I John 3:18

All original content copyright Jessica Nicole Schafer, 2007-2016.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

A Thought of Comfort.

One of the most chilling thoughts I had after losing my sweet Momma was this:

What if I forget?

What if I forget the life we had with her?  What if I forget the sound of her voice?  What if I forget the way she looked, smelled?  What if I forget those moments with her that were so special?  What if I forget the ordinary days with her?

What if?

I still have those thoughts sometimes.

But what I've noticed about this life with grief is that I haven't forgotten.  I hear her voice ringing in my head sometimes like she were still here, though she is not.  I hear her laughter echo in my heart, though she is not here to laugh with us anymore.  I see her smiling face, though she is now gone.  I hold every thought of her so dearly, so closely, so tightly, so lovingly.

I have many moments when I remember the sweetest things about my Momma.  I have haunting memories.  I have happy memories.  Life keeps going on, and I keep going with it.

I think it was when we were driving home after her memorial service.  I was sitting there, darkness around.  I remember thinking of the deep pain inside that I'd never be able to describe.  I think all of my boys were in the car...my husband, son, and Daddy.  I remember thinking of the big emptiness that now lived within because of the emptiness she left around.  I thought of the vastness of LOVE.  I thought of how much I love her, my husband, our son, my daddy, my sister.  And like a waterfall bursting into my broken heart, I remember a whisper of a thought about my Momma.......

"She misses me, too."

I can't describe it, I can't explain it.  But that one thought has still brought me comfort after all these years.  If love really is *that* big, if love is "as strong as death", if love "never fails", if it truly is the *one* thing that lasts.......why wouldn't she miss us, too?

I believe in a LOVE that is bigger than what we see, feel, live, experience.  I refuse to buy into this idea that once we're gone, we forget all the love we were given on this place.  How cruel, and if that is true, what's the point of this life?

(N.T. Wright wrote a book called, "For all the Saints?".  He speaks a little to what I'm trying to put into words.  Honestly, it made this southern gal feel pretty dern smart to see some of my own personal thoughts explained through a theologian/scholar such as himself.  If you haven't read it, DO!)

Momma made her appearance into this grand world on February 7th.
On that day, I will take my husband and son out.  We will just be together.  We will go to a particular restaurant she always enjoyed. We may laugh, we may be somber.  Who can tell.  We will just *be* together.We will sit, we will eat, we will remember that she made a difference in our lives.

So much of a difference that we are here, in it, living.

I miss you everyday. I love you so much, Momma.  What a day of fun and celebrating we would have had if you were here with us on what would have been your birthday.  You are missed, and adored.  I know you know that.

I'm so grateful for her birthday.

We miss her, and I know she misses us, too.

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