait. I hope. I refuse to be overtaken by bitterness. How easy it would be for anybody who's lived out these last 24 months to become a shell of a person. To lose their humanity, their faith. And many people do. It is such an easy thing to do to become hard-hearted. There are so many excuses for it.

But I can't. I simply can't. I see all the heartache. The grief. I see all the injustices. I see all the poverty. I have seen death. I have seen people treat my husband like dirt. I have seen hatred fill so many people's lives that it becomes who they are. I have seen marriages fall apart. I have seen fear all over my face in the first part of our pregnancy with Dylan after being rushed to the ER and told, "you'll just have to wait and see what happens......"....

But...................

I remember Christ. I remember My Momma's voice, her laugh, her hugs. I remember her grabbing my hand. I remember kissing my husband on our wedding day. I remember feeling Dylan move for the first time in the early part of our pregnancy. I remember holding him the day he was born. I remember his little voice calling for me for the first time. I remember the grief shared and the comfort given among my sister, my Daddy, and myself. I remember our close friends who have reached out to us through this. I remember laughing.

And as I remember all those things, I know that God is real. I know that He is not a fluffy white man in the clouds who will give me all the riches I want if I'll just name it and claim it. I know that He is a God who not only hands out sorrow, but comfort. I know that He is a God that not only causes tears sometimes, but cries alongside me when I do. I know He is a God who loves me. Even when I question His love for me, He still loves me. I know that. I know that through all these dark days. He loves me. Even though it doesn't look like it, and even though sorrow has camped out in our home.....He loves me. I can't deny that.

So with that said, here's to another year. One that I hope finds my family in happiness, comfort, fellowship, and answered prayers.

Not sure about the heartache
Or why things keep falling apart.
But I'm trying as hard as I can
To make some good things start.

I'm holding onto what is good
And living through all the bad...
It's times like this I remember
all the good things that I've had.

Life keeps spinning and handing
out things that devastate and destroy...
I'm clinging tight to my lover with
all I am, and our little boy.

I remember the good Lord teaching me
that tribulation will come my way-
But I think I've had all I can take,
I'm ready for something good to come today.

I'm holding on to the amazing marriage
God has blessed me with for so long.
I do not take that for granted,
In his arms I'll always belong.

I'm holding onto this precious blessing
wrapped up in my little boy.
The sunshine he gives me everyday
brings me nothing but pure joy.

I'm holding onto This Holy Spirit
whom I know will intercede....
In these darkest days and darkest nights,
of which I am in my greatest need.


December 30, 2009
J.N.S.

A Red Coat.

(This post was written on December 14th.)


Did I ever tell you about my red coat? I love it!!!!! It is so adorable. It is a long, wool coat that I wanted for many years. I finally saw the exact one I wanted, and got it two years ago at Christmas. It is beautiful. However, it's never been worn.

It was the last Christmas gift My Momma got for me. She had all of her Christmas shopping done early that year, (which NEVER happened,) and we knew it would be tough opening her gifts. My Daddy, sister, myself, our spouses, and all the grandchildren....we all knew we'd have to sit there together and open up the things she'd taken the time to get for us. Open them up, that is, without her there with us.

I'm not sure why I haven't worn it. I want to, I love it. But part of me doesn't want to chance "messing it up". I know my Momma would DEFINITELY want me to be wearing it!!!!! Hopefully I can sometime.....I just haven't worked up the nerve.


It is true that Christmas, birthdays, and most holidays are tough on families that are missing their loved ones. However, I have found that it's difficult year round. Some days are still much harder than others. Today at church a very sweet friend of mine took my hand in hers, and told me she would be thinking of me so much this week, because she knew the date was tomorrow. It took everything in me to make sure I didn't burst into tears. I NEEDED to hear that. I needed someone to tell me that. I'm not sure why.....but I did. C.S. Lewis said it best when he said something like "her absence is like a blanket.....it covers everything." If you have ever lost someone close to you, I'm sure that makes sense. Yes, certain places and certain times make you think a little more about them....but the great sadness will always loom, no matter the day. I still go to my phone to call her when amazing things happen. I still try to dial her up when things are just going horribly, because she always listened to me and said, "It will all be okay...". Today, especially, I'd give anything to hear her say that.

And still, though I know I can't hear her say it.....I CAN still hear her saying it...

"It will all be okay." One day, it will, indeed.



"For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus." -I Thessalonians 4:14-

Momma, you have no idea how much you are missed.

Blessings?

I’ve been thinking so much about the holidays this year. For many reasons. One of the most obvious being that the holidays are always tough when they’re celebrated without our loved ones.
Another reason I’ve been thinking about Thanksgiving is because of our culture. I’ve been raised (as I’m sure most of you have been, also) to see blessings from God as good paying jobs, owning big homes, having three or four vehicles, having 3.5 children, and being healthy. I have been raised with the idea that if those things are NOT happening, then “blessings” from Him are NOT happening.
Think about that for a minute.

As I piddled around online during the past week, almost everybody was thanking God for their blessings…..and everytime, it was for the things listed above. And rightly so, these things ARE blessings. But what about when God does NOT give these things?
What about when life is not filled with happy days? What about lives that are filled with sorrow? What about lives that are filled with people hating you? What happens when things “fall apart”? By fall apart, I mean when we do NOT have a good paying job, do NOT own a nice, big home, do NOT own several vehicles, have no family, and our health is failing? What about loneliness? What about death? What about despair? What about those things??

We shouldn’t be surprised. As a wise man has reminded me time and time again….”If we claim to be followers of Christ, we shouldn’t be surprised when His story is lived out in our lives.” (One guess as to the wise man I’m referring to.) And His story is NOT filled with money, material things, children, etc. It is quite the opposite. It is filled with persecution, poverty, and towards the end He is put to death by the very ones who said they knew Him. (Thankfully, that is not how the story ends.)

We simply cannot see ONLY these things as blessings from God. Because eventually, that thinking falls apart. It falls apart when God stops being a magic genie who gives you everything you want. It falls apart when jobs are lots. It falls apart when women have miscarriages. It falls apart when a family loses their home because they were laid off and can’t pay their mortgage anymore. It falls apart when a spouse is loving and faithful only to find that they were cheated on by their mate. It falls apart when someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, and you have to sit back and watch that cancer take it’s toll on someone you love dearly. It falls apart when you step out of this country!!!!! Because Christians living TODAY in many other countries do not have the things that most American Christians see as “blessings”. They don’t. There’s no way around that. And yet, I’d be quite sure to say that those Christians living there, who have no running water, who have no home, let alone a vehicle….who watch their children die sometimes, due to hunger……they still somehow consider themselves blessed SIMPLY BECAUSE they know God.

What is a blessing? Who defines it? Does our culture? Do we? You? Me?

I was talking to a dear friend the other day. I was telling her my frustrations as of late, and I LOVED having her listen. She is a wise woman. She said something that Darryl had actually said to me before. I was telling her how I’m tired of hearing “things will be okay”….and nothing happening. She said, “When people say those things, it’s never to comfort you, they say it to comfort themselves”. I think she and Darryl are so right on this one. Often-with good intentions- we tell people in their distress, “It will be okay……It will work out……..Things will work out…..I’ll pray for you”…..etc. We’ve all said those things at one point. And of course, there is something to be said for encouraging one another. But I’m wondering if sometimes people say these things in the midst of tragedy because the tragedy itself is too hard to face…….speaking these words to someone who is going through living hell brings comfort to the one speaking because it’s just too hard to figure out.
Because if someone we love is unjustly suffering, then where is God? If someone we love is living in poverty, why isn’t God doing something? If someone we love is facing a terminal illness, why isn’t God healing them? If someone we love is doing everything they can and NOTHING good is happening, WHERE IS GOD???? This same friend told me that MANY times through the past year, when her family has been going through a terminal illness, financial troubles because of it, heartache, sorrow, etc…..she has been asked by Christians, “Well, what are you learning through this?”. WHAT THE HECK!?!?!?!? And yes, as most of you have guessed, the times she’s been asked this, it’s been from a very condescending point of view.

I believe sometimes tragedy happens not to teach the one who’s hurting a lesson, but to teach the Church, as a whole, a lesson. Asking my friend that question would be like asking a toddler who has the flu, “Well, what have you learned from this experience?”. DUH…….That having the flu sucks, and I don’t want to have it!!!!!

(A little side story: Last year when Darryl's sister was dealing with a VERY tragic experience, Darryl said something that has stuck with me. The first time we got to see her, his parents were there, beside her in the hospital bed. She was laying there, unable to move anything at all. There were so many unanswered questions. There was so much hurt, anger, worry, grief, fear, sorrow. When asked "where is Jesus in all this?"....Darryl answered, "He's there, lying in the bed." I will never forget that.
By the way, his sister is doing MUCH better. She has a family that bent over backwards helping her. That is encouraging. )

I do not have the answers, of course. But I do know two things, following Him will not always be rainbows and sunshine. And ignoring the reality of sorrow, grief, and suffering in our lives, or those we know, will never turn out good.

As we sit here in America this year. As we spend Thanksgiving thanking God for our jobs, money, homes, families, health. And then as we go and spend hundreds-some people thousands- on Christmas presents that will probably be obsolete in a year or two…..I wonder if we’ve got it “right”. I wonder if it is pleasing to Him for us to thank Him when we have all we want, and shake our fists at Him when we don’t. I wonder if He is pleased when we sit idly by while those we know suffer. I wonder if He is pleased when we contribute to this beast that we’ve created when it comes to consumerism and Christmas.

I wonder. I don’t have answers…..these are things I’m trying to get a handle on, myself.

I spent last week thanking God for grief, as you probably read in my last post. Yes, I thanked Him for what I have. But one of the most sobering things I had to do this year, because I had NO CHOICE, was to thank Him for what I don’t have. Because I have been reminded that I need Him. Even in my lack of many things…..still I need only Him. Whether He gives me all those things my heart desires….I need Him. We need Him. Even when He is choosing not to “bless” us according to what the church in America thinks. We still need Him.

I guess what I’m trying to convey can be summed up in the following words, words that turn our thinking upside down…..words that my loving husband often reminds me of. As you experience the holidays, I hope you remember these life-changing words:

“And turning His gaze toward His disciples, He began to say, ‘Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh. Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and insult you, and scorn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man. Be glad in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven. For in the same way their fathers used to treat the prophets. But woe to you who are rich, for you are receiving your comfort in full. Woe to you who are well-fed now, for you shall be hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you shall mourn and weep.’” Luke 6:20-25

Thankful.

Grief.

I have written so much about it since December of 2007. To you, that may seem so long ago. Almost two years. So much has happened since then. My lil' baby was only three years old. The future looked so bright to me then. It seems so far away because the time since then has been so hard without her, yet at times it seems so close, because I remember her so well. I remember having just let go of the burden of worrying about My Momma. For those of you who don't know, she had dealt with cancer, and recovered fully from having a kidney removed a couple of years before. I had worried so much about that coming back, and just a couple months before that December, she had another surgery that ended successfully. I had finally, FINALLY gotten to a point that I literally told God, "Thank you. I feel like I don't have to worry about her anymore. Thank you for taking care of her. Thank you for keeping her here and healthy." That was actually my prayer at around 7:50 that evening, just as I rocked Dylan to sleep.

Minutes later was when we got the phone call.

Trust me, there have been moments that I was so ANGRY at God. There still are. There are so many questions. Why her? Why now? Why couldn't my son, who loved her more than any child I've ever seen with his Grandmother, get to know her for many years to come? Why won't she be able to be here when we have the rest of our children? WHY?.......

She ended up giving her final breath on the day of one of my best friend's birthdays. In the middle of December, right in the midst of the Christmas season.

Darkness has hung around my family many moons since then. I cringe thinking of my Daddy being here without her. They had been together since they were about fifteen years old. I think of my sister.....dealing with this as My Momma and Daddy's firstborn. I think of her grandchildren who adored her. I think of my husband, who was very close to her.

I'm no expert on grief, not by a long shot. I have learned that we DO need to grieve. I have learned that we can't pretend it doesn't exist. I have learned to be there for others in their grief, and NOT tell them to "get over it". I have learned to remember her life. I have learned that grief hurts. I have learned that when one doesn't deal with grief, it makes them bitter and angry, and often full of hate. I have learned that our Heavenly Father grieves alongside us. I have learned that grief NEVER goes away. It is carried, forever. I have learned that My Momma is grieved for not only by my Daddy, Sister, myself, but all of our family, and many, many more family members and friends. I have learned that the grief is SO BIG because the love shared was, and is, SO BIG.

This Thanksgiving season I am giving thanks for something a bit odd.
I am thanking GOD for GRIEF.
It hurts, it hurts to the core of my being. There are days that I remember everything all over again. There are days when Dylan is asking constantly, "When can I see my Nana?!!". There are nights when I just cry for no reason other than the fact that I can't call her on the phone. Because I need her, I need My Momma. I'm not even thirty years old yet. I have a five year old. I need HER. There are days when my husband wants to fix everything, but all he can do is hold me and say nothing. There are days I want to just scream because I still can't understand the reality of death. Death is not what we were meant for.....I think we Christians forget that sometimes. We try to mask our grief by calling it a beautiful thing. It's beautiful in God's eyes, yes...the death of His saints. THEY are reunited. BUT.....it's not pretty on our side. We were NOT meant to die. It's not supposed to be a beautiful thing to see our loved ones die. It is beautiful for THEM.....but it's not supposed to be this happy event on our part. It will be fixed one day...But that's a whole other subject, for another time.

I am thanking God for grief this year, and I will continue to do so. Because you see, in those dark moments of despair, in the deep grieving of my soul, I remember My Momma. I remember WHY I am hurting. I remember why there's a big emptiness in our family year round. I remember why there are odd silences when her name is mentioned. I remember why there's even more of an aching during birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. It's because I love her. She was and is loved by our family. It's because life is THAT GOOD. Life was that GOOD with her here. Her laugh. Her smile. Her telling me, "Everything will be alright". God was in those moments. God is in the business of giving life. And GOD IS IN THE GRIEF.
And even in my grief, I thank Him. Because without the grief to remember every moment I had with her, I'd forget.
And I don't want to forget her.
I want to remember.

Grief is what I'm thankful for this year.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you for the grief.

Life.

I was doing the dishes as I heard a blood-curdling scream coming from my little boy. I was wondering what in the world could have happened, I had just walked out of the room to do the dishes while he was viewing a movie about an adorable little puppy. What could have happened in five seconds?!?!?!? I turned the water off, and darted around the corner to him, only to find him standing up and screaming and crying as if someone was yanking his arm off. I asked as quickly as I could....."Baby, what is it!?!? Tell me, what is wrong......what's wrong, take a breath.....". He was heartbroken. He finally cried out, "They hurt him! Those bad guys hurt the puppy's little friend. Momma, they hurt him!". His new favorite T.V. pup had made a puppy friend.....and in the movie, some burglars hurt the little pooch.

So we sat down and I held him as he cried and tried to make sense of what just happened. He just kept saying, "Momma, I'm okay, I'm not crying.....I'm okay. I'm not sad and I'm not crying...". He was saying all this through his tears. It was as if he was ashamed of feeling his own feelings. We had a very long talk. I was trying hard not to cry, myself! We talked about how it was just a movie. But I also told him that whenever he is happy, Mommy and Daddy are happy with him. Just as when he is sad, Mommy and Daddy are sad along with him. We talked about God feeling things with him, too. I told him that God has given him a gift, he has a very caring heart, and he sees the GREAT importance of life. He also sees the importance of feeling for others as they hurt.....

A few minutes later as I was holding him, he said, "Mommy, I was lying to you when I said I wasn't sad. I was very sad, I'm sorry for lying."

I wanted to get the point across to this tiny little human that God made us to live in community. He made us to celebrate with one another. He made us to grieve with one another. He made us to go through the mundane with one another. He made us to feel with one another. He made us to feel FOR one another. I didn't want to see a day when my son didn't care so much for another living being that it hurt him to see life being taken away. I want him to know that what he feels, God feels, too.

(When I use the phrase "life being taken away"....I am talking more than murder. I'm speaking of the life sucked away from poverty....or from doing nothing about it. I'm talking about the life stripped away from an individual due to harsh and hateful words. I'm talking about the life taken away when people objectify one another. I'm talking about the life stripped away when The Body doesn't step up and do Her job to those in need....whatever that need may be.)

Don't undermine the pain someone you know is going through. I could write for days on the hurtful words I've heard from God's own children regarding the grief I've endured through losing my Momma. But I won't. That's not about this. I want to talk about the other side of humanity.

I want to remind you that there are people who care. There are little Dylan's who grew up and still care about the power of life. There are people like my husband who love everyone they comes across in a self-sacrificial way, even those who treat them disgustingly. There are people like Hilarie who care deeply and stand by their best friend through the storms that come her way. There are Krystles who end up going to the doctor because they have sympathy pains for their grieving best friend so badly that they manifest into physical symptoms. There are Kelis that come visit and constantly pray and do random favors for her dear friend. There are people like my sister and her husband who do MANY things for their loved ones that go unnoticed by many. There are Jils who send their close friend a bragbook filled with precious memories from the years past. There are Elizabeths who are constantly thinking of her friend when she has grief of her own to carry. There are friends who come along and pick up the pieces of a family that was hurt beyond belief by God's people. There are friends that stick closer than a brother. They are still here. I promise you that.

The next time you see someone hurting, DO NOT close your door and pretend they aren't hurting. That absolutely WILL NOT make the hurt leave. Do something. If we're teaching our children to "Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.".....are we doing the same thing?

I'm thanking God tonight for those that love Him enough to follow Him, to serve Him and His children.....even when it's hard and uncomfortable.....and requires them to think of someone else before themselves.

"Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth."
-I John 3:18-

Comfort and Hope.

Where laughter is heard in abundance
And love is given by all around-
Where hate has been defeated,
buried deep into the ground.

In a place where leaves don't fall
And the flowers never fade,
In a place where hunger is no more-
And there's comfort in the shade.

Where pain is non-existent
And every soul has been set free.
Where joy and singing fills the air-
That's where I want to be.

My heart cries out for healing,
My soul cries for deliverance and security.
I'm hoping against hope that
Life will show us a sweet release.

The poverty that's on each doorstep
Has been carried away by love...
And the tears we've shed have been answered for
Nothing but sunshine from above.

There's no need for a springtime,
For winter and death won't ever set in.
There's love and acceptance, not hate and exclusion,
For His church learned how to love again.

There is no room for darkness,
Death is beaten by His empty grave.
Loved ones are all gathered 'round,
That's where I want to stay.

J.N.S. October 18, 2009


"Help me, O LORD my God; save me according to Your lovingkindness. And let them know that this is Your hand; You, LORD, have done it." *Psalm 109:26-27*

I admit that in my darkest hour, I doubt God. I cringe to even admit that. In just a handful of months, it’s amazing how life can mess with a person. I’m not talking about when we choose to live in sin, and things fall apart. (Though I, like I’m sure you are, am all too familiar with that…..but this is a different kind of falling apart.) I’m talking about the falling apart that happens around you, and you have absolutely no control over it. I’m talking about the falling apart that happens as a result of those claiming to follow Him. I’m also talking about death, which I think most of us have experienced. There has been a lot of change in our family lately, those of you close to us know all about it. I say that to say this. There are others grieving. There are others I love dearly, grieving for many reasons different than what I’m dealing with. I wrote this tonight on the heels of getting a text message from my husband yesterday. I really needed to hear this from him. Lately I have felt like evil around me has won. EVERYTHING around me tells me that. But I needed to remember that IS NOT the case. I needed to remember that even though things are so chaotic right now, GOD IS WITH US. I needed to remember that even though some things in our future seem so uncertain....that doesn't mean all hope is dead. And if you are going through something dark…..Remember. Thank you, my love, for reminding me of this. You inspired this poem. These are a few of the words Darryl wrote to me that started this very post……

“Things don’t need to stay like this…..We need to imagine the world that Jesus talked about and lived out constantly. And we need to believe that He is very much at the center of and entirely within that world of peace, love, care, justice, and compassion. He’s with us.” -My Love-



“I Remember”

I’m picking up the pieces now and
Trying to move on.
I’m living like You’re with me,
Even though it seems you’re gone.

I’m refusing to believe the hurt
That’s been handed to my heart.
I’m leaving behind this desert place…
Ready for a brand new start.

I’m not sure where You will take me
But I’m hoping to heal.
Though it seems you may be a fantasy,
I’m remembering that You’re real.

I will remember You through a broken heart,
I will remember you through the grief.
I will remember that You are my hope,
I will trust You for my relief.

I will remember You through the tears shed
I will remember You through the pain.
I will remember that though I lose all things,
I have Your Kingdom to gain.

I will choose to forgive the evil
Though it has ripped me to the core…
And even though there’s no apology,
I will forgive all the more.

I will remember You, though around me
Darkness seems to have won…
I will live as You said to live…
As though Your Kingdom has already come.

Jessica N. Schafer
September 28th, 2009

What good is love if it's
something we don't live?
What good is forgiveness if
It's something we don't give?

What good is abundance
If we will never share?
What good is honesty
If we're only putting on airs?

What good is integrity
If we hide our sin behind closed doors?
What good is compassion
If we don't give it anymore?

What good is friendship
If judgment and jealousy get in the way?
What good is encouragement
If it's something we never say?

What good is edification
When we're busy tearing others down?
What good is our faith
If we've buried it in the ground?

J.N.S. 08-26-09

"...but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people."
-I Thessalonians 5:15-