Untitled Lament.

I’ve seen many eyes roll,
And many shake their heads
When I speak of my grief,
How my Mother is dead.

And I STILL have a hard time
Putting those words together-
Because in my mind,
Her days would end never.

Some have said to be strong,
Don’t talk about it, don’t cry.
And all the while I’ve wondered
A great big, fat WHY?!?!?!

Why would I not talk,
Why would I not feel?
As if I ignored it, the pain
Would be less real???

And if I stopped my grieving,
It would bring her back again?
If I just shut my mouth,
The hurting would end?

If I just didn’t mention
The heartache and sorrow,
If I just didn’t cry,
She’d come back tomorrow?

Grief was meant to be carried.
By one another, and shared.
When we don’t help each other,
We all wind up scared.

Our hearts become hardened
By our unfeeling souls…
And instead of being warm,
We’re known for being cold.

If you know someone hurting,
Let them know they’re not alone,
And that you’ll help carry their burden,
Though their loved one is gone.

I’ve had a handful of people
Who’ve carried my grief with me,
And I can’t put into words
How it’s affected me deeply.

Though you may call this grief a weakness,
HE still calls it strength,
For if we have never loved,
Our hearts would never break.

Jessica Nicole Schafer
11-30-10

Holiday Ponderings.

I haven’t been able to sleep well in…honestly….going on three years.

Since December 4th, 2007, to be exact.

It amazes me how I STILL put these expectations on myself regarding grieving Her. “I shouldn’t be so sad”….”I shouldn’t have such a hard time during Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries…”…”My lows shouldn’t be so ‘low’”….”I should be able to think about Her without missing her so much that my heart breaks all over again”….

Why do I do that? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a combination of what other people have told me through the years, and maybe it’s a little bit of myself, too. Either way, let me tell you, I’d never wish this sort of grief on my worst enemy.

I think about what we’d be doing right around now. We’d be planning on what to bring for our family’s Thanksgiving get together. I’d be talking with her about Dylan’s Christmas wishes. We’d be talking about Carmen’s kid’s Christmas wishes.

I’ve written before about the red coat she got for me that last Christmas. I’ve still not worn it. For some reason, I can’t. It hangs with the tag still on it.

I still lie awake around 2:00 a.m. wishing I could just talk to her. Even for a few minutes. I miss her laugh. I miss hugging her. I miss the way she’d always wink at me…..ohmygoodness that made me feel so special.

I still go to my phone to call her when anything cute, sad, hilarious, or crucial happens throughout my day. I want to text her again. I want…..I want….I want…….

It’s been three years next month. Let me tell you, time heals ABSOLUTELY NO WOUNDS.

I guess for me, the biggest thing I’ve learned about grieving is that it doesn’t end. How could it? How could I ever get over the absence of my Momma….the one that birthed me, the very one that put in me a desire to be a wife and Momma…the one my heart breaks for every. single. Moment?

Grief doesn’t end. I grieve, but not without hope.

I’ve not had a Christmas wish list since she’s been gone. She always used to tell me, “I don’t want a thing! As long as I have my family, that’s all I want!!”

That’s been my wish every day. Every Christmas. Every Birthday since she’s been gone. Only now, I TRULY know what she meant when she said that.

Happy Thanksgiving, Momma.
We miss you with words that can’t be explained. You left a huge absence that is filled with love, laughter, grief, and longing.

A New Day Will Come

A new day will dawn at
a moment's notice-
The hurt you've been handed
will all disappear.
A new time will come
when justice is upon us,
Where you'll live
in freedom, not fear.

Those tears you've been crying
in private,
Will be answered for,
and you will see...
That the hell you've endured
on this side of Heaven
will have nothing
on eternity.

All the times you chose love
instead of hate-
Even when hate is all
some of them ever gave...
Will be rewarded,
and you will have hope again,
What they've done will be
buried deep in the grave.

All the times you didn't
understand why
Life kept handing
you disappointment and despair...
Will be replaced with new
indescribable life,
More than you'd ever be
able to share.

Keep on forgiving instead
of hating,
though they know exactly
what they do...
Keep showing grace in
place of the hate
that is continuously handed
to you.

Keep right on giving with
all you are even though
others choose not
to live that way...
Keep loving and trusting,
be faithful and pure,
even when hope seems
so far away.

Keep your heart fully
in the long journey,
For one day we will all
be set free-
To that place where
there is no hurting or fear...
And hatred and death are
nowhere to be seen.

J.N.S. October 27th, 2009

Can't Find the Words.

I would like to say, "I love you!"-
But that won't really do.
I can't seem to find language rich enough
To describe what I feel for you.

I've seen the sickness of innocence shattered,
I've felt the loss of death's cold door.
I've been without a place of my own,
I've been broken, depressed, and poor.

I've stared my best friend in the face
as she laid there taking her last breath
I've held the hands of the maternal
As she crossed over to another land.

I've felt hurt from close friends
Who've betrayed and turned away,
I've seen loved ones scar you deeply
So much more than words can say.

I've felt life inside my womb,
The beating heart of a fragile child.
I've seen his spirit so full of life,
One that is hopeful, free, and wild.

I remember saying our vows,
Through cracked voice and eyes full of tears.
I remember the feeling of knowing
We would have each other through all fear.

I look back and don't see how I
Would have made it through some days.
You being here and loving me
Has kept so much more hurt away.

You've always been so loving,
Always faithful, comforting, true-
Never because you felt it a duty,
Simply because you have wanted to.

Each time life takes another twist,
And brings another change our way,
I'll hold onto you, my husband...
The love we share will grow each day.

So, "I love you, you're the greatest,
My soul lights up when you are near!"-
Those words don't come close to describe
The love I have in here!!!

Jessica Nicole Schafer
October 2010

Momma-part two

This is the second part of what a dear friend asked me to do, which is write about my Momma, and my relationship with her. Thanks for reading.

One of the most bittersweet things to realize is that I still HAVE a relationship with her. Though she is now gone...the mother/daughter bond remains. Ahhhh...the circles we motherless daughters run in. Though she is here.....she is gone.....it's a neverending, heartbreaking circle in this life without them. Not to mention the fact that those sweet women who didn't have a great relationship with their mothers, or may not have even known their mothers....still yearn for that relationship. I could write about this for days. I'll save that for another time, though.

As I mentioned, the ties are still here. And the way she Mothered me still affects me every. single. day. It has made ALL TOO REAL to me the BIG job of being a Momma. It is an everlasting bond.

My Momma had a job outside of the home. She mentioned to me many times that though she DID enjoy working, she wished she could have stayed home with us. I think for me, that is why I have chosen to do what I do. I don't get a paycheck every two weeks. I'm not on salary. However....you couldn't pay me enough to stop doing what I do. So in an ironic way.....her working outside the home, which was what worked for my Momma and Daddy.....had a huge factor in my choosing what I do.

Another thing that has affected my whole family's life thanks to Momma was the way she encouraged me...as I've mentioned before. When we were pregnant with our sweet Babylove, I mentioned homeschooling. I was scared to talk about it with many people, because so many people have STRONG opinions. I talked to her about it, and the first thing she did was talk about how she knew I could do it if that's what we decided to do. Immediately I felt that familiar "you can do anything" feeling that she always instilled in me. I love thinking about that. I know our decision also affected several of our friends, giving them hope in homeschooling their children. To this day, our lil' boy is thriving in our little school. I really believe my Momma's encouragement has a huge part to play in giving me the hope of knowing our family can do this.

If I may, I'm going to back up a bit to when my amazing husband and I were dating. Momma and Daddy both instantly loved him...and my sister did, too. (He was called "Uncle Darryl" way before he was actually an Uncle.) :) Both Momma and Daddy encouraged our relationship, and thought VERY highly of Darryl. It really is a good feeling when one's parents love the person they're dating. It speaks volumes, actually. Parents always want what is best for their children....so it did my heart good. I never had a reason to call my Momma and complain to her about my husband....because he's never given me a reason to do so. Needless to say, losing her had a huge impact on Darryl. I can't speak for him, but I know part of the reason he's been able to carry my grief with me is due to the grief he, himself has carried.

Another thing about my Momma that my sister can agree with is the love she had for her grandchildren. I could write for days on that. She just thought the world of them. And Dylan was C R A Z Y about her. He would literally double over with laughter, squeezing his fists together whenever we got to see her, and say "It's NANA!!!!!!!"....and laugh like crazy after he said it. :) She had that affect on people....and I miss that.


There is an unspoken language for motherless daughters.....we are often very hard on ourselves, wondering if we're doing things "right". We are often lonely. We are often angry. The smallest thing can trigger our longing to have our Mommas back. When I see little ones Dylan's age out with their grandmas, when I hear a child say, "Nana!".....when Dylan tells me he misses her....it is the worst feeling ever. It is an ache that I would never wish on the cruelest person. I remember the look in Momma's eyes when she talked about my Grandma after she was gone. It was a look that I didn't understand until December 2007. Seeing my Momma miss her own Momma after she lost her helped me know it is okay to show how much I miss her. It is indeed a wound time will never heal, counseling will never fix, and no amount of tears will be able to cover. It is definitely a grief I know I will always carry. Until all is made new.

The one thing I've been thinking about so much over the past year is that I can't replace my Momma. As much as I'd love to find somebody to Mother me.....there is nobody else. Let me be clear....there are many who I know love me, and I know who they are! But there is not, nor will there ever be another Momma. She is gone for now. One day, I will get to have her back....and she will get to have us back.

Until then, I will learn to live with this HUGE VOID that can only be filled with her.

**Thank you again for asking me to write this. You know who you are.**

My Momma (Part One)

At the risk of diving into what will certainly pull out many feelings (good ones, that is....just emotional) I was asked by someone I love VERY much to write a post about my Momma. To write about the things that I love about her, our relationship, etc.

Keeping in mind that a person's writings are only a SMALL glimpse into what is in their mind/heart.....one would never be able to put onto paper all the things they know/feel about another person. (This fact fascinates me.....because the Bible is only PARTS of what we know. It isn't exhaustive. That definitely CHANGED the way I read the Bible.) Just wanted to put a little disclaimer....this is only small parts of the wonderful life experiences shared with my Momma. From my point of view. Enjoy.

She was always encouraging to me. I can't remember how many times I heard, "You can be whatever you want to be"....and things like that. She supported me. I always knew she was "in my corner". I remember having a BAD experience with an ex-boyfriend and knowing she was just as upset as I was made me realize my feelings DID matter. (This fascinates me, because so many times we try to downplay other people's feelings, thinking it'll make what they feel go away...and in reality it will only deaden others as well as ourselves....but that's a whole other subject...) She let me cry when I needed to. Even in my teenage years, when I knew she didn't understand what I was going through....you know, because she'd never been a teenager herself. ;) How my heart aches when I think of the times she was carrying my hurts with me....and I didn't even know it. And now, as a Momma myself, I've realized we hurt even more than our child does during any sort of pain they have....physical or not.

Looking back, now that I think about it, she always encouraged me to be ME. I never felt her pushing me in any certain direction, she supported my decisions, and wanted me to know who I was as an individual. Even when I was becoming an "adult" and I BEGGED her to make my decisions for me....she wouldn't. She would listen, talk about things with me, but she always made it clear that in the end, I needed to be the one making the decision, whatever it was. That mere fact has helped me so much....everyday. It stretched me, and helped mold me into a wife, Momma, and every other hat that I wear. Thank you, Momma.

I also idolized my big sister. (And still do, of course. Hi, sister.) Everything she did, I wanted to do....and I ended up following in most of her footsteps. She never compared us though, she always loved(s) us both so much.

My Momma always made me feel beautiful. I have always struggled with self-image. In my head, I am the MOST unattractive girl EVER created. She always told me I was beautiful, though. I remember picking up magazines with beautiful models on them. Salma Hayek is my idol. I remember her being on the cover of one I was reading....and I said, "Momma, LOOK at her. Is she not the MOST beautiful woman you've ever seen!!??!?!" She responded, "Not at all, I think MY girls are the MOST BEAUTIFUL!!" And you know what? I know she meant it. She wasn't trying to make me feel good, she believed that with all her heart. The way SHE saw me, though I still disagree, helped me know how loved I was, and how adored I was. The fact that SHE believed in me helped me believe in myself tremendously....and that still has a hand in who I am today, and how I mother our sweet son.

There's so much more, I think I will need to split this piece into two parts.

I realize there is a part of people who will try to make their loved ones look like Saints. This is normal. However, I want to be clear that when I do write about Her, it's reality. Yes, I fought with my Momma. Mainly when I was in high school. I rebelled in a big way. Though at times I wish I could change those few years....it was a part of our relationship. Seeing both my Momma and Daddy embrace me even when I made FOOLISH decisions that hurt me.....the way they always loved and always had open arms....THAT echoes the Gospel to me, and STILL does.

In a very odd, ironic, bittersweet way......my Momma's believing in me has helped me know how to grieve through her absence.

I've never thought about that until this very moment.......

Thank you friend, for asking me to post this. It helped me so much. I hope it encouraged you, too.

Second part to come.

I'm Trying.

My Momma's untimely, unexpected, tragic death.

Loved ones ripping my husband apart....and causing more damage than they'll ever know.

Countless friends enduring pain in their marriages.

Heard "no" too many times over the past two years to even count. Whether it be from people, or from God....the "no's" have been winning.

Watching loved ones struggle through various trials.

Being hurt deeply by those I called "friend".

Still looking for a place to belong.


One may say, looking over the past couple of years that I'm strong. That I've "hung in there, endured, kept the faith".....I beg to differ.

The truth is, I'm weak.

I can't do this alone.

If it weren't for my amazing husband, son, sister, Daddy, and amazing friends who've been by my side through the past "desert season" I've been in....I'm not quite sure I'd still be standing.

And Him. Of course. I have gone 'round and 'round with Him for so long....I have asked question after question. I have yelled at Him, cried desperately to Him, brought the pieces of my broken heart to Him time after time over the past thirty months.

And I know He's okay with that. He loves me...oh how He loves me.

But I have to admit...I get scared to death when I think about some things.

And here's the kicker; I don't get scared because of what MIGHT happen.......I get scared because of what has ALREADY HAPPENED.

Yeah, go figure.

One would think that after going through Hell in more ways than one, due to circumstances beyond our control, and finally being in (what looks like) the other side, that now I'd be oh so full of hope, happiness, joy.

I'm not. I can't explain it. I think it's because starting from December 4th, 2007...SO MANY of my worst fears have happened. Those close to our family know what I'm speaking of. And every. single. time I've thought good news was headed our way...we've been handed even worse news. It seems like the only light at the end of the tunnel has been a dream...one that won't be coming true.

Today, I'm just at a loss. Yes, I have faith....of course. I recognize the fact that faith is more than just "I believe"....it's "I will keep pushing through the murky, lifeless water in spite of it drowning me"....I know that. I now recognize that faith is so much more than what we think it is. It has taken my husband and other loved ones to remind me of that.

There is potential good news on our horizon. So many good things could happen, and very soon.

But still, I have been finding it hard to hope....can you blame me?? Everytime I've held out hope recently, it's been for naught.

I am trying, Lord help me, I am. I am trying to believe that He will be bringing my family to a place of healing, restoration, new life, and answered prayers.

Until then, I will still be holding my breath.

I saw this the other day, and it's stuck with me. For me, it's HUGE. Because if you've EVER been in a prolonged place of heartache, sorrow, grief.......simply getting out of bed in the morning takes every piece of strength one can muster. Simply moving on through the days is a triumph...when one could so easily shut down...








I am proud of that. I am proud of myself for getting through all of this. I just hope with all of myself that I won't have to be "getting through this" much longer.

And you, thanks for reading. Writing brings such healing to me. Maybe it's "getting it all out".....or maybe it's knowing there are people out there who care. Either way, thank you.

There will be a HUGE sign posted in our new home one day that reads:

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. Psalm 126:5-6"

Amen.

Until then, I will still be trying to keep hope.

Breathe Again.

In a couple of moons, I will be turning thirty. 30.
My life is nothing that I thought it would be at this age. It's a milestone, yes. For me, it's so much more than that.
It has opened up some fresh wounds and heavy sorrows that I've been carrying around for many months now.

In so many ways, I still feel like a little girl. And yes, I'm sure to many people, including my Daddy and sister, I still am. ;)

I still crave hearing my Momma tell me what a great job I'm doing being me....I know nothing will ever replace hearing her tell me she's proud of who I am.

When The Deep Sadness happened, I was still a new mother. My lil' Babylove had just turned three years old. I was still learning so much....had so many questions about Motherhood, and still do. HOW I needed her....and still do.

I think if maybe all the hellish circumstances my husband and I had faced in the past two years had happened at a different time, I would have been much stronger. But that, which I'd never wish on any person, coupled with losing Her, has just left me unbearably heartbroken.

So here I go, I've been holding my breath for quite sometime now. I've been carrying around sorrows that have happened to my family regarding my Momma, people who've hurt us deeply, and effected our very livelihood...and so much more that I won't bore you with.

*DEEP BREATH*

So, Hello thirty.

I hope that you will be kind to me. I hope I can keep hoping...because this despair that's been upon my family and beyond our control has taken a lot of light out of my eyes. I hope that you bring new life, in more ways than one.

I hope, that for once in a long time, God will reach down, pull me out of this murky, lifeless water....wrap His arms around my family and myself, and let me breathe again.

Happy 30, me.
I hope you're proud of me, Momma. Actually, I know that you are.....it just hurts not being able to hear it.

A birth story.

I don't think I've really ever shared my Babylove's birth story. Here goes.

My husband and I were VERY pleasantly surprised to learn we were pregnant when we'd been married for eight months. We were seven weeks along. The SECOND we found out, we were OVERjoyed, and of course, I called Momma and Daddy first. You couldn't take the smiles off of our faces. We weren't "planning" (ha,ha) a pregnancy, but so happy with the news.

A few days later I was rushed to the ER due to bleeding. I had no idea what was happening, everything happened so quickly. We saw my doctor, heard all sorts of things, ran all sorts of tests. When we were home that night it hit me when I realized what the doctor meant when he said, "You're only seven weeks along, all you can do is relax and hope for the best".... They thought we were going to lose the baby.

We were scared out of our minds. Within a week we went from extreme joy to extreme fear. So, we waited. And prayed. And I did a lot of crying.

What made things scarier was that two very dear friends of mine would suffer miscarriages around this time. Our hearts were so heavy for them, and we tried to make our way through the very long days.

After a period of time, things seemed to look better for our pregnancy. Though we would sit on pins and needles until this new life were out of the womb, his little life grew and grew. I went through all sorts of feelings of guilt after what our friends went through, fear of wondering if we'd carry him full-term, and you can imagine the things that went through our minds and hearts.

Our son thrived.
He grew and grew and well.....grew so much that they decided at one check-up to do a c-section because he grew TOO MUCH. :) He was due near my birthday, but they took him two weeks early, the day after my sister's birthday. (Keep in mind I'm 5'1", Darryl's 6'7"....a dear friend compared it to a chihuahua having a doberman's puppy...)

An added joy was that my Momma and Daddy happened to be visiting the weekend they decided to do the c-section. I am so thankful they were here.....


Dylan James Schafer entered the world at about 12:45p.m. September 28th, 2004.

The world has been much brighter since.

He has brought so much joy to our hearts, laughter to our mouths, and hope to our spirits. He is a miracle. I am fully convinced he is one piece of Heaven we see daily....especially considering what our family has endured over the past two and a half years.

He is wonderful. I can't describe just how wonderful. As I've said before, some things are just too wonderful for words....my husband, my son....they are some of those "things".

We celebrate you, Dylan James Schafer. You are wonderful. You are so bright, and full of joy. You are brilliant, and you have a heart full of compassion and mercy. You laugh a lot, and it is your laughter that lights up my heart.

What joy it is to watch my son grow, love, and get to know the God who gives life.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OUR SWEET SON!

Grieve Freely.

Over the past two and a half years, I've written so much about grief. Quite honestly, in the beginning, it was the only safe place for me-aside from only a few dear people in my life. They know who they are. I've written before on the GREAT need for us to learn to comfort others....and I am a firm believer that we have to face our own issues, embrace our own hurts, or we will end up squelching ourselves, AND others if we refuse to do so. That has been a big part of my experience. I've heard it all. I've been belittled for expressing my grief. I've been told to "get over it". I've been told it's not that "big of a deal". I've been told to "put a smile on my face and move on". I've been told that maybe if I change my perspective,it wouldn't be so hard. I've heard loved ones being told things things just as hurtful, as well. As you sit there reading, I'm almost positive your hurts have been squelched before, and I apologize for that. There is R O O M for grace. Those hurtful, heartless, selfish things we've all heard before by people who DO know better, they are forgiven. I choose to extend the same grace everyday that is extended to myself by Him. How could I not? He freely gives it....even to those who we think don't "deserve" it. So that same grace is given even to those who have scarred my already broken heart.

However.......

I think often in life, some evils need to be called out before they will ever be acknowledged and then changed. This is how I feel about our lack to grieve for ourselves and one another. I will never stop writing, talking, crying about my own grief.

My Momma is dead.

She is gone.

She should still be here.

There is no explanation for this.

There is no quick-fix band-aid answer that will explain it all away. I cannot enroll in a twelve step program, because I don't have an addiction. This happened to our family. It is a burden placed on us, and I will forever grapple with the effects, as will my Daddy, sister, and all my Momma's family and friends who miss her. So though I have spent many months feeling guilty for simply grieving, those days are gone. I will give full vent to what has been placed in my life. To ignore it would be to ignore God, to ignore the reality He, Himself has placed us in.

I will write, feel, grieve, hurt, love, heal.....for myself, for my family and friends, for other motherless daughters, for any hurting hearts out there who feel alone. Those precious people are the reason I do this.

Maybe you are one of those who has experienced the brutal, dark, calloused remarks of others......maybe you have been one to give those remarks. Sweet child of the Most High....He never intended us to live as robots. He gave us this life, and often it is full of hurt.....His OWN life was full of heartache. Don't ever fool yourself into believing that turning off your emotions is trusting Him more.......when we do that, we lie to ourselves, others, and Him.

For over two and a half years, I have tried to put into words the way I've been made to feel.......and I finally realized it days ago. The picture below came to mind. It is hard to look at, it was even harder to draw. It has been my reality. Let me also mention, this picture is for you.....I hope you see the great fallacy in it, the hurt in it, the hatred in it......so you can move on, and freely grieve, as I have. I guess this is my way of giving you "permission" to grieve freely.

For I truly believe we are MOST like Him when we are MOST HUMAN.......embracing humanity is embracing Him.

You are loved, you who are hurting and grieving for whatever reason.....you are not alone. I will use my days to honour you, to lift you up, and I will not be ashamed of grief any longer.....I hope the same for you.

Can't find the words.

I would like to say, "I love you!"-
But that won't really do.
I can't seem to find language rich enough
To describe what I feel for you.

I've seen the sickness of innocence shattered,
I've felt the loss of death's cold door.
I've been without a place of my own,
I've been broken, depressed, and poor.

I've stared my best friend in the face
as she laid there taking her last breath
I've held the hands of the maternal
As she crossed over to another land.

I've felt hurt from close friends
Who've betrayed and turned away,
I've seen loved ones scar you deeply
So much more than words can say.

I've felt life inside my womb,
The beating heart of a fragile child.
I've seen his spirit so full of life,
One that is hopeful, free, and wild.

I remember saying our vows,
Through cracked voice and eyes full of tears.
I remember the feeling of knowing
We would have each other through all fear.

I look back and don't see how I
Would have made it through some days.
You being here and loving me
Has kept so much more hurt away.

You've always been so loving,
Always faithful, comforting, true-
Never because you felt it a duty,
Simply because you have wanted to.

Each time life takes another twist,
And brings another change our way,
I'll hold onto you, my husband...
The love we share will grow each day.

So, "I love you, you're the greatest,
My soul lights up when you are near!"-
Those words don't come close to describe
The love I have in here!!!

Jessica Nicole Schafer
10-07-10

Invitation.

I had a conversation with one of my favorite people today. I’d call her one of my best friends, and that’s true enough, but really, it’s SO much more than that. There are only a couple of gals I feel close enough to share my very soul with, and she is one of them. She said something that really stuck in my head. We were talking about an upcoming party, and she said, “I think sometimes people just need to know they’re invited, and they’ll show up…”

Interesting. It immediately made me think of all the impressions I’ve been given by those calling themselves followers of Him. It also made me think of the times I’ve been judgmental, myself.

So, Body of Christ, are you “inviting” or excluding others to His table?

When we tear one another down, for whatever reason we try to justify doing so, are we inviting them?

When we tell someone they are not “believing” right, (which always means they’re not believing like us…) is that inviting or excluding others?

When we tell someone they are not affiliated with the “correct” political party, (even though the world is much bigger than America…..) are we inviting or excluding people?

What about when someone hates us, and we hate them back in return…….inviting?

What if we exclude somebody for how they dress....is this inviting?

When we exclude someone from His church because of where they live……inviting?

But what if they just don’t “get it”….they keep sinning over and over and over again…..shouldn’t we cast them aside?

What if their skin isn’t the right color?

What if they hurt us? In ways that are irreconcilable? Shouldn’t they be disinvited?

What if they aren’t American? What if they’re a terrorist? Surely they’re not invited to His table, right??

What if they’re too “liberal” or the opposite, too “conservative”? (These terms always crack me up….nobody can truly define them. It’s different for each person.)

What if they are homeless…or the direct opposite, they own too many homes?

What if they’re homosexual?

What if they are immigrants???

What if they don’t speak English, the “chosen” language??

Is anybody picking up on the sarcasm??

How DARE we, for any reason, have the audacity to exclude any person from His OPEN invitation?????!!!!!?!?!?

Church, we have to stop the hatred. We SAY “love one another”…but we do NOT, as a whole, live this way. Don’t believe me? Read the news. Or better yet, talk to somebody who isn’t part of a church, and they’ll tell you. There is a reason we are known more for what we hate rather than His life-giving, comforting, encouraging, L O V E.

His invitation, regardless of what anybody says, is for everyone. E V E R Y O N E.

If they have breath, if they are human, He invites them.

But the question is…….are WE inviting them?? Because we aren’t required to “get it all together” and THEN come to His table. We are to simply come. Dear reader, there is always hope. We can change this. It all starts with one word: L O V E.

So, are you known for excluding those who are made in His very image?

Or are you known for sending out an invitation to the table that He, Himself, has set?

L O V E

Dear Fear,

When I was a little girl, I used to be so afraid of what might happen to my Momma and Daddy. I don’t know where these thoughts came from. I would pray night after night that God would protect them and keep them here with me, letting them have healthy and long lives.

Then the unthinkable happened. I was Momma to my sweet little three year old boy, still waiting to have more children, still needing my own Momma for so many things. Still hoping she’d be here throughout the births of my other children, still looking forward to talking on the phone with her everyday since I didn’t live near her. And just like that, my worst fear happened. Her life was tragically ended. I will forever grieve that amazing woman…but I know this is not the last word…for in Him I have the hope of being reunited; because of L O V E.

I was forever afraid that I would end up with a husband who did not treat me well. I don’t know where this came from, either. I just didn’t believe I was worth much, I guess. Then God gave to me the most amazing gift ever, my husband. He has forever been loving, faithful, encouraging, and a shining example of what God’s love is to me. Our marriage has been the bright spot through this season of darkness; because of L O V E.

I have watched people I thought were our friends tear us down in their judgmental ways. I have been abused by the very ones I loved. BUT I have been blessed to find out what true love is in the midst. I have realized in an even bigger way that I hurt for these people who have treated my family miserably. They need help. They need to understand His love before they are able to give it. I hope one day they realize that, and reach out a hand to the God who is Love. They are forgiven; because of L O V E.

After going through so many hurtful things over the past two and a half years, especially since last summer, I was so scared my family would still be searching for community and a place of our own. Here we are, still searching. We stand here hurting, wounded, often alone, wondering what will happen in the future. Yet, we are still pressing on; because of L O V E.

Guess what, Fear???

We ARE still standing.

We have survived my biggest fears…and lived to tell about it. I have survived the deepest wounds, and I press on.

Though I carry the scars to prove the battles I have endured, that is all they are…..BATTLES.

You will not win. You never have. You have already been defeated in the mere fact that I am sharing my story. My victory is in Him. Though He could have changed many things, He is still the One who holds my family. Though you still whisper falsities into my ears….EVEN through His very children sometimes, I know you are full of lies. For even through the heartache, despair, loneliness, and hopelessness…….L O V E has already won, and L O V E will prevail.

Signed,

A loved one.

"We, the Faithful"

We have the answers. We are the faithful ones.

We won’t allow any outsiders. We already have it “right”.

We know those who are living in poverty are there because they deserve it.

We know those who don’t have blessings are just being taught a lesson.

We know the ones hurting are not as blessed as we are, so we hope they change into our way of thinking.

We know we are the privileged ones.

We know we are entitled to every blessing because we have earned them.

We don’t need someone coming to change things. Different is NOT welcome.

We insist you do things our way, for there IS NO OTHER correct way.

We know the secrets, and will remain faithful to what we know to be right.

We will not listen to this man who claims to be the Messiah.

He is too close to those who are accursed. He loves the very ones we hate.

We will indeed win and crucify him for his blasphemy.

We will flex our muscle and show everyone who’s in charge.

We will show everyone that POWER is what brings about truth.




Sound familiar?

In their very hard-heartedness, in their judgmental ways, self-righteous minds, they missed the very One who came to them out of love. What they didn’t know was that in submitting His very life to the powers that were, their crucifying Him only fulfilled His grander plan. And they didn’t even realize He was also doing it for even them….the very ones who hated Him.

Church, we have to stop living this way. Look around. We are known more for being affiliated with a certain political party, for hating any sort of outsider, whether they are a different color, religion, race, denomination, or heaven forbid a foreigner tries to come in our midst. If another doesn’t “believe” the way we do, vote the way we do, we deem them an outsider who just doesn’t “get it”.

We are known in a big way for hatred. For trying to claim power. For silencing anything that doesn’t sound like “us”.

BUT….there is GOOD NEWS. We can change this. Let’s remember that as long as we have breath, there IS hope.

Let’s have a hand in beautifying what is broken….instead of killing what is already bleeding.

Today.

If you know our story, which is pretty much a story of sorrow, closed doors, and hurting…..then you can appreciate more than anything what I’m about to say.

I feel encouraged today. I can’t say it will last….I don’t even know what the next ten minutes will bring, much less the next ten months. But I will say this….my family has gone from one form of a desert to another. And there have been many reasons to stop. When serving a church affects you emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, and even financially….you just may have every reason to give up. When you give your life over to serve a church that in return does not treat you so well…..you are probably even justified in quitting. I have talked so much about the story of Job. I can identify with it. (NO….my story is not the same as his…none of our stories in this life line up, but there are definitely similarities and we can learn from one another both then, and now.) I’ve learned through the story of Jesus and Job that very unjust things will happen in this life. I’ve learned that those who say they love Him will often be the very ones that hurt one another the deepest. I’ve learned that the crying I’ve done almost every night for the past three years has not been done alone. I’ve been comforted in this deep sorrow, though NOTHING around our lives has changed…..I’ve been comforted by Him, my husband, my son, my sister, and many close friends who know very well who they are.

I’ve also been reminded that God believed in Job. That’s one of the biggest themes of that story. God, Himself, had a big part in the heartbreak…”Have you considered my servant Job?...........Behold, all that he has is in your power, only do not put forth your hand on him.” (Job 1 verses 8 and 12) Throughout the story, we see his friends come in for seven days (which is relatively a long time) BUT…..when they can’t find an answer for Job’s suffering, they immediately start to pin the blame on Job, himself. Trust me, this still happens today. I’m sure many of you have been there. However, through it all, Job cries out….he remains faithful. He remains faithful in JUST THAT: by crying out to God…relentlessly. He remains faithful by simply STILL going to God. He remains faithful by hurting to the fullest. Oftentimes we think if we can just ignore the pain, remain busy, hide the hurt….then we will win out.

That was not the case for Job.

To deny the heartache, sorrow, grief, loneliness, depression, and despair that God, Himself, had a hand in- would undermine the VERY thing God was trying to do. I think one of those things trying to be conveyed in this story is to let everyone, including Job, know that GOD BELIEVED IN JOB. Despite the pure hell Job endured, he felt the pain, the sorrow, for all it was worth…..by doing that very thing—HURTING—he was being faithful. I think another point to this story is that we can NEVER undermine the plot around us. A friend told me recently that she wishes I could find a way to be happy, because it hurts her to see me so sad…and maybe if I could find a way to do that, it would change things around me. She said this out of love, for she knows the hurts my family has endured. I shared with her that I can’t just “grin and bear it”. If I were to ever do that, I believe it would be being unfaithful to WHATEVER IN THE WORLD it is that God is doing in our lives.

I say all that to say this:

I feel encouraged today. Not because anything has changed. Not because all my prayers have been answered. But simply because I am reminded of Job. God believed in him, that he would do the right thing. He did. Throughout the whole story, he hurt, wailed, cried out, begged for God to do something….and he endured through the pain. He never ignored it. He never denied it. Yet he still cried out to God…which I believe with all my heart is another way to worship Him. (Psalms teaches us that.) I have done that very thing. I will still do that very thing. I could give you every reason why I have to give up, and trust me….you may even tell me I’m a fool for pressing on. Some days I have ALMOST told myself that very thing.

But amidst the turmoil, the unwarranted pain, the sorrow, the loss….

God believed in Job.

He believes in my husband and myself.

And guess what?

HE BELIEVES IN YOU.

We are to believe in Him, true.

But let’s never forget He ALSO believes in us…..as individuals, and as His children.

For me, for today, that has made a big difference.



“Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?” Job 2:10

“Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.” Psalm 126:5
**I often quote this verse…it brings me more comfort than I can explain.**