FROM LATE LAST NIGHT.

I’M TYPING AND IT’S STORMING. NOT TOO BRIGHT. I’LL TRY TO BE QUICK.
IT’S AMAZING HOW THIS LIFE CAN CHANGE YOU. I JUST WANTED TO SHARE A BIT OF WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN DECEMBER 3RD AND DECEMBER 4TH. DARRYL AND I HAD GONE ON A DATE, AND IT WAS SUCH A WONDERFUL TIME. YOU CAN SEE FROM MY POST ON DECEMBER 3RD THAT IT WAS A WONDERFUL DAY. WE ALWAYS HAVE GOOD DATES, BUT THAT PARTICULAR NIGHT WAS SO AMAZING. EVERYTHING WENT WELL, AND I TALKED TO MY MOMMA PROBABLY THREE TIMES DURING MY DATE. YES, WE TALKED ALL THE TIME. NOBODY KNOWS ME LIKE SHE DOES. OF COURSE, DARRYL HAS NEVER MINDED. HE’S ALWAYS ENCOURAGED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOMMA. ONE OF THE TIMES I CALLED HER THAT NIGHT, I ASKED HER IF I WAS BUGGING HER (KNOWING THAT I WASN’T, I JUST WANTED HER TO TELL ME IT WAS OKAY FOR SOME REASON). SHE SAID, “BABY, YOU KNOW I DON’T CARE. YOU CAN CALL ME AS MUCH AS YOU WANT”. AND WE GIGGLED ABOUT IT. SHE ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL WELCOME, EVEN WHEN I KNEW SHE WAS BUSY BEYOND BELIEF. SHE ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL LIKE AN AMAZING DAUGHTER. SHE WAS ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE I ACTUALLY BELIEVED WHEN SHE TOLD ME I WAS BEAUTIFUL. I REMEMBER SO MANY TIMES WHILE I WAS GROWING UP AT HOME, I’D LOOK AT SOME GORGEOUS MODEL ON THE FRONT OF A MAGAZINE, OR AN AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS, AND SAY, “MOMMA, ISN’T SHE PRETTY?”…SHE’D ALWAYS SAY, WITHOUT HESITATION, “NOT AS PRETTY AS YOU ARE”. I USED TO THINK WHEN I WAS YOUNG THAT SHE HAD TO SAY THAT. NOW I KNOW THAT SHE’D ALWAYS MEANT IT.

THAT SAME NIGHT, ON OUR DATE, SHE CALLED TO TALK TO DYLAN. SHE LOVED TO CALL HIM EVERYDAY, ESPECIALLY WHEN I WAS ON A DATE. THAT NIGHT, FOR SOME REASON, HE DID SOMETHING HE’D NEVER DONE BEFORE. HE KEPT ASKING, “NANA, AWE YOU OKAY?...NANA, AWE YOU OKAY?”…HE ASKED ABOUT TEN TIMES IN A ROW. SHE JUST GIGGLED AND KEPT TELLING HIM, “YES, BABY, NANA’S OKAY, I’M FINE”.

I SPOKE WITH HER SEVERAL TIMES ON DECEMBER 4TH, AND THE LAST TIMES WE SPOKE WERE AT 4:11 AND 6:08P.M. I KEPT ASKING HER WHAT SHE WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS, THOUGH I HAD JUST ORDERED HER AN AMAZING GIFT THAT MORNING FROM MYSELF AND MY SISTER. THIS TIME, THOUGH, SHE SAID, “I JUST WANT GOOD HEALTH, THAT’S ALL”. THAT WAS OUR LAST CONVERSATION.

I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I GO OVER THOSE LAST CONVERSATIONS, AND WISH I’D NEVER GOTTEN THAT PHONE CALL A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER.

WHAT WE, MY DADDY, SISTER, AND MYSELF ALL HAD TO GO THROUGH THE NEXT 11 DAYS WAS PURE HELL. I WON’T EVEN TRY TO DESCRIBE IT ALL. WE WERE ASKED QUESTIONS THAT NOBODY IS EVER PREPARED TO ANSWER. WE WERE FACED WITH DECISIONS THAT NOBODY IS EVER PREPARED TO MAKE. I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY THIS HAS ALL HAPPENED. AND I WILL ALSO NEVER TRY TO FIND THE ANSWER, BECAUSE I KNOW THERE ISN’T ONE.

I’M NOT SURE WHY I POSTED ALL THIS. MAYBE TO LET SOMEONE KNOW PART OF THE STORY. THAT IS ONE OF THE HARDER PARTS IN DEALING WITH THIS. THERE ARE TIMES WHEN ONE HAS LOST A LOVED ONE THAT THEY WONDER IF ANYONE ELSE REALLY CARES. THEY WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE AREN’T TALKING ABOUT IT. YET, AT THE SAME TIME, THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. ONE ALSO WONDERS WHY THE WHOLE WORLD DIDN’T STOP. WHY IS EVERYONE STILL GOING ON LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED? I JUST LOST A PART OF ME…DOES ANYONE CARE?.......THOSE ARE ALL FEELINGS THAT COME WITH THIS SORT OF LOSS. I KNOW MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS CARE. THEY CARE SO DEEPLY, THEY HURT FOR ME. AND THAT’S WHY I LOVE THEM.

ANOTHER FEELING THAT ACCOMPANIES EVERYTHING ELSE (AS IF IT ALL WEREN’T ENOUGH) IS THE FEELING OF BEING ALONE. I CAN’T TELL YOU ABOUT IT, I REALLY CAN’T EXPLAIN IT. I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY 20-50 PEOPLE IN ONE SETTING THE PAST FEW WEEKS, AND FELT TOTALLY ALONE. I HAVE BEEN HUGGED BY PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME AND FELT TOTALLY ALONE. I HAVE BEEN WITH MY DADDY, SISTER, HUSBAND, SON, AND FELT TOTALLY ALONE. THE ONLY WAY I CAN EVEN SORT OF PUT IT INTO WORDS IS THAT IT FEELS AS IF A HUGE PART OF MY BODY AND SOUL HAS BEEN AMPUTATED, AND NOW I HAVE TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GO ON, HOW TO LIVE, HOW TO STILL DEAL WITH EVERYTHING THAT’S STILL HAPPENING IN THIS LIFE WITHOUT THAT VERY IMPORTANT PART OF ME. THAT IS THE REALITY OF NOW FOR ME.

YET IN THE MIDST OF ALL THE SADNESS AND MOURNING IS HOPE. THERE IS THE HOPE OF KNOWING THAT I WILL SEE MY MOMMA AGAIN, AND THE NEXT TIME, WE WON’T HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE. SHE HAS ALL OF HER QUESTIONS THAT SHE HAD ON THIS EARTH ANSWERED. I WANT TO SHARE A FEW LYRICS FROM A SONG THAT HAS REMINDED ME OF HER THROUGH ALL OF THIS. WE HAD JUST BOUGHT THIS CD THE NIGHT OF OUR DATE, IT’S OVER THE RHINE’S “TRUMPET CHILD” ALBUM. IT MAKES ME GRIN TO HEAR IT, BECAUSE IT MAKES ME THINK OF THE GLORIOUS TIME MY MOMMA IS EXPERIENCING NOW, THE TIME THAT SHE WILL NEVER HAVE TO STOP EXPERIENCING. IT MAKES ME SMILE A LITTLE THROUGH THIS, AT LEAST KNOWING THAT WHILE I’M MOURNING HER AND I ALWAYS WILL, SHE MISSES ME…BUT SHE KNOWS WHAT AWAITS ME. THIS SONG IS ACTUALLY A LOVE SONG, AND I THINK OF HER LOVE STORY WITH THE LORD…

“BLACK FLAMENCO SHOES
DAHLIAS IN MY HAIR
GARTERS ON MY STOCKINGS
THE SIDEWALK BENDS TO STARE
I’M ON A ROLL

…….

AMBITION MAY BE BLIND
DIAMONDS COME FROM COAL
YOU PROVIDE THE RHYTHM BABE
I’LL PROVIDE THE SOUL
I’M ON A ROLL…

I’M ON A ROLL
JUST LIKE I OUGHTA
I’M ON A ROLL
I CAN’T BE BOTHERED
I’M ON A ROLL
I WANT THE WHOLE ENCHILADA
I’M ON A ROLL


I’M ON A ROLL, JUST LIKE I OUGHTA
I’M ON A ROLL, I CAN’T BE BOTHERED
I’M ON A ROLL, I WANT THE WHOLE ENCHILADA
I’M ON A ROLL, CINCINNATI TO ENSANADA
I’M ON A ROLL, FROM THE THRIFT STORE TO PRADA
I’M ON A ROLL, LA DA DEE DA DE DA DAH…
I’M ON A ROLL.