Today.

If you know our story, which is pretty much a story of sorrow, closed doors, and hurting…..then you can appreciate more than anything what I’m about to say.

I feel encouraged today. I can’t say it will last….I don’t even know what the next ten minutes will bring, much less the next ten months. But I will say this….my family has gone from one form of a desert to another. And there have been many reasons to stop. When serving a church affects you emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, and even financially….you just may have every reason to give up. When you give your life over to serve a church that in return does not treat you so well…..you are probably even justified in quitting. I have talked so much about the story of Job. I can identify with it. (NO….my story is not the same as his…none of our stories in this life line up, but there are definitely similarities and we can learn from one another both then, and now.) I’ve learned through the story of Jesus and Job that very unjust things will happen in this life. I’ve learned that those who say they love Him will often be the very ones that hurt one another the deepest. I’ve learned that the crying I’ve done almost every night for the past three years has not been done alone. I’ve been comforted in this deep sorrow, though NOTHING around our lives has changed…..I’ve been comforted by Him, my husband, my son, my sister, and many close friends who know very well who they are.

I’ve also been reminded that God believed in Job. That’s one of the biggest themes of that story. God, Himself, had a big part in the heartbreak…”Have you considered my servant Job?...........Behold, all that he has is in your power, only do not put forth your hand on him.” (Job 1 verses 8 and 12) Throughout the story, we see his friends come in for seven days (which is relatively a long time) BUT…..when they can’t find an answer for Job’s suffering, they immediately start to pin the blame on Job, himself. Trust me, this still happens today. I’m sure many of you have been there. However, through it all, Job cries out….he remains faithful. He remains faithful in JUST THAT: by crying out to God…relentlessly. He remains faithful by simply STILL going to God. He remains faithful by hurting to the fullest. Oftentimes we think if we can just ignore the pain, remain busy, hide the hurt….then we will win out.

That was not the case for Job.

To deny the heartache, sorrow, grief, loneliness, depression, and despair that God, Himself, had a hand in- would undermine the VERY thing God was trying to do. I think one of those things trying to be conveyed in this story is to let everyone, including Job, know that GOD BELIEVED IN JOB. Despite the pure hell Job endured, he felt the pain, the sorrow, for all it was worth…..by doing that very thing—HURTING—he was being faithful. I think another point to this story is that we can NEVER undermine the plot around us. A friend told me recently that she wishes I could find a way to be happy, because it hurts her to see me so sad…and maybe if I could find a way to do that, it would change things around me. She said this out of love, for she knows the hurts my family has endured. I shared with her that I can’t just “grin and bear it”. If I were to ever do that, I believe it would be being unfaithful to WHATEVER IN THE WORLD it is that God is doing in our lives.

I say all that to say this:

I feel encouraged today. Not because anything has changed. Not because all my prayers have been answered. But simply because I am reminded of Job. God believed in him, that he would do the right thing. He did. Throughout the whole story, he hurt, wailed, cried out, begged for God to do something….and he endured through the pain. He never ignored it. He never denied it. Yet he still cried out to God…which I believe with all my heart is another way to worship Him. (Psalms teaches us that.) I have done that very thing. I will still do that very thing. I could give you every reason why I have to give up, and trust me….you may even tell me I’m a fool for pressing on. Some days I have ALMOST told myself that very thing.

But amidst the turmoil, the unwarranted pain, the sorrow, the loss….

God believed in Job.

He believes in my husband and myself.

And guess what?

HE BELIEVES IN YOU.

We are to believe in Him, true.

But let’s never forget He ALSO believes in us…..as individuals, and as His children.

For me, for today, that has made a big difference.



“Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?” Job 2:10

“Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.” Psalm 126:5
**I often quote this verse…it brings me more comfort than I can explain.**

Eyes to See and Ears to Hear

DEAR CHURCH,



I left you to do My job.

Why isn’t it getting done?

I left you to fight hatred.

Why are you fighting for it instead?

I left you to take care of the poor.

Why are they still suffering from poverty and hunger?

I left you to take care of the widows.

Why are they all still alone?

I left you to care for the orphan.

Why do they still feel unloved?

I left you to love the unlovable.

Why are you hating them?

I left you to embrace the outsider.

Why are they being cast aside?

I left you to encourage.

Why do you discourage?

I left you to do justice for the oppressed.

Why do you judge them instead?

I left you a world to care for.

Why are you destroying it?

I left you to live out My Gospel.

Why do you twist My words for your own personal/political gain?

I left you to usher in My Kingdom.

Why do you choose to usher in your own?

I left you with knowing that the love of money is evil.

Why do you choose to love it more than Me?

I left you to love your enemies.

Why do you rip them apart instead?

I left you to be united.

Why are you divided?

I left you to spread hope.

Why do you spread despair?

I left you to forgive one another.

Why do you harbor bitterness?

I left you to seek wisdom.

Why do you settle for ignorance?

I left you to be faithful to me and one another.

Why do you betray instead?

I left you to be truth for one another.

Why do you spread lies?

I left you my Holy Spirit.

Why do you constantly squelch it?

I left you in knowing that love conquers all.

Why do you hate in your words, actions, and inactions?

I left you to be My hands and feet.

Why are you sitting down?

I left you to be a light.

Why are you known for darkness?


I left you….yet I am still with you. I created you in My image. I still believe you will do the right thing. Go, and do it.


Signed,

A Broken Heart



by: Jessica Nicole Schafer
July 21, 2010

It Ain't Ice Cream

"Maybe if you just looked at things differently, it would change your life."

"Maybe if you just stopped thinking about all the bad, it wouldn't 'seem' so tough."

Sound familiar?? I've heard many things like this before. Admittedly, there is a kernel of truth here. However, there are times in life when it does nothing but rub salt into the wound. I've been there lately. Ever been there yourself?? I was thinking the other day about how sometimes people don't want to face the truth about the hard, hurtful, sorrowful things that they, themselves are enduring, much less what their loved ones are going through. I'm sure over the course of my life, I've been guilty of this. I hope it's not something I'm still guilty of. I am reminded of Job. And even moreso, of Jesus. "Hey, it's NO BIG DEAL, Jesus!! It's only a CRUCIFIXION!! Change Your perspective, and maybe it'll downplay the hellish circumstances You're in!"....think that would've helped at all?????

WHY do we do this with one another, when He, Himself NEVER did?!?!?!

I think sometimes we do this because seeing someone hurt or suffer for a long time is just too hard to handle. We can't find a reason. So people begin to think like Job's friends..."Well, they must have done something wrong." And we see in Scripture that is not always the case. Sometimes we think the hurt is too hard to face, so we turn away. Derek Webb put it best in one of his songs, "I don't know the suffering of people outside my front door, so I join the oppressors of those I choose to ignore. I'm trading comfort for human life, and that's not just murder, it's suicide...".

When we turn our back on pain, on hurt, on grief, on the oppressed.....I believe we turn our backs on Him.

My point, to put it quite simply, is this;
you can pile whipped cream, sprinkles, and a big ol' cherry on a pile of manure.....but trust me, that won't make it ice cream! It'll still smell and taste of what it truly is.....nothing sweet at all.

I know I've needed reminding of this lately. And by the way, I am indeed thankful for my amazing husband, and our loving family and friends who have and are living out the Gospel to us during this season in the desert...they are great reminders of the comfort that Christ offers.
They "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." -Galatians 6:2-

You who are hurting...you who are aching....you who are torn up on the inside through no fault of your own.....you who are weary....you who are hopeless......you who are poor.....you who are lonely......you who are despairing.........

I have something to tell you.

I am sorry for the times that others have minimalized your pain. Because HE DOES NOT!!!

We serve the God who hurts alongside us, even though He may be able to prevent the pain. We serve a God who cries with us. As I've mentioned before, He even catches our tears. (Psalm 56:8) We serve a God who is FOR the oppressed. I hope that gives you strength....if even for a moment.

And by the way, you are not alone. This 5'1" wife/momma/sister/daughter/friend is right there with you. Sometimes the pain is too much to carry. This is why He is here, and also why He gave us one another. Until my family gets out of the desert, I will do all I know to do, and that is worship Him, serve Him, my family,and His children, remain faithful....and HURT to the fullest. There are sometimes in life when that very thing, HURTING, will somehow bring honour to Him....for whatever reasons He is choosing to allow the pain. Even though we may never fully know...

"So am I alloted months of vanity, and nights of trouble are appointed me. When I lie down I say, 'when shall I arise?' but the night continues, and I am continually tossing until dawn............My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle, and come to an end without hope." *Job 7:3-4 &6*

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation. Selah." Psalm 68:19

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him." Psalm 126:5-6

"I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare my trouble before Him." Psalm 142:2

"For the LORD takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation." Psalm 149:4

"I know that the LORD will maintain the cause of the afflicted and justice for the poor." Psalm 140:12

"How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will you hide Your face from me?" Psalm 13:1

"As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; and you will be comforted in Jerusalem." Isaiah 66:13

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:3-4

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it." I Corinthians 12:26

"For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ." II Corinthians 1:5

"casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." I Peter 5:7

The Power of One.

You wash the peanut butter crust off of the plates.

You spend hours studying His Word.

You rock a sweet child to sleep.

You write words that affect people for the good.

You clean rears.

You hug someone who is crying for her departed Mother.

You preach sermons that move one’s soul closer to Him.

You feed a hungry person.

You cry tears of hurt for another person’s sorrow.

You put a band-aid on a wounded knee, and kiss it to make it better.

You clean the socks that are drenched in sweat and dirt.

You listen to a friend who has nobody else to listen to her.

You give a home to the homeless.

You hug your Mommy and in doing so kiss her soul.

You pray relentlessly for your friend who is engulfed in grief.

You carry your spouse’s grief and sorrow.

You laugh with your husband.

You teach your child to read.

You remain faithful to your spouse.

You take care of the orphan.

You suffer hardship.

You lift up the downhearted.

You love the unlovable.

You don’t change who you are to appease the masses.

You touch the untouchable.

You love those who persecute you.

You pray God will send you a spouse because you’ve been waiting so long.

You wake up each day and do your best for those you love.

You offer worship from your weary soul.

You wash dirty feet.

You wonder if anyone notices your hard work.

You catch the tears of someone who is hurting.

You hug the hurting rather than judge them.

You fold and put away the laundry for the thousandth time.

You set the table again.

You clear the table yet again.

You wash the crayon marks off of the table.

You sacrifice your wants for other’s needs.

You comfort your brother who is caught up in his sin.

You believe in the midst of hopelessness.

You carry a cross up a lonely hill.

You give of yourself to those who hate you.

You forgive those who never ask for forgiveness.

You get out of bed though you are depressed.

You take another breath through your despair.

You keep waiting and praying….though nothing good has happened.

You study hard and learn subtraction.

You sing a song to your parents and bring a smile to their faces

You feel alone, yet somehow you make it through another day.

You worship in your grief.

You help your Momma with the chores, though you loathe them.

You clean the floors yet again.

You do another load of dirty pots and pans.

You wash the linens again.

You try to make a budget out of a very small income.

You remain a friend to someone who hasn’t been a friend in return.

You don't realize how much you are loved.

You are not alone.

You listen.

You laugh.

You cry.

You ache.

You hurt.

You mourn.

You feel.

You gave Yourself willingly on a tree for a people who despised You.

**Never underestimate the power of one. One person can build up. One person can tear down. One person can hate. One person can love.**

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

SEVEN

Seven years.

We've had our plans, God's had his. Sometimes, they've lined up, sometimes they haven't.

However, no matter the weather....no matter the happiness...no matter the grief and sorrow life has thrown our way....

Darryl James, I'm happy I've spent these days with you.

You are the ideal husband.
I mean it.
You make me feel beautiful when I haven't showered all day. You make me feel loved when I'm not so loving in return. You make me feel encouraged when I'm down on myself. You comfort me when I'm grieving. You hurt for me when I'm crying. You laugh with me when I'm laughing (even when my laughing hurts your ears...). You hug me when I am not acting very "huggable". You listen to me, even when what I'm saying often seems neverending. You even listen to what I don't say. My Momma adored(s) you. My Daddy thinks the world of you. My sister spoke of us being married even before we thought we'd be dating.

God has used you in my life in much bigger ways than you've ever imagined. You've always loved me with all you are. You've always been faithful to me. You've always thought of me before yourself. You've always lived out the gospel in my life and those around you. Everyone looks up to you. (Get it? haha....I couldn't resist.)

Though I know you're humble and don't like praise, I can't help but share the joy with everyone that you've given me.

Seven is my favorite number. You are my favorite husband. ;) The two of those together is bomb-a-licious.

Since you have loved me wholly, fiercely, tenderly, and fully...I only hope you'll give me the next SEVENTY years to do the same to you, my love.

HAPPY 7th ANNIVERSARY!!!

I will say, "I love you"....however, that doesn't begin to describe the immensity of what I feel for you.

Here's to seventy more...

In the Face of Despair.

Sometimes life will beat the daylights out of us. I won't go into details, but the past three years have brought despair, loneliness, and hopelessness to my family's doorstep. Had someone told me years ago the things I would endure, I would simply say, "IMPOSSIBLE!". I would NOT believe it. It's too much to bear. I've seen my husband carry burdens that should not have been placed on him. I've seen my Daddy go through things no man should endure. I have seen many friends close to me live through tragedies that are horrible. I have seen many dark places myself. People have mentioned to me before that seeing the "positive" side of things will make it all better!!! However, sometimes in life, my friends...the positive side is a million miles away. Been there? Please tell me I'm not alone in this thing called life...

For so long I've beat myself up about feeling the way I do. I feel horrible at times for grieving. I feel guilty for hurting. I feel horrible because I've been told to "make lemonade" when life gives me these lemons!! But what about when I'm not getting lemons? What if I'm getting only silence? What if I'm getting darkness?? THEN WHAT?!? I learned such an important message of hope one day recently from a man who has a tendency to see things a little differently than most people. It was as if this message he was preaching to a large group of people was solely intended for my heart. I needed it. It has freed me. It has given me hope.

He said that maybe my faith and hope are stronger than I think. Maybe the mere fact that I still cry out to God shows the depth of my faith and hope in Him....because even through all the sorrow....I STILL choose to cry out to Him, to go to Him, to pray to Him, to hope in Him, that He will change things.

That. Changed. Me.

So I've come to a very big conclusion. I can't look at the despair, sorrow, loneliness, and emptiness surrounding me and NOT see God. I can't look at the hurting ones around me and NOT see God. He is here. I have to believe that...no, I GET to believe that. One of the biggest themes throughout the Bible is HOPE. The story of Irael=hope. The story of Job=hope. The story of Abraham and Sarah=hope. The story of Isaac and Rebekah=hope. The story of Joseph=hope. The story of creation=hope. The story of Noah=hope. The story of Jesus=HOPE.

Pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?

I can't, in any way, look at these stories, my stories, your stories....and NOT see hope. The thing that sticks out to me, though, is that in order to grasp the great hope we have in Him.....we DO need to see the very serious and sorrowful things that happen in our lives. Without the cross there was no Resurrection, right?

So I do. I look around, and I hurt. I wail some moments. I can't even find the words to describe the hurt some days. I wonder what the future holds in so many aspects. I wonder if this life will indeed bring some good news to my family. I bank on the fact that my tears WILL sow a harvest of joyful shouting! (Psalm 126:5)And I do all of this....and STILL hope. Because I believe that is what makes our faith so great. We have the audacity to look around, to see death, poverty, sorrow, and despair, and claim HOPE in the face of it. We GET to do that.

I think Job did it. Even when his "friends" found every reason to tell him he MUST have done something to anger God, he held out hope. He despaired, yet hoped. Through the many days and days and DAYS of hearing NOTHING from God, he still cried out to Him. When he heard nothing but silence, he STILL cried out to Him. He didn't give up that hope of knowing that something had to give eventually.

In Matthew 15, the woman mentioned in verses 21-28 asked for healing persistently, three times before Jesus answered. Perhaps her perseverance had something to do with it??? Maybe.

I guess I just wanted to share this story because isn't that what life is all about....our stories? This is a tiny part of my story.
Hope in the face of despair.
I will still hope.
I can't help but do it, even though many times throughout life I have many reasons to despair....I hope all the more. Easter is always just around the corner.



"Out of the ashes of hopelessness comes the fire of our hope." -Anne Wilson Schaef-

"At the bottom of the well, one can look up and see the sky." -Martha Whitmore Hickman-

"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God hs been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." -Romans 5:3-5-


"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33-

"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ;" -I Peter 1:6-7-

P.S. I bet you can probably guess who that man was that helped me cling to hope in the midst of despair.

An End to Grief?

I've been very open with my grief. Some would say that is foolish...others may be indifferent. I admit I have even felt those feelings. I wonder sometimes if what I share regarding my grief makes a difference.....and lately I've been thinking.

It does make a difference.......for me, at least.

I can't speak for anybody else. I can only tell my own story, and I believe wholeheartedly that healing comes out of sharing life with one another...and part of life IS grief. That is why I share my journey. That is why I think it's important to share my grief. So for you who do read, thank you.

**************************************

Grief is a burden. It is a burden that, as I've mentioned many times, we canNOT carry alone. We need God....we need one another. I am no expert....but I do think I can speak about some things I see that are wrong with how the world handles (or does NOT handle) grief. One big issue I've noticed, while looking through book after book, title after title, is that there is one GREAT assumption we have.....there is this false belief that grief will eventually END.

My response to that is simple:

Does love end?
If grief ends, then what of our faith??
Do we not still grieve at the loss of our Saviour on a tree?

WHY did we ever get to a point of thinking we're "strong enough" to be over grieving the great loves that God has given us? HOW DARE WE discount the relationships that He has blessed us with??!!?!


I am not saying that there is never a time for laughter, joy, happiness after losing a loved one. (Ask my husband and my friends.....I laugh all the time....very loudly, mind you.) But I am saying that this idea that we are not "recovering well" if we still express feelings of grief is SHALLOW. I share these things because if you've ever grieved, I'd be willing to bet that you've been told things that make you feel as if you need to "get over it". (If you haven't, I envy you.)

There is something to be said for wallowing in self-pity. However, I cringe at the thought that I've been told I've been doing the same in grieving my Momma. I am EVER SO THANKFUL for a God who's picked up the pieces of my heart that have been stomped on during my grief. As if grieving the one who birthed me is a sin!! I would never have known His great comforting hand, had I not brought my whole self to Him.....including the grief that will forever weigh heavily upon my heart. I am thankful for those who love deeply enough to go to such a heavy place of grief with me. I only hope I can do the same for others.

I've been thinking about these things, hour after hour, day after day....month after month. I would never be able to live through this, had I not offered myself to Him. Sometimes, it's quite simple to see:

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
**How can we be blessed and comforted if we don't first mourn?**

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
**How can He give us rest if we don't first come to Him?**

"In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried to my God for help; He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry for help before Him came into His ears." Psalm 18:6
**How can He answer if we refuse to cry out in our distress?**

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation. Selah." Psalm 68:19
**How can He bear them if we're trying to carry them on our own?**

"O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and You healed me." Psalm 30:2
**How can healing come if we never cry out?**

"Jesus wept." John 11:35
**If even HE acknowledged hurt and grief, why do we think it's okay for us to ignore them??**

"You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" Psalm 56:8
**How can He catch our tears....if we never cry them?**

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him." *Psalm 126:5-6*
**How can the harvest of joyful shouting happen if we never plant our seeds of tears and grief?**

LORD...
forgive us for ever thinking that hiding our grief will bring us closer to the truth. Forgive us for ever thinking we are right in holding back our grief. Forgive us for holding others back from their own grief. Help us to know there is room for all of us at the cross....our smiles, our tears, our joys, and our fears. Help us be a people that offer up to You our grief, and carry one another's tears with them.

"Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15

The Importance of Tears.

Many times throughout my life I have cried.
I am a very emotional girl. I used to hate that about myself. I felt out of control, like something was wrong with me. Not only would I cry when I was sad, angry, or mad....but I would cry when I was happy. I still do.
For many reasons, I cry. The difference now is that I see the importance of it...I even see the good in it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about tears. My tears, yours tears. The tears I've shed for family and friends whom I love. The tears shed over life's tragedies. Now, in this part of my life, I am comfortable in my tears.

At this time.
On this hour.
I am thankful for a God who hears my cries.

I am thankful for a God who hurts with me.

I am thankful for a God who carries my burdens.

I am thankful for a God who catches my tears, when I feel so utterly alone in a world full of grief and hurting.


"O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and You healed me." Psalm 30:2

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation. Selah." Psalm 68:19

"You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" Psalm 56:8

Pictures of God Amidst the Pain.

I have a confession, I used to have all these ideas about God, the pictures I painted of Him were beautiful. They were mighty, strong, He was probably carrying an American flag. He voted a certain way. He shared my beliefs regarding well...everything. He had a very good paying job. He had a savings account. He, though a male in my pictures, looked an awful lot like a mirror of myself.

How my pictures have fallen.

I'll spare you the story of the past three years of my life. A handful of those close to me know the big things. Even then...I'm quite sure nobody aside from God and my husband know everything of the true heartache and sorrow that has gripped my very soul over the past several years. To say I feel as if I've been alone in a desert is an extreme understatement. There are times I look around....at myself, my family, my loved ones...and I have wondered WHERE IS GOD??? Why are they suffering? Why are we suffering?

Ever been there?

If He is God....why won't He step in and do something? (I believe with my whole heart that even today...He does. And I also believe that often He calls His children to step in....and sometimes, they DO!! They BECOME His hands and feet. On the flipside, there are those times they/we choose to do nothing...which echoes out into the world around us.)

I've learned that my pictures of Him are severely wrong because of just that.....they are PICTURES. HE is more than just a picture. More than an idea. More than any doctrine. He is more than a political party. More than a denomination. More than any gender or race. More than age. More than time....more than space. Try as I may, I will never be able to describe Him in His "God-ness". I have learned THAT is the beauty of Him.

I have found comfort and hope in my own grief and suffering. Not in ignoring the pain-absolutely not! Only THROUGH the pain can I recognize my weakness. Through the grief I recognize my limits as a human being. Through the tears I see my neediness.

In my tears, I see Him. I know He is all around...even though the pain lingers.

My pictures are no longer "pictures".....

He is alive. He is here. He is here not only in the beautiful things....but He is here with the brokenhearted. I dare say He MAY be a bit closer to the ones who hurt.

My pictures are now speaking, living, loving...they are animated. And not only that, they are here...amidst the suffering.


"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him." *Psalm 126:5-6*

Hope in Falling Apart.

So much is happening in and around me. I know people hurt for so many reasons...and something I've learned throughout my walk is that putting a happy face on a tragedy WILL NOT fix it. So, this is for those of you hurting...for whatever reason. If you're hurting, grieving, mourning, angry, lonely, feel abandoned...I hope this is encouraging.

I've been thinking about the relevance of tears. There's good in them...so often we try to hide them, and are afraid to cry for ourselves or for one another. I find comfort in reading "Jesus wept". He didn't ignore hurting hearts...neither should we.




HAS THE PAIN OVERWHELMED YOU LATELY?
IS THERE A BIG CLOUD OVER YOUR HEART?
DO THINGS LOOK DARK ALL AROUND,
DO YOU FEEL LIKE FALLING APART?

WHEN YOU AWAKEN EACH NEW DAY
DO YOU JUST NOT WANT TO SMILE?
HAS THE NUMBNESS SET IN WHERE JOY
USED TO BE, DO YOU JUST WANT TO CRY FOR A WHILE?

ARE YOU TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT TRAGEDY?
DOES HAPPINESS SEEM FAR AWAY?
DO YOU JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND SHOUT,
NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO YOU TODAY?

ARE THERE TIMES YOU FEEL ALL ALONE,
THOUGH YOU KNOW THERE ARE MANY AROUND?
DO YOU JUST WANT TO OPEN YOUR WINGS AND FLY,
BUT YOU KNOW YOU’RE STUCK THERE ON THE GROUND?

ARE YOU WEARY FROM FACING SORROW?
AND NOT JUST YOURS, BUT THOSE WHOM YOU LOVE?
DO YOU FEEL AT TIMES THERE IS NO HOPE,
BUT YOU STILL LOOK FOR HELP FROM ABOVE?

HAVE OTHER’S ANSWERS JUST FAILED YOU?
THOUGH WITH GOOD INTENTIONS, THEY COME…
YOU STILL HEAR WORDS OF EMPTINESS,
AND YOU’VE FOUND HOPE IN NOONE?

MY CHILD, I HAVE NEVER PROMISED
THAT YOU’D HAVE EVERY SINGLE THING THAT IS GOOD…
I JUST ASKED YOU TO ALWAYS FOLLOW ME,
THOUGH AT TIMES YOU WOULDN’T THINK YOU COULD.

I NEVER PROMISED ALL YOUR DAYS WITHOUT SORROW,
DEATH, TRAGEDY, AND SICKNESS ARE ALL PART OF THIS LIFE.
BUT OH WHAT SWEETNESS AWAITS YOU
WHEN YOU MAKE IT THROUGH ALL THE STRIFE!

I NEVER PROMISED TO BE YOUR GENIE,
ANSWERING YOUR EVERY LITTLE WHIM,
BUT I DID ASK YOU TO STILL KEEP TRUSTING IN ME,
THOUGH ALL AROUND YOU SEEMS GRIM.

I NEVER SAID TO PRETEND THINGS ARE FINE,
OR TO JUST PRETEND YOU HAVE NO PAIN….
YOU HAVE TO BE REAL WHEN YOU COME TO ME,
AND STILL TRUST ME WHEN GRIEF COMES AGAIN.

SO AS YOU GO THROUGH THESE HORRIBLE MOMENTS
AND YOU WANT TO WISH IT ALL AWAY,
COME ONLY TO ME, I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE,
I DID PROMISE I’D NEVER GO AWAY.

AND IN THOSE TIMES THAT YOU FEEL ISOLATED
LIKE THE RAIN HAS DROWNED AWAY THE LIGHT,
REMEMBER THAT I AM HOLDING YOU CLOSE,
THROUGH EACH DAY, AND THROUGH EACH NIGHT.

AND WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE LOSING IT,
GO AHEAD AND LET IT ALL OUT!!
COME TO ME, SCREAM AND CRY TO ME,
I CAN TAKE IT ALL, EVEN YOUR SHOUTS!!

FALL APART AND CRY UNTIL YOU CAN CRY NO MORE,
AND JUST LET ME WRAP MY ARMS AROUND YOU.
FALL APART LIKE YOU’VE WANTED TO FOR SO LONG,
IT’S THE BEST THING THAT YOU CAN DO.

AND REMEMBER THE PAIN YOU HAVE IN THIS LIFE
WON’T LAST FOREVER, IT WILL ALL SOON BE GONE.
I, YOUR LORD, HAVE ALREADY HAD THE LAST WORD,
I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU TO LEAN ON.

I AM YOUR PEACE, AND I AM YOUR LIGHT,
I BRING YOU DELIVERANCE, COMFORT, AND HOPE.
AND MY PRECIOUS CHILD, I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE,
EACH TIME YOU’VE COME TO THE END OF YOUR ROPE.

J.N.S. January 14, 2009

I know, I know. I can't help but think that some people roll their eyes as I constantly talk about how much I ADORE my husband, our family, and our marriage. But....I can't help but do just that. So on the one hand, I feel compelled to say, "I'm sorry".....because I DO know there are those who aren't married and wish they were, who have gone through a bad marriage, are in a bad marriage, and I know hearts have been broken. There are those like my wonderful Daddy, who has lost his one love. This is nothing to ignore. Many of you I'm speaking straight to, and I am sorry. Trust me, my heart is heavy for you, and if I know of your pain, there have been tears shed out of my own eyes.

However, I have to share this. To me, it's too good NOT to share.

You see, there are times in life that one looks hell straight in the face. There are times when tragedy comes, and those who know me know our story. These times will continue on throughout life. If you're lucky, maybe they won't come your way. But if you're like most people, sometimes life will beat. the. heckfire. out of you. It is in those times that I have become even MORE thankful for this birthday boy that I'm talking about.

You see, Jesus said, "the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand." This speaks to me. In a world where people hurt. In a world where babies starve. In a world so full of hatred. In a world of broken homes, abusive spouses, hateful words.....HIS Kingdom is at hand.

For me, there have been many times in my life that I have been certain of this, because I have experienced it. In my marriage. In giving birth to our son. In sweet friendships I have been blessed with. In my Momma, Daddy, my sweet sister.

I look back on the past two years...much more have I carried besides the burden of losing my Momma. Much more have I endured. Much more have I cried about, ached about, been depressed about.

And this man, this very, (VERY), tall man that God gave to share this life with me has been here by my side through it all. He has been a reminder to me of the VERY real presence of God. Just in being himself, in loving me day in and day out with his very life. In hurting with me, mourning with me, and yes, even arguing with me because there was that ONE time I was wrong..... ;) Just in showing me true love, loyal love, REAL love, God has used this man to remind me of His very presence. My husband's love for God, for the wonderful humanity He created....it is beautiful. He loves with his whole self. I admire that. Through him, I am reminded that though I may go through hell many times throughout life...God has given him to me. I have seen glimpses of Heaven because of my husband. And I just had to share that.

Darryl James, my love, my husband....HAPPY BIRTHDAY. You are wonderful and I am honoured to be the one you choose to love everyday.

Exclusion

There has to be a better way
Than what we’re seeing now
There has to be a better route
Than letting hatred and exclusion abound.

We’re saying we’re pro-life, save
All the babies, keep them alive!
Yet we hate others with our very words…
Dehumanizing through our strife.

It’s as if we only want to treat
Life sacred while it’s in the womb…
But once someone is breathing
It’s okay to send them to a tomb.

Indeed, humanity is lovely…
From beginning to the end…
What if we treated each other with honour,
Just as we’re told to do by Him?!

We act like it’s okay to tear someone down
When they don’t agree with us…
Because people will come to know Him
The more we shout and scream and cuss!

The more we shout, the louder we’ll be!
What a great way to spread the love.
What a great way to let people know
Of a God that looks down from above.

As if He’s not here, he’s off in the distance
Unattached from us and looking down…
What if we lived as He said to live,
As if His Kingdom were all around?

Yet we still sit back and judge other’s actions-
As if its our duty to measure the heart.
But, when it’s us needing help--
We cry for forgiveness and grace from the start.

We like to say, “God is love!”
And that’s the business we’re in!
Yet we can’t even be faithful and love one another,
And even backstab ones we call “friends”.

Instead of being known as oppressors,
When will we stop the oppressing that’s being done?
When will we be known for the love
That’s supposed to bring others to the One?

When will we stop being busy
Gossiping about other people’s days…
And get down on our knees instead
Praying we can all understand His grace?

I long for a day when His church
Will be known for what they adore,
For showing love and grace-
Rather than the hatred many of us are known for.

I long for the day that we’ll be known
For embracing every person, and showing grace-
Instead of drawing lines in the Kingdom,
Whether it’s because of opinions or one’s race.

When can we sit back and realize that
His table is open to us all?
If He’s given someone breath, then they’re human…
Everyone’s invited to hear His call.

Jessica Nicole Schafer
04-28-10

Waiting.

This poem, which I wrote back in 2007...before the Great Sadness...has been on my mind so much lately. In life, we're often stuck in "wait". Sometimes we haven't done anything wrong to be here...we just have to wait. I've been here often. The most recent "waiting" period....well....let's just say I was ready last month to put it behind us. I'm holding out hope for something good....though I don't know the future. I'm holding out hope for some stability, and believe me, it hurts to wait this long. So, again, I share my heart with you. Hoping that maybe somewhere, someone can be encouraged by my own hurts, and the hope I've found in them.

"The Waiting Place"

YOU KEEP TELLING ME NOT TO WORRY
I KEEP TRYING MY BEST TO TRUST,
NOT LETTING MY HEART BE TAKEN OVER
BY WANTING MATERIAL THINGS OUT OF LUST.

YOU KEEP SAYING YOU’LL DELIVER
THE NEEDY WHEN THEY CRY…
YET I’VE BEEN HERE WAITING…
AND EVERYDAY WONDERING “WHY?”.

I KNOW YOU ALWAYS KEEP YOUR WORD
I KNOW YOU WILL ANSWER ME
AND I ALSO KNOW ALL I CAN DO
IS SIT AND WAIT PATIENTLY.

I’VE PUT MY TRUST IN THINGS BEFORE,
IN OTHER PEOPLE, MYSELF, AND MY PLANS…
BUT THE LESSON I KEEP LEARNING
IS JUST TO LET YOU HOLD MY HAND.

“BUT LORD, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND-“
AT TIMES I’VE CRIED OUT TO YOU…
AS IF YOU DIDN’T, YOURSELF, CREATE ME-
AND MAKE ALL THINGS AND PEOPLE NEW!

“I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE-
I GIVE UP!” I’VE CRIED BEFORE.
BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT’S NOT
THE WAY I CAN BE ANYMORE.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I DON’T KNOW!
AND IT’S OKAY TO BE HERE NOW.
IT’S OKAY TO TRUST YOU HAPPILY,
AND NOT KNOW THE “WHY’S AND HOW’S”.

IT'S EVEN OKAY TO HOPE THOUGH SO MUCH
DESPAIR IS STILL LINGERING AROUND...
SOMETIMES YOU DO YOUR BEST WORK
WHEN MY HEART IS SO CLOSE TO THE GROUND.

EVEN THOUGH OTHERS MAY FAIL ME,
AND IT SEEMS LIKE YOU HAVE, TOO...
I'LL REMEMBER YOU SAID THAT ONE DAY
YOU WILL MAKE ALL THINGS NEW.

THOUGH THINGS AROUND MAY BE HOPELESS,
AND LONELINESS AND DEATH ABOUND HERE...
I'LL REMEMBER YOU SAID YOU COMFORT THOSE
WHO ARE MOURNING, AND I WILL NOT FEAR.

EVEN WHEN THE FUTURE SEEMS HOPELESS,
IT’S A GOOD THING TO TRUST IN YOU-
IT’S GOOD TO KNOW, LORD JESUS,
THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO.

SO I STAY HERE-IN THE WAITING PLACE.
I MAY BE HERE FOR YEARS OR DAYS.
BUT I WILL DO MY BEST TO FOLLOW YOU, JESUS
AND LET YOU TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.


JESSICA SCHAFER-JULY 4, 2007
*new lines added in 2009*


“HOW LONG, O LORD? WILL YOU FORGET ME FOREVER? HOW LONG WILL YOU HIDE YOUR FACE FROM ME? HOW LONG SHALL I TAKE COUNSEL IN MY SOUL, HAVING SORROW IN MY HEART ALL THE DAY? HOW LONG WILL MY ENEMY BE EXALTED OVER ME? ……. BUT I HAVE TRUSTED IN YOUR LOVINGKINDESS; MY HEART SHALL REJOICE IN YOUR SALVATION. I WILL SING TO THE LORD, BECAUSE HE HAS DEALT BOUNTIFULLY WITH ME.” *THE PSALMS*

“THE MIND OF MAN PLANS HIS WAY, BUT THE LORD DIRECTS HIS STEPS.” *THE PROVERBS*


“REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS; AGAIN I WILL SAY, REJOICE! LET YOUR GENTLE SPIRIT BE KNOWN TO ALL MEN. THE LORD IS NEAR. BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING, BUT IN EVERYTHING BY PRAYER AND SUPPLICATION WITH THANKSGIVING LET YOUR REQUESTS BE MADE KNOWN TO GOD. AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH SURPASSES ALL COMPREHENSION, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS.” *PHILIPPIANS 4:4-7*

“FAITHFUL IS HE WHO CALLS YOU AND HE WILL ALSO BRING IT TO PASS.” *I THESSALONIANS 5:24*

I had a very. long. day.

Nothing major happened, just a lot of little things. The day didn't go as planned...bad attitudes throughout the house. All these little things just added up, piling up on my back, and reminding me of all the things I've already been worried about for the past several months.

And reminding me most of all that I miss my Momma.
I need her.
Tonight, I really wanted to talk to her.

I found myself driving and just crying harder than I've cried in a long time. I was asking question after question to God. And at one point I came back to that age old question, "Why did this have to happen to me?!?!?!?!". Of course, I already know that there is no answer to that question. But I, like many others, will keep asking it.

I'm reading a book called "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. I HIGHLY suggest it. It's brutally honest. In times like tonight, when I feel so utterly alone, books like this remind me that I am not alone.

Her absence is everywhere. When I want to call her to tell her something cute that Dylan did. When I want to call and ask her a question about when I was younger. When I talk to Daddy. When I see a lady having a nice day out with her grandchild. When Dylan asks to talk to Nana because he misses her. When I dream about her--only to wake up to reality. When Darryl calls his Mom. When I remember her laugh. When I hear friends talking about their Mothers babysitting for them.

As hard as that is to read....as hard as it is to write....trust me, it's much harder to feel all those feelings.

Being without her has changed me. And of course it would. It has made me see the great delicacy of life. It has made me know a side of God I never knew before. It has made me more vulnerable. It has made me love harder.

And on days like today, it reminds me that I'm still a little girl who sometimes just needs her Momma.

In His Image.

I'm sure many of us have been hurt by other’s words. The sad thing I’ve noticed is that most of the people I know, including myself, have been hurt in the biggest ways by those IN the Church, the ones who should “know better”.

Most people think we have to clean ourselves all up, look like we have it all together. (Which everyone knows that nobody has it “all together”…..why do we need to try to pretend?) We need to read our Bible 45 minutes a day, go to church when the doors are open, participate in Bible study, V.B.S., show charity to someone, (usually it isn’t even to help them, it’s to make ourselves feel better). And though most people would say, “I don’t just do those things, I have a REAL relationship with Jesus!”……my question is, do we???

Do we? Can we have a relationship with the One who IS love when we’re constantly ripping one another apart in hatred? Can we have a relationship with the One who associated Himself with the poor, when we hoard all of our money while our neighbor has no food? When He, Himself, mourned and cried, yet we shut our ears to those who are deeply grieved? Can we really know Him, who gave Himself for even His enemies, (which at one time we fell into that category) when we’re constantly saying how wrong others are, and hating those who disagree with us with our venemous words???

These are just questions I have.

Because if we are His followers, if we are His children, we are to exhibit love. At all turns. Even when that evil *insert political party* says something that we totally disagree with. Even then? Yes. Even when our so-called friends gossip about us constantly? Yes, still….show love. Even when *insert name here* has done nothing but be a jerk to me all the years I’ve known her? Yes…..love holds no wrongs. Now, does this mean we let people run over us and enable them to do these things to us? I think not. However, we are called to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. Evil has to be brought out into the light and called out for what it is, but I think sometimes we call PEOPLE out…..

…….and we forget that they, too, were created in His very image.

What would the world look like if we actually lived as we believed that? Each person, no matter their race, appearance, what’s in their bank account, their religion, their political party, the country they live in………..that they were created in His image??

What if we, as the Body of Christ, were so overflowing with His love, that all we ever did was show love to each person that draws breath? What if we decided that hatred has no place in the Believer’s life? What if we not only decided that, but actually LIVED like that?? What if we ever got to a point that we could look at the face of ANY living human being on this earth and see the face of Jesus…….

Maybe that is the defining factor of whether we have a “relationship” with Jesus.

Do we? Do you?

Because He created us to live on this place together.

He created us to be a light.

Some people would say we’ve turned into a black hole.