A Space, and Haunting Thoughts.

I guess it's a little presumptuous to assume others will even care to know about my ongoing journey through grief.  Still, I write.

I can't get so many memories of Momma out of my head.  (And no, I do NOT think I need to.) There are days that are filled with happy memories that make me smile, days that I think of her laughter, days that I have a wonderful memory of her spending time with me. A couple of them that I think of often are when she'd grab my arm, laugh, and say, "I just want a little love bite!"...and she'd pretend to bite my arm.  And sometimes, she would actually (jokingly) bite me!  I'd laugh. She'd laugh.  (Yes, I do the same thing with our little Babylove!)  Another memory is of her pretending to bite my feet.  I know I had to have been a very young age, which is odd to me.  Because I don't have much of a memory of being a little girl.  But those moments have stuck with me.  (What's with all the biting, Momma?  I guess I'm just sweet.)  ; )

And then there are other memories.

Memories of the Deep Sadness, of her last days.
Memories of me looking forward to the future.....of having her be around to help me raise our sweet son, of having her around to answer questions I have about her childhood, about my childhood...of having her to share in the joy of mine and my husband's marriage.  She always loved to celebrate those things.  She always sent cards and flowers on our anniversaries.  I had so many dreams of doing fun things with all of us together, of being a wife and momma WITH my Momma.

These Haunting Thoughts happen often, so many things can trigger them.  And still, it can be nothing that triggers them.....they just float in and take up space in my mind.  Would I want to forget them?  No, never. Still, sometimes the pain is so deep.......all I can do is write about it, get through the moments, and keep going.

One of the Haunting Thoughts that I can't stop thinking about lately happened during sometime of her last year with us.  She was always so proud of my sister and me, and naturally, the grandbabies.  She was one of those "dote all she can, brag about them constantly, spend every second she could with them, show you every picture she has" kind of Nanas.  When my husband and I were visiting my parents one weekend, I remember her looking at our Babylove.  She was enjoying every second of him being there, watching him intently, and smiling.  She was soaking every second up.
She looked at me and said, "I sure hope I'm around to see them grow up, and to be a Great Nana!"...

It stings my soul to even type those words, because I don't think I've ever told anyone about that moment.  It was always so much of an intense thing for me to think of after losing her, and something I never could have even said without bursting into tears.  Because I burst into tears just now....and that was just typing it out.

I've learned to make space for these haunting thoughts.  I've learned that they will always be here.  Memory is such a beautiful gift, and often it is so full of pain.

I miss her everyday.
I picked up the phone to call her yesterday morning, I was itching to share all my excitement about our new homeschooling year.  Nevermind that she breathed her last in December of 2007, my very soul still wants to share in every joy I have with her.  When I'm sad, I want to talk to her.  She's my Momma.  It's more than instinct, my sister and I had a Momma that loved us, and we knew it.  We know it.

It's hard.
Some days are just hard.
A sweet friend of mine was asking about my Momma the other day.  I had a lump in my throat the entire time.  I was telling her my story, about losing Momma.  And then it hit me how long I've been going along.......without her.  Our sweet boy had just turned three when it happened.......he's now inching towards nine years old.  We've been given a raw deal.  She should still be here.  But she's not.

Life continues to happen, I'll age, we'll all keep going.  And one day I'll look back, and it'll be twenty years, and you know what?.......

I'll still have a lump in my throat, I'll still shed tears, I'll still need my husband to hug me, I'll still want her here.......and I'll still have space in my brain and my heart full of haunting thoughts.

And that is one of the ways of grief.

You sweet people who carry grief, you are not alone.  And if you don't carry it.......comfort someone you know and love, because I'm sure you know someone living with haunting thoughts.  Help be that person who creates a space for them to grieve.

June 28th, Decade-iversary!

Happy 10th Anniversary, My Love!

We've been married for a decade, together for longer.  I adore you, I adore us.  You make life sweeter, you encourage me, you're my best friend, you give me hope, we give me hope.  I love you.

I LOVE US!!!!!!!  

All it Takes is a Moment.

“To: Mom  Happy Mother’s Day 1993”

That’s what I’d written on the back of a piece of pottery when I was twelve years old.  I vaguely remember making it.  I’d seen it on the top of a bin as I’d been vigorously unpacking over the past couple of days.  I just didn’t want to move it yet.  When I finally got to that bin, I was fine.  Then I picked it up, turned it around…and read those words.  It wasn’t one of those fall apart moments this time, although one can never tell when those will happen.  However, I felt as if my breath had been knocked out of my chest.  The absence of our loved ones is ongoing…so why do people talk about grief like it’s a passing thing? 

We had just returned from our trip to Texas when we noticed the baby robins in a nest on our porch.  I’d been telling our sweet son to watch for that momma who was coming in to feed those babies every few hours.  It was such a special thing to see.  A day later while mowing the lawn, My Love told me one of the baby robins was flittering about in the backyard.  With our dog.  I immediately said, “Please go get it out!”.  Our dog is a cairn terrier, and he likes birds, squirrels, and anything else that breathes near the ground.  Not a moment later, Gus had picked that little baby bird up in his mouth.  As I watched my sweet husband coax Gus into dropping the baby bird, I felt some sort of hope for it.  He set the little sweet bird near me, and I stayed by it to see what I could do…….as if I had any idea what to do.  Immediately, I noticed it’s leg was broken.  I kept thinking of how I should get a box quickly, and start nursing it back to health….however I could figure out.  Or take it to a shelter.  Or anything else, my mind was racing for a fix.  As I watched, it kept pecking for a twig hear and there, and I just figured it’d be okay.  I stayed there, about to go get a box, and I saw that tiny little bird take a few longer breaths, and that sweet little head dropped.  Instead of getting a box to nurse it back to health, I found a smaller one and buried it in our yard.  This all happened under five minutes, but it seemed like a very long time to me.  I kept wondering why I was hyper-emotional about this, why I was standing there crying in our yard as I was digging a little spot for this brand new bird. 

My next thought.......that even in the midst of Spring, death enters in.

Not even hours later, we received news that a dear, sweet, wonderful man in our church had passed away.  We’ve only been here for under a year, but that is plenty of time to get attached to these wonderful people.  I kept thinking of all the times I’ve made coffee on Sunday mornings in our fellowship hall, and he was one of the first ones there so often.  That doesn’t hold a candle to the memories I know his loved ones will always have of him.  One thing I know for sure about him, when he spoke, all ears around listened.  He was a very special man, and I know his family and friends will miss him greatly.  May he find rest.

Grief goes with us.

Throughout my life, I have written. It has always been therapeutic for me.  Since The Deep Sadness of 2007, I have kept writing.  Sometimes it has been out of frustration, others out of dark sadness, other times because it was the only way to describe what was happening inside my heart.  I can only speak of my own grief, I can only speak of my experience.  I realize it is hard, I’ve said that countless times.  It is a tough thing to read about.  Let me tell you, it’s an even tougher thing to live with.  I will continue sharing these pieces of myself, hoping it helps others to  know they are not alone. 

I’m not an expert, but one thing I know about grief is that it refuses to be categorized, summed up, or put into “stages”.   Like many grand things in this life....love, God, marriage, children, tears, and laughter.....grief spills over out of the descriptive boxes we create.

Grief is a new way to live.

Feeling.

When I was a tender little girl, I was known in my hometown for my smiles and laughter.  I smiled, my big smile....I laughed, my VERY loud laugh....all the time.  I remember hearing how much people loved it.  I also remember being told to be quiet...my laughter was too loud.  That I needed to calm down, I was getting too excited.

Fast forward to now. 

I've poured my heart into writing over the past several years, especially after losing Momma.  I've shared my grief with whomever chooses to read, because I believe it is SO very important to share our stories.  I've shared my tears, my pain, the emptiness that enters in after losing a loved one.  I've been super transparent, many times more than I even cared to be.  I've been told I "grieve" too much, that I need to get over it.  I've been told that I dwell on it too much.  I've been told to move on. I've been told that my tears are too loud.  That I need to calm down, I'm getting too extreme.

I am thankful for a God who boldly disagrees with the mindset that I'm "feeling" too much.  I am thankful God gave us laughter, smiles, frowns, and tears.

I am thankful God created us to feel.

Because of feeling, we love.  We learn what is good, we learn what is bad.  We learn to identify those rare and precious moments, when we see pieces of Heaven.  We also learn to identify when pieces of hell are in our midst.

Because of feeling, we learn how to love.  We love our parents.  We love our siblings.  We "fall in love" with our spouses, and then experience love in ways we never expected.  We watch it grow.  We cling to our spouses, become even closer to them year after year.  We love them more.  We feel more.  

I am fascinated with how much our culture puts so much meaning into "moving on", "letting go", "getting over" the many things that life throws our way.

I don't know if I'm just a slow learner, or what.....but I always see God in the times that I'm living IN the moments.  When I'm really feeling the goodnesss, silliness, crazy love that happens in our family, with my husband and son, I see God.  When I'm laughing among friends, I see God.  When we partake in the Eucharist, I see God.  When we're sharing a table with loved ones, when I'm singing our sweet offspring to sleep, when my husband bends down to hold me, kiss me, tell me he loves me, I see God.  

When I'm hugging a friend who is mourning a loved one, I see God.  When I'm feeling the grief of someone else's loss, I see God.  When our son is crying, hurting, I see God.  When I see a person/group of people being oppressed and cast out, looking for a place to belong, I see God.  When I'm clinging to a memory of my Momma late at night, tears flowing heavily...I see God.  

When I read the Gospels, when I read the Bible, I get the idea that maybe we ARE supposed to feel.  I get the idea that being created in His image is a good thing.  I get the idea that our humanity, our compassion, our grief, our love for one another.....our FEELING is something that points towards God.

A Voice and an Empty Space.

He looks up at me countless times throughout the day-  “Mommy, do you think that’s true?  Momma, guess what!?!  Momma, look at what I made!!!  Whoa, did you see what I did??!” 

 He’s always excited about life.  Whether it’s another fact he learns about the many animals he’s obsessed with, or another piece of history, or something else so gross it’s sure to make me squeal…..he lights up.  And his very next reaction is to seek out my opinion about what he is saying or doing.  Even when he’s pushing the boundaries, having a bad day and just trying to see how far he can get, his eyes will fix on me, awaiting my response. 

It scares me sometimes.

Because I get it.  He wants to be affirmed.  He wants to be acknowledged.  He wants to know he’s doing something good.  Or, he just wants to get into trouble….because sometimes even negative attention will do.  It’s so natural.  We crave that guidance, that affirmation, acknowledgement, from the ones we love the most.  It can come from anyone, but what means the most is when it comes from the ones we are closest to.  In this big, scary, uncertain world….we just want to know we have a voice…that our loved ones hear-really hear-us.

And here I am, a grown woman who still wonders if anyone hears me, yet I now have the privilege of giving this sweet boy of ours his own voice in this world.  Dear, Sweet, God…help me not to hinder the voice that comes out of this little one’s being.

Quite naturally, it reminds me of my Momma.  I am so very thankful she heard me.  (No, she wasn’t perfect.  Nobody is.  And when we try to strip our departed loved ones of their flaws, we do a disservice to all of us involved.  It strips them of the divine gift of their humanity.  She was created to be her, even in her flaws.)  But thankfully, so thankfully, she was an amazing Momma to my sister and me.  It’s because of that very fact that we miss her fiercely, bitterly, wholeheartedly.  She was our Momma.  She gave me my voice.  She pushed me to be me, and nobody else. 

I can’t speak for others, but one of the most difficult things in living with the grief of her being gone is that I often feel as if I need to apologize for my grief.  Whether it’s not convenient to someone else’s day to hear about it, or it has been “long enough”, or it’s me….I often make myself feel that way.  That needs to stop.  That is the complete opposite of love….to shut up the hurts of those around us.  How dare we do that! 

Today, our offspring had to write a paragraph about somebody very special to him.  He wrote about me.  It was the most adorable thing ever.  Yes, my eyes were teary.  What has been etched into my heart is the last sentence he wrote, “But what makes her special is that she’s my mom.”  That is one of the most fabulous sentences I’ve ever read.  Because what makes our relationship with our son so fantastic is just that-----he is our son.  We are his parents.  What a sacred, special, wonderful thing. 

And she, though now gone, was my Momma.  I am her daughter.  When I talk about missing her, when I talk about being angry that she isn’t here, that I am so very jealous of other young daughters who still have their mothers around, when I think of how she'll never meet the rest of the children my husband and I have, when I just want to curl up in a ball because I can’t find the words to express the deep, dark, gaping, empty space that now exists due to her absence…..that is what I mean.  Exactly what our sweet boy thinks of me, which means the world to me.  I am so thankful she gave me a voice.  I am so thankful I am her daughter.  I am so thankful I am a momma, just as she was.  I am so thankful I will see her again one day.  I am so thankful we had a bond that nobody else will ever replicate. 

But when it comes to her absence, it will always hurt like hell.  I can never apologize for that.

 “…What makes her special is that she’s my mom…”

Rough Seasons and Hard Cries

"For what I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me."
"So I am allotted months of vanity, and nights of trouble are appointed me."
"Therefore I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul."
"I loathe my own life; I will give full vent to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul."
"If I speak, my pain is not lessened, and if I hold back, what has left me?"
"My eye has also grown dim because of grief, and all my members are as a shadow."
"My days are past, my plans are torn apart, even the wishes of my heart."
"It is God who has made my heart faint, and the Almighty who has dismayed me, but I am not silenced by the darkness, nor deep gloom which covers me."
"I cry out to You for help, but You do not answer me; I stand up, and You turn Your attention against me."
"When I expected good, then evil came;  when I waited for light, then darkness came. I am seething within and cannot relax; days of affliction confront me. I go about mourning without comfort; I stand up in the assembly and cry out for help."
"Therefore my harp is turned to mourning, and my flute to the sound of those who weep."
"Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my groaning.  Heed the sound of my cry for help, my King and my God, for to You I pray.
"Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am pining away; heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed.  And my soul is greatly dismayed; but You, O LORD--how long? Return, O LORD, rescue my soul, save me because of Your lovingkindness."
"I am weary with sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears.  My eye has wasted away with grief; it has become old because of my adversaries."
"The LORD also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble"
"He does not forget the cry of the afflicted"
For the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted perish forever."
"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day?"
"Hear a just cause, O LORD, give heed to my cry; Give ear to my prayer, which is not from deceitful lips."
"In my distress, I called upon the LORD, and cried to my God for help; He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry for help before Him came into His ears."
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Far from my deliverance are the words of my groaning. O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer; and by night, but I have no rest."
"Be not far from me, for trouble is near; for there is none to help."
"I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint; my heart is like wax; it is melted within me."
"But You, O LORD, be not far off; O You my help, hasten to my assistance."
"Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice, and be gracious to me and answer me."
"Hear the voice of my supplications when I cry to you for help, when I lift up my hands toward Your holy sanctuary."
"Lord, all my desire is before You; and my sighing is not hidden from You.  My heart throbs, my strength fails me; and the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me."
"For I am ready to fall, and my sorrow is continually before me."
"Since I am afflicted and needy, let the Lord be mindful of me."
"How blessed is he who considers the helpless; the LORD will deliver him in a day of trouble."
"Give heed to me and answer me; I am restless in my complaint and am surely distracted."
"Evening and morning and at noon, I will complain and murmur, and He will hear my voice."
"You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle.  Are they not in Your book?"
"Be gracious to me, O God, be gracious to me, for my soul takes refuge in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will take refuge until destruction passes by."
"Hear my cry, O God; give heed to my prayer.  From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I."
"For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined. You brought us into the net; You laid an oppressive burden upon our loins."
"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation. Selah."
"Save me, O God, for the waters have threatened my life.  I have sunk in deep mire, and there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and a flood overflows me.  I am weary with crying; my throat is parched; my eyes fail while I wait for my God."
"And do not hide Your face from Your servant, for I am in distress; answer my quickly."
"But I am afflicted and needy; hasten to me, O God! You are my help and my deliverer; O LORD, do not delay."
"You who have shown me many troubles and distresses will revive me again, and will bring me up again from the depths of the earth."
"Make us glad according to the days You have afflicted us, and the years we have seen evil."
"My heart has been smitten like grass and has withered away, indeed, I forget to eat my bread.  Because of the loudness of my groaning my bones cling to my flesh."
"I lie awake, I have become like a lonely bird on a housetop."
"For I am afflicted and needy, and my heart is wounded within me."
"My soul weeps because of grief; strengthen me according to Your word."
"I know, O LORD, that Your judgments are righteous, and that in faithfulness You have afflicted me."
"My eyes fail with longing for Your word, while I say, 'When will You comfort me?'"
"I rise before dawn and cry for help; I wait for Your words."
"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.  He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."
"I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare my trouble before Him."
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
"Sorrow is better than laughter, for when a face is sad a heart may be happy."
"My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all day long, 'Where is your god?'"
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ."
"For if He causes grief, then He will have compassion according to His abundant lovingkindness."
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
"Jesus wept."



There are times in life when all we have to offer is sadness, grief, and a broken heart.
For the mother who has lost a child.
For the family who won't have food to give their child dinner tonight.
To the couple longing for a child, struggling with infertility.
For the spouse grieving over the infidelity of their lover.
For the person who continues to be met with burden after burden, regardless of how hard they try.
To the lonely heart.
For the daughter who misses her Mother.
For the wife mourning her husband's death.
For the family left homeless, believing they have nowhere to turn.
To the child mourning her Father.
For the person living with a terminal illness.

You are not alone.

Be kind to those you know who are in pain, even yourself.

Instead of telling someone how they ought to be glad, ought to stop thinking about the pain, ought to be content or thankful, ought to get over it...having the humanity and compassion to be there for them could be life changing.

Who knows, feeling someone else's grief may help us deal with our own.

A Heavy Hope, and Carrying Darkness.

The soft, hopeful, lit up days of Christmas are heavy upon us.
Yet so many moments are hard, hopeless, and dim for one living with grief.

Five years is nothing.
How can this be?  That seems like such a long time.  I had a toddler when she took her last breath.  Now I have a sweet, independent, amazing, beautiful, intelligent, adorable, eight-year-old boy.  Still, somehow, it seems like only five days.  Five moments.  Five hours.

Five years.

I have learned to navigate through the darkness.  I have learned to own up to all the grief I will always carry in missing my Momma, yet still make it through the days I have been given.  How could I not?  It pushed me into a quick reality check of how precious our days are.  It jolted me into realizing how precious my family is, and beckons me all the more to pour myself into them with every day I am given.

I have learned to walk through the despair.  I can’t tell my story without telling about her, and losing her.  It is now a part of who I am.  How could it not be?  I am from her.  Her blood flows through my veins.  I am her daughter.  And like her, I am a mother.

I have learned that time doesn’t heal the pain of losing a loved one.  How could it?  To say that about a living, breathing, loved one, cheapens life.  Time doesn’t heal this kind of pain.  I’ve only learned to walk through each day carrying the darkness.  With His mercies, His comfort, and the comfort from those who love me, I hang on to the breaths I am still given.  I have realized they are a gift.

It will always be heavy. There will always be this dark cloud of grief surrounding me.  That doesn’t mean I stop living, it means I live all the more.  That is one way I honour her.

Yes, we are wounded, heavy-hearted, sorrowful, often lonely, and tears flow in abundance on some days.  And those tears don’t even do the heart justice!

But He also said we are blessed.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”  Matthew 5:4

Though I shake my fist at Him still, He holds me just the same.

This hopelessness I carry is born of hope.
This sorrow I carry is born of joy.
This grief I carry is born of love.

And though this may be hard enough for others to read…trust me, it’s even harder to write.  But I know I’m not alone.  And I write about this hard, indescribable thing called "grief" because it is, indeed, too heavy to carry alone.

For those of you living with grief, I write.

If Christmas does anything, it reminds me of the darkness He was born into.
 
“After hearing the king, they went their way; and the star, which they had seen in the east, went on before them until it came and stood over the place where the Child was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy.”  Matthew 2:9-10

*Without the darkness, they would have been lost.*

A Birthday Wish. (Edited)

My birthday is approaching, can I ask for something?  : )

In nine days, I’ll have been alive for 384 months.  That’s a lot of months!

Whether it’s needing a hug, needing someone to cry with us, needing a babysitter, needing financial help, needing attention…we are all in need of something.  That’s why we have one another.

This year, I am going to be super greedy, and ask for something from you (yup, you!) for my birthday.

Between now and my birthday, October 11th, would you please, pretty please, with sugar on top, fill someone’s need???

My husband and I believe wholeheartedly that if we have more of something, that means we were given that “something” to help someone.  Of course, we are only human.  Of course we don’t always notice.  Of course, we fail miserably so many times.  So then, we lean on the grace of Him and one another....because we all need grace.

But here’s your chance.  I’m asking you to give.  Your time, your money, your attention, your tears, your laughter, your forgiveness, your grace, your comfort, your hope, your faith, etc…..just give it away.  Without expecting anything in return.  At least one time.  To somebody that is truly in need of what you have to offer. And if you still have more of that something to give after that, then heckfire, find a second, third….and give again!

If you’re always looking for an excuse to help someone, to make a difference, here it is.

There’s a little ol’ gal in Missouri who is having a birthday soon, and I’m asking you to go and help somebody.

Just one person.

That’s all.

You don’t have to share your experience with me, or anybody for that matter.
But, if you do decide to let someone know, I would love to hear about what you do. So feel free to message me privately.

Thank you for reading, I am hoping to hear about many needs filled between now and my birthday, October 11th!  I’m so excited!!

Edited:
I want to mention one more thing.  There are always extremely hard times in life, sometimes the seasons last so long.  And we may never have answers for the hard times.  Sometimes, we don't have anything to offer besides our grief, tears, and broken hearts.  I want to suggest that if that is you, if all you have is brokenness, grief, frustration, anger, or tears......that is also a gift!  Offer it.  When we offer ourselves, just as we are, to Him and to those who are closest to us, it is STILL a gift.  It is never easy being vulnerable.  Sometimes grief and tears shared with our spouse, or our close friends, may help them deal with their own.  But it will definitely deepen the bond.  Those who love us most will always be accepting of our broken hearts.  Vulnerability, grief, tears, sadness, frustration, and doubts are also gifts that need to be shared.

"Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2


**“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.  Do not say to your neighbor, ‘Go, and come back, and tomorrow I will give it,’ when you have it with you.”  Proverbs 3:27-28**

Mommy-ing Without Her

*Disclaimer*

I feel inclined to say that I can’t, nor would I ever try to, speak for every motherless mother out there.  However, I am a firm believer in sharing our stories for the betterment of others.  I’ve said it before…I write for you, the one who is grieving.  I hope that pieces of my story will let you know you are not alone in your grief.

“Whoever survives a test, whatever it may be, must tell the story.  That is his duty”  -Elie Wiesel

There are too many things to mention  that cross my mind throughout the day regarding missing my Momma.  What can I say?  She was the best Momma ever.  I’ve talked about that before.  Here.  And Here. 

As we enter the beautiful, much adored , colorful season of Fall- I have to tell you, it is a struggle.  It always brings out more memories, happy pictures in my head of her….yet more questions, more struggles, more tears, and yes, more grief.  (Grief of a loved one is cyclical, it’s not a process that ends…it is a process to be lived through.) 

Fall is tough for me, personally, because we celebrate FOUR birthdays in two short weeks…..my sweet, favorite sister, her sweet oldest child, our wonderful Babylove, and then mine.  And of course, the fall season leads right into the holidays that deepen grief for most people I know.   Then….my sweet Biffuh has a birthday, which is the same day my Momma took her last breath.  This makes the friendship we have so precious to me, I am more thankful for that girl than she knows.  To say September through December are bittersweet months would be an absolute understatement.

At least daily, I wish she were here.  I wish she were here to sweep in, take this sweet grandson of hers out for a day to spoil him rotten.  I wish she’d sweep in and babysit so my husband and I could take some time alone.  I wish she’d call and tell me what a great Mother I am.  I wish she’d answer so many of the questions that enter my brain about her life, her childhood, my childhood, her dreams, etc.  I wish….I wish…I wish.  Of course, wishing all that isn’t abnormal.  When she was here, she did all that.  And I know there are other Mommas out there who have that, or who also wish the same things. 

When you’re used to that kind of praise (which I was, because when she wasn’t telling me how proud she was of me, she was telling me how proud she was of  my sister) you’re not quite sure what to do with the silence.  Not that we all need flattering words,  or need someone constantly building our ego, not like that.  But every person needs affirmation, especially from those they love the most.  Affirmation  molds us.  So many days I wonder…”Am I doing a good job?  Am I being a good wife?  Am I showing our sweet son how special he is?  Am I doing a good job mothering him?  Am I doing a good job homeschooling him?”….and the list goes on and on. 

In the book “Motherless Daughters” by Hope Edelman, (please read, it is such a great book) one of the doctors speaks about  the motherless mothers he worked with-

“…motherless mothers report higher levels of stress, sadness, and depression than other mothers do.  They also think of themselves as less competent in the mothering role than other women, are more preoccupied with their roles as mothers, are more focused on how well they’re doing, and, not surprisingly, frequently report they ‘feel different’ from other mothers.” (page 282)

Another expert follows up by saying that the mothers interviewed “were kind of hard on themselves [as mothers], but they seemed to be doing the good job they were afraid they weren’t doing.” (page 282)

**”…they seemed to be doing the good job they were afraid they weren’t doing….”**

I needed to be reminded of that today.

The months ahead will hopefully be filled with so many happy things.  New memories.  Birthdays.  Thanksgiving.  Christmas.  And there is so much to celebrate!  There will also be moments of grief, as you who long for your loved ones know. 

I’ll also say that seeing our sweet Babylove turn eight, and knowing I’m another year older in just a couple of weeks is really getting to me this year.  For many reasons.

I write all that, share all these parts of myself with you to let you know you’re not alone.  If you are like me, busy Mommy-ing without your Momma, no matter your age…..you are loved. 

Hang in there, keep going, keep grieving, keep hoping, keep laughing, keep crying, keep living.

“More than anything I have learned that we are all frail people, vulnerable and wounded; it is just that some of us are more clever at concealing it than others! And of course the great joke is that it is O.K. to be frail and wounded because that is the way the almighty transcendent God made people.”  -Sheila Cassidy-

“…so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope.”  I Thessalonians 4:13b

“Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”  Matthew 5:4

A Better Thing

I'm so weary from all the talking about who needs to do what, how we should all live, what the best line of thinking is.....and so on. Whether it is pertaining to God, politics, education, marriage, families, etc....I'm just tired of all the vast knowledge people feel they need to pass on to those around them, to enlighten them.

Talking is good, and needed.  We need to talk about life. But after a time, all the thoughts, opinions, and philosophies need to be actually lived out.  Because if they are not, they are useless.

Yes, education is needed. Yes, we need to listen and learn from one another.  But when I look around at the Church, politics, the academy, social media, etc.....all I've seen for years is people picking sides and trying to convince the other side how wrong they are on countless issues.  Instead of extending a hand (or even better, a heart!) of comfort to people experiencing any type of hurt...they are just told what they need to do to "fix" themselves.

*Ever notice that the assumption is always that the other person needs fixin'?  When in reality, the other person needs lovin'!*

"Well, if you would just *fill in the blank*, then you'd *fill in the blank*!"
(Translation...."Well, if you would just do what I think you need to do, then you'd get the result I think you need to get!")

Want to know one of the reasons I'm so drawn to this Jesus?  From what I know about His story and His life, He was compassionate.  He cared for those who were hurting.  

He let those who were busy telling everyone else how they ought to be living continue to argue amongst themselves.....and He just kept doing His thing. He lived.  Even for the ones who "knew better" than He did. (Yes, he still did have MANY conversations with them....I often wonder if He knew most of them wouldn't budge on their beliefs...)

I'm tired of the talks.  I'm tired of all the over-analyzing of every issue over and over again.  There IS a time to talk.....and there is also a time to LIVE.  I just want to live.  I want to do what it is I've been given.  I want to live out these priceless days that are numbered, with this husband and son I've been given.  I want to breathe in every beautiful moment with them.  I want to do the work we get to do, together. To get through the days we are given together.....


My Love often says, "Let's just start a new conversation...."
Yeah.  I think that's a good way to do an old thing....L O V E one another.

I'm just tired of listening to all the arguments.  I'm not joining in anymore.

**There are better things to do.**

Like this--

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another."  John 13:34

And this--
"Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity." Colossians 3:14

And this.--
"Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ."  Galatians 6:2

A Silver Story.

If it’s not make-up, vitamins, or medicine, it’s camera tricks that so many are wanting to make themselves believe they are younger.  We try to look younger, feel younger, act younger….and the media spends millions feeding our distorted fantasies.  In turn, we feed that machine.  Silver hair?  Color it!  Wrinkles?  Make-up! Or better yet, go ahead and just get a facelift!  Parts of your body drooping?  Get the surgical enhancements that will make you look 21!  Dress to look younger!  Buy the latest cream and apply liberally to wherever you’re wanting to tighten right up!

In my case, the irony is that most Hispanic people look younger.  It’s true.  My Daddy is 60, but looks much younger.  My sister is eight years older than I am, the woman is beautiful.  Could pass for ten years younger than she really is.  Admittedly, I’m often told I look way younger than I am.

But as I looked in the mirror today, I spotted a silver hair.  Then a second one.  Most people I know would cringe.

I love them.
Let me tell you why.

My Momma unexpectedly, tragically, passed away in 2007.  (seems like a a day ago….yet 20 years….such a paradox)

My sweet, amazing, wonderful, loving husband took me down south to OK/TX to visit my Daddy, his wife, and my Grandma.  She’s my only living grandparent.  It was so much fun.  I am always missing them, wishing they lived closer.  I adore taking our sweet Babylove to see his PawPaw and Nonna, and his MiMi.  He’s always asking about them.  I love telling him stories about them, telling him stories about my hometown, and his Daddy’s hometown.  I love showing him the places we often went to, the cotton fields that wreaked havoc on my allergies.

Yet every time we go, I can’t help but feel those same daunting, overwhelming emotions…the bitterness, the anger, the sadness, the frustration.  I’m “supposed” to be taking him to see Her, his Nana.  And all there is to see is a tombstone with her name on it.  It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

It never was.  We weren’t created for death.

I miss her.  We won’t be able to see her grow old.  We won’t be able to see those precious wrinkles appear on her beautiful face.  All we have are pictures, memories….stories to tell.

Grief is a heavy load…one that we’re never able to put down.  Nor are we expected to!!  Love is just *that* way.  Love lasts.  So naturally, grief lasts.

For all the time that many spend wanting to turn back the clocks of their bodies…..I want to spend my time embracing this body’s clock.

I want to L I V E these days with this amazing husband, this wonderful son.  I want to embrace this time we have, to live out our story together.  I want to be able to tell our sweet son stories about his Momma and Daddy.  Our love story.  Our family.  I want to be able to tell him about when we were little.  I yearn to hear Her tell me the same things about herself.  Often, I just want to call her and ask questions about myself when I was a little girl.

We learn to find ourselves when we’re told these stories from those who love us most.  There’s so much emptiness when we’re not able to do that anymore.

As time keeps passing, I’ll live in the moments.  Of grief, of sadness, of despair and tears…..of happiness, joy, of dreams and laughter.

I want to keep seeing these wrinkles arrive on my face.  Sure, I only have a few now.  I only have a couple of silver hairs.  But I want so much more time with these humans!

They are precious.  I am so in love with them.  I love Us.  I want to keep aging with them.  Because it’s more than many people are given.

With each wrinkle, every silver hair….we have more time to live our story together.

Don’t buy into the lies of turning back the clock. Rather, just turn with it.  The age old cliché is true; time is precious.

My Beloved.

Happy, happy, happy 9th anniversary, My Beloved, My Best Friend!!!!!!!



I would like to say, "I love you!"-
But that won't really do.
I can't seem to find language rich enough
To describe what I feel for you.

I've seen the sickness of innocence shattered,
I've felt the loss of death's cold door.
I've been without a place of my own,
I've been broken, depressed, and poor.

I've stared my best friend in the face
as she laid there taking her last breath
I've held the hands of the maternal
As she crossed over to another land.

I've felt hurt from close friends
Who've betrayed and turned away,
I've seen loved ones scar you deeply
So much more than words can say.

I've felt life inside my womb,
The beating heart of a fragile child.
I've seen his spirit so full of life,
One that is hopeful, free, and wild.

I remember saying our vows,
Through cracked voice and eyes full of tears.
I remember the feeling of knowing
We would have each other through all fear.

I look back and don't see how I
Would have made it through some days.
You being here and loving me
Has kept so much more hurt away.

You've always been so loving,
Always faithful, comforting, true-
Never because you felt it a duty,
Simply because you have wanted to.

Each time life takes another twist,
And brings another change our way,
I'll hold onto you, my husband...
The love we share will grow each day.

So, "I love you, you're the greatest,
My soul lights up when you are near!"-
Those words don't come close to describe
The love I have in here!!!

Jessica Nicole Schafer
October 2010



I look forward to the rest of our lives together.

I love Us.

I love you, My Beloved.

BUT...

Life can often hurl (jackhammers?  chainsaws?  shuriken? silver bullets?) curve balls our way.  Usually, we do not anticipate them coming.

If you're breathing, I'd be a bettin' woman that you've experienced them once or twice.

Lord knows I've had so many dreams and goals.  Some of the biggest ones I've had were laid to rest with The Deep Sadness.  Others, I cling to....even though life seems to keep winning, time seems to strip away the dreams that linger in my very spirit.  Still, I hang onto them--many days, barely able to keep them in my grasp. Even when loved ones may try to prevent the dreams that hold us....we have to remember they were placed within us for a reason.  We have to hang on, even when EVERYTHING and EVERYONE around us say they can never happen.

There is something to be said for pushing through, and making your dreams happen.  There is something to be said for changing the way we see things, getting out there and altering our circumstances. For taking control of life, and getting out of it what we want.

BUT… here's the exception to that school of thought;
There are countless things in this life that we canNOT control.
There are some things we can't conquer, because try as we may, what is happening is NOT in our hands.
…But in His.

So, some of us wrestle.
I have wrestled with this God for countless nights.  I have shaken my fist at Him.  I have cried bitterly--asking, begging, pleading for Him to JUST DO SOMETHING!!!
Regarding most of my prayers, the biggest ones, the dreams....the very ones He placed within me......I am STILL WAITING.  I'll even be transparent enough to say there are moments I look in the mirror and ask with tears streaming down my cheeks, "What are you doing, Jes?  Why are you still holding onto this dream?".....

Foolish?  So I’ve been told.
Hellish?  Indeed.

BUT……
Faith can be foolish.  “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

Hope can be hellish.  "…for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." Romans 8:24-25

God help us, we NEED faith and hope.

I would much rather err on having faith and hope that this Divine, Loving, Comforting, God will reach down, wrap his arms around me, and answer the prayers I've been incessantly crying out to Him for years...

Than to let go of Him in defeat…

I would much rather have moments that are so full of darkness, full of His absence, laden with fear, drenched in my tears of frustration....asking that brown eyed girl in the mirror why she's foolishly clinging to a dream that seems to never be realized----than to look at the reflection of  my smiling lips....
But empty eyes.

Wrestling with Him has been the theme of the past five years.  That’s quite a long time.  And I believe it was Him who started this…….
But I believe we will continue together.

I need faith and hope.
I need that foolishness.
The foolishness of faith and hope keep me waking up every day.

They keep me pushing on, in spite of life clawing its way towards the inside of my very soul.
They keep me from passing down a legacy of callousness, numbness, unfeeling, and shallow living to our son and future children.

The craziness of faith and hope keep me sane!!!

I love that irony.

(Or maybe they keep me crazy....you’ll need to ask my husband about that one.)

Either way, I'll continue on this frightening, chilling, sorrowful, tear fallin', faith-filled and hopeful journey.......

I can't help BUT do it.

I’d much rather be crazy in my faith and hope that He will answer my cries, than to never cry again.  Because when I’ve stopped crying out to Him, I’ve stopped wrestling with Him…and I’ve stopped dreaming.  To ignore the dreams He put in me would be to ignore Him, and I can't bring myself to do that.

I’ll continue to cry out to Him how all around me makes it clear these dreams will never happen, until He answers with, “But now, my daughter…”

I’m either that hopeful, or that crazy.
Time will tell…

Loving Ours with Our Lives.

There are days I want to (ring someone’s neck? toss a brick at someone’s head?...) scream when I hear some of the heartless words tossed about when a person doesn’t dare want to walk a moment of grief with me (or anyone else, for that matter)…. “Move on, get over it, time heals all wounds, find something to keep you busy, focus on the positive and ignore the negative”…blah, blah, blah.

It’s such an empty notion, right?  “Hey, your Mom’s dead.  She is no longer living.  You will never see her again. You will finish your days here without her.  She will never see the rest of her grandbabies that you have.”

No big deal, just get over it.  (Translation: “Or simply quit mentioning it….it’s too hard for anyone to explain, so quieting you is an easier alternative!”)

It will always baffle me.  I, a griever, am expected to move on as if unchanged by the absence of the one who carried me in her womb.

It’s toxic.
It’s such a toxic, lifeless, heartless thought to tell someone who will forever live with the great amputation of their loved one.

Still, while the fifth Momma’s Day without her creeps up…I weep.  I weep for her.  I weep for that ear to hear my heart, as only a Momma can.  I cry out for that voice that will tell me I’m doing great at this thing called “life”….that voice to soothe my aching spirit on those days  I really don’t think I can bear anymore with a simple , “Everything will be okay”…

Still, my heart is broken….because I know it will only be mended from this hurt when we are reunited.
Naturally, I ponder being a Momma to our sweet, sweet, brilliant, crazily awesome, Babylove.  I think of the wonderful, loyal, brilliant, amazingly HOT husband I have been given.

And all this hurt, all this grief, all this brokenness, all this LOVE…..it makes me all the more milk every delicious, beautiful, blessed moment I am given with this husband and son I get to live for.

It makes me remember when my husband told me just after the Deep Sadness, “You have every right to grieve for her, you both had a relationship so filled with love that it only makes sense to hurt this much…”
So I will spend all my energy, every bit of it, loving on this Loving Husband of mine, and our Offspring.  I will love them with a love that can’t be tamed.  I will remind them of how valuable, amazing, and adored they are by me.

Don’t you see??

It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about being a momma, daddy, husband, wife, son, daughter, or friend…….

It doesn’t matter if we live in a box on the side of the highway, or a mansion by the beach…

It doesn’t matter what language we speak.

It doesn’t matter what job we hold, what titles we have, or do not have.

It doesn’t matter if we bring home six figures a year, or have to depend on others to feed, house, and clothe us…

What matters is how we spend our days, how we invest our time in our loved ones, our closest ones, those relationships that will never be replaced.

Do we get it yet?....We are all born with this same skin, and we all have days that are numbered.

HOW we spend those days, how we love our spouses, children, parents, friends…….

THAT is what will always matter.

THAT is what will echo love to the world.

THAT love…..that love is what will remind our loved ones, as well as those around us, of a God that wildly desires to pursue us, pouring out His love on each and every one of us.

THAT is the LOVE we should be giving.

THAT is how we live out this vision of the Body of Christ.

Husbands and wives, marriage has a huge part in that.

And for whatever reason we are not…….use your time now to fix it.

LOVE your spouse.  LOVE your children. LOVE your family.

Because for now, as long as we have breath…it’s NOT too late to pour yourself into them.



 “The rich and the poor have a common bond, the LORD is the maker of them all.”  Proverbs 22:2

“Marriage is to be held in honour among all…”  Hebrews 13:4

“FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:31-33

“Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

"By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:35

My Birthday Love

My Love, My Best Friend, My Husband…

 It’s your birthday in a few hours.

 I just want to remind you of your awesomeness.

 I can’t help but spend time with you, I love you.

 I can’t help but always invest my days in you, I love you.

 I can't help but kiss you, I love you.

 I can’t help but share myself with you forever, I love you.

 I can’t help but talk about how wonderful you are, I love you.

 I’ve told you before. I’ll say it again. I’ll always remind you.
  I love you.

I’m beyond grateful that you decided to let it be me who spends the rest of your life with you… I’ll always do all I can to remind you how much I love you, and how special you are.

  Happy birthday to my always loving, always caring, always loyal, always witty, always brilliant, always HOT, always very tall Husband. 


I love Us.


 I love being One with you.