"Worth it" (and a little Volf)

While experiencing another day of, well LIFE, this hit me;

Not everybody grows up with a family that encourages them.

Not everybody grows up hearing, "You can be whatever you want to be!". Not everybody grows up being L O V E D. Of course, I already knew all of this, but it really resonated with me recently. For my sister and myself,(granted our lives weren't perfect,) I think it's perfectly safe to say, even speaking for her, that we grew up with a Momma and Daddy who thought the world of us, gave us everything they could, loved us beyond words, and encouraged us everyday we were growing up.

My sweet lil' boy has two parents who L O V E him incessantly. We try to show him daily our love for him, as well as God's love for him. I hope he grows up knowing his worth, that it is NOT bound up in ANYTHING here....but that his worth is in Him.

My husband loves me. He has reminded me this every. single. day. Sometimes by his words, yes. And the other times, by his very life. MOST times, by his life. By his breaths. In fact, if he were to never speak those words to me again, (which I very much need to hear, I'm just trying to make a point here...) I would still know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me because of the way he HAS always LOVED me with his life since before we were even married. He reminds me in the way he holds me, hugs me, kisses me. He reminds me in the way he takes care of our family in EVERY way. He reminds me in how he carries my burdens with me. He reminds me that I'm worth "it". That I'm worth this whole life....that I'm worth living for day after day, year after year. That I'm worth his days. I only hope I remind him the same thing about himself.

If we grow up without knowing how loved, accepted, valuable we are....it echoes in our hearts throughout the rest of our lives....affecting not only ourselves, but those around us.

I guess I really just wanted to remind you of your worth.

Whoever you are, whatever you've been through, wherever you are tonight...you are loved.

No matter the times another person has torn you down, no matter the hurt you've been handed, no matter the mistakes you've made...your worth is indescribable.

No matter your successes, or your failures, you are worth it.

No matter the times life has scarred you beyond words....you are worth it.

No matter how broken you are, you are loved.

No matter how many things are going wrong in your life, or how many people have abandoned you, you are loved.

No matter how many people have been unfaithful to you, you are worth it.

No matter the burdens you carry, you are loved.

No matter the grief you walk around with day after day, you are worth it.

No matter how much you may not even believe these words, you are still loved, your worth is incomparable...you are worth "it". Believe it, dear reader.

And by the way, I wrote these words to myself tonight, as well. Sometimes life happens, or people happen....and both of those can destroy our humanity to the core. The past three years have undoubtedly done that to myself and my husband. I am hanging on to what I know to be true....even though circumstances don't change, some people don't change.....I have to remember what is T R U E, what is L O V E, because if I forget those things, evil wins.

My Love sent me these words the other day. He has no idea how much I needed to hear them. I want to share them with you. Those who know most of our story can appreciate how comforting the following is to my husband and myself. We have given our very lives over to serving Her, and will NEVER regret it, not for a minute. But for what we've lived through.....we have definitely been left scarred, hurt, and broken-hearted. Still, we will love Him, and His church, and serve them. Because we do not live for ourselves, we live for one another.....even those who hand out nothing but evil. As my husband always says, regardless of who we are, or the damaging things that people do, "We are still part of the same Body." I leave you with what he wrote me:

"So what will happen with the poison that spoils God's good gifts? God will either turn it into medicine or remove it completely. The gifts will remain--which are we ourselves and everything that surrounds us."

"For the God who resurrects, nothing is the end."

*Both quotes by Miroslav Volf*

Amen to Him resurrecting what man has poisoned. Maranatha.

THAT is my hope for this year, and the years to come...for your family, and for mine.

Who are You???

"According to what I have seen, those who plow iniquity and those who sow trouble harvest it." Job 4:8

"If you would seek God and implore the compassion of the Almighty, if you are pure and upright, surely now He would rouse Himself for you and restore your righteous estate." Job 8:6

"If you would direct your heart right and spread out your hand to Him, if iniquity is in your hand, put it far away, and do not let wickedness dwell in your tents; then, indeed, you could lift up your face without moral defect, and you would be steadfast and not fear." Job 11:13-15

"If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored; if you remove unrighteousness far from your tent, and place your gold in the dust, and the gold of Ophir among the stones of the brooks, then the Almighty will be your gold and choice silver to you." Job 22:23-25



Sound familiar??

These verses, on their own, may sound good and well enough. "Do right, and God will reward you."

What is so saddening, depressing, heartbreaking, is that these words were spoken to a person who had just lost EVERYTHING. His family, his estate, and his health. We read in Job verse after verse, chapter after chapter, how sad he is. He is mourning. He is a broken man. He has nothing. He has lost the very people he lived for, and is now being mocked by those who claim to be part of the "family of God". He is told he MUST have done something wrong to open this door for God to take everything away. He is told, pretty much, "shut up and straighten up".....surely if only he'd repent, God would "show up".

To add insult to injury, Job was crying out to his "friends".....he was crying out from the depths of his soul, wondering, grieving, seeking....needing someone to comfort him. Enter these people who did nothing but point a finger of blame and tell him all the "holy" things they knew, as they sought out ways to teach him the "right ways" of God. If only one day he'd "learn" to fall in line, God would restore his life. Because obviously, according to them, he had it all wrong. (If you read the story, you can even hear the condescending tones in their voices.....the self-righteousness that comes with their heavenly words of wisdom spoken to Job.)

Know what happens throughout the story? The same thing, over and over again. Job laments...he can't understand why God has allowed this. (Which if you read the first chapter, we see that God DID, indeed, allow it all.) He cries, he complains, he asks question after question. And friend after friend comes along to tell him how wrong he is for doing so.

Surely we don't see this, NOR would we ever dream to condemn someone in their hurting now-a-days, right? Surely we've learned enough to know the heartlessness of this....surely....

Then finally, God speaks, after thirty-something chapters of Job crying out to him. A very long time of waiting. And doesn't he say what we expect? Doesn't he tell his friends, "Good job, he had it all wrong....thank you for pointing out the error of his ways and kicking him when he was down, my servants, you got it all RIGHT!"....

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This is what he says to Job's friends;

"My wrath is kindled against you and against your two friends, because you have not spoken of Me what is right as My servant Job has..." Job 42:7b

Now there's so much in this story. Please, find the time to read it. It's worth it.

I wrote all this to say, who are we being??? Who am I? Who are you? Dear reader, are we spending time telling those who are hurting how holy we are, and that if only they'd come around to our way of thinking, God would "show up" in their lives? Are we discouraging those who are already overwhelmingly discouraged??? Are we even using select verses out of the Bible to shut up the cries of the oppressed????

Heaven forbid. I hope not.

But for some reason...I felt the need to share this story yet again.

I am thankful for a God who catches our tears, cries with us, hurts with us, grieves with us, feels with us.....and NEVER belittles a broken heart.

Because who have we ever learned more from in our hurt?? Those who had all the lofty answers of how we needed to change our ways??? Or those who took the time to carry our burdens with us???.....

I hope we all know the beauty of the cross...that it wasn't a beautiful thing at all that night. It was dark, scary, and He was alone. Much like we are throughout different times in life. Go "be a light"....don't add to the darkness that already surrounds us. After all, that's what the Gospel is all about...shining a light in the darkness. Not blowing out the flame of an already broken spirit.

Amen?

He is FOR...

He is FOR…



The broken

The lonely

The abused

The bruised

The neglected

The hungry

The poor

The hopeless

The homeless

The despairing

The mourning

The forgotten

The cheated

The weary

The lame

The prodigal

The broken-hearted

The foreigner

The orphan

The widowed

The sick

….even when His very children live as if they are NOT.

Sometimes life gives us NOTHING BUT hurt….and ALL WE CAN OFFER is a broken heart. That is okay. That is acceptable….and believe it or not, it can even be an act of worship. There have been MANY days in the last 36 months that all I’ve had to offer God are tears, grief, sadness, and a broken heart…….what I’ve learned is that he NEVER turns that away.

In fact….He is closely acquainted with all of those things.

Dear reader, God never did ask you to “grin and bear it”…..don’t expect that of yourself, or others.

Just as a mother holds a child who’s hurting, and hurts alongside him, wishing she could take away those hurts and carry them herself…how much MORE does He wish we’d come to Him so He could do that very thing??

Our tears, our hurt, our grief, and our broken-hearts are accepted in His Kingdom.....


“Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

She is Everywhere, Yet Nowhere.

There is a small, almost invisible, part of me that still hopes I can call my Momma, and she'll pick up the phone. That somewhere, somehow, she is reachable. I know reality, I know she is gone. I know I won't see her until the end. But that's just it.....I think I still have this almost non-existent feeling because it hurts too much to realize over and over again that she's not here. Some days, the pain of reality is too much. Everyday I wake up, and I remember. It's as if that first breath I take in the morning, when I realize I'm awake, is ruined immediately because I remember what the day will bring. And I remember what it won't bring. Her.

Sure, I've tried to even tell myself those things that other people have told me...that I have a wonderful family and wonderful friends who love me, and who are here for me. That is so very true....and it is a GOOD thing. Without precious loved ones by our side, who would we be?? But the ever present reality is that I still do NOT have her.

And I've tried to keep myself busy, as I've been told it will somehow "help"...or I've tried to focus on other people, so my mind won't be on my own hurt....which is ironic to me, because if I don't know how to deal with grief, how in the WORLD can I help others deal with their own by ignoring my pain? THIS is how I hope to help...by being brutally honest about the sting that death brings. It's not neat. It's not pretty. It hurts.

And so....life happens. Another milestone passes. I grow older. I attempt to celebrate another year. Without her. It's almost as if I'm chasing her memory, and I hate that. I hate calling her a memory, because she WAS. She is...

Some days, when the tears pour and I can't stop them, I just wish I could take a magic pill that helps me not hurt so much. I know no such pill exists....but there are some days that the pain cuts so deep, so fresh...and I wish I could shut off a magic switch--today is one of those days.

The other night we watched The Last Airbender with the Babylove. There was one part I can't get out of my head. The Last Airbender, a little boy named Aang, is pushing aside the grief of losing his loved ones so he can focus on battling the enemy. He wants to ignore his own pain so he can win against the ones who are heartlessly causing war.

But it won't work.

He is told that unless he lets himself fully grieve, and feel, he will NOT be able to win the battle. It is ONLY through grieving that he can help the people he's fighting for.

That is my hope. That somehow, somewhere, this very real pain that I carry around every. single. day. can give somebody the ability to be honest and real with their pain, whatever it is. Because let me just say this; I would much rather feel the empty sting of missing my Momma than have no feelings at all about her existence.

Without her and my Daddy, I wouldn't be here. My son wouldn't be here. My sister and her kids wouldn't be here. She is my Momma. And I miss her. And even three years later, I am grappling with her being gone. I will always want her, and miss her. Nobody can fill that emptiness. But I DO feel the emptiness, as well as others who love her.

I will be relishing in His words that I am blessed simply because I mourn. I will keep living, and keep hoping. And I will keep writing in the hopes that my pain and loss, which many of you dear people have felt in your own lives as well.....will help you grieve....or maybe help you be there for someone who needs you.

We were created to feel.
Think about that.
Think about the complete opposite of feeling, loving, mourning.....it's nowhere near how we were fashioned.
The opposite would be unemotional, unloving, unfeeling individuals who just went through the days never experiencing love.

That's chilling....because I can actually see how I could have ended up there, had I never dealt with reality.

We were created to love. With love comes grief.
It's something we can't ignore, and I believe with all my heart when we ignore our grief, or other's grief, we ignore Him.

Comforting one another is a very real way to spread the Good News.....

An Everyday Nightmare.

Grief is messy.

Try as I may, I can’t describe it fully. I cannot put into words the gaping, bleeding hole that rips through me daily as I mourn her. If you were to ask me to describe it in one word, it would be impossible…..though “nightmare” is the first that comes to mind. The same nightmare every. single. day.

Grief is heavy.

We can’t carry it alone, nor were we ever supposed to. How could one ever be able to bear alone the deep sorrow and sadness that accompanies losing somebody that was a part of them? If it is true that love never fails (which I believe it is) then it won’t fail now, even after death.

Grief is cyclical.

It is always here, staring me in the face. Greeting me in the morning, reminding me of this present reality. Staring at me in the mirror as I hold back more tears, wishing I could just call and hear her tell me, “Everything will be okay, I’m here…”…It is here in the winter, the spring, summer, and autumn. And some days, it’s so heavy that the tears just flow, regardless of how hard I try to contain them.

Grief can’t be contained.

There is not a word to describe what we feel for those who are closest to us. Our “cups runneth over”. It is the same with grief…we can’t pretty it up and tuck it away. It is carried within us, echoing the love that was/is shared between ourselves and the missing ones we long for.

Grief is real.

Regardless of how hard we try to ignore our hurts, they will still be there. Have you ever seen somebody cry about their departed loved one? Did it seem fake to you? OF COURSE NOT! It is such a real thing….that we don’t know what to do sometimes. We don’t know how to react. We don’t know what to say, but we do know it hurts. It hurts like hell. That is, maybe, the best way to describe it. Every year, from December 4th to December 14th, I am visited by the reminder of walking through hell…and it does not hurt any less.

And how could it?? Time heals all wounds? REALLY? Then why do we still grieve over a Saviour who was crucified years and years ago? Why do we still hurt? Time may heal some wounds, true, but I hope I never see the day on this side of Heaven when we wake up and say, “You know, I am totally healed of grieving my loved one!”….there is only one Day that will end my grieving heart regarding my Momma…..

I’ve been told that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Let me tell you, I have tried to tuck it away. I cannot. For some reason, try as I may, it stays there. My writing about grief has been more than an outlet for me to trudge through the days without her. My hope is that it brings comfort to somebody, anybody else, if even for a moment……because the scariest thing in the world is to live through this nightmare called Grief alone.

Love is a mystery. If that statement is true, then so is grief. Many who study this very subject discover how difficult it is to define, and how endless it is. It’s limitless. Yet I press on, living through each moment….sometimes minute by minute….and I relish in the comfort I get from Him and His children.
I write for you who are hurting, in the hopes of letting you know that you are not alone.

Grief runs deep.
Grief is raw.
Grief can be a sweet reminder of happy moments.
Grief is always fresh when we think of the missing ones.
Grief can bring tears, laughs, anger, hurt, resentment, bitterness, hatred, screams, sighs…..

Grief just “is”.

In my tears, in my hurting, in my missing Her…….I can’t help but think of the others I know who are hurting. I can’t help but hurt with and for them. I can’t help but share my story with them, so I can somehow, in my small corner of the world, whisper, “Me, too”…….

“For if we have never loved,
Our hearts would never break.”

Untitled Lament.

I’ve seen many eyes roll,
And many shake their heads
When I speak of my grief,
How my Mother is dead.

And I STILL have a hard time
Putting those words together-
Because in my mind,
Her days would end never.

Some have said to be strong,
Don’t talk about it, don’t cry.
And all the while I’ve wondered
A great big, fat WHY?!?!?!

Why would I not talk,
Why would I not feel?
As if I ignored it, the pain
Would be less real???

And if I stopped my grieving,
It would bring her back again?
If I just shut my mouth,
The hurting would end?

If I just didn’t mention
The heartache and sorrow,
If I just didn’t cry,
She’d come back tomorrow?

Grief was meant to be carried.
By one another, and shared.
When we don’t help each other,
We all wind up scared.

Our hearts become hardened
By our unfeeling souls…
And instead of being warm,
We’re known for being cold.

If you know someone hurting,
Let them know they’re not alone,
And that you’ll help carry their burden,
Though their loved one is gone.

I’ve had a handful of people
Who’ve carried my grief with me,
And I can’t put into words
How it’s affected me deeply.

Though you may call this grief a weakness,
HE still calls it strength,
For if we have never loved,
Our hearts would never break.

Jessica Nicole Schafer
11-30-10

Holiday Ponderings.

I haven’t been able to sleep well in…honestly….going on three years.

Since December 4th, 2007, to be exact.

It amazes me how I STILL put these expectations on myself regarding grieving Her. “I shouldn’t be so sad”….”I shouldn’t have such a hard time during Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries…”…”My lows shouldn’t be so ‘low’”….”I should be able to think about Her without missing her so much that my heart breaks all over again”….

Why do I do that? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a combination of what other people have told me through the years, and maybe it’s a little bit of myself, too. Either way, let me tell you, I’d never wish this sort of grief on my worst enemy.

I think about what we’d be doing right around now. We’d be planning on what to bring for our family’s Thanksgiving get together. I’d be talking with her about Dylan’s Christmas wishes. We’d be talking about Carmen’s kid’s Christmas wishes.

I’ve written before about the red coat she got for me that last Christmas. I’ve still not worn it. For some reason, I can’t. It hangs with the tag still on it.

I still lie awake around 2:00 a.m. wishing I could just talk to her. Even for a few minutes. I miss her laugh. I miss hugging her. I miss the way she’d always wink at me…..ohmygoodness that made me feel so special.

I still go to my phone to call her when anything cute, sad, hilarious, or crucial happens throughout my day. I want to text her again. I want…..I want….I want…….

It’s been three years next month. Let me tell you, time heals ABSOLUTELY NO WOUNDS.

I guess for me, the biggest thing I’ve learned about grieving is that it doesn’t end. How could it? How could I ever get over the absence of my Momma….the one that birthed me, the very one that put in me a desire to be a wife and Momma…the one my heart breaks for every. single. Moment?

Grief doesn’t end. I grieve, but not without hope.

I’ve not had a Christmas wish list since she’s been gone. She always used to tell me, “I don’t want a thing! As long as I have my family, that’s all I want!!”

That’s been my wish every day. Every Christmas. Every Birthday since she’s been gone. Only now, I TRULY know what she meant when she said that.

Happy Thanksgiving, Momma.
We miss you with words that can’t be explained. You left a huge absence that is filled with love, laughter, grief, and longing.

A New Day Will Come

A new day will dawn at
a moment's notice-
The hurt you've been handed
will all disappear.
A new time will come
when justice is upon us,
Where you'll live
in freedom, not fear.

Those tears you've been crying
in private,
Will be answered for,
and you will see...
That the hell you've endured
on this side of Heaven
will have nothing
on eternity.

All the times you chose love
instead of hate-
Even when hate is all
some of them ever gave...
Will be rewarded,
and you will have hope again,
What they've done will be
buried deep in the grave.

All the times you didn't
understand why
Life kept handing
you disappointment and despair...
Will be replaced with new
indescribable life,
More than you'd ever be
able to share.

Keep on forgiving instead
of hating,
though they know exactly
what they do...
Keep showing grace in
place of the hate
that is continuously handed
to you.

Keep right on giving with
all you are even though
others choose not
to live that way...
Keep loving and trusting,
be faithful and pure,
even when hope seems
so far away.

Keep your heart fully
in the long journey,
For one day we will all
be set free-
To that place where
there is no hurting or fear...
And hatred and death are
nowhere to be seen.

J.N.S. October 27th, 2009

Can't Find the Words.

I would like to say, "I love you!"-
But that won't really do.
I can't seem to find language rich enough
To describe what I feel for you.

I've seen the sickness of innocence shattered,
I've felt the loss of death's cold door.
I've been without a place of my own,
I've been broken, depressed, and poor.

I've stared my best friend in the face
as she laid there taking her last breath
I've held the hands of the maternal
As she crossed over to another land.

I've felt hurt from close friends
Who've betrayed and turned away,
I've seen loved ones scar you deeply
So much more than words can say.

I've felt life inside my womb,
The beating heart of a fragile child.
I've seen his spirit so full of life,
One that is hopeful, free, and wild.

I remember saying our vows,
Through cracked voice and eyes full of tears.
I remember the feeling of knowing
We would have each other through all fear.

I look back and don't see how I
Would have made it through some days.
You being here and loving me
Has kept so much more hurt away.

You've always been so loving,
Always faithful, comforting, true-
Never because you felt it a duty,
Simply because you have wanted to.

Each time life takes another twist,
And brings another change our way,
I'll hold onto you, my husband...
The love we share will grow each day.

So, "I love you, you're the greatest,
My soul lights up when you are near!"-
Those words don't come close to describe
The love I have in here!!!

Jessica Nicole Schafer
October 2010

Momma-part two

This is the second part of what a dear friend asked me to do, which is write about my Momma, and my relationship with her. Thanks for reading.

One of the most bittersweet things to realize is that I still HAVE a relationship with her. Though she is now gone...the mother/daughter bond remains. Ahhhh...the circles we motherless daughters run in. Though she is here.....she is gone.....it's a neverending, heartbreaking circle in this life without them. Not to mention the fact that those sweet women who didn't have a great relationship with their mothers, or may not have even known their mothers....still yearn for that relationship. I could write about this for days. I'll save that for another time, though.

As I mentioned, the ties are still here. And the way she Mothered me still affects me every. single. day. It has made ALL TOO REAL to me the BIG job of being a Momma. It is an everlasting bond.

My Momma had a job outside of the home. She mentioned to me many times that though she DID enjoy working, she wished she could have stayed home with us. I think for me, that is why I have chosen to do what I do. I don't get a paycheck every two weeks. I'm not on salary. However....you couldn't pay me enough to stop doing what I do. So in an ironic way.....her working outside the home, which was what worked for my Momma and Daddy.....had a huge factor in my choosing what I do.

Another thing that has affected my whole family's life thanks to Momma was the way she encouraged me...as I've mentioned before. When we were pregnant with our sweet Babylove, I mentioned homeschooling. I was scared to talk about it with many people, because so many people have STRONG opinions. I talked to her about it, and the first thing she did was talk about how she knew I could do it if that's what we decided to do. Immediately I felt that familiar "you can do anything" feeling that she always instilled in me. I love thinking about that. I know our decision also affected several of our friends, giving them hope in homeschooling their children. To this day, our lil' boy is thriving in our little school. I really believe my Momma's encouragement has a huge part to play in giving me the hope of knowing our family can do this.

If I may, I'm going to back up a bit to when my amazing husband and I were dating. Momma and Daddy both instantly loved him...and my sister did, too. (He was called "Uncle Darryl" way before he was actually an Uncle.) :) Both Momma and Daddy encouraged our relationship, and thought VERY highly of Darryl. It really is a good feeling when one's parents love the person they're dating. It speaks volumes, actually. Parents always want what is best for their children....so it did my heart good. I never had a reason to call my Momma and complain to her about my husband....because he's never given me a reason to do so. Needless to say, losing her had a huge impact on Darryl. I can't speak for him, but I know part of the reason he's been able to carry my grief with me is due to the grief he, himself has carried.

Another thing about my Momma that my sister can agree with is the love she had for her grandchildren. I could write for days on that. She just thought the world of them. And Dylan was C R A Z Y about her. He would literally double over with laughter, squeezing his fists together whenever we got to see her, and say "It's NANA!!!!!!!"....and laugh like crazy after he said it. :) She had that affect on people....and I miss that.


There is an unspoken language for motherless daughters.....we are often very hard on ourselves, wondering if we're doing things "right". We are often lonely. We are often angry. The smallest thing can trigger our longing to have our Mommas back. When I see little ones Dylan's age out with their grandmas, when I hear a child say, "Nana!".....when Dylan tells me he misses her....it is the worst feeling ever. It is an ache that I would never wish on the cruelest person. I remember the look in Momma's eyes when she talked about my Grandma after she was gone. It was a look that I didn't understand until December 2007. Seeing my Momma miss her own Momma after she lost her helped me know it is okay to show how much I miss her. It is indeed a wound time will never heal, counseling will never fix, and no amount of tears will be able to cover. It is definitely a grief I know I will always carry. Until all is made new.

The one thing I've been thinking about so much over the past year is that I can't replace my Momma. As much as I'd love to find somebody to Mother me.....there is nobody else. Let me be clear....there are many who I know love me, and I know who they are! But there is not, nor will there ever be another Momma. She is gone for now. One day, I will get to have her back....and she will get to have us back.

Until then, I will learn to live with this HUGE VOID that can only be filled with her.

**Thank you again for asking me to write this. You know who you are.**

My Momma (Part One)

At the risk of diving into what will certainly pull out many feelings (good ones, that is....just emotional) I was asked by someone I love VERY much to write a post about my Momma. To write about the things that I love about her, our relationship, etc.

Keeping in mind that a person's writings are only a SMALL glimpse into what is in their mind/heart.....one would never be able to put onto paper all the things they know/feel about another person. (This fact fascinates me.....because the Bible is only PARTS of what we know. It isn't exhaustive. That definitely CHANGED the way I read the Bible.) Just wanted to put a little disclaimer....this is only small parts of the wonderful life experiences shared with my Momma. From my point of view. Enjoy.

She was always encouraging to me. I can't remember how many times I heard, "You can be whatever you want to be"....and things like that. She supported me. I always knew she was "in my corner". I remember having a BAD experience with an ex-boyfriend and knowing she was just as upset as I was made me realize my feelings DID matter. (This fascinates me, because so many times we try to downplay other people's feelings, thinking it'll make what they feel go away...and in reality it will only deaden others as well as ourselves....but that's a whole other subject...) She let me cry when I needed to. Even in my teenage years, when I knew she didn't understand what I was going through....you know, because she'd never been a teenager herself. ;) How my heart aches when I think of the times she was carrying my hurts with me....and I didn't even know it. And now, as a Momma myself, I've realized we hurt even more than our child does during any sort of pain they have....physical or not.

Looking back, now that I think about it, she always encouraged me to be ME. I never felt her pushing me in any certain direction, she supported my decisions, and wanted me to know who I was as an individual. Even when I was becoming an "adult" and I BEGGED her to make my decisions for me....she wouldn't. She would listen, talk about things with me, but she always made it clear that in the end, I needed to be the one making the decision, whatever it was. That mere fact has helped me so much....everyday. It stretched me, and helped mold me into a wife, Momma, and every other hat that I wear. Thank you, Momma.

I also idolized my big sister. (And still do, of course. Hi, sister.) Everything she did, I wanted to do....and I ended up following in most of her footsteps. She never compared us though, she always loved(s) us both so much.

My Momma always made me feel beautiful. I have always struggled with self-image. In my head, I am the MOST unattractive girl EVER created. She always told me I was beautiful, though. I remember picking up magazines with beautiful models on them. Salma Hayek is my idol. I remember her being on the cover of one I was reading....and I said, "Momma, LOOK at her. Is she not the MOST beautiful woman you've ever seen!!??!?!" She responded, "Not at all, I think MY girls are the MOST BEAUTIFUL!!" And you know what? I know she meant it. She wasn't trying to make me feel good, she believed that with all her heart. The way SHE saw me, though I still disagree, helped me know how loved I was, and how adored I was. The fact that SHE believed in me helped me believe in myself tremendously....and that still has a hand in who I am today, and how I mother our sweet son.

There's so much more, I think I will need to split this piece into two parts.

I realize there is a part of people who will try to make their loved ones look like Saints. This is normal. However, I want to be clear that when I do write about Her, it's reality. Yes, I fought with my Momma. Mainly when I was in high school. I rebelled in a big way. Though at times I wish I could change those few years....it was a part of our relationship. Seeing both my Momma and Daddy embrace me even when I made FOOLISH decisions that hurt me.....the way they always loved and always had open arms....THAT echoes the Gospel to me, and STILL does.

In a very odd, ironic, bittersweet way......my Momma's believing in me has helped me know how to grieve through her absence.

I've never thought about that until this very moment.......

Thank you friend, for asking me to post this. It helped me so much. I hope it encouraged you, too.

Second part to come.

I'm Trying.

My Momma's untimely, unexpected, tragic death.

Loved ones ripping my husband apart....and causing more damage than they'll ever know.

Countless friends enduring pain in their marriages.

Heard "no" too many times over the past two years to even count. Whether it be from people, or from God....the "no's" have been winning.

Watching loved ones struggle through various trials.

Being hurt deeply by those I called "friend".

Still looking for a place to belong.


One may say, looking over the past couple of years that I'm strong. That I've "hung in there, endured, kept the faith".....I beg to differ.

The truth is, I'm weak.

I can't do this alone.

If it weren't for my amazing husband, son, sister, Daddy, and amazing friends who've been by my side through the past "desert season" I've been in....I'm not quite sure I'd still be standing.

And Him. Of course. I have gone 'round and 'round with Him for so long....I have asked question after question. I have yelled at Him, cried desperately to Him, brought the pieces of my broken heart to Him time after time over the past thirty months.

And I know He's okay with that. He loves me...oh how He loves me.

But I have to admit...I get scared to death when I think about some things.

And here's the kicker; I don't get scared because of what MIGHT happen.......I get scared because of what has ALREADY HAPPENED.

Yeah, go figure.

One would think that after going through Hell in more ways than one, due to circumstances beyond our control, and finally being in (what looks like) the other side, that now I'd be oh so full of hope, happiness, joy.

I'm not. I can't explain it. I think it's because starting from December 4th, 2007...SO MANY of my worst fears have happened. Those close to our family know what I'm speaking of. And every. single. time I've thought good news was headed our way...we've been handed even worse news. It seems like the only light at the end of the tunnel has been a dream...one that won't be coming true.

Today, I'm just at a loss. Yes, I have faith....of course. I recognize the fact that faith is more than just "I believe"....it's "I will keep pushing through the murky, lifeless water in spite of it drowning me"....I know that. I now recognize that faith is so much more than what we think it is. It has taken my husband and other loved ones to remind me of that.

There is potential good news on our horizon. So many good things could happen, and very soon.

But still, I have been finding it hard to hope....can you blame me?? Everytime I've held out hope recently, it's been for naught.

I am trying, Lord help me, I am. I am trying to believe that He will be bringing my family to a place of healing, restoration, new life, and answered prayers.

Until then, I will still be holding my breath.

I saw this the other day, and it's stuck with me. For me, it's HUGE. Because if you've EVER been in a prolonged place of heartache, sorrow, grief.......simply getting out of bed in the morning takes every piece of strength one can muster. Simply moving on through the days is a triumph...when one could so easily shut down...








I am proud of that. I am proud of myself for getting through all of this. I just hope with all of myself that I won't have to be "getting through this" much longer.

And you, thanks for reading. Writing brings such healing to me. Maybe it's "getting it all out".....or maybe it's knowing there are people out there who care. Either way, thank you.

There will be a HUGE sign posted in our new home one day that reads:

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. Psalm 126:5-6"

Amen.

Until then, I will still be trying to keep hope.

Breathe Again.

In a couple of moons, I will be turning thirty. 30.
My life is nothing that I thought it would be at this age. It's a milestone, yes. For me, it's so much more than that.
It has opened up some fresh wounds and heavy sorrows that I've been carrying around for many months now.

In so many ways, I still feel like a little girl. And yes, I'm sure to many people, including my Daddy and sister, I still am. ;)

I still crave hearing my Momma tell me what a great job I'm doing being me....I know nothing will ever replace hearing her tell me she's proud of who I am.

When The Deep Sadness happened, I was still a new mother. My lil' Babylove had just turned three years old. I was still learning so much....had so many questions about Motherhood, and still do. HOW I needed her....and still do.

I think if maybe all the hellish circumstances my husband and I had faced in the past two years had happened at a different time, I would have been much stronger. But that, which I'd never wish on any person, coupled with losing Her, has just left me unbearably heartbroken.

So here I go, I've been holding my breath for quite sometime now. I've been carrying around sorrows that have happened to my family regarding my Momma, people who've hurt us deeply, and effected our very livelihood...and so much more that I won't bore you with.

*DEEP BREATH*

So, Hello thirty.

I hope that you will be kind to me. I hope I can keep hoping...because this despair that's been upon my family and beyond our control has taken a lot of light out of my eyes. I hope that you bring new life, in more ways than one.

I hope, that for once in a long time, God will reach down, pull me out of this murky, lifeless water....wrap His arms around my family and myself, and let me breathe again.

Happy 30, me.
I hope you're proud of me, Momma. Actually, I know that you are.....it just hurts not being able to hear it.

A birth story.

I don't think I've really ever shared my Babylove's birth story. Here goes.

My husband and I were VERY pleasantly surprised to learn we were pregnant when we'd been married for eight months. We were seven weeks along. The SECOND we found out, we were OVERjoyed, and of course, I called Momma and Daddy first. You couldn't take the smiles off of our faces. We weren't "planning" (ha,ha) a pregnancy, but so happy with the news.

A few days later I was rushed to the ER due to bleeding. I had no idea what was happening, everything happened so quickly. We saw my doctor, heard all sorts of things, ran all sorts of tests. When we were home that night it hit me when I realized what the doctor meant when he said, "You're only seven weeks along, all you can do is relax and hope for the best".... They thought we were going to lose the baby.

We were scared out of our minds. Within a week we went from extreme joy to extreme fear. So, we waited. And prayed. And I did a lot of crying.

What made things scarier was that two very dear friends of mine would suffer miscarriages around this time. Our hearts were so heavy for them, and we tried to make our way through the very long days.

After a period of time, things seemed to look better for our pregnancy. Though we would sit on pins and needles until this new life were out of the womb, his little life grew and grew. I went through all sorts of feelings of guilt after what our friends went through, fear of wondering if we'd carry him full-term, and you can imagine the things that went through our minds and hearts.

Our son thrived.
He grew and grew and well.....grew so much that they decided at one check-up to do a c-section because he grew TOO MUCH. :) He was due near my birthday, but they took him two weeks early, the day after my sister's birthday. (Keep in mind I'm 5'1", Darryl's 6'7"....a dear friend compared it to a chihuahua having a doberman's puppy...)

An added joy was that my Momma and Daddy happened to be visiting the weekend they decided to do the c-section. I am so thankful they were here.....


Dylan James Schafer entered the world at about 12:45p.m. September 28th, 2004.

The world has been much brighter since.

He has brought so much joy to our hearts, laughter to our mouths, and hope to our spirits. He is a miracle. I am fully convinced he is one piece of Heaven we see daily....especially considering what our family has endured over the past two and a half years.

He is wonderful. I can't describe just how wonderful. As I've said before, some things are just too wonderful for words....my husband, my son....they are some of those "things".

We celebrate you, Dylan James Schafer. You are wonderful. You are so bright, and full of joy. You are brilliant, and you have a heart full of compassion and mercy. You laugh a lot, and it is your laughter that lights up my heart.

What joy it is to watch my son grow, love, and get to know the God who gives life.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OUR SWEET SON!

Grieve Freely.

Over the past two and a half years, I've written so much about grief. Quite honestly, in the beginning, it was the only safe place for me-aside from only a few dear people in my life. They know who they are. I've written before on the GREAT need for us to learn to comfort others....and I am a firm believer that we have to face our own issues, embrace our own hurts, or we will end up squelching ourselves, AND others if we refuse to do so. That has been a big part of my experience. I've heard it all. I've been belittled for expressing my grief. I've been told to "get over it". I've been told it's not that "big of a deal". I've been told to "put a smile on my face and move on". I've been told that maybe if I change my perspective,it wouldn't be so hard. I've heard loved ones being told things things just as hurtful, as well. As you sit there reading, I'm almost positive your hurts have been squelched before, and I apologize for that. There is R O O M for grace. Those hurtful, heartless, selfish things we've all heard before by people who DO know better, they are forgiven. I choose to extend the same grace everyday that is extended to myself by Him. How could I not? He freely gives it....even to those who we think don't "deserve" it. So that same grace is given even to those who have scarred my already broken heart.

However.......

I think often in life, some evils need to be called out before they will ever be acknowledged and then changed. This is how I feel about our lack to grieve for ourselves and one another. I will never stop writing, talking, crying about my own grief.

My Momma is dead.

She is gone.

She should still be here.

There is no explanation for this.

There is no quick-fix band-aid answer that will explain it all away. I cannot enroll in a twelve step program, because I don't have an addiction. This happened to our family. It is a burden placed on us, and I will forever grapple with the effects, as will my Daddy, sister, and all my Momma's family and friends who miss her. So though I have spent many months feeling guilty for simply grieving, those days are gone. I will give full vent to what has been placed in my life. To ignore it would be to ignore God, to ignore the reality He, Himself has placed us in.

I will write, feel, grieve, hurt, love, heal.....for myself, for my family and friends, for other motherless daughters, for any hurting hearts out there who feel alone. Those precious people are the reason I do this.

Maybe you are one of those who has experienced the brutal, dark, calloused remarks of others......maybe you have been one to give those remarks. Sweet child of the Most High....He never intended us to live as robots. He gave us this life, and often it is full of hurt.....His OWN life was full of heartache. Don't ever fool yourself into believing that turning off your emotions is trusting Him more.......when we do that, we lie to ourselves, others, and Him.

For over two and a half years, I have tried to put into words the way I've been made to feel.......and I finally realized it days ago. The picture below came to mind. It is hard to look at, it was even harder to draw. It has been my reality. Let me also mention, this picture is for you.....I hope you see the great fallacy in it, the hurt in it, the hatred in it......so you can move on, and freely grieve, as I have. I guess this is my way of giving you "permission" to grieve freely.

For I truly believe we are MOST like Him when we are MOST HUMAN.......embracing humanity is embracing Him.

You are loved, you who are hurting and grieving for whatever reason.....you are not alone. I will use my days to honour you, to lift you up, and I will not be ashamed of grief any longer.....I hope the same for you.